Mostly Harmless

Arthur tapped his fingers nervously on the side of the Jeep. Why was he even here, he thought. He turned to his friend Ford. “Ford, I know I’ve asked you before, but I’m going to ask you again. Why am I even here?”

Ford fiddled with his tiny black case. He sighed and slicked back his smooth hair with his hand. “You’re here because I invited you, and I’m here because I’m the only guy in Markstown High School who can pick a lock in under a minute without breaking the lock. Relax, Arthur, it’ll be quick. 30 minutes max. Casey knows his way around the park, okay? And we’ll get some dough along the way.” He jostled Arthur playfully with his arm. “How’s that, eh? Quick and easy money!”

Arthur adjusted his glasses. “I would give anything for a nice hot cup of Earl Grey tea right now. I haven’t had tea in days. And oh yeah, by the way, why is Tricia here, too?”

Ford shrugged. “Well, she’s your friend, and I figured that you might want some other company, you know?”

Phil yelled back from the front of the Jeep. “Okay, guys, so here’s the plan, right? Casey my good ol’ buddy friend here’s going to find us the back entrance into Johnson’s Wild Animal Preserve. Right, pal?” He gave Casey a hearty slap on the back. Casey cringed. “Okay, and then Ford my other good ol’ buddy friend here will get us in with his super lock-picking skills. What do you make of that, eh? Lock-picking skills! Okay, and then we’ll be setting up our stink bombs all over the preserve.” He turned to Stephanie and changed to a more soothing tone. “What do you think of the plan, Steph?”

“Oh, it’s wonderful, Philly, dear,” she replied, snuggling closer to Phil.

Arthur asked, “But what’s the point?”

“Of what?” replied Ford.

“The whole plan.”

“Okay,” said Ford. “We’re all in this for the money, okay? We’ll set off a few stink bombs, time-controlled, you know, set to explode on Monday morning, and the rest of the stink bombs will be set off be remote control. Then the animals will get all excited and restless and all that, and it’ll mess up the research scientists’ research. Then we’ll send them like, a letter, saying that they have to give us money or we’ll set off more stink bombs. Oh yeah, and then I’ll hack into their control system and mess up a few things or two.”

“Then why do we have to set up the bomb to mess things up if you’re already going to hack in and mess things up anyway?”

“They could disconnect the modem. Duh.”

“So what we’re basically doing is blackmail.”

“Yes.”

“That’s illegal.”

“Yes. Nice deduction.”

“But what if we get caught setting up the bombs?”

“Dude, Arthur, chill out. It’s Saturday night, so there’s no one here. Tomorrow’s Sunday, and the park’s closed, which will give us more time to do what we need to do. We won’t get caught, Arthur, relax.”

“But the fuzz…”

“I got a system all worked out. You can stop worrying about that, too.”

“But what about the animals? I mean, what if they attack or something?”

Casey turned around from the front. “They’re mostly harmless, I think.”

“Mostly harmless!” exclaimed Arthur. “You think! What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“He means what he means,” replied Ford. “If Casey says they’re mostly harmless, then that’s what they are. He’s a keeper at the animal preserve, Arthur, he should know. There’s nothing to worry about, Arthur. You’re in good hands. You’re really getting way too worked up about this.”

“No, it’s just that—”

“There’s the entrance!” shouted Casey. “Over there!” he pointed.

Phil slowed down the car. “You mean that steel door right there?” He eyed the entrance suspiciously. “You sure that’s the zebra compound? Why would they go to the trouble of using a 900-lb solid steel door for the zebra compound?”

Casey twitched uncomfortably. “I dunno, uh, protection against burglars or something, I guess. But I’m pretty sure this is it.”

Phil stopped the car, and the six teens got out. On the right was a plain, with rolling fields of wheat that swayed back and forth with the gentle breeze. The cicadas screamed their night song in the trees that lined the dusty back road. The silvery moon peeked out from behind the clouds that drifted slowly across the night sky. On the left was a wall of dull, gray steel, and there was a steel door on the wall somewhere. The teens walked across the street to get to this door.

Arthur took out a McDonalds double cheeseburger and bit lustfully into it, savoring the juicy beef patties and the crunchy lettuce. “Mmm,” he thought. “McDonalds.”

“Shh,” whispered Phil. “From here on forward, absolute silence.”

Arthur took a final bite out of his burger and regretfully put it back into his pocket. Now Ford walked up to the door and opened his tiny black case. Inside was a fanciful array of gleaming tools. He took out his tools and started picking the lock of the door. In less than a minute, the door was open and Ford was putting his tools away. The teens slipped away into the zebra compound.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *

Phil lodged the stink bomb behind the tree and went back to the place where all the other teens were standing. “Okay, now it’s on to the other compounds,” he said. “Funny how I didn’t see any zebras here,” he remarked.

“Can  I go now?” asked Casey hopefully. “I mean, I got you here and everything, so I don’t think you’ll be needing me anymore…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” said Phil. “Uh uh. You’re not going anywhere. You’re staying right here, with us. We need you to get us through the park.”

“But—”

“Shh,” said Tricia. “What was that?”

“What was what?”

“Shh. Listen.”

Total silence. Then, suddenly, a growl came from behind the clump of balboa trees. Then, another growl, to the side. Arthur thought he saw a pair of gleaming eyes.

“I think we should get out of here,” said Tricia. “Now.”

“Good idea,” said Casey, and his face brightened up. “Let’s go now.” He hurried over to the door and peeked outside. He quickly slammed the door shut and tiptoed back to the others. His face was a pale white. “Guards, coming down the street,” he whispered.

“What do we do now?” asked Stephanie fearfully.

The growls came closer. Casey whimpered. Phil opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Ford fiddled with his black case. Stephanie bit her fingers. Arthur took another bite out of his burger.

“Let’s hurry and get to the next gate,” suggested Tricia. “Quickly, before those things get us.”

“Let’s go, then,” said Phil. He took a step towards the gate.

A hyena came out of nowhere and bit him on the leg. Phil screamed.

Instantly, hyenas were everywhere, surrounding the teens.

Phil took out his hand gun and shot the hyena between the eyes. It growled and stepped back, mingling with the other hyenas, seemingly unhurt.

The seriousness of the situation had hit Phil. “Ford,” he said. “Hurry. The gate. Everyone else follow him. Me and Casey will hold them off.” He turned to Casey. “You made a mistake, you little bastard,” he sneered. “You’ve got one chance to redeem yourself.”

“Hey,” said Casey. “I’ve only been here as a keeper for two weeks, you know…”

“Shut up,” said Phil. “Here comes one now.” He shot the hyena in the head. It snarled at him and backed away.

A group of hyenas surrounded Casey. He picked up a steel bar to protect himself. A hyena charged. Casey smashed it in the head, cracking its skull. The hyena rolled over, wheezed, spasmed, and died. Another hyena charged, and this time Casey swung the bar low, and broke its leg. The hyena limped away into the crowd. Then the rest of the hyenas charged, too quickly for Casey to react. One tugged away his steel bar, rendering him helpless. Then others took hold of his arms and legs with their teeth, and dragged him away as Casey screamed, “Oh no, No, HELP, HELP, AAAHHHHHH!” Then one hyena stepped forward, presumably the leader of the pack. It stared at Casey for a second, and the suddenly ripped open his abdomen with his teeth. Casey screamed with pain and tried to move, but the hyenas held him pinned down. Then the hyenas went into a feeding frenzy, eating out his guts, tearing out chunks of his arm, chewing off his ears. Phil turned away, sick with disgust, and threw away his empty gun. The screaming grew to a climax, and then suddenly there was a horrible ripping sound and the screaming cut off, and all that could be heard was the snarling of hyenas and the crunching of bones. Then some hyenas started moving towards Phil.

“Psst,” whispered Ford. “Hurry!” He had already had the gate open, and everyone else was already on the other side. Pil ran through the gate and Ford slammed it shut behind him, locking it, leaving the hyenas to snap at the cold and tasteless bars.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *

            Outside the hyena compound, the two guards were on their night watch. Suddenly, one of them turned to his friend. “I thought I just heard someone screaming,” he said.

            “Where did it come from?” asked his partner.

            “Over there, I think,” He replied.

            “Oh,” said the guard. “That’s the hyena compound. Probably just the hyenas laughing, you know. When they laugh it sounds awfully like screaming. Or you know, it could have been the wind.

            “I dunno,” said the other guard. “I thought …but anyway, it’s gone now. Probably the hyenas, yeah.”

            The guard listened. “Yeah, you see, now there’s only this crunching sound. Sounds kind of like bones crunching, except that that wouldn’t make sense, because why would bones crunch? Probably just the tree branches.”

            The two guards kept on walking.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *

            Phil looked around at the compound he had just entered. It was composed of mostly a large pool, with a cement patio around the edges. There were a few steps leading down from the patio down to the pool. On these steps was where most of the other were sitting, with the exception of Ford, who was pacing forwards and backwards nervously on the patio. Everyone was thinking of the horrible circumstances they were in. Phil’s mind was still reeling from the shock of seeing Casey get ripped apart. Tricia was trying to figure out how they would all get out of this fix. Ford was worried for his life. Stephanie worried about missing the dance on Sunday night. Arthur chewed his McDonalds double cheeseburger. He worried about how he would finish his math homework. He stared at the logs floating in the pool.

Suddenly, Ford wondered out loud, “Wait a minute, wait a minute. Why haven’t we seen any animals here yet?”

“I dunno.” Phil shrugged. “Maybe it’s like closed for repairs or something.”

“No, no, no,” interrupted Ford. “That’s what we thought in the hyena compound. You know, zebras? Except there weren’t any. No, I think there are animals in here.”

“Well,” said Phil. “Where? I sure don’t see any.”

“Well,” said Ford. “Think. We’re in a pool with a patio, okay? There are steps leading down to the pool, which is full of floating logs…”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Stephanie. She jumped up and backed up the steps. “Oh my God! Floating logs, a pond, don’t you guys all get it?! They’re alligators!” She quickly ran out of the pool, took Phil by the shoulders, and shook him. “Philly, get us out of here.”

Phil calmly brushed back her hands. “Wait,” he said.

Meanwhile Tricia was trying to pull Arthur out of the pool, but he was still concentrated on his burger and his math homework, and he refused to budge.

A sinister-looking log floated towards Arthur.

Tricia pulled his arm. Ford came to help her. Arthur remained still, muttering about exponential functions.

“Watch out for the log!” exclaimed Tricia. “It’s an alligator! Come on, Arthur, we have to get you out of here!”

“What?” muttered Arthur.

“A log!” said Tricia, though she had no idea what she was saying.

“Yes!” said Arthur. “I have to use a log, a logarithm to figure out the input into the exponential function when the output is e raised to the power of pi times i…”

The log came closer. It seemed to speed up.

Tricia and Ford pulled. Arthur muttered. Phil closed his eyes.

The log reached Arthur. There was a shout of pain. The water turned red.

“Ow,” said Arthur. “The log bumped into me and poked a hole in my foot.”

Phil opened his eyes and looked closely at the log. He relaxed. “It’s just a log,” he said. He walked down to the pool and kicked it. “Ha,” he said. “Just a log.” He went farther into the pool and kicked another log. “See? All logs.” He sat down on a rock in the middle of the pool. “See?” he said again. “I was right and Ford was wrong.” He stretched out his limbs. “I think we should all relax a little more. We’ve all been way too stressed out.” He poked playfully at the rock.

Instantly, the huge, pink, blubbery mass of a rock reared up, throwing Phil off his back, and catching him in its jaws. The hippo then shook its head fiercely from side to side, and Phil was yelling for it to stop, and there were bones snapping like firecrackers, bones snapping like twigs on the sidewalk, and then Phil was limp like a rag doll. His tongue lolled out of his mouth. The hippo gave one last mighty heave, and Phil went flying in the air, limbs flying everywhere, and then he landed on the sharp pike of the metal fence, and suddenly there was blood all over, and the fence was I instantly painted red, and the water was turning a horrific dark pink. Arthur tried not to look at the body of Phil, impaled on a spike. He turned away. The hippo snorted.

“Ford,” said Tricia. “Hurry up. Open the next gate. Before the hippo gets here.”

Ford nodded and went to work at the gate with his lock-picking skills. A minute later, though, he was still pulling at the gate.

“What’s wrong?” asked Tricia.

Beads of sweat collected on Ford’s forehead. “I can’t get the gate to open.”

“What?!”

“I mean,” said Ford. “I unlocked the gate and everything, but it won’t open.”

Tricia walked up to the gate and stared at it. Then she sighed, lifted the latch, and opened the gate. She turned to Ford. “It’s called ‘lifting the latch,’” she said. They all walked through.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *

“Where are we now?” asked Arthur.

They were in an African savannah setting, much like the hyena compound. Ford looked around. “I think that we are in an African savannah setting.”

“No really,” said Tricia under her breath.

“Phil is dead,” said Stephanie, still in a daze.

“Shut up,” snapped Tricia. “He’s dead and gone, so there’s no point talking about it anymore.”

A dark shape moved towards them.

“What’s that?” asked Arthur.

“I don’t know,” said Ford. “but I suggest we run anyway.”

“Good idea,” said Tricia.

They ran.

The dark shape ran faster.

They ran even faster.

The dark shape grunted and got closer. Now they could all see clearly that it was a rhino.

Ford looked back at the rhino. He tripped on a rock. He fell.

“No!” cried Arthur.

Tricia grabbed Arthur’s arm to keep him from running back. “You can’t help him.”

Ford got up and started running again. The rhino caught up with him. It lowered its head, and then suddenly jerked it upwards. There was a horrible snap as Ford’s backbone snapped in half, and suddenly there was a jet stream of blood shooting out. Ford gasped, wheezed, and collapsed on the ground, where he was surrounded in his own pool of blood, growing bigger by the second.

Then Stephanie tripped out of fear. The rhino trampled her.

“Over the wall!!” shouted Tricia. Arthur nodded. He quickly scrambled up the wall and down to the other side.

There was a terrible ghastly silence.

There was a terrible ghastly silence.

There was a terrible ghastly silence.

Arthur and Tricia lay on the other side of the wall, where they had been killed by lions immediately after landing on the ground. A lion walked up to Arthur. It took a bite and chewed thoughtfully.

“Eww,” it thought. “McDonalds.”

It kicked the body of Arthur and went to share the body of the other human lying there.