1 june 2005

* * *,

“we can’t be friends anymore…”

i’ve pictured myself saying this to you so many, many times that i could practically see the whole scenario taking place – everything, down to the last detail.

it would make things easier, right? for me to just detach myself from you. that’s why i haven’t been going out with you guys lately. or haven’t you noticed? because things have started to become painful. you keep telling me to deal with it, with whatever’s bothering me. well i’ve got news for you, hun. you are what i haven’t been dealing with. what i can’t deal with. at least not for the moment. or maybe even not ever. that thing with whats-his-face? that’s all been reduced to b.s. now. he’s there when i want him…or when i need comforting… like when i just want to FORGET about you and detach myself from the whole situation. and for the record, it feels sooo good.

on a lighter note, let me just say, that honestly, i can’t put my finger on it – if you’re really dense or you think playing dumb’s cute.

but at the end of the day, it all still gets to me. why i've fallen for you with all your little imperfections and quirks. why i've fallen for you when you're so far from my stereotyped "kind of guy." why i'm still feeling this way despite my knowing what you've been reduced to. why i could never find it in myself to box up these feelings and put them away for good, just so it wouldn't hurt anymore. and sometimes, it feels like it’s just a matter of time before i totally break down in front of you. and of course, sweet guy that you are, you’ll comfort me, make me feel better and not take advantage of my vulnerability. and you’ll do it all while keeping me at arm’s length.

maybe one day, i’d have the nerve tell you, “we can’t be friends anymore.” so it would stop hurting. because it's always easier to be indifferent, to be detached. to not have a care in the world about you. but of course, if that happens, i might as well just tell you why. and who knows…miracles do happen…

always,

psychodarlingangel