Robert Blake Acquitted: Promises to God to be more "girlie",LESS murderous.
Los Angeles, CA� Tough-guy actor Robert Blake, acquitted in the 2001 murder of his wife Bonny Lee Bakely, says he will keep all his promises he made to God in exchange for his acquittal no matter how hard it will be. "I am the luckiest guy on the face of the Earth," Blake said. "God and I have an understanding and I'm really going to try to keep up my end of the bargain. I'm going to stop being so darn angry all the time. I ain't got nothing to be angry about -- I just got away with capital murder. I'm not going to San Quentin, I'm going to fucking Disneyland!" Blake quickly apologized for swearing after he was reminded by lawyer James Thomas that he promised God he would refrain from using expletives. "I promised God I'd be nicer and 'more girly' if I got acquitted and I'm really going to try," Blake said from his home where the television set has been tuned to the Oxygen Network since last week. "No more hanging out in pool halls, brothels or gun shops. I'm a new man. So who wants a nonalcoholic apple martini? Anyone? Fine, more for me!" According to Blake, since he was first charged with Bakely's murder, he has made dozens and dozens of promises to God in exchange for a not-guilty verdict and he plans to keep as many of them as he can remember. "First, obviously, I promised not to kill nobody," Blake said. "But then I started making promises about not kicking homeless people or stray animals. I also promised I would not threaten people or pay other people to kill for me. "I told God when I got released I would always back down from a fight and instead, extend my hand as a peace gesture. I promised I would eat more vegetables and stop watching movies with violent gangsters or corrupt police officers, unless I was starring in it. "I promised to take down the old 'Little Rascals' sign that says 'No Girls Allowed' and change the policy to allow women as long as they're not dirty, dirty whores. That also means I gotta stop dating dirty, dirty whores. I'm going to be really sweet to them and compliment them all the time and say things like, 'you are really cute, I really, really would like to have a date with you,' instead of just throwing them in the back of my car and choking them during sex. "Finally, if I'm lucky enough to work again, I promised God to only accept roles where I can be super-lovable like Michael Landon or Tom Hanks and only take parts where I have to cry a lot or save kids from burning buildings." "I've really turned over a new leaf. Now who wants one of these fucking Apple Martinis? I ain't askin' again. Above: Robert Blake promised God he would never again curse or make obscene finger gestures if he was acquitted for murder. SEND THIS ARTICLE TO A FRIEND!
