Ok, here you go:
The official Q&A page of Donger (D) & Phatman (P)...
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October, 2002:
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Something just doesn't register with Mr. Monson:
125. When I register a web domain name with register.com or registersite.com, what entity do they "register" my domain name with? Does register.com or registersite.com pay a fee to this entity? An EarthLink employee told me the entity who registered websites was former U.S. Vice President, Al Gore. However, I don't believe her because Dad said never trust a woman with a red frisky purse. (The Copy Guy on the 6th Floor)
D: Your dad was right. Also: never trust a fat man nicknamed "Slim", never say you ordered the Kosher meal on a hijacked airplane, never piss into the wind, and look both ways before crossing the street.
P: I propose the WWW is like a big parking garage. The register ***.*** companies reserve parking spaces and then sells them to you. I don't know who owns the garage, but if the name isn't taken...then you are in luck. I own www.Ihavea20inchpecker.com and I'm hoping to cash in one day when Al Gore wants to buy it from me. I figured since he invented the calculator and the internet and massage oils....he can afford to buy www.Ihavea20inchpecker.com because he thinks he has one. In actuality I expect Clinochio has one and all big fat Jewish girls love that...because they have beavers that look like a fucking hairy monster abyss. He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. True Dat.
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Ralph is worried about his woman's mouth:
124. My question involves a common problem. Say a certain gentleman (me) has diligently flogged the bishop earlier in the day. Of course, he used plenty of moisturizer to prevent chaffing of his delicate member (of the clergy) as he expects to have intercourse with his girlfriend that night. Said girlfriend shows up earlier than expected before the gentleman has a chance to wash away the evidence (i.e. Jergens flavored schlong). Upon arrival, the gentleman's girlfriend naturally attempts to orally copulate him. Thus we at long last arrive at my question: What is a good cover story to keep her from discovering the evidence of his shameful act? ( Note: Donger, it doesn't matter to me that you don't consider it a shameful act. The gentleman's girlfriend does, and he wants to avoid offending her. That's what's important here. Please present your solution accordingly )
D: You can't stop the Donger....hell, you can't even contain him. He has First Amendment rights .... you know, freedom of the press and all that jazz. Now back to our regularly scheduled program-- the Cover Story. Tell your "girlfriend" (yeah, like we don't know all about the gloryholes in the Home Depot bathroom) that you like to keep your member moist and feeling "silky and smooth", so you lube it up with lotion every now and then. She'll understand. She fell for it when she tasted Raspberry Jergens on Donger's Donger.
P: Gentleman, I suggest that you see if she notices. If so, say you lubed it up in a precognitive sense so you could get straight to the DEED. Be even so brazen as to apply more lube as she is walking in the door, if possible. If she suggests that you spanked it...remind her that the recovery period for a man is 30 minutes on average and that if you just shot a load that you wouldn't be able to for a awhile...then proceed to make her bleed with your hard ramming cock in her beckoning pink flower as her heels dig into your hamstrings. You kiss her beautiful germanic lips mimicking her swollen and wet pussy as they both lubricate the powerful and rhythmic dance. As you blow your seed...go for an eye...or some natural crevice that's a bitch to clean out. That's what she gets for showing up early.
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TL is having a hard time driving on his hard-drive:
123. My 20 GB hard drive is getting kind of full. Should I (a) erase all porn and start from scratch, (b) burn the cream of the crop to CD then start from scratch, or (c) buy a new hard drive and slave it onto the master? Am I missing any options?
D: Forward all your files to [email protected] and Donger will tell you what to keep and what to delete. You should carbon copy [email protected].
P: I'd suggest burning it to CD and erasing the old files off the PC. This should open up - what - about 20 GB??? You really need a high speed internet connection and cleanable monitor. You covered all the options and I've given you the best one. Have fun...remember...you can't go blind unless you shoot it in your eye. Also, remember what Donger said - you get any on you or taste any - you are queer.
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JMM wants to discuss the odds of torture:
122. My friend, Chuck lives and works in the metro D.C. area. He and I were discussing the recent sniper shootings and we were wondering, does a resident of the metro D.C. area have a better chance of being shot by the sniper or winning the Mega Millions lottery? In a related question, once we catch this sniper bastard, do you think the US Supreme Court would rule it cruel and unusual punishment if we tied him to the Washington Monument, sniped his sorry ass and put it on pay-per-view for only $49.95?
D: According to the mass hysteria now sweeping the nation (be it true or false, the Donger still hasn't decided) the Al Queda have hired a sniper or snipers to destroy the American economy by having random people shot at in the central Northeast. Anyone who has watched spy movies KNOWS that if this is true, they are just creating a diversion in order to have the FBI, CIA, etc. focus all of their attention on this person or persons while "letting our guard down" insofar as defending the U.S. Are your chances better of getting shot or winning the lottery? Answer: getting shot. Being shot is a stable thing-- it's happening, say for argument's sake, once a week and it's CONSTANT. Conversely, the lottery takes place once a week but is VARIABLE in that the numbers change each week. Hey Phatman, bet you didn't know that I could use logic too!!!
Now, the punishment you suggest focuses on 2 major traits of the United States: our underlying religious beliefs (the Biblical "eye for an eye") and our joys of capitalism. In college, Donger and some of his co-horts were trying to think of a way to punish rapists, and this is what we came up with: Take the accused to a small wooden shed, crazy glue his penis to the floor, hand him a dull knife and light the shed on fire. Hey Ted Turner, just think of the ratings for that reality tv show!
P: Your odds of getting hit by the sniper are better. But then again, the odds of you having a car wreck that leaves you hurt and wallet-poor are even greater. I suggest to do what the guvment is saying and walk in outdoor public places in quick and jerky zig-zag motions. I think that would be awesome...it would look like an mid-eighties MTV video like "Beat It".
I'd rather have a group of militia in the DC metro area called the Sniper Sniper group go after him. I think that would emulate what Darwin had in mind when he discuses natural selection. Tying to the monument would only give the muslims something else to run a plane into. I think the sniper is a 30 year old white guy that just has played waaaay too many games of Unreal Tournament while watching "Enemy at The Gates". My word is bond.
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Jon needs some logistical definitions so he doesn't break any rules:
121. I am sure you are familiar with the "rule" that if your girlfriend is located in a different telephone area code from you, it is not cheating if you hook-up with another girl. If one lives in Atlanta, is there a similar rule if your girlfriend is located outside the perimeter ("OTP") and you are inside the perimeter ("ITP") and vica versa?
D: Donger says "Cheating is just plain wrong". Look at it this way, just dump her if your lustful urges are that uncontrollable and save yourself the eventually grief that is destined to happen. Donger presents..... YOU MAKE THE CALL:
Option A: Don't dump the girlfriend. Tag the new girl. Eventually get caught and/or confess and you're now a cheating asshole that no one wants to deal with anymore.
Option B: Dump the girlfriend. Tag the new girl. The ex's friends see you and all agree that you're a jerk BUT TECHNICALLY you're single now, so that makes you super attractive because if their friend is so hurt by you and ALREADY there are new chicks after you, there's something magical in your pants. Now the ex's hot friends will want a piece.
P: My rule is that you must do unto others as you expect them to do to you...but you do it to them first and then run away to avoid any backlash. I'd never cheat on a girl no matter the committemnt if I didnt expect or want her to cheat on me. So, if you don't care who's headboard her pretty pink panties are draped across...then I'd say who cares about area codes or county lines. Never cheat on a girl that owns a gun. Never cheat on a girl that you've dated for more than three weeks. If your girlfriend cuts you off for more than two weeks...you must announce: "Your apparent lack of attention is forcing me to look at other options". What your heart combined with your mind combined with your penis tells you is the PATH you should follow. Do not look for authorization and acceptance from me. I think if you want to cheat then go ahead...but don't expect the misses to keep it clean.
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Lavernius has a couple from a 'wide' range of topics:
120. Why are there some many queers in Atlanta now? It's like Piedmont park has taken over the entire city.
D: Attractive single men like the Donger are what elicite the seemingly ample supply of gay men in the city of Atlanta. I mean, throw a steak out in the middle of a seemingly empty lion cage and see what happens.
P: As for the queers, I'd worry more about the Latinos, the mulatos, and/or the Tamil tigers that call Atlanta home. Demographic minorities seek each other out to compensate for size. That's why there is China Town, Buck Town, The Barrio, the hood, etc. I'm sorry Atlanta is being overrun by fags. I'd suggest to ban soft pastel paints and scarfs. That may run them off.
119. Who can eat more donuts in one sitting, Phil "the fat fuck" Fulmer or John Popper?
D: Phil Fulmer is the most vile disgusting physically repulsive human being to walk the planet, and I'm not just saying that because he's a UT Vol. Enough with the orange babydoll T-shirts, Philly, how about an oversized Champion sweatshirt like the fat Jewish chicks in A.E.Phi at UF wear???
P: I'd say Fulmer can eat more donuts. His mass looks like it food induced, while Poppers' mass looks to be of genetic traits. So I would think Fulmer is more adapted to eating donuts.
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Jonathan has his mind on his money and his money on his mind:
118. What bank in the U.S. currently has the highest A.P.Y. on five year certificates of deposits?
D: Answer: check out www.ManNotIncluded.com. Though it's outside the U.S., the dividends could be quite rewarding!
P: Probably the Bank of KPMG. Actually, I know that KPMG is an accounting firm. A firm. Anyway, I'd guess maybe the Bank of Toronto. They totally fucked me out of some stock one time...and I hope they burn in Hell - every last one of them. I wouldn't advise a 5 year maturation CD...I'd go for 770 shares of PRGNQ at $.05. I'll sell you mine at my BASIS of $8.80 if you want. Yeah?? - Eh??
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Lindsay wants to know the speed of his yellow submarine:
117. How fast does seaman travel?
D: How fast can you handle?
P: Human powered = 3.47 Knots
First Nuclear Powered = 20 Knots
First Gas Powered = 7 Knots
Latest Nuclear Powered = 30 Knots
A Pink Submarine = 0 Knots
A pink torpedo = ?
A Knot is close to a mile an hour.
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Finally, Hugh asks our boys the age old question:
116. If you believe in the story of creation:
If you believe in the literal interpretation of the story of creation (God took six, 24 hour days to create the earth), then your answer is that the chicken came first. In the story of creation, God made all of the animals as animals, not as eggs or babies. So, the chicken was created, and it started to lay eggs.
If you believe in the theory of evolution:
First, this doesn't make you an atheist, but I will address that at another time. For any reason, if you believe in the theory of evolution (Darwinism), then you believe that the egg came first, although the egg wasn't produced by a chicken. By the theory of evolution, some pre-chicken creature would have laid an egg, and that egg would have been a mutant, with different DNA than its parents. The changes would have made the creature (the modern day chicken) better able to survive in its world, so it would breed more animals that are a mix between the chicken and the pre-chicken animal. These hybrids would breed amongst themselves, and eventually this interbreeding produced several chickens which all of our chickens come from. (I'm sure that there is a moral in that, but I can't think of it at the moment: ).
If you aren't a Christian, nor are you an Darwanist, then your answer might be different. I just chose those two because I was knowledgeable in both. However, the method is still a true one. So what is your answer to the hidden question?
D: Oh, THAT hidden question. Get yourself a pair of black Nikes, a large purple shroud, a box of rat poison and a gallon of gasoline. Blend the poison with the gasoline, drink the entire mixture, lace up the Nikes, lay down, cover yourself with the shroud, and wait for the Almighty One.
P: As a devout Darwinist and a God-fearing man, I could make a case that God made the pre-chicken animal which of course eventually produced the [modern] chicken egg. That is somewhat of a parallel answer to a circular question using formal logic, therefore I propose that the egg came first using the constraints of the question. I also think that chicken is the other white meat...and not pork.
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Odds are our boys won't be able to help Christie out tonight (unless she needs help in other areas):
115. I played the lottery today. Will the number 14 and number 3 be winning numbers tonight?
D: When I was reading the August issue of Maxim, I came across an article that stated that a healthy penis makes a buzzing noise when a male urinates. Now, I got concerned because I have NEVER heard my penis buzz, and I THINK this article was serious. Since you've wasted my time with meaningless banter, I thought I'd share some with you as well.
P: The number three will be part of the winning number...pick-three I presume. Well, pick it-three. 1-4-3 will not be a winner. 1-9-3 is always a winner (ask Phatz, PsyCohn, or any other Oooh'er to explain).
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Park does not like waking up at the crack of dog:
114. My crack-head neighbors got a dog 7 weeks ago. Since then, the damn thing has barked, without exaggeration, for 30 minutes of every hour. After 3 weeks or so, I figured the dog would soon give up; 4 more weeks have gone by, and it is still barking! When it woke me up at 2:50 AM last night, I realized that something had to be done. I called Animal Control, and they said that I would have to get into this long, confrontational process with the crack-heads. I don't want to do this, because I'll only wind up getting vandalized or worse. I'm considering using the ol' antifreeze-injected hotdog trick, but worry that my conscience will be haunted later. Donger & Phatman, what should I do?
D: The best way to resolve the barking situation without confronting the culprits is to talk with your other neighbors. Each one has some busy body yenta housewife that is probably just as annoyed as you are AND has the balls to say or do something about it. Let her piss off your neighbor while you reap in the benefits. If that doesn't work, try ordering BARK FREE from http://pestcontrol.netfirms.com/page3.html.
P: I suggest that you find someone with less of a conscience. Anyway, it's...broken up lightbulb in ground beef, a bowl filled with ethylene glycol (not propylene glycol), large amounts of chocolate, kidnapping, or simply a gunshot. I have the same problem with the neighbors dog coming over to shit in my yard. I simply chased it off every time I saw it...after a while it just stopped coming around. You are asking one of the most interesting and hard to answer questions. It's because the solution has got to be reached with awesome decorum, lest you start a border war. War with neighbors is not fun. I would suggest you buy a pit bull or some other Alpha, Angels 1-5, Monster Truck, Ass Crunching Doggie...and let them go to blows. If your neighbors were names Bif and Muggles...I'd suggest a more diplomatic approach...but you've described these people as the most primal brained sorts. These types only know simple stimuli...they are unable to breach higher planes of reason. There inlies the rub. Fighting fire with fire. Bringing a gun to a knife fight. Return favors two-fold...return malice five-fold. I'm afraid that confrontation is your only hope. You can try the path least traveled and see where it leads, but I'm afraid its just going to be one step forward and two steps back. Barking is one of the worst things...its relatively constant...at a horrible frequency and duration. It drove the son of Sam to the brink...actually beyond the brink. My final thought is a dog collar that you can buy and lay anonymously on the steps of their little hovel. The collar must electrocute the dog when it barks. Other than that, I suggest kidnapping and murder (the dog - I'm not talking about the 18 year old Korean national that you are so fond of).
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Eric is just looking for a ruling on what to do with his deposit:
113. If you are at someone else's house for a party, and you've been drinking either diet Coke or beer all night long, and your pee is as clear as the water that you're pee-ing into, it is rude not to flush? (This is assuming that they have no pets that drink out of the toilet, and you didn't take a dump - upper decker included. Also assuming it's not Marty Russo's house.)
D: Flushing a toilet after any usage is a must! Suppose the person after you drops some change or jewelry in there and needs to fish it out? On second thought, that would be funny--- don't flush, ever!
P: The common etiquette of civilized man is to flush and wash the hands. I realize the cleanest part of my body is what i wash (excessively) in the morning and then take care to dry off and pack in cotton all day. So why do we wash after and not before...I dunno. Anyway, after drinking plenty of diuretics the urine becomes clear...I still say to flush even if there exists an upper decker. After plenty of beer I tend to digress into ancient man...and I piss just about anywhere that won't cause an intense mess. That is to say anywhere outdoors and anywhere indoors that leads to a sewer drain, i.e., kitchen sink, wash machine, shower, tub, lavatory sink, etc.
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