maybe someone will actually read it, though I doubt it
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070800,1040pmCST-I'm arguing with some guy on IRC for no reason. I worked for 12.5 hours today. That's one half hour short of how long I worked the last two weeks, and it's only the first day I worked this week. I've had a lot of trouble going to sleep lately. I'm pretty sure I'm losing 2 of my friends. All of a sudden my friend liz started being a real bitch to me. I still haven't figured out why...although she was always a bitch, but never this bad. I know it's not PMS because she's had that for quite a while before this started happening. I've begun to crave cyberspace. A direct neural connection to the virtual world; an escape from this terrible place. I suggest anyone reading this go read Neuromancer by William Gibson. You might understand what I'm talking about more clearly. I've been feeling very unstable lately. For instance I was sitting in the car parked after I got home from work and I was listening to music and started drumming on my steering wheel and all of a sudden started punching it as hard as I could. Then I got out of the car and slammed the door. I really hate myself.
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100100,11:21pmCST-I'm pretty sure my mind is going. I have trouble remembering what I've done just minutes ago. Life is teasing me and my lonliness. I finally found a girl that I become happy around, and there isn't really a chance. She has strange parents...they won't let her go anywhere or talk on the phone with a guy. So how could I possibly date her? But I love being with her...I might even love her. When we're together we never stop touching each other. I put my arms around her, lean on her shoulder, she leans on me. I love it...but it sucks because I know it's not going anywhere...I don't like saying that because I don't want it to be true. I kicked through the wall in the bathroom yesterday. It was easier than I thought it would be. I told my mom I fell into it and my knee went through. She has no idea about my depression. I gave up on writing my C++ program for creating a text-based interactive world for myself. I want to take my laptop to school but it's too heavy I think. I'd just spend the whole day bitching about it. This dude online taught me how to pass myself out. It's the most amazing feeling ever. I haven't been doing my homework as well as I should be...I'm afraid of getting my report card. I'm afraid of getting yelled at by my mom about it. I'm afraid of not living up to everyone's expectations, even though I don't really care about their expectations, that's really all there are. Expectations. And they're driving me nuts.
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041901,10:45pmCST-In response to the beginning of the last entry, yeah my mind is going. I'm going completely insane. I have ended up "going out" with that girl for 5 months now. Outside of school, I have seen her for approximately 5 minutes. That 215,995/216,000 minutes, if I calculated right. Is that ridiculous or what? And I found out today that SHE wants to dump ME. Can you believe it? Even when I DON'T see her all that often, I'm still falling in love with her, and she wants to dump me. Fucking story of my god damn life. Right I know we are going to different colleges, but I'm in love with her. I'm sure it won't make a difference anyway.
My insanity relates to my constant fantasizing about stuff. (portions of the journal were removed from this space) I've also got a jacket fetish. I'm in love with nylon jackets and the girls that wear them. I started a list of them...I could probably name 100 girls I've seen who have a jacket that I like. I like to suffocate myself with jackets. I am a sick person. And I am insane.
Lately I've been really getting into Ween, an awesome musical group. I've got four of their cds (godWEENsatan, the pod, pure guava, and chocolate and cheese) out of a total of like 7. It's good music.
I dunno if I can take breaking up with this girl...It might push me over the deep end. I'm teetering on the edge as it is.
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042201,09:14pmCST-I just today realized that I think everyone is lying to me. That everything everyone says is not really what they mean at all. Yet I continue to get more and more open with the people I know. I guess I'm pretty paranoid, but it might be founded. Except this guy alex. He's used to go to my school but moved to another school district. I still talk to him a lot though and see him on weekends. Eh I'm tired of writing... I'm tired of everything.
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042301,10:30pmCST-I'm getting sick. I knew it would happen eventually. I smoke, after all. I haven't been eating too well lately. I've been under plenty of stress from the world and myself. I work at an ice arena. It was bound to happen. My throat hurts, my nose is running, and my head hurts. God damnit to fucking hell I don't need this right now. On top of it all I'm sick of myself.
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042401,12:18pmCST-I'm writing in physics class now. We had some senior meetings bullshit today. I say next to my girlfriend for a good part of it and can tell by the way she reacts to me that she is not feeling the same about me as she used to. Maybe I'll lean on her or something and she might pull away a little. She touches other people more than she touches me. I think that hurts me the most. Practically every guy in the school likes her and she treats them better than me. That makes me feel so incredibly like a piece of shit. I'm still sick today. Of course not sick enough to stay home.
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