Path of Tears

© September 29, 1998

And so the crying starts...
I'm not meant to live in hope,
Not able to hold onto joy,
I weep knowing I can't cope...

One moist drop slides down,
Slowly wetting my cheek,
My heart begins to break
— I feel so very weak!

In truth, I seem to be already gone,
Like I'm only pretending that I'm here.
I feel like I can't carry on
Living as if hope were near.

I don't want to feel;
So I hide deep inside...
Even as I wish to turn
And in you confide.

Shame and guilt reside within me
Although it was beyond my control;
Each moment brings more despair,
Shoves me further into that dark hole.

How can I possibly endure this?
Forget even planning to survive...
Just tell me how to get through,
Even for a moment, just barely alive.

Teardrops still ride slowly down
Their pathway there on my cheek.
While I wallow deep in my soul;
Feeling I was and am far too weak!

Willing to settle on a heartbeat.
Not needing my "life" back yet,
I only must have a way to know
That I'll someday my life again get...

Wet cheeks, stuffy nose,
While all alone I sit —
No voice of consolation
Nor any hug of comfort.

These many sleepless long nights,
Countless sobs of despondency,
Shaking within this terrifying fear,
Became life with him atop of me.

Hundreds of times I said "no" over and over,
But in the end I wasn't able to fight back.
No matter how I tried to push him away;
He just wouldn't budge from his attack.

I suffer in self-inflicted isolation 
And isolation leads to more pain.
But... under such devastation...
How could I lay the trauma plain?

With so much pain filling me, crushing me
Until no alternative path can I see...
Death? I can grasp no other way for me
To climb out of this hole of misery...

A new freshly cut source of terror,
Leads to the same selfish reaction...
While some say they'll miss me,
I wonder how long? With passion?