Ok, here you go:
The official Q&A page of Donger (D) & Phatman (P)...
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September, 2002:
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Mr. Little has some not-so-happy feet:
112. I'm told I have metatarcil capsilitis. Could you explain to me exactly what that is?
D: Metatarsalgia Capsulitis is when your feet get all nasty and shit from walking around barefoot in a men's locker room. Between the piss, jizz, phlegm and other bodily fluids, Donger suggests that you wear flip flops in the shower, or pull a Madonna and just pee on your feet because "urea kills bacteria". What you seriously do have is inflammation on the bottom of your toes/feet. You can wear padding in your shoes, get a cortisone shot, or have your girlfriend tongue bathe the little piggies.
P: I expect you have aches and pains in the toes of the feet in the early morning or in the late evening. Are you a busy dancer? Do you let your boyfriend shrimp you in the bathroom at Dorsia?? Anyway...your joint sacks are breaking down and you've lost the lube in your joints. I suggest some aspirin...or some painkiller.
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Karen is trying to get into the swing of things here:
111. Would you say golf is more of a "sport" or "skill"?
D: Golf is a SKILL and most definitely NOT a sport. Granted, it takes someone with very good skills and concentration to master the game of golf, and the Donger tips his hat to those who can play with success. A "sport" entails a ball or ball-like item (i.e.-puck) with opposing players making contact with the item in a battle against each other. Examples of sports include: baseball, football, basketball, hockey, tennis, volleyball. Examples of skills include: golf, bowling, gymnastics, track and field, and bi/triathalons. As with any American rule, there are exceptions, like fencing, ultimate frisbee or sport-fucking. Donger is NOT saying that mastering a skill is more prestigious than playing a sport-- he's just pointing out the differences.
P: Ahh, very interesting question. I suppose that golf falls in the same group as bowling, darts, pool...stuff like that. I'd say that these are all sports. There are rules, a format, call be played alone or with a partner(s). This puts golf in the category of sport. Alas, golf is more than just a sport...it is truly one of the greatest games ever invented. It does more things to the players head than any other sport. Anyway, I play golf so I may be biased and I really don't care if somebody says golf is just an 'event' or a 'skill'. Even if a lot of middle aged fat guys play or even guys that are 80.
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Christine is trying to jazz up her digital life:
110. I have several vintage jazz albums (LPs) that I would like to record to CD. How can I record these albums to CD? I have Roxy Easy CD Creator on my Dell (if that helps). How can I convert LP analog to digital CD? Thanks for your advice.
D: What you do is connect a plug from your phonograph into your computer (you can get them from any electronics store), set up the software you mention, then break the friggin records over your head! Dude, it's 2002. Splurge the $10 and treat yourself to a CD, for crying out loud! On a serious note, Roxio does have software that allows you to record analog sources (LPs, cassettes, and dare I say 8-tracks) on to digital CD's. You will need to make certain connections into your computer, but I'm sure Phatman will outline it all nicely herein. Take it away, sparky!
P: I wouldn't even waste my time. If it was a good Talking Heads album or maybe even Herbie Hancock old school...then I'd burn a CD. Well anyway...to get from analog to digital you need a A/D converter. If you want to spend all the money, go ahead. To get from LP to CD...takes equipment...it's readily available. You'll need lots of wires behind your computer and a bunch more electrical outlets. Lots of money. Lots. If you are still interested I'll draw you up a ladder diagram.
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Chris is trying to move in on our beloved Lisa:
109. What’s the story on Lisa? And if she is one of your girlfriends, then I’m definitely interested.
D: If you are inquiring about Lisa of www.LisaLondon.net, it is Donger's understanding that she is presently accepting applications. Please fill out the questionairre below and mail it to:
Lisa London
1 Party Central
Atlanta, GA 30318
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Name______________________
Cock Size: _____________ (in inches)
Note: if your answer was 7 or less, please don't waste my time.
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P: Lisa plays the flute in Psycohn's Psychos band. She also used to have two nice dogs. She is not my girlfriend...with that being the case, are you no longer interested?? Do you only go after girls that have boyfriends?? This could be bad for your health. I suggest you call Lisa and schedule a flute lesson.
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Grandpa's question is about school on Saturdays:
108. Who has more class.... The rednecks in Gainesville (UF) or the hillbillies in Knoxville (UT) ?
D: Not all questions can be answered "yes" or "no". The Donger doesn't see in black and white, but rather shades of grey. The question you ask is most difficult, however I can say that both UT and UF fans have more class in their big toes than the greasy shithead wannabe U of Miami fans, 90% of which didn't even ATTEND the damn school! Not that it's tough to get in there, since all you need is a credit card and pubic hair.........
P: In my opinion, Knoxville hillbillies have a shade better class. UF Rednecks are just posers. They fake it ...just look at the jelly shoes on their women and the mullets on the men...UF rednecks go to the hair stylist and get their shoes at the mall. Knoxville hillbillies use a scissor-at-home kit to cut their hair and buy jelly shoes at the dollar general. That's class. First Class.
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Papa Goose doesn't want to believe what his momma told him:
107. If you both continue to masturbate will you eventually go blind?
D: No, but it's a bitch shaving my palms every morning.
P: Quite simply...NO. If we do not masturbate the toxins will build up in the cowpers gland and cause an inflammation which could cause gangreen or some other undesirable problem (complication). It's the duty of every man to spill his seed on a woman's tummy, on her back, in a nice little glass jar, on the dirt (like Onan), in the shower, on his hand, on some napkin, on toilet paper, or anywhere the stuff goes, like the ceiling in some cases.
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Damon just wants to play with his Donger:
106. Why is UFBogie so nice to me, but Donger is so mean?
D: Wanting people to listen, you can't just tap them on the shoulder anymore. You have to hit them with a sledgehammer, and then you'll notice you've got their strict attention... How old were you when you first let a man make love to you? Next, who was he? Next, how did you feel at the time? Next, how did you feel afterwards? What did you feel? What did you think? Were you pleased? Frightened? Ecstatic? Disgusted? What did he say? What words did you speak? That's what i want to know... now, tell me, now, now, all of it, now, tell me, yes!
P: UFBogie is Earthbound. Donger is godlike. In internet space...I'm godlike, in real life...I'm a hacked up piece of fish food. Since you are of the Earth...and gay....UFBogie would probably be very nice to you at the possibility of a hug. Donger wouldn't even toil with you...but as for Donger and me...in internet space...we get it on a plenty... BTW, I never in my fucking life have seen that Q before. Tell that sensitive man to get a good ISP.
(editor's note: Damon did not originally submit the question through the website, thus the confusion. Bad Damon - no more pacifiers for you!)
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The Bike Chick just can't seem to find a good spot to break her bread:
105: I have tried many sexual positions and still can't be fully aroused. Is there anything you can suggest? Or is it just my partner? Do you have any idea just how many sexual positions there really are? I know there is hope for me.
D: With the Donger's talented tongue (he can lick his own eyebrows) factored that he's hung like a baby (8lbs, 6 oz), you have come to the right place. Never mind what Dr. Patti has to say on some OTHER advice column (http://www.ivillage.co.uk/relationships/sex/hots/qas/0,9584,172_158571,00.html), the Donger will satiate you in ways you never dreamed of....but, alas, the Donger hides out in the depths of Steve City and makes rare public appearances. What you need to do is send nude 8 x 10 color photos to [email protected] or a 15 minute video tape showing the positions you have already tried, along with your credit card number and expiration date, and we'll sign you up for the next seminar, entitled "How to Reach Sexual Utopia", with special guest speakers Phatman, Scrote, Jizzo and the keynote speaker, Donger. (Note that all photographic and video submissions become property of BeyondNasty.com and will not be returned.)
P: No matter how many positions that you try with your current partner, nothing beats the raw power of a clitoral vibrator. I suggest to use this in concert with a nice pounding from the back. That should do enough to stimulate both the clitoral region and the deep vaginal region. Good luck..oh I almost forgot...try multiple simultaneous partners, smear peanut butter, use motor oil, use gojo with pumice, smear your own fecal matter, use carrots, use cucumbers, use grapes, get tied up, wear costumes, play loud music, pee on each other, punch each other, pull hair, bite, yell, scream, use the shower, use the tub, use the front lawn, use the dining room table, and try the reverse cowgirl.
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Molly is trying to raise a game boy:
104. My husband and I have a four month old baby. How old is too old for him to be playing Playstation2, XBox, and pc games?
D: Option A: Internet porn and private chat rooms. Option B: Playstation2, XBox, and pc games. Thank your lucky stars that you have such a great (and wonderfully skilled) husband and quit yer bitching!!! Hey-- what games does he have??
P: If you are talking about the husband...too old is when he loses his manual dexterity and also loses the hand-eye coordination that is required to play games. If you are talking about the baby...too young would be before he gained manual dexterity. I suggest putting the Playstation control interface in his/her hands and seeing if he/she can manipulate the controls. Otherwise, wait 'till the baby starts to masturbate - that takes quite a bit of dexterity and is a good indicator of when they are ready for the XBox.
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Karie is looking into some other ways to spend her alone time:
103. Autoerotic Asphyxia, What does it mean? And is it as good as people say it is? And is it TOO MUCH? Curious in Pasadena.
D: Autoerotic Asphyxia is the act of intentionally strangling oneself while masturbating in order to intensify the orgasm through reduced oxygen flow to the brain. Is it as good as people say or too much? Why not ask Michael Hutchence? Or check out the postings at http://freepages.health.rootsweb.com/~tomrue/aad.htm. Try holding your breath the next time you stimulate the man in the boat and see if it works. Donger learned that IF you practice this form of masturbation, keep a lemon in your mouth. That way, if you black out, when you bite down on the lemon, the tartness will wake you up. And that's one to grow on!
P: Well, I have a natural tendency to hold my breath while my peter is stroked...by hook or by crook. Autoerotic Asphyxia is just that. It is limiting oxygen to your body while you are pounding pink or spanking the monkey. The lead singer of INXS and many others have died from suffocation while using this technique. Commonly, a telephone cord is used just because they are often found in and around a house. When they body is starved of oxygen it emits drugs that give the feeling of euphoria. Try holding your breath for an extended period of time and you'll get a mild sense of this. It's probably not as good as people might say and obviously it IS too much. Instead try astroglide...or even gojo with pumice as a lubricant. If you are a woman...just get a vibrator.
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Daniel wonders why he can't make it into work before noon:
102. What causes a hangover, how do you prevent getting one and how do you get rid of it quickly?
D: A hangover is caused by excessive alcoholic consumption. The obvious was to prevent a hangover is the same way one avoids pregnancy-- ABSTINENCE. Otherwise, have a great time, but be prepared to spend the next day in bed or miserable in whatever activity you are up to. The rule on getting rid a hangover range from "Hair of the Dog" (i.e.- waking up and drinking something like a Bloody Mary) to running a glucose I.V. drip, however Donger thinks that the best remedy is to take a few Advil or Tylenol with about a gallon of water or Gatorade BEFORE going to bed. Yes, Donger has read the warnings about mixing pain relievers with alcohol, but this is the suggestion for a once a week thing, NOT a daily routine, and the Donger is NOT a licensed doctor, just an experienced hangover specialist. Anyway, down the water and the Advil and go to bed. Set your alarm to go off 2 hours BEFORE you need to get up. When the alarm goes off your head WILL be pounding. Take more Advil, drink more water, and pee. Eat a peanut butter sandwich and a banana and go back to bed. When you wake up the 2nd time, all will be well.
P: Hangovers occur due to dehydration and acute toxic poisoning by the alcohol you drink. There is no way to get rid of one. You can try to prevent one by drinking in moderation and by cutting your drinks with water or by drinking plenty of water to prevent dehydration. Once the hangover occurs...only your body's natural processes can cure you. That's right...the three S's, i.e.: Shit, Shower, and Shave. Eat a nice breakfast (puke it up or not). You must live your life as you normally would. Some believe that you must bite the dog that bit you, i.e. drink another beer. That will presumably bring your body down slowly as not to cause a "withdraw". You'll eventually pay the piper. Trust me, I'm an expert.
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