09.19.01- 1- Nixon was loved long time

In light of curiosity, it is my duty to inform you of the recent discoveries of the night of the 18th of September, 2001. While I was on a drunken blotto with good, good friends, I stumbled onto a box in the Woodhull cemetary, to find that as it was raining, the documents that lay within the box contained evidence of former president Richard Nixon and actions that have never been found during his controversial presidency. From reading them all in homeroom, I discovered that under receipts in brothels and escort services written in Chinese, that Richard Nixon apparently had sexual relations with approximately 1,512 women of Oriental descent from the periods of July 7, 1972 to July 10, 1972. This was during a top-secret trip/excursion to the land of a lot of people to meet with top advisors over a secret implement in farm technology that would track the progress of DDT, potentially killing over 5,010 farmers. There is no question, however, that the most important issue I found to write about was about the Chinese whores.

I was determined to scratch the surface of this even deeper. I got on the phone (of the phone numbers I found on the Internet) and interviewed two advisors who escorted (but not in THAT way) President Nixon during his eventful trip to China: Tom Alexandria, who dealt with foreign minstries, and Peter Lopez, the only hispanic advisor the president ever had, and who was responsible for tallying the number of women that he had sexual relations with. I asked both what the typical age of these girls were. They both replied with the same answer: "Very, very, very young."

As Peter Lopez stated, "During one night, Nixon was very stressed about the farm implement, and he had each girl in a line. One girl said in Chinese that she was 15. She looked like she was 11." Tom Alexandria informed me, "..yeah.. he had stamina."

No one was sure, apparently, as to why Nixon all of a sudden had such an insatiable drive to quench his nearly unequivocal amount of sexual desire. Such rumors of this had been circulating since his death, but nothing concrete was ever found until yesterday by myself. The rumors weren't even really that popular, as it seemed completely impossible considering what people had believed to be hindered by his severe impotency ever since the bombing of Cambodia.

I attempted to contact other members of his cabinet, such as the much-beloved Henry Kissinger. He wanted no matter of it, as I had actually talked on the phone with him. He gave this statement:

"I have no article to discuss this matter. I find these allegations to be completely existential to the legacy of such a vulnerable man. It's biologically impossible to let 500 nuts off in one night."

Having heard such a respectable person's opinion, I decided to find out more about how it was truly possible to have sex with 500 women in one night. After a couple hours of research and phone calls to certain undisclosed people, I actually found out that with an operation, it is, in fact, possible. The procedure was created in 1957 by a French doctor to accelerate the procreation of the animals in his goat farm. It is an operation that takes about 6 hours if conducted properly. The procedure is of an implant where a large sac of donated sperm is plugged into the vas deferens of the penis. This sac is in most cases, as large as a common plastic grocery bag.

The question I had to find out for myself was whether or not it was feasible to perform this temporary operation in China in the early 1970's. I had hypothesized that it could have been done in Air Force One, where the surgeon and resources were on board initially.

This sort of thing, as in the possibility of being able to have sex with so many women, hasn't been described or talked about since biblical times. This recent breakout of news may trigger more people who are alive to reflect on this possibility, and perform the act of sex with hundreds of women. This may be a dangerous turn of events, as the world population in unindustrialized nations is at a peak in the first place. This may be dangerous. The bottom line, however, is that Nixon wasn't really that much of a loser.

-Travis Austin