Ok, here you go:  

The official Q&A page of Donger (D) & Phatman (P)...

(to return to the main page, click this)

July, 2002:

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June offers us a 3some from her usual s&m lifestyle:

73.  What is the proper technique for mounting a donkey? a horse? a cow? an ass?

D:  Donkey- punch it in the back of the head, then insert penis

Horse- grab it's mane, insert penis

Cow- fondle the utters, insert penis

Ass- smack it up, flip it, rub it down....insert penis

P:  The technique used for a donkey, horse, cow or an ass is exactly the same as what is employed when mounting a sheep. You may need a stool depending on the animal. Dolphins are completely different, but far better lovers.

72.  I would like to see a live feed demonstration of shrimpping, can you please go into detail on how this is done?

D:  Due to international laws, FCC rules and regulations, and the Donger's own personal morals and ethics, a "live feed demonstration" of shrimpping will not be available at this time. However the act of shrimpping occurs when (typically) a "normal sized" man engages in sexual relations with a woman, who is under five feet tall. It can also occur if any woman has sex with Psycohn; that short, dirty hobbit.

P:  Shrimpping like shrimp farming or shrimpping like sucking toes? Well, I assume you mean the latter. Just put one to five little piggies in your mouth and suck on them; running your tongue between the toes.  Just get those toes clean using saliva and the natural roughness of the tongue. Some people are ticklish...too bad. Get the job done. You may also chose to massage the clitoris while you are shrimpping.

71.  The nuns taught me that a blow job is when you gently blow air on a mans erect penis, is this correct and if not, what is the correct technique?

D:  Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG!!! Come hither, June, and let Uncle Donger show you the correct method. (Note: Each guy likes his pud slurped differently, so this is just the preferred Dongerstyle).  First of all, you need to get the (as you call it) "penis" erect. This requires merely saying "Hello" to the Donger. Woodage should shortly transpire. Secondly, if he is not already naked, you remove the Donger's clothing so Billy (short for "William the Conqueror") is unleashed for all the world to gaze upon. Next, take Billy in your loving hands exercising the Scorpion clutch, where your fingers form an "O" and the middle finger is barely touching the thumb. This provides for a firm, yet gentle touch.  That was just the foreplay! Now begins the actual blowjob. First you want to do something about the teeth. NO TEETH!!! Take out the falsies or let Donger punch them out, but scrappage is bad, bad, bad! Beware the dreaded Toofis! Once that is accomplished, put the purple helmeted warrior as far back in your throat as possible, and bob up and down fiercely for about 30 minutes. Remember: NO TEETH! Every so often, you can twist your wrists back and forth to give the Donger that "Hey, close your eyes and pretend there are 2 women here" feel.  The next step takes lots of talent: make sure your tongue is fluttering on the underside of the shaft while you're bobbing for semen. This could very well drive the Donger over the edge. Even more importantly, you MUST make eye contact the entire time with that "i'm an innocent little puppy dog" look.  Finally, it's go-time. The Donger may or may not warn you when Billy's gonna blow. Regardless, be ready to take the change [props to Carrie for this line] like a champ, and either swallow it all or after Donger passes out, quietly spit it out in the bathroom.  The end is the most important part of the blow job. It is the female's responsibility to get a warm, wet washcloth and clean Billy, as well as any part of the Donger's body that might have been leaked upon. After you clean up, get dressed and go home. Be quiet as you leave, and don't call for about 4 days (7 if it's on a Friday or Saturday).

P:  I can only speak upon the final indication of a successful technique. The technique itself is too differentiated. Generally, you have to stick the whole cock in your mouth and suck on it rhythmically moving the lips over the glands and using your hand to stimulate the "root". That's the method I use when I need a few extra bucks on the weekend. You've done a good job when your man says something like, "oh yeah" or "I say", and you get a nice milky white discharge. If it is red, yellow, brown, green, or other non white colors...both of you need to seek medical attention.

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Myrth might not be a 'fan' of some people's relatives:

70.  If a guy is in a committed relationship and goes over to his girlfriends sister's house to put up a ceiling fan for her and she asks him to have sex with a cherry pie in front of her...is it cheating?

D:  No, it's not cheating. It's only cheating if there is physical contact with another person or an animal that he does not own. For instance, if a guy spreads peanut butter on his testicles and his dog licks it off, it's not cheating because it's HIS DOG. Get it? It's HIS DOG.

P:  I'd say that there is more at play here than just simple cheating. I'd say its a foul for "Extraneous Sexual Behaviour (ESB) in the company of the opposite sex". That carries as stiff a penalty as simple cheating. You stick your dick in another woman and you should get the boot....as well as any ESB in the company of the opposite sex. Jacking off in front of your own lead zep of a wife/girlfriend is NOT a foul. Jacking off in front of their kids is a foul of a different sort. Anyway, The answer to your q: No, it's not cheating, but it's just as much of a foul. Cheating is any passionate intercourse between you and a woman that isn't "wearing your ring". Dig it?

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Karen wants equal terminology treatment:

69.  (please note the q#)  What's the female version of "cock blocking" called?

D:  The Donger has heard such lame terms as "Bush Barricade" or "Ovary Obstruction", but cockblock seems to be a universally transgender term. A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.

P:  Well the female equivalent of cock blocking is probably not very common. It would just mean that a woman wanted a dick in her box but couldn't find one or there was something preventing that dick from getting it on...like kids awake, parents staying over...blah blah blah.

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Jeffrey has 4 for the floor:

68.  I'm not from around here... what is a cracker?

D:  A "cracker" is a derogatory term for a white southerner that was derived back in the slave days, when the plantation owner used to crack his whip upon his slaves. What? Did you think Donger couldn't EVER be serious? Yeah, that's boring, continue reading below.

P:  A cracker is a fella that flips the whip. It makes a cracking sound. Once upon a time, this was a familiar sound on some plantations around the country. Usually the guy was a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant. It's also a type of unleavened bread.

67.  How do you tell someone who is bald that he needs to tone down the shine on his dome?

D:  The shiny bald dome question rearing it's ugly head again! When will all the discrimination stop?!?! First you bitch about the mullet, then the comb over, then the close shave.... now the damn chrome dome is offensive? The best approach is just to directly request the human sunreflector to ease up on the lotion. Alternatively, when he's not looking, just dump some baking soda, corn starch, flour, or whatever powder you have accessible upon his skull. He'll get the hint.

P:  Why would anyone need to turn down the shine on his dome?? I'd say that if I was a bald guy or wore my head shaved, I'd want it to be as shiny as possible. Even the peacock with out feathers must do something to demonstrate to the ladies.

66.  In a fight who would win, Phatman or Donger?

D:  Dude! Some questions are just so ridiculous they require no answer. Donger was a featherweight gold gloves champion back in 1996. Plus, Donger has the coolest sidekicks: Scrote and Tess Tickles. And such formidable powers!

"What powers you ask? I dunno how 'bout the power of flight? That do anything for ya? That's levitation, holmes. How 'bout the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away... with mind bullets! That's telekinesis, Kyle. How 'bout the power to move you?"

P:  Fistfight: Donger

Food Fight: Phatman

Harsh Word Fight: Phatman

No holds barred Tae-Kwon-Do death match: Donger

pillow fight: Phatman

gun fight: Phatman

tickle fight: Donger

65.  How do you guys handle all the chicks that flock after you?

D:  Ask your wife, mother and sister. It's tough balancing all 3 at once, but Donger is hoping one drunken night to have a great story to tell on Springer!

P:  I broadcast some finely cracked corn on the ground. That's the whole reason they chase after me in the first place. I'm the guy with the sweet feed.

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Though Trey is keeping us in business, shame on him for even bringing up this most over-rated actor:

64.  What is the greatest Chevy Chase movie of all time? And which is the most underrated? I need to make sure I've got my bearings on the subject...

D:  Chevy Chase is the worst, and let me emphasize in all caps, THE WORST comedic-actor of all time. While some of his movies may be enjoyable, he himself is just NOT funny. Anyone who's claim to fame is a Gerald Ford impersonation (and a bad one at that) has no business being considered a glorified movie "star." Anyway, to answer the question at hand is like asking Donger which broken bone he had the most "fun" enduring.

The Greatest is "National Lampoon's Vacation"

The Worst "Caddyshack II"

The Most Underrated "Under the Rainbow"

The Most Overrated "Fletch"

P:  Greatest: Spies Like Us (lead actor).  How are your bearings?? If any of your thoughts were the Vacation series...your waaaay fucking off.  "Fletch Lives" is the most underrated.

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Matthew brings up a good point with this one:

63.  How does one actually 'f*ck off'?

D:  Lauren Bacall said it best in "To Have and Have Not", "You just put your lips together and blow."

P:  According to Webster's:  Main Entry: fuck off

                                                           Function: intransitive verb

                                                           Date: 1929

                                                           usually vulgar : SCRAM -- usually used as a command

Ohh, do you want to know how to use the word? If you want to know how to do it...I suggest pulling down your pants...pulling out your wanker and proceed to rythmically pull pud. When you are done...you've just FUCKED OFF.

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Trey just can't stay away from animal play:

62.  Hypothetically, if you accidentally kill your roommate's hamster in a freak felching accident, should you confess to him, or clean up Mr.Pinky and pretend that he died of natural causes? If you could email back the answer immediately that would be great...

D:  First off, the language you use is inaccurate. The art (and it is an art!) of felching involves a male ejaculating in another man/woman's ass (or vagina) and sucking it out. [This should not be confused with "Snowballing" when a male ejaculates into another's mouth, and the recipient of the baby batter then orally returns the semen back to its donor through the act of kissing.] Donger was once asked this question, only it was referring to a pet water snake as opposed to a hamster. The question you ask is about gerbiling. To prepare a hamster for the act of gerbiling, one needs the following items: a hamster, a pair of pliers, some wine, matches, tissues, an empty cardboard paper towel tube, Vasolione, an electric razor, and a Neil Diamond CD. While playing the Neil Diamond CD (rodents seem to be soothed by the tender voice of Mr. Diamond), soak a tissue in the wine, then "feed" it to the hamster. Wait a few moments and after some small talk, the hamster should be nice and drunk. Proceed to stroke it while you shave off all his fur. Take the pliers and proceed to rip out it's teeth and claws. To stop the bleeding, coat the hamster in Vasolione and coax him into one end of the paper towel tube. Hold one end up to your anus, then light a match at the opposite end. Hamsters are afraid of fire, and Mr. Pinky should instinctively burrow in your rectum. After you are done, use the tissues to clean up. Make sure the hamster is out of your ass though, as infection could arise! Should Mr. Pinky die during the experience, just flush him and get a new one. Hamsters are disposable pets, much like goldfish and cats.

P:  That's not felching. That's gerbilling. Felching is a whole other world. Anyway, I would just tell the roommate the truth. While you are boning him in the ass, you can see if he will give you a reach around...that way you can test to see if he is gay. In the mean time, buy him another hamster similar to the first and see if he notices. C'mon, I thought i was the only guy into gerbilling. I've graduated up to guinea pigs.

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Lori might have a beef with some of her briefs:

61.  Edible underwear...sexy or slutty?

D:  Depends on the purpose. Worn for, and used solely in, a bedroom- sexy! Worn for, and use solely in, a gym-- disgusting!

P:  Completely useless. The wrapping on the present is not at all important...its the gift itself that's the key. As soon as she puts that crap on...I'll be tearing it off. I'll not ingest one ounce of that flavoured yuckiness. I suggest that you follow my lead. Get to the good stuff and don't feel bad about stampeding towards the clitoris. That's the life of Phatman.

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Back again, Trey is wondering how close he can get to crossing the line, both while working and 'cruising':

60.  Is it wrong to masturbate while you're on the clock at work?

D:  The Donger heard the answer to this one in the movie "Road Trip" by the character E.L. (aka- Seann William Scott, bka- Stiffler from "American Pie"):

"You're in college. The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day. You pass this up, it'll haunt you for the rest of your days. Your dick will never forgive you.  What do you think, little man? Don't you ever want to experience something new? [ Squeaky voice ] It ain't easy being Josh's penis. We've been here over two months, and I feel like I'm in a coma. I wish I was your dick, E.L. If something doesn't happen soon, I'm gonna pack up my balls and leave. "

P:  It's OK only if you are on a smoke break or on the can doing other natural processes. I do not agree that you can charge time to take such a break for the brake's sake. The timesheet will need to be justified and that is not appropriate. Smoking is and crapping is and pissing is. So to be safe make sure if you masturbate at work it is while you are double timing and doing something else like writing email or waiting for a print out.

59.  If you get naked in Blake's on 10th Street, does that mean you're gay?

D:  That's a fargin trick question. If Donger answers yes, he's being narrow-minded and homophobic. If Donger answers no, inquiring minds will wonder the true nature of his sexuality. The reasoning behind the nudity would have to justify the sexuality of the behavior. If the naked participation is part of a dare or bet, the nudist is not homosexual. If the nudist is either sucking cock or naked as a result of "getting free shots", then yes, he's a queer.

P:  ABSOLUTELY NOT! Even in the darkest hour, getting naked at a place like that just means you want to express yourself. If you subsequently cornhole a guy and he gives you a reach around, you know he IS gay. I'd smell everyone's finger before you left just to check and make sure nobody stole your sugar. My suggestion is to get naked but be careful. Make sure you can fend off a forcible unwanted admirer. The question is similar to if a girl got naked in a strip club she is not a stripper. Right. If a guy stuck a dollar in her crack - well that still doesn't make her a stripper. I hope my point is concise.

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Brian is feeling musically challenged:

58.  What 5 songs have had the biggest impact on you and why?

D:  5- Black Dave's "Big Mamma"

4- 2 Live Crew's "Fuck Shop"

3- Juvenille's "Back Dat Azz Up"

2- Eminem's "Without Me"

1- Skee Lo's "I Wish"

The Donger is kidding; that was just for his little girl.

5- Beastie Boys "Fight For Your Right To Party"- this, along with "Paul Revere" and others from their debut album, "License to Ill" was the party anthem for the Donger in high school.

4- Limp Bizkit's "Re-Arranged"- It's got a great beat, the words are timeless, and the video is kinda cool too.

3- God Lives Underwater's "No More Love"- This should be renamed the Breakup Anthem. Anytime you are getting out of a relationship, spin this tune a few thousand times and sing along! If you really want to get back at that s.o.b., you may be better off jamming to Insane Clown Posse's "Another Love Song".

2- Stone Temple Pilots "Interstate Love Song"- Everytime Donger hears it, it just sooths the savage beast. It very well may be one of the greatest songs ever written (and don't give me the "Stairwell to Heaven" crap argument). Donger suggests you get your hands of a copy of the unplugged version recorded on VH1 Storytellers and have a listen for yourself. Tough to decide though if Scott Weiland is better on or off the drugs.

1- Nine Inch Nails "Closer"- Not only is it just a great song, but there is an album of remixes that was released by NIN, the versions of which are even better than the original. If you pay attention to the opening credits in the movie "Se7en", you can enjoy one of them. Donger is a HUGE NIN fan, and has probably made love to every song they have ever recorded. However, due to the cliche of the line "I wanna fuck you like an animal", it is the one song he will NEVER have sex to.

P:  5 Three Little Birds, Bob Marley: Music to help you understand the nature of man and woman- completely replaces The Bible

4 My Pony, Genuwine: Very nice dirty sex music

3 Another Brick in the Wall Part III, Pink Floyd: Good music to wake you up when you are in the heart of the monster.

2 Shine on you Crazy Diamond Parts V-VIIII, Pink Floyd: This track contains the best 2 minutes in music

1 The Lonely Bull, Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass: There is nothing better anytime or anyplace than bullfight music.

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Uncle Remus has a tri-fecta of ?'s about the opposite sex's habits - good luck:

57.  Like Steak, I workout 5-6 days a week and I am well on the way to being "cut". My girlfriend does not work out or exercise, and as a result, she's putting on a few in the wrong places. How should I go about telling her to lose weight or I will dump her?

D:  Uncle R, this is a VERY sensitive issue. ALL women are very insecure about the way they look. Understand that even Kate Moss thinks she looks fat. Donger suggests that you turn your concern into an opportunity to spend more QT with the girlfriend-- invite her to the gym with you. Train with her. Tell her that you guys can hang out more than you do now if you did things together that you normally do alone. Once she bites, then you ask her to masturbate in front of you. Does that answer your question?

P:  Every time you see a thin girl on TV or in the mall...you say "there goes a hot TYM". She will ask about it. You say "ohh it's what I call thin girls that are good looking". She says, "what is a TYM?". You say, "Tender Young Morsel". She says, "Am I one?". You say, "No." At that point an argument may ensue about how you never do anything for her or some point that has no relevance but scatters the issue. The work is done and the seed is planted. Sit back and you'll be looking for a new girlfriend in 2-3 months. That is a passive approach. An active approach is a bit easier. It just takes some ballsy initiative. Just tell her that she is not within your girlfriend weight parameter and she will need to be replaced. She should understand. If she doesn't, you didn't want her in the first place.

56.  Why are girls so afraid to admit that they masturbate?

D:  So guys like you don't ask them if you can watch! Truth is, they don't admit it to GUYS, but that's all they do at slumber parties. Right after the topless tickle fights and Crisco twister.

P:  They see it as not lady-like. Every guy should take it upon themselves to introduce your girl to a vibrator. 50% of women suffer from inorgasmia. You better see if that box works before you buy it. That is a sure way to find out. Anyway, I submit that most girls don't masturbate because they don't know how and the only place you can buy a vibrator is a seedy sex shop.

55.  If you are going down on a chick and she rips one, would you hold your nose and keep on licking, or would you get the heck out of there?

D:  Would you want her to stop slurping the schlong if you blew ass while she was down there? Your first problem, Uncle R., is why AREN'T you holding your nose to begin with? I mean, think about last Friday night when your nuts are all sweaty, and all the piss you forgot to shake off the end of your weasel is stagnant on your pecker. This fine woman of yours is putting THAT NASTY rod in her mouth... JUST to please you! If that's all going on in your shorts, you can ONLY imagine what's breeding in hers! This whole oral sex thing, don't get me wrong ladies, feels great, but if you break it down like the Donger just has.... man oh man, you wonder why people have sore throats all the time. The Donger, WHEN AND IF he pleases his special lady, he immediately gargles with hydrogen peroxide afterwards. If she farted, well, game is called on account of bad weather.

P:  I wouldn't even hold my nose. All smells from a woman are ethereal and should be treated as a religious experience.

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William has an wonders if our boys suffer from an Oedipus Complex:

54.  Which one of your mothers is better in bed?

D:  Mine is. I was breast fed until the age of 19 which is why I have strong, healthy bones. Phatman's mother has a lot in common with a brick-- they are both dirty and get laid by Mexicans. Mommy Mommy, what's a nymphomaniac? Shut up and help me get your grandmother off the doorknob.

P:  His.

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Kiley is wondering if the rumors are true of the sHermanator:

53.  Dear Donger- What is the deal with you and Scott Herman's penis? I guess you can weigh in too Phatman if you have any knowledge of said penis.

D:  According to legend, Scott Herman (aka- the Herminator) has a penis the size of a moderate skyscraper. I went directly to the source himself and was informed, and I quote, "I think my grandmother was raped by a donkey". Donger is very secure in his heterosexuality, however curiosity has gotten the better of him. Donger is officially requesting the Herminator to come forth and present his almighty kidney basher for a public screening session, so that all the residents of Atlanta may revel in it's splendor.

P:  I think I will take this opportunity to chime in. I think its time to tell Donger...that I too crave the softness and the ironic hardness of Scott's Penis (Pecker Wrecker-you should see this guy try to walk down a standard 3' hallway finished in gyp board. There will be holes punched through the gyp with the Glands of that monster.) Ahhh, the deal.

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Robert wants Clarice to subscribe to a quid pro quo policy in bed:

52.  Is it socially unacceptable to blow your load on some girl's face while she is sleeping if before she fell asleep, you got her off and she didn't return the favor?

D:  Absolutely not! You didn't get off??? Welcome to the world of knowing what it's like to be a girl. As discussed in the movie "Clerks", making a male orgasm is no big feat, however, causing a woman to reach orgasm -- therein lies talent. As vulgar as the Donger may be, it is never, and I repeat, NEVER socially acceptable to blow your load in a woman's face, with the one exception being that you are a porn star. Now, if you're out camping with a group of guys and one of them passes out earlier than the others from too much booze, by all means, "potato" (or nut up) on him and take pictures. Don't forget to submit them here so we can post the photos online.

P:  It is socially acceptable, Morally Wrong. The girl needs to be aware of it to be morally right. I suggest you wake her up right before the load deploys and then shoot it in both eyes to blind her and then her hair, nose, ears, mouth, back of the neck and back of the knees. If you can accomplish this...I'll declare you've just committed a [you-know-what]. What type of complete and utter bitch will let you get her off and then not get you off? This must be hypothetical. A good man gets the girl of and gets himself off, too. If he has to resort to internet porn and a spank session...he is justified.

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The JMan is back, and wants to know if you can really blame anything on the rain:

51.  I heard my radio station weatherman say this morning: "Today we have an 80% chance of rain and with a high in the mid 90's. Current conditions are 85 degrees with mild rain and localized heavy downpour." (or something to that effect) Now, I may be no Phatman, but if it's raining, isn't the chance of rain 100%?

D:  The idiocy of this question reminds Donger of his all-time favorite video, by Matthew and Gunnar Nelson entitled "After the Rain". More notably:

"He never really loved you from the start - The only thing he ever gave you was a broken heart - Don't be afraid to lose what was never meant to be - After the rain washes away the tears - And all the pain - Only after the rain - Can you live again - I know the emptiness you feel inside - You're thinking if you break away, you'll never survive - I'm waiting as my heart beats just for you - Come on and take my hand and I'll pull you through"

...........Take my hand, Jman, and I'll pull YOU through!!!

P:  I have made this benign misjudgment in the past as well. There are TWO ways of looking at 80% chance of rain. The FIRST way is that if you roll a 100 sided dice and it comes up 80 or above it will rain. The other way of looking at it, the SECOND, is that during the course of the day 80% of the time it will be raining. Well, meteorologists use this term without further definition because they want the freedom use the FIRST and SECOND method. Everything else aside, when it is raining, the rh is 100%. In the future I'll discuss dewpoint temperature and climatic maximums and minimums.

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You want Susan on that line; you need Susan on that line! :

50.  What's the "line" between girls/guys that are friends that you should not cross?

D:  As the Supreme Court once said per obscenity, "I can't define it, but I know it when I see it," much the same can be said about the fine "line" between friends. Donger finds nothing wrong with overt sexual flirtation, but each individual has his or her limits. For instance, some of Donger's acquaintances have "Fuck Buddies" or "B.U.D.s" (Back Up Dates for office functions), and there's nothing wrong with either. Donger, personally, has only 2 real restrictions: 1) No "water sports" and 2) Nothing up the ass, please.

P:  The 'line' should exist that shows mutual respect for oneself and the other party. A F/M relationship is very tricky because most of the M always wants to bang the F. The F needs to make it very clear to the M that there is no way there will be any banging. The M will never call again after that. Therefore, this type of relationship is impossible. In the event you find an exception (0.05% of M), the line should be just like the imaginary line that exist between a hetero set of F/F or M/M friends. There is NO physical element, but could be a profound emotional element. If the M can hold on to the friendship long enough, the F will bang the M anyway because of an ethical obligation. So keep these relationships short term.

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Though Linda has been there & done that, she's thinking of being there and doing it again:

49.  Are ex's off limits for sex?  What's the warranty period on ex-sex?

D:  Simplest question to date: "AwwNaw, Hell Naw!" The person is an ex for a reason; while the sex may have been the most awesome mind-blowing experience of all time and made you walk like you got plowed through a corn field by an Asian elephant for 5 hours, Donger insists you let it go and resort back to your battery-powered friends. Remember when you were younger and the whole family went to the all-you-can-eat Shoney's buffet on Sunday night after church services (sigh...memories...) and you were stuffed yet insisted on hitting that bin of chicken wings one more time? Do you recall the excruciating cramping you experienced on the porcelain bowl later that night, as you wondered if you'd ever stop pissing out of your ass, not to mention the 5 self-rewarding courtesy flushes? Multiply that by about 20, and that's the misery you will endure with ex-sex! Of course, if your ex was Jenna Jamison or Pamela Lee, that's another story. Seriously, has anyone seen the size of that tree trunk in Tommy Lee's pants????

P:  The rule of thumb is that you can ask and you can do whatever it takes to score it. Do not complicate your life by getting ex sex while you are starting a new relationship. You can do this if you are willing to accept that both girls will leave you eventually. I suggest it at least once.

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John has a question about an answer, leading him into a downward spiral of circular reference:

48. Well, I don't know exactly how to explain all this...but I am part of a webpage where I answer questions from the public about anything (very similar to this website, which is why I came here). I got a question from a lady who wanted to know after a long night of drinking and drug abuse if I'd be able to have sex with her. We don't have any idea who each other is and no other way to communicate. I answered that I'd do it every which way but loose. My girlfriend read the Q and A and claimed that I was soliciting sex from the lady asking the Q and got quite animated over it. I explained that my answer was not to the lady asking the Q, but it was for the public. I also said the lady's Q was not to me, but it was to be posted in a public forum and answered by a demigod. Well, I want to know if there was an argument "fault" pie to eat...what percentage of the slices would I get and what percentage would my girlfriend get or anyone else...?? Did I solicit sex from the lady asking the Q?? What do i do??

D:  You did nothing wrong. If your girlfriend doesn't understand your sense of humor by now, she never will. Tell her to fuck off and help Donger form his boy band. Chicks dig rock stars, ya know!

P:  Dude, you got real problems. The fault pie is not split. Pie is 100% girlfriend. You should have nothing to feel bad about. You did not solicit sex from the lady. The web page is not reality and is a public forum. You better explain these very fundamental and important issues to your girlfriend. Reach atonement and prepare yourself for the make-up sex. It should be bountiful and of super high quality after this extreme misjudgment.

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Christie wonders if abusing drugs and alcohol can still get her what she wants:

47.  After a long night of drinking, smoking pot, & snorting cocaine, will a man still be able to get it up and satisfy me?

D:  I don't see why not?  Now pass me the Advil and let's order a pizza, I'm starving!

P:  Lord have mercy on us all....I hope so. If it was me...I'd be banging the shit out of you for 45 minutes (read below) and if you get off I'd get to the coke, pot and boozer stuff. If you didn't get off I'd ask if you have clitoral or deep vaginal orgasms and then I'd get out of my "sleep over duffel bag" either a small vibrating egg or a 10"x 2 1/2" black dildo, respectively. If that didn't work...I'd say you were one of 45% of women that suffer from inorgasmia. Probably because your uncle Buck would give you a high hard one when you were 8. Well, if you are hot now, you were hot then. After all that...I'd get to the coke, pot and boozer shit. After a long night of all that stuff, would you still find something to bitch about?  After all that, would you bend over and pull your panties down in the parking lot and let me have a quickie??  These are the more important questions.

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Robert wonders if a jungle tour is better than some smooth sailing:

46.  Landing Strip (pusstache), or completely shaven? (on a lady)

D:  Funny you bring this up, as Psycohn and Donger had a similar discussion this past weekend. Not everyone favors a well-groomed kitty apparently, as Psycohn appreciates a handsome Buckwheat look, but we'll assume they do for the sake of this inquiry. Men are total pigs and into visual stimulation, so when viewing, I believe the immoral majority likes to see porn or magazines photos where the woman is as smooth as an 11 year old boy. However, harsh reality dictates that, absent a timely waxing, the stubble that exists could make sexual relations somewhat painful. It is for that reason, that Donger believes that most men prefer the "Hitler Mustache" look, for hair that bounces and behaves.

P:  <16 I prefer shaven;  >=16 I prefer landing strip;  >60 I prefer full bush.

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Tommy has 4 for the floor...

45.  why do you never see baby pigeons?

D:  You do: they are the source of 95% of the world's Buffalo wings.

P:  Baby pigeons stay in the nest and grow quickly. They appear to be full grown in little time, but their feathers are very light colored. Their stomachs also explode if you feed them rice.

44.  do women that have fake breasts have the same perfect, firm breasts all their life? like even when they are 90? or does the firmness run out eventually?  imagine seeing a 90 year old grandma with a huge, firm rack?????

D:  It's a biological fact that men like tits, let's face it. I could go off on one of my usual tangents, but we just love big firm mammaries. Per the implants, I have heard that they need to be replaced every 10 years or so for safety reasons, but damn the naysayers! Just think how nice it would have been when we were kids to sit on grandma's lap, whiskers and all.

P:  Actually, like anything artificial you put in your body, it wears out. Those "bagels" eventually get assimilated into the breast tissue. They leak after about 5-8 years of use. Saline is harmless to the body, but if you get the 3 molar sulfuric acid implants, you may want to get those swapped out every year. A 90 year old grandmother can have a huge firm rack, but she would have to get the skin tucked in addition to the "bagels".

43.  what is the longest recorded sex session?

D:  22.75 hours by rattlesnakes. No joke! For Donger, about 45 minutes. With a woman, about 45 seconds.

P:  I will have to qualify that the time should begin once the penis breaks the plane of the vulva. In this case I think I can go for maybe 45 minutes to 1 hour. Too much longer than that I would get bored because I'd have to pull the penis back out and put it back in again...that would take another hour.

42.  why is BC gay?

D:  BC's gayness brings up the age old argument of nature vs. nurture. Was he born that way, or did he adapt to his surroundings? Donger's theory: he just likes the cock.

P:  BC doesn't identify well with women. He has experimented with women but find them difficult to deal with. He seeks the comforts of his own sex to fulfill the balance of his primal needs. The best thing for BC at this time is comfort and a 12" long and 6" thick black rubber dildo.

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Trey has a couple from the razor & spread departments:

41.  What percentage of men in the US shave their pubic region?

D:  That's a difficult question without more detail. If by "shaving" you imply any act of snipping at the pubes, I'm going to have to say about 65% of the population. Of that 65%, I'm inclined to say that 90% of those are homo/bi sexual. As Doctor Evil said, "There's nothing like a shorn Scrotum". Donger believes in "Do Unto Others", so if you don't like your woman sporting a fuzzy diaper, get rid of yours! Nothing gags the Donger more than seeing a fine ass naked woman looking like she just walked out of a 1970's porn (with all due respect to Ginger Lynn). Don't forget the baby powder to keep the irritation to a minimum.

P:  Upwards of 3%. The ages are in between 17 and 27. Also, do not count out those infected with public lice (like the DONGER!).

40.  Do you prefer jelly or syrup?

D:  I prefer syrup!!!  (see HBO interview below)

HBO: When a new prisoner comes in, how do you initiate him?

INMATE: The first thing I do is make him toss my salad

HBO: Toss your salad? What's that?

INMATE: Havin your salad tossed means havin' your asshole eatin out with jelly or syrup. I prefer syrup

(I am not making this up)

HBO: Wh-wh-why must you go through all that, sir? Why not just oral sex?

INMATE: Well, when a man's sucking your dick, he can pretend it's something else. When he's eating ass he knows it's ass.

P:  Jelly on my Thomas's English Muffins...and syrup on my Renee's muffin.

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Greg has a couple of related questions here:

39.  Who would win in a fight between Yoda and Psycohn?

D:  I would have said Psycohn prior to Episode II (Note: Spoiler ahead), but now after watching that bad boy kick some Jedi ass, much to my chagrin, I'm gonna have to go with Yoda.

P:  Neither.  That's like asking a question like who would win between The Flash and Spidey.  Neither one exists.  It could also be like asking if Racer X is Speedy's long lost brother.  Welcome to the planet of the real.

38.  When are a woman's breasts too big?

D:  Never! In defense of my female audience, a penis is too small when it's attached to YOU, ya damn sexist focker!

P:  A Woman's breasts are too large when the proportion in the eye of the beholder (or the holder) is too great. I think anything that ends in DDD is a bad thing. It will mean the bitch is a fat ass or totally made of silicone and Botox.  You tell me.  I prefer something in the 34B or 34C range.   Trust me. Titties bigger than that will hang to the bed and get scraped up on old dried cum stains on the mattress (or carpet).   For her safety and yours...choose a breast size that works well and is wearable.  Don't get too greedy.  Also, if the melons rot and they are fake...prepare for a bunch of bitching.  No man alive enjoys a bitch.

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