Welcome to my humor page. Here you will find various humor and jokes but be forewarned...some are of a mature nature. Click on the section to go to it and the title to come back.
| Top 10 Signs of an Internet Addict | Unofficial Windows 95 Error Codes |
| A Wino's Christmas | Beginner's Guide to Law Enforcement |
| Actual Bumper Stickers | More PC Humor |
| Blonde Jokes | How To Be A Cultist |
| Reserved For Future Use | Reserved For Future Use |
| Reserved For Future Use | Reserved For Future Use |
Top 10 Signs that you're Addicted to the Internet
10 -You turn your modem off and get a sick empty feeling...like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
9 -All of your friends have an "@" in their names.
8 -You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.0 or higher."
7 -Your phone bills come to your house in a large box.
6 -You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends because they have gender-neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
5 -You wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and you stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
4 -You move to a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
3 -You can't call your mother...because she doesn't have a modem.
2 1/2 -You start introducing yourself as RONatAOLdotcom.
2 -You tell your Cab driver you live at http://1234 mainst.red/house/2story.html
1 -You start to tilt your head sideways when you smile :)
" On Whiskey, on Moonshine, on Brandy, on Toasted and Blitzened !"....And as he gulped down the last swig of Brandy, he staggered up the roof and fell down the chimney; with toys for the ones that are little, and for the adults: Tequila and Skittles !! Then someone started coming down the stairs, after he took a puff of his Camel Lights, he flew across the room with such a fright and jumped up the chimney yelling, " I'm gettin' the **** out of here before the cops get in my way." Then he rode out of sight with his "magic sack" full of VCR's, big screen TV's, money and Christmas lights !
(My favorites are in purple.)
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ...
Montana - At least our cows are sane !
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT !
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it !
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check ?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat ?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students !
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from !
Forget about World Peace ... Visualize using your turn signal !
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
They who laugh last think slowest.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekasion
We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You will be assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word ?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again ?
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie !" ... till you can find a rock.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Beginner's Guide to Law Enforcement
This page gives a short list of terms for all you beginners out there....alrite.
Inspector - Gynecologist
Jail - Cross bar Hilton
Mace - Eye drops for muggers
Marshals - Discount retailer
911 - Porsche
Parole - 1992 Presidential candidate
Police Chief - Polish Native American
Prison - Government health club
Search 'n Seizure - Guy's night out
Sheriff - Star of Dr. Zhivago
Squad Car - Inner city team bus
S.W.A.T. - Shooters with a 'tude
Vice Squad - Boys on "Tool Time"
Walking the Beat - Seniors dance class
Bail - The boat is sinking
Baton - WWII Death March
Blackjack - Card game
Booked - Librarian
Bust - Dolly Parton
Choke Hold - Heimlich Maneuver
Cop Shop - Winchell's Donuts
Undocumented Windows95 Error Codes
WinErr 001 : Windows loaded-System in danger
WinErr 002 : No Error-Yet
WinErr 003 : Dynamic linking error-Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004 : Erroneous error-Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005 : Multitasking attempted-System confused
WinErr 006 : Malicious error-Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007 : System price error-Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008 : Broken window-Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009 : Horrible bug encountered-God knows what has happened
WinErr 00A : Promotional literature overflow-Mailbox full
WinErr 00B : Inadequate disk space-Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C : Memory hog error-More RAM needed. More! More! More!
WinErr 00D : Window closed-Do not look outside
WinErr 00E : Window open-Do not look inside
WinErr 00F : Unexplained error-Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010 : Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 014 : Keyboard locked-Try anything you can think of
WinErr 018 : Unrecoverable error-System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows license is not valid anymore.
WinErr 019 : User error-Not our fault. Is not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A : Operating system overwritten-Please reinstall al your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr 01B : Illegal error-You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C : Uncertainty error-Uncertainty may be inadequate
WinErr 01D : System crash-We are unable to figure out our own code
WinErr 01E : Timing error-Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F : Reserved for future mistakes of our developers
WinErr 020 : Error recording error codes-Additional errors will be lost
WinErr 042 : Virus error-A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079 : Mouse not found- A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103 : Error buffer overflow-Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678 : This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr 683 : Time out error-Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815 : Insufficient Memory-Only 50,312,583 Bytes available
...every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS...Universe halted
COFFEE.EXE missing-insert cup and press any key.
Buy a Pentium586/90 so you can reboot faster.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRA C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
Best file compression utility around : DEL *.* = 100% compression.
The definition of an upgrade : Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM halted...Cereal Port not responding.
C:\Bad command or file name : Go stand in the corner.
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?
...File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n). something used to catch the Etherbunny.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted. Re-boot Washington D.C.? (Y/N)
SENILE.COM found...Out of memory
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
RAM disk is "not" an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS...do you copy? Shell to DOS
All computers wait at the same speed.
Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI
Why did the blonde snort "Equal" (Aspartame)? - She thought it was "diet coke".
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? - (said while rocking head from shoulder to shoulder) I dunno...
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? - What's a light bulb?
Courtesy of the Discordians
1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur.
2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your god’s name in the privacy of your room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over 10 pounds in weight, you’re just asking for trouble.
5. Citronella candles may NOT be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the Dark Lords.
6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, thuggee knife, service revolver, garlic, yellow sign, cab fare, condoms, and change.
7. Never be the cultist that goes to rough up the investigator. Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going ‘round to beat up the good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the Thames.
8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the cult leader. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
9. Don’t gloat.
10. If you do gloat, never reveal your plans.
11. If you gloat and reveal your plans, never leave the investigators to die slowly. They don’t.
12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the investigators to die slowly, don’t have the audacity to look surprised when they show up to foil you.
13. Investigators always show up at the last moment to foil you. Start a half-hour early - - they hate that.
14. Select ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
15. Never screw with anything whose genetic structure you do not feel absolutely comfortable about.
16. Never admit to having screwed anything whose genetic structure you didn’t feel absolutely comfortable about.
17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they’d just remember this simple safety tip.
18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered bad form.
20. Blood tests are now required of all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
21. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the shit comes down it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on and the gibbering monstrosity that will go away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.
22. Never play strip Tarot.
23. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god, and his soul. However, it is also true that God is on the side of the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is not feasible or even possible, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from SPAM will be all right too.