I had this dream last night, I was at school (how stupid is that?), in the atrium. The atrium is this big room with a high ceiling and a wrap-around balcony, with a bunch of biggish classrooms off to one side. In the big block of the center there's green carpet, and tables here and there. They use this room a lot for functions and stuff, this being a private school.
I guess that this was one of those times. I was in there, it was a party or something else like one. Everyone in the high school was there, and so were some of the kids who had graduated last year. There was a smattering of parents dotted around the room at various locations, keeping an eye on the food table or whatever else parents do. I had just walked in. I was looking around for any of my friends, or some food, or something to keep myself occupied. If you're alone in a place where there's a lot of people, it's always a good idea to pretend that you're looking for someone. That way you don't look like such a loner and a loser. Most of the time I don't care about how people see me, but this was different. There were people here that I couldn't bear to make a fool of myself in front of. I was looking for my security blanket.
My eyes were darting around the not-so well lit atrium, searching for someone to talk to. Then I found what I was looking for... sort of. Actually, what I saw took me by surprise. She was a girl sitting at one of the tables, who should have been about 400 miles away at college. My surprise stopped me dead in my tracks. Yeah, ok, I like the girl. As a matter of fact, I like her too much, she's almost become a plague on my mind and heart. So naturally, I thought I was hallucinating. Heh, it was a dream, so I guess I was in a way. Either way, I kicked myself mentally for being such a dumbass. Then I walked over to say hi. What followed almost turned the dream into a nightmare.
The conversation itself remains fuzzy in my memory; I'm left with bits and pieces to assemble in some type of order. I remember asking her: "How'd you get here? Isn't your spring break over?" I don't remember what she said about spring break, but she responded: "How could I have gotten here?" I said she could have either driven or flew in, or whatever, but that didn't matter. She sounded sarcastic. She was supposed to be my friend! She seemed unimpressed, and somewhat dismissive, which isn't like her at all. Then I asked her something about why she was back at school, or something equally idiotic. I don't remember what she said, but I do remember walking away and feeling like shit. I wanted to cut, but since I've been trying to stop, I didn't. I might have, but I couldn't find anything to cut with. I just walked around, thinking to myself how stupid I was for trying to talk to her in the first place. I just wanted out, and I knew I could get out by cutting. I ran for the bathroom, where I'd at least have a stall to myself without this huge crowd closing in on me. As I was going, I looked back over my shoulder. Everyone was trying to follow me. I took off. They took off. I sprinted to the bathroom as fast as my mind could allow; my sanity was growing thin. It took all the strength I had not to scream. My surroundings started to shimmer and blur. I got to the bathroom and locked myself in the stall. I just stared at the wall, the crowd outside growing. They started pounding on the stall door.
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I woke up, fearful that I hadn't dreamt but remembered. I looked at the clock. 6:20. I went back to sleep, but remained troubled by the dream. I wrote about it now, in school, because I thought writing might relieve some of the anxiety. I'll have to see if I was right. Probably not.
