I�m sitting here with a handful of candy corn, and a mind full of cobwebs so thick I almost can�t untangle them. Here�s what I have to say: I�m confused. Every five minutes my body passes me a new feeling. A new idea.

My stomach is screaming about how unhungry it is, how angry it feels with me for eating.

But then there�s this other voice, and its talking about how my stomach never mattered anyway.

I�m not saying this right. Or maybe I am.

Look. This summer I had the most amazing time of my life. And guess what, I wasn�t skinny. Actually, I was smaller than I am now, but that�s not the point. I had fun. And I didn�t even do anything. And maybe that�s the point. I took joy in life�s simple pleasures. I ate too much. I laid in the sun on my beach for hours. I rode my bike. I hung out with friends. There is so very much that I did, and yet so very little. How did that summer turn out to be the best of my life? I don�t know. And I�m pretty sure I�m not skewing this.

Listen. Lately I�ve been having these voices and I can�t discern them. I have to ask myself constantly what I am feeling. No, I�m not hungry. Followed by the perfect image of a boy I�ve started to see in my dreams. And I don�t even know him. Just recently I�ve felt as if I didn�t know myself.

I am the girl of words, remember? And the girl of spontaneous laughter, of a little too much food, and a little too much dreaming. Where did that go?

Very recently I�ve found myself so confused. Living with no north star to guide my strange little ship. Actually its huge, but whatever. And here I am, stranded in my ocean. The boards expanding and me with no knowledge of why.

How can I live without food? How can I live without words. And yet that is exactly what I did, or what I tried. And I didn�t force it. It came over me like a quiet fog. So blindly I accepted it. The numb feeling in my stomach was welcome. My jaw ached because I didn�t talk. My fingers could hardly move to form the words long forgotten.

That feeling is still here and yet not here at all. I�m not sure if I might have imagined it. Just listen to me. I�m so confused.

Here is my flare, my stab into the outside world. Am I that girl who doesn�t mind being hungry? Am I that skinny model inside? Am I meant to love pretty men and live in pretty houses with pretty children? Or does not being a slave to food entail all that? I wouldn�t know. The question ring in my head like the question marks ending perpetually at the end of my sentences.

What is this place? I have never gotten this far before. Normally I never get past the point of seeing land before I turn around. And now here I am. Stranded on a flat sea.

Somewhere out there, the wind is rushing at me. It will hit one of these days and send me flying in a direction that I have not chance of foreseen. I can�t imagine it. I can�t believe that this is where I am.

The candy colours ring around me. Candy corn. Candy corn. And a strange darkness penetrated solely by this screen. And maybe by my heart too.

Am I a superconductor of power? I won�t deny the possibility. Maybe I never was meant to be a model on shiny paper. Or otherwise. But my words. They can glimmer in every magazine rack. They can shine out into the world. And after that maybe I will too.

I suppose that is the real answer. What am I thinking? Of course I�m a superconductor of power for crying out loud. Me, who writes words that makes fifth grade teachers weep, who doesn�t have to see past the obvious to make a scene shine. The gold that runs from my fingers. I always new it wasn�t metal. That�s the power.

And that�s a Cacophony. A cluster of sticky Cobwebs.

Envision it. Sending steams of light out into a darkness it cannot truly see. Shaping the light. A conductor of the dancing flame within. A Pumpkin, smiling blithely into the night.