Ok, here you go:
The official Q&A page of Donger (D) & Phatman (P)...
(to return to the main page, click this)
June, 2002:
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
The J-Man is concerned about these things:
37. Side-by-side or over/under?
D: Gotta go side-by-side for deeper penetration.
P: Side by side in stainless is the best all around. I have one, which makes it this year's best buy.
36. Automatic or standard?
D: Automatic.
P: Standard is better. These days they even get into 6 gears + reverse. The good manufacturers are getting better. Standard.
35. Bottle or can?
D: Bottle, though some guys I know (like Grandpa Bowers) like it better "in the can".
P: Can when consuming in quantity. Bottle when consuming in quality. Tall boy when you reached nirvana. Party ball when there are three of you at nirvana. Bottle if you have a VERY loose woman from Haiti that's been around a huge block...she can use the bottle as a inanimate partner while you and all your other buddies are at nirvana and want to see something nutty.
34. Re: "Tin Cup" and par 5's, do you play it like Roy McAvoy or David Simms?
D: I am Tiger Woods.
P: David Simms. It is way easier to make birdie from 125 than par with a ball in the water. If the hole is <530 yards and there is no water or sand in front of the green....then I say green light on driver and three wood. Otherwise...driver - 3 iron - wedge...birdie.
33. Same question as #4 but after you played it like Roy McAvoy and dropped it in the drink?
D: I am still, Tiger Woods.
P: Re-tee with penalty and try again. At that point its a matter of principle. The GHIN system will max you out at double bogie any way.
32. What is the hands down best tool to own? What model, if any, is best?
D: The best tool to own is Maynard Waters, because his vocals rock! The best model right now is probably still Christie Brinkley.
P: Vise grips.
31. Is Martha Stuart guilty, lucky, or stupid?
D: Must I choose one? If so, BLAND.
P: She is strangely beautiful and very guilty. Thusly implying stupid.
30. If someone gave you a steamroller, what would you smash first?
D: Every single car in front of me on the road. Donger would start out in the left lane on I-85 and probably take out a few flatbeds full of Mexicans. Is that politically correct? Who gives a shit, we beat them in the World Cup.
P: The dog next door that shits all over my yard. If I catch any flak about that then I'd roll over the owners.
29. If you could do anything and be guaranteed to not get caught, what would it be?
D: What makes you think Donger hasn't already?! Donger would rent a steamroller and....(see above)....
P: Snipe with a browning .308 with a 14X Leopold Scope in the ghetto or any barrio.
28. What's the coolest thing you've looked at under a stereo microscope?
D: As much as it hurts to say, Donger's Donger. :(
P: At 40x, the coolest things are highly textured things like bugs and splinters in your skin that are too small to see with the naked eye but big enough to irritate the skin. Make sure the microscope has incident light with a dimmer and reflective (background) light sources.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Jeff has 5 more for us to ponder (and clearly he needs to start hosting some sort of variety show):
27. Who am I thinking of right now?
D: The Donger; naked, shaved, and lathered up in baby oil. You sick twisted bastard!!! (but I am flattered) A better question would be "Who is Donger thinking of right now?" Ironically, the same answer would have been obtained. Aside from myself, I'd have to say "CBH", yet again, naked, shaved and lathered up in baby oil.
P: The same person I'm thinking of. I can assure you that I'm just as wound up about it, too.
26. Is there any benefit to being at the gym more than 45 minutes/day?
D: Working out for more than 45 minutes a day may or may not be beneficial depending on who you are and how much stress your body can handle. For instance, my little girl is wafer thin and hitting the weights for over 45 minutes may actually do more harm than good. On the other extreme, Donger is built like a Greek God, and if he spends LESS than 45 minutes in the gym on any given day, his muscles may actually atrophy instead of get massively bigger. I defer a better answer of this question to my pal, Steak, who, too, was built in the image of Zeus:
Steak: I'll answer your question with another question: How many other people do you see working out more than 45 min/day? It's not about looking really, really good, or hearing words like "stunning features" and "chiseled abs". Working out is a way of life. It's the way I live my life. I pump it and I push it. I dig the gym. Spending time in the gym makes it socially acceptable to wear no sleeves. I mean, come on now, if you are stupid enough to spend more than 45 min pushing weights around, you must be stupid enough to go out in public with no sleeves. It is always an ego boost to hear words like "meat head" and "muscle boy". If you want to have a nickname like "Steak", the only way to do it is to work out for hours every day. So as a result, let me say this: You too can hear words like "meat head" and "muscle boy" and "steak". All it takes is 46 min/day of working out...
P: The only benefit is possibly scoring with some HB (Hardbody). The amount of time in the gym doesn't matter. Sort of like it's not the motion of the ocean - it's the size of the waves.
25. What is the best beer out there? Do you drink it?
D: Donger is a fan of Guiness and Samuel Adams products. The best beer out there, or so I hear, is a limited edition Sam Adams product called Utopias MMII™. Sam Adams Utopias MMII is the only beer (domestic or import) brewed with a fine selection of Noble hops, Hallertau Mittelfrueh, Tettnang Tettnanger, Spalt Spalter and Czech Saaz. The brew is then aged in port, scotch and cognac barrels. The brew uses 2 Row Harrington, Caramel, and Vienna Malts. The aroma offers the distinctive smell of cinnamon and vanilla with subtle hints of floral, citrus and pine. Samuel Adams Utopias MMII, the strongest beer in the world to date, has 24 percent alcohol by volume and is 48 proof. Supposedly, this stuff goes for over $100 a bottle, but if you can afford it, is worth every penny.
P: Beer consumed for quantity: Busch Light, and I drink it. Beer consumed for quality: Sam Adams Summer Ale or Bass Ale, and I drink them. Some people will swear horse-piss is better.
24. Ideal car... a sports car or truck? Why?
D: Truck because when you lose your job, your spouse, custody of your children, and your home, it's big enough to live out of.
P: A Sports car is better. It is more fun to go 0-60 mph in 6.5 seconds than having your wife or girlfriend sit right next to you on the continuous seat while you both accidentally hit your head on the gun rack when you go over a bump. Truck prices are artificially inflated. Trucks are good if you need to haul stuff. For example if you are a spot welder, you can lug around your welding machine. Or if you are a construction worker you can lug around your lunch, I suppose.
23. Do you date to find love or just get it on?
D: Is there a 3rd option? The Donger doesn't date for love since he has never been "in" love (I know, how cliche, but true nonetheless). The Donger doesn't date to get it on, because unlike most men-pigs in this world, he values the intimacy and eroticism involved in the act of love making. The Donger seldom dates, but when he does, it's for the companionship, comfort, and possible evolution of a relationship which COULD lead to love and "getting it on". The Donger also seems to like talking in 3rd person like Deion Sanders.
P: I suppose you can date and find love. Mostly, I think you can get it on and fake love. Men love the Woman they have sex with. Women have sex with the man they love. I date women to infiltrate their cliques and to destroy them.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Bobby might be able to answer his 2nd question by using his first question's technique:
22. Who Invented the Dirty Sanchez? I've heard two different explanations as to what a Dirty Sanchez is and I was wondering how you defined Dirty Sanchez.
D: The Dirty Sanchez, or "Doody Mustache" was invented by Rey Sanchez, the 2nd baseman for the Boston Red Sox. It is well known that Red Sox players and their fans and anyone from New England, literally, and figuratively, suck shit, so it's no surprise that this form of fecal play derived from such an inbred, uptight, pompous area of our United States. I could not do the appropriate description justice, so i've attached a link where (if you dare) you can watch one being given to Britney Spears: www.evildave.com/britney/sanchez/britney/
P: It was Lequata Sanchez's boyfriend that invented it..or stumbled across it. It's when you are rear ending a girl in the anterior hole and you pull your johnson out and jamb your finger in the posterior hole. When Lequata (or your ho) turns around to protest or to ask what is going on you wipe your dirty finger under her nose making a "shitstach". There are better works of art such as The Cleveland Steamer. I just prefer masturbation.
21. How do you handle a girlfriend who stops putting out?
D: If you think your girlfriend has stopped putting out, your sadly mistaken. What this translates into is that either a) she's boning someone else and/or b) she's sick of you getting drunk with your friends, coming over at 2am and poking her till she's sore and doesn't get off, followed by you passing out and snoring like a water buffalo. Donger once encountered this problem to some degree-- his female counterpart was a bump on a log and just laid there. So, Donger filled up the bathtub and suggested to his lady that they do it doggy-style on the bathroom floor next to the tub. A few minutes into it, he dunked her head into the bath, and MAN, you should have seen her come to life! Talk about your bucking hips!!!!
P: To cure a woman of sexual non-action, you should ask her for an interlude one dark and stormy night. When she declines you should walk over to the PC and look up some porno. Pull your pants down and start whacking away. You must show her that you aren't effected by her decision. If that has no effect, find a new sperm receptacle (girlfriend). If it is your wife, what did you expect?
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Kiley is looking into some fine dining:
20. How old/bald/wealthy must you be before a night at Brio is any fun?
D: That's a fargin trick question! The 3 elements you mention (age, hair and money) have NOTHING to do with enjoying yourself at Brio, but the following 3 elements do:
a) Pretty- you must be a pretty person to enjoy yourself at Brio. Pretty is defined as the enjoyment of gazing at yourself in the mirror frequently and/or being labeled as such by hip Atlanta mags, such as Jezebel. Is the Donger pretty? Click here (http://www.geocities.com/psycohn/bios.html) and see for yourself!
b) Style- you must wear black and be trendy. Even Donger finds misery in an old cottony T-shirt and boxers. He's always much happier in a starchy black button down (gold chain and chest hair exposure optional) and pressed black slacks. Don't forget the shoes-- I've seen many a stud shot down for sorry footwear. Is the Donger stylish? He wasn't voted Atlanta's Pimp of the Year for 2 consecutive years now based on the gold teeth alone!
c) Arrogance- this could THE most important trait of enjoying an evening at Brio. You MUST (I can't stress this enough) think and act like you are "THE shit!" No one is good enough to look at, never mind talk, to you. Donger can't enjoy Brio because, though pretty and stylish, he lacks the requisite arrogance to sit and sneer at everyone.
Where does Donger have fun, you ask? Why, the Tin Roof Cantina of course! Check it out in either Atlanta or Nashville.
P: Brio, from what i know, can be typified as a trendy spot. The only way to answer your question is to say you have to be trendily old/trendily bald/and have faux wealth. The truly wealthy do not waste their time at such places. They are the Gordon Geckos of the world. Gordon Gecko wouldn't be caught dead at a place like that...Budd Fox is another story. I hope my answer was just a enigmatic as your well thought out question.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Ginger just wants to set the record straight:
19. What came first? The chicken or the egg?
D: Eggzellent question, Ginger! (Donger enjoys being cheezy at times, mind you.) Donger has lived many lives: he was Mark Anthony who seduced Cleopatra, he was William Shakespeare who wrote romantic sonnets. Yet, oddly enough, in his first life, he was the first jizzmopper! A chicken and an egg were placed in a room with dim lighting, shag carpet and a waterbed. I still don't know WHO came first, but, man, it was a bitch cleaning that place!
P: There is no answer. That is a question that has a head eating its own tail. It is also known as circular logic. Next question, pleazzze.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Jason thinks that being more buff can get him more muff:
18. Is it bad to workout the same muscles back2back days?
D: A bad fictitious rumor. Donger enjoys working out his groinacles and penacles as often and frequently as possible. They are huge, and there have been no complaints to date! (wink wink)
P: It is horrible to. I went to the beach with a fella that was like #5 in the Mr. USA contest. He said almost everyone overtrained. He suggested working the same muscle once a week. Proper nutrition is also important...but that's just me talking about being buffed out to the max.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
R vitz Samson questions my meaning in life (I question why he still sleeps with his mother):
17. Why are there 3 bios on the page that is specifically designated to explain the persons of 2 persons, namely, donger and phatman? More to the point, what is that loser psycohn doing there?
D: Psycohn is the "web master(bater)", meaning after a question is asked and answered, he has the thankless task of posting everything on the website and keeping it up and running. What's in it for him? Well, the kid hasn't had sex with a live human woman in 6 years despite the millions of "hot" girls that he allegedly lays each week, so he figures by boasting a website (clearly exploiting the talents of Donger and Phatman), he has a chance to get some without committing any criminal acts of moral turpitude.
P: He does the very insightful question intros and he keeps the page. I just can't wait to see what your question intro will look like.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Matt needs some movie improvement:
16. What are the 5 greatest films ever?
D: 5- "Hell Comes to Frogtown" (1987) Rowdy Roddy Pipper stars as Sam Hell. The human race is in danger of extinction due to infertility and Hell has to rescue of a group of fertile women from the harem of the mutant frog-man leader. Hell cannot escape since he has a bomb attached to his dick which will detonate if he strays more than a few hundred yards from his guard. Of special interest is the "Dance of the 3 Snakes".
4- "Billy Madison" (1995)- Adam Sandler plays the slacker son of a millionaire hotel owner, who will pass off his fortune to his undeserving son if he repeats grades 1-12 and passes "on his own this time".
3- "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" (1971)- a "kids" movie that focuses on such relevant issues as dwarfism, obesity, burping, farting, incest, drug induced amusement park rides, and money.
2- "Se7en" (1995)- Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman hunt a serial killer who's victims are predicated upon the seven deadly sins. This unorthodox ending defies the typical Hollywood screenplay.
1- "Casablanca" (1942)- Humphrey Bogart stars in, hands down, the greatest movie of all time!
P: 5. "Black Dicks in White Chicks"
4. "Crouching Tiger; Hidden Dragon"
1. "The Matrix"
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Steve is trying to save some $ in all the wrong ways:
15. If you could pick only one day a week to apply deodorant, which day would it be and why? I'm trying to save some money...
D: According to the Tennessee Department of Health "No matter how thoroughly or frequently you bathe or shower, for some individuals bathing alone won't prevent perspiration or it's odor. As an added protective measure, you should also use a deodorant or antiperspirant regularly. " (http://www.state.tn.us/health/kids/grooming.html) Donger finds that this is true no matter how backwards ass the state of Tennessee is, and how stinky it's citizens (both past and present) are. However, if forced to chose one day, I'd have to go with Friday. The odds of you getting laid is best on Friday night, and all those shallow women out there actually have the audacity to judge men by their looks and hygiene. Another reason: the chances of you sleeping in bed all day with a hangover are most likely to occur on Saturdays and Sundays, and it's enough you're going to smell like puke, seminal fluid, and other niceties, at least the pungent odor of pit pulp won't exacerbate the experience.
P: Single: Friday, smell good for the ladies at the smoky bar. Make sure you liberally apply it to the genitalia...careful though.
Dating: Friday, she will want to have naked TV night or something and you better be ready.
Married: Monday, you just want to have coworkers appreciate you...your wife is too used to you so it doesn't matter.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Trey's buddy is MIA:
14. Is there any way to get through to your buddy who used to go out and party all the time, but he started dating a girl named Michelle, and you never see him unless she is out of town?
D: Ah... sorry Trey, but it seems your buddy is visiting Whippedville, where you spend your weekends shopping at the mall for plastic plants, drapes and (gulp!) women's shoes while your buddies are out getting drunk and Potatoing the midwest. Cut your losses and get a new friend.
P: You better be careful. Once a NON-player is smitten with a girl, you cannot interrupt the process. That NON-player will think you are infringing on his civil right to get a hold of a TYM (Tender Young Morsel). I advise that you must not interfere...just like the naturalists when they see the baby crocks nest being raided by a scavenger bird. They could shoo the birds away, but that would just like telling your buddy that the girl is a tramp (and I hear she is).
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Jake shouldn't be thinking this:
13. Why does pooh smell?
D: God's way of making sure we NEVER EVER even THINK about eating it!
P: There are two reasons really. One is the bacteria that breaks down food in your belly. The other reason is that you are SMELLING it.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Frankie has a religious question:
12. On the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashana, who is supposed to blow the shofar?
D: Never mind that, who the HELL is going to drive the limousine!?!?
P: The hostess. That's just pretty much universal in any culture in any place at any time. The hostess blows the honored guest...no matter what.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Jen is trying to become a new-wave cook:
11. Can you make pancakes on the Foreman Grill?
D: Great question, Jen! Next time we shack up, I'll have you cook me some pancakes and find out, instead of making me those crappy French crepes. :)
P: Yes. You'll need a deck of cards or some other method for righting the grill. You DO NOT want batter to run out of the hole that is for fat dripping out. You do not want batter running out of any hole for that matter.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Joy has has too much time on her hands:
10. Where have you both had the best sex of your life? And why?
D: Phatman and I have not yet consumated our love.
P: Definitely in the vagina. If you meant along the lines of the Newlywed Game famous answer...but if you meant the location...it's the bed. Other places it can get a bit sporty. When its too sporty...it's an athletic event and then the fight cues go off in the male body...so you'll never see an athlete in competition with a woody. So, its good to keep things where a guy can just pay attention to the matter at hand. You'll also never catch a fellow loving himself while he jogs or runs. He may hold his breath for some auto-erotic asphyxia once in a while, but that's just erotic stuff.
9. A diagonal in a convex polygon is a line joining two non-adjacent vertices. Take an n-sided polygon and draw all possible diagonals. Suppose that no three diagonals ever intersect at a common point. How many crossings are there in the interior of the polygon? Below is a sketch of the situation for a pentagon and a hexagon where the number of crossings, c, is five and fifteen, respectively (she included a picture that I can't copy, for some reason).
D: Come on dude, simple: I'd copy off the shithead who sits next to me just like I did in high school and get an A.
P: How many crossings are there in the interior of the polygon? Is this the question?? Since you don't even say how many sides i assume you want an equation for n sides. Well, ill let you derive the equation from the following pentatope numbers...c=1, 5, 15, 35, 70, 126, 210 for n= 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Well...the equation is 1/24(n*n-1*n-2*n-3).
8. Using the ideal gas law, find out the mass of the air in a room 3.00m by 4.00m by 5.00m given that the temperature is 20 degrees Celsius at atmospheric pressure (1atm = 101000 Pa)?
D: There is an error with the question, as phrased. The ideal gas law is "Thou shalt not fart unless there are others in the room to enjoy the smell". That said, the mass of the air would depend entirely upon what was in my stomach prior to the changes in "pressure".
P: I say about 156.8 pounds-mass. Using the metric system in the US is sort of like using an 8 cylinder car to get around Europe. You can do it, but it's encumbersome. Also, I assumed that there was zero water vapor in the air. I assumed PURE DEAD AIR.
7. What are symptoms of Trichomoniasis?
D: Symptoms of Trichomoniasis include loose stools, vaginal discharge, migraine headaches, shortness of breath, and sending questions to people asking what the symptoms of Trichomoniasis are.
P: You may experience some general malaise. I've heard of cases with acute and chronic pains. Headache and mild dementia can take hold. If worms or excessive dark red blood appears in your stool sample...send it to me (also seek medical help).
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Paul is worried about his debt:
6. Are you sayin' you ain't gonna pay?
D: I never make any promises that I don't keep!
P: I'm sayin that I'll pay when you get the radiator fixed right the FIRST time. DIE, Commie, DIE! Rat-a-tat-tat.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
Bob wants some Koshar action:
5. How do I hook up with one of those nice Miami or New York Jewish princesses?
D: A chloroform soaked scarf, thick rope, and a sledgehammer... I know who you are, and it just ain't happenin! Your nose (and wallet) aren't big enough to satiate my fellow M.O.T.s. Donger, on the other hand, has his Jewish Membership Card tucked neatly in his wallet (he was Bar Mitzvahed!!) like a teenager with a condom. No offense ladies, but ya ain't missing anything, B. Those sexy J.A.P.s are like a Monet: good from afar, but a real mess when you get closeup.
P: You need to get to Miami or New York and wear a beenie on your head. I'd gather up some courage with a bottle of Manazevitz Wine...or try some Mhatzah balls...eat the whole animal if you prefer. After all that...just go out on the town and flash a lot of money. Those types are so transparent....they will find you. Primarily they reside in Miami and New York City. Don't use words like "aint" or other southern language mistakes.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
The first 4 ?'s come from Jeff:
4. Where did the word "phat" come from?
D: In downtown Brooklyn in the late 1980's, Donger and his gang used to cat-call chicks and label the more attractive ones "Pretty Hot And Tasty". The acronym has since become a worldwide phenomena.
P: It came from an east coast ghetto. I think the word is a relative of our word, "fat". They old school word was "fly"...but replaced in the early 90's to "phat". "Fly" is still used today by guys like Eminem and The Beastie Boys.
3. Why is professional baseball so damn boring to watch?
D: Baseball was actually the brainchild of Miller Brewing, Inc. After going nearly bankrupt because their product tastes like ass, the Board of Directors invented a game where fans would sit outside and sweat their ass off, and the only option for alcohol would be an MGD, which next to urine, could be the most vile tasting liquid (or so I hear, i'd NEVER actually drink an MGD!) Drunk fans paid no attention to the game, nor did their kids-- everyone got drunk on shit beer and passed out. Our ancestors passed on this genetic impulse of being tired or light-headed when viewing baseball.
P: Its all just a bunch of guys. Its a bunch of guys playing a sport nobody can relate to. The game takes way too long. By any comparison, the duration of a baseball game is too long. Other sports that can be boring to watch...pro soccer, golf, and any sport with women athletes.
2. How do I pick a good humidor?
D: Picking out a good humidor is as tricky as ordering a Russian MailOrder Bride! You go on Ebay, look up humidors, find one where the bidding ends in under 5 minutes, and keep on outbidding some pompous Wall Street jackass who, for 15 days, thought his bid for $500 would be the highest, only to drive up the price another $2,000, and the jerkoff ON PRINCIPLE won't lose out on. Make sure the seller is ASKDONGER.
P: I assume you are asking about cigars or really any tobacco product.
If you are talking about storage of bacon or spooge lube for a goo tube...then id just say room temperature.
The best combinations for dry bulb temperature and relative humidity are as follows:
71F @ 68 rh
70F @ 70 rh
69F @ 72 rh
68F @ 75 rh
67F @ 78 rh
66F @ 80 rh
The best humidors provide mechanical cooling with a dessicant air drying method. A cedar box with a silica pack in it is not acceptable.
1. I need a toy for my kid, what should I get him?
D: The best toy to get for a child is one that is economical, readily available, and can be enjoyed while teaching a valuable lesson and expanding the creative mind's horizons: dry cleaning plastic bags!!!
P: Boys get Legos. Girls get dolls.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
(to return to the main page, click this)