Without Telling a Lie

© October 2, 1998

Life's become too tough on me;
I'm broken — don't you see?
There's not very much of me left;
Just the pain, after my soul's theft.

I was raped two weeks past...
The pain won't go and joy won't last.
Even the splash of the lake's spray
May not be enough to help me today.

It crashes and pounds to the rocks with its full force...
Splashing high, will it wash away misery and remorse?
Dropping a misty spray down from the seafoam,
But it doesn't cure me, doesn't make me fit to roam.

I sit unmoving, not even strong 'nough to move on
Now that I have settled on all hope being gone.
The waves' strength is their beauty; in their flow is grace,
But they don't remove my pain, or put it back in its place.

Sadly, I think nothing can or will change my mind...
Waves tumble and sway, but I'm stuck in a bind.
Afraid of my attacker, running to the lake to flee,
Unfortunately the memories come along with me.

So waves come ashore, with a pound and a crash
They spray up high and down over me they splash.
But please, I beg take the pain with you as you go...
I can't endure another day with it, is all that I know.

The warrant never came for his arrest,
Instead I hide in the fear that I detest.
The terror can't go as long as he's there.
Does anyone hear me? Doesn't anyone care?

He's free to work, to stroll by, to ride the bus,
Friends see him around and don't make a fuss.
But I couldn't handle even one single sight of him
Without pain overwhelming so I'd want to kill him.

Instead I sit here — wanting to cry, wanting to sob...
Wishing I could talk about this with my best friend, Rob.
But if I told him my only solution, for peace my only hope...
How'd he handle word that I'm at the end of my rope?

Slowly moving from the lakeside, I begin to dry off
As I find appreciation for the sun's comforting warmth.
I listen as the birds softly sing their sweet melodies
And a breeze talks gently with the leaves of the trees.

But they change me not at all; I still hurt far too much
To grieve my way through it without a healing touch.
"So please," I beg of the spirits that dwell around me
"Bless me with the gift of allowing my soul to be free."

"Free to walk its path with my body in stride,
Or free, if it must, to roam as a spirit guide.
But give me the necessary power and strength
To do the task that I must do at great length."

I wimper, but its only visible from the inside,
Behind this mask where I feel I must hide.
To keep the tears back so they're not cried
For anyone to know my pain as I cringe aside.

The pain's much too much... If I share, you'll hurt;
Yet I don't want to turn away, seemingly curt.
Don't wannna open up, to allow pain to roam free;
My only true want is for the demons of pain to flee!

You left me with nothing — not even my own soul
As you raped me, you took all that made me whole!
Yes indeed, the hours were full of your kisses
But it was not what I wanted — you didn't listen!

Your wants, your needs, your power, your way...
Look at me still hurting all through the day...
"In the night," some ask — "what do I endure then?"
Listen, and I'll tell you with each word from my pen.

Darkness brings devastation in miserable memories
Of what was to be only a gentle night in the breeze.
A lakeside walk — that's all to which I agreed!
But 'twas not all you took to satisfy your greed!

You would not stop when I told you to,
Acted as if everything was all about you!
Stole my courage, but what's even worse,
Grabbed my soul as against you I pushed.

If he won't go, then it is I who must be gone.
I can't take this anymore — my life is done.
It's over, no more struggling, yes, he's won
He'll have victory as soon as I can buy a gun...

What about J's throwaway?! If I tell him a lie...
If I tell him its to protect myself against that guy.
Would he let me buy it? I wonder indeed.
A plan now hatched, action is all I need...

I see a way out! A way to be free!
No longer to be in pain; no longer in misery.
I would feel nothing, that much is true,
But that's better than the hell I've been through.

But now I can smile when at last I see Rob.
He won't hear me stutter; won't see me sob.
I couldn't talk in voice to tell him it's true,
But, he can't say that he didn't have a clue.

It won't come at friends from out of the blue,
And that's all I can give, with what I must do.
I love you all and I hate causing any pain —
Hopefully pain will go with the first winter's rain.

Tis a shame, isn't it, that my pain simply will not go.
It just won't leave, refuses to even lessen its flow...
I can't make it go away, so that I can be free
Without sacrificing even the little that's left of me.