Ok, here you go:
The official Q&A page of Donger (D) & Phatman (P)...
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November, 2002:
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'The Consultant' asks us if it really is dangerous walking underneath the ladder:
134. What are the unforeseen dangers of a male subordinate sleeping with his female superior in order to climb the corporate ladder?
D: I think this was a movie in the 90's with Michael Douglas and Demi Moore. Bottom line: it's a win/win situation.
P: None - Just don't sleep your way to the middle....make sure you make the top. As everyone in the office, which is prob 90% men, talks about your sexcapades...they better say you are a god or a member of Asgaard...if not...they are fucking losers or too Christian for their own good or they might be jealous or gay and jealous.
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Jeffro is back with a high-5 list of ?'s:
133. Which is the better old school anthem... "Rappers Delight" or "She's Crafty"? Why?
D: SHE'S CRAFTY because it was written by the white man.
P: Oooh....I'd say "She's Crafty". That song is just licensed to ill. Rappers Delight is for phony baloney posers and west coast homos.
132. If a death cage match was held today with Hulk Hogan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Sargent Slaughter, The Nature Boy Rick Flair, and Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka, The Iron Sheik, who would be the last man standing? Would Mean Gene still be able to call the action?
D: Isn't Mean Gene dead? And do you mean Rowdy Roddy Piper TODAY, or Rowdy Roddy Piper circa 1985? Hmmm...difficult question, but I'd have to go with Superfly Snuka. Hulk Hogan is a fraud, Piper a B-movie actor, Sgt. Slaughter was doing cameo's on the G.I. Joe cartoon last time I checked, Rick Flair is gay (not that there's anything wrong with it) and the Iron Shiek is doing traveling high school wrestling shows. Now, if Big John Stud was thrown into the mix.....
P: Are you talking about a Texas death cage match?? What about Captain Lou Albano? All things considered, I'd seem to have to put even odds on The Hulkster. I think Snuka is dead or insane. I'd be willing to bet the Iron Sheik went the way of Ali. Anyway...
131. I need to buy a hot in-law a present for Christmas, what do I get her?
D: T-back panties, along with a card that says "Meet me under the mistletoe".
P: Ohh shit man that's easy...I'd get her a fucking huge green dildo. I mean...what is she gonna say?? If she turns up her nose - she is a prude and you don't want anything to do with that. If she just pulls her mini up and jams it in there - she is slutty and you don't want that either. If she looks at you and says 'thanks'..pouts a bit...arches her back...and bites her lip while winking at you then she is cool with it and you'll be what she dreams about. Then - my favourite trick to pull at that point would be to park your car next to hers with a book in your passenger seat like, "How to Live Life With a Very Large and Intimidating Penis" or "The Perils of What to do With Your Lottery Jackpot" or maybe "A Dummy's Guide to Philanthropies - How to Give Your Time Wisely as an Independently Wealthy Urban Philanthropist" or even "Bowling With the Crippled and Reading to the Blind on the Weekend - A pamphlet Guide to Enjoying Life with the Less Fortunate".
130. Are there any circumstances in which Trey can be considered cooler than the Donger or the Phatman?
D: Yes, but only 1 situation: At a "Most Resembles a Human Keg" convention, we fear the old Treyster would be cooler.
P: The only way Trey is cooler than Phatman is if he has detached earlobes, has erectile tissue in his nipples, can run the 100 in less than 11 seconds, has a 5 handicap or less, and doesn't think twice about wasting a commie behind the 7-11. Trey is cooler than Donger if he can take his WHOLE penis in his mouth (not Donger's, but his own - I own and rent out Donger's penis).
129. Who are the "at-large" bid for the BCS going to? Who are the legit spoilers to crush these teams' hopes?
D: After the 6 automatic bids, the At Large bids are looking like Iowa and Florida. The only legit spoiler on the horizon is an FSU victory over Florida. Should that happen, keep your eyes out for Michigan or (gulp) Notre Dame.
P: I couldn't give a half digested tapeworm and a rotten piece of toenail about the BCS. If Tennessee isn't in the top 25, I stop caring about a lot of things...
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Jon asks our boys one that we've all needed answered at one point or another:
128. After a night a deep and passionate love making with a girl you met at a bar, you awake the next morning with the girl next to you. However, despite your best efforts you cannot remember her name and her purse is in the back of your SUV. What is the best way to find out her name?
D: Call her Jen. IF that's not her name, tell her that in your drunken stupor you confused her with her friend. All girls have a friend named Jen. If you want to be a wuss, offer to get her purse from the car and look at her ID (thanks for the meatball pitch on this one!). While there, rummage through her shit. If she has a half-used tube of KY or some other lubricant, she's a keeper!!!
P: If it were me...and it is me just about every fortnight. I just wake up and say: "Ahhh, hello my private dancer. Ewww, it's cold in here. I'm going to go and wee and check the Thermostatic Send Unit in the garage." I would then get into her purse and check the license. If the name is Jarbaqua Cindy Robinson...she probably goes by Cindy. If her car is 40 floors down and across the street, I would just give her pet names all morning when a name is required. I'd use something like 'my little squirrel', 'you awesome piece of mutton', 'my delightful piece of yum yum', or even 'my tender young morsel'. Actually, if it's just a one night deal and you KNOW it's a one night deal...I would just call her Carrol and hope for the best.
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Dr. Do-Little has a ball question about his Johnson:
127. What are Larry Johnson's chances of winning the Heisman Trophy?
D: If he finishes out the season solidly and Ken Dorsey chokes in one of his appearances against Va Tech and/or Tennessee, I'd say his chances are still ZERO. I foresee Dorsey getting it, or if the aforementioned happens, Sennaca Wallace or Byron Leftwich.
P: I couldn't give a firm stool and a warm piss about the Heisman Trophy.
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Little man Trey has some thoughts on hairless wagon-riders:
126. Lets say you randomly run into a bald friend of yours at a bar. He sits down at your table for at least 30 minutes, but repeatedly refuses a drink. Is he considered a pansy?
D: Yes. Pansy? No. Gay? Yes. I am the Sofa King, I can do anything!!!
P: Absolutely the opposite. Turning and spitting in the eye of peer pressure is one of the most noble and valiant acts of the 21st century. No longer can men slay dragons and be considered strong on the inside...now its busting a nut on a woman's face and saying..."ewww, right in the eye...ohhhh both eyes....here is a Coke." I like to think that today's bon vivant is made of sterner stuff than the pansy of old. So anyway, refusing a drink makes your bald buddy an asshole...but not a pansy.
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