January 1st through February 15th.
MAY PREDICTIONS
Ignore expiration dates on the dairy products in your refrigerator, as they are all still good. Pay special attention to and heed all warnings from McGruff the Crime Dog. You will be offered a new job this month...talk the Boss into increasing the offered salary by 26% and then tell her to give you two weeks to think about it. Only take 11 days...call her back and say "No Thanks." Then, change your mind three days later. You will also be propositioned by a Syphillis. Stay away at all costs.
TOP OF PAGE
February 16th through March 31st
MAY PREDICTIONS
You will be tempted to play golf this month...don't give in to temptation. If you play, you will be on the 7th hole (a 185-yard par-3) when a bird will poop on your new shirt. Buy 'Dark Side of the Moon' by Pink Floyd on CD (as you've really wanted it for some time (c'mon admit it!) and make sure you pay by credit card. The clerk at the record store will recognize your name and re-introduce you to a long lost friend. When you go to Wendy's for lunch, avoid the chili. Also, your paycheck will be for $30 more this month...don't say anything. This mistake will not be caught by payroll. You will be propositioned by a Syphillis. Stay away at all costs.
TOP OF PAGE
April 1st through May 15th
MAY PREDICTIONS
One day this month there will 8 messages on your answering machine. One of them will be from a co-worker asking you if you would like to join them for drinks. Call back and accept this offer...be sure to wear that green shirt. The bartender will compliment you on it and the two of you will end up driving to Atlantic City for 3 fabulous days of blackjack and slots. When you finally return to work, your boss will be pissed but he will lighten-up and laugh heartily when you tell him of your adventures. Bring an umbrella with you on Wednesday the 10th. Also make sure you put 89 octane gas in your car this month as the gas station tank holding the 87 octane will be contaminated by a water leak. You will be propositioned by a Syphillis this month. Stay away at all costs.
TOP OF PAGE
May 16th through June 31st
MAY PREDICTIONS
You will meet someone who will wish to know what color car you have. They will likely try to sell you a used Mazda Miata. Don't buy it. It will have a blown head gasket that would cost you several hundred dollars to get fixed. Also, you will lose your favorite sweater. Don't worry, you will find it behind the cushions of the couch. A friend will give you some chocolate covered cherries. Don't over do it. Eat no more than three per sitting. Also, you will buy a new brand of bubble bath but it will leave your skin dry and itchy. Use moisturizer right away. Go ahead and read Howard Stern's 'Miss America.' You will find it surprisingly funny. Don't eat the leftover chicken in the refrigerator.
TOP OF PAGE
July 1st through August 15th
MAY PREDICTIONS
People seem to be avoiding you like the plague. You may want to think about changing underarm deoderant. Lying about your birthday might help early on in relationships as well. You are likely to find an affinity for cucumbers and neopolitan ice cream, but don't eat them together. This month you will think about buying a baseball glove though you have not played in years, and have no immediate plans to do so. You will shop for a glove. Do not buy one unless you find a quality mit under $24.99.
TOP OF PAGE
August 16th through September 31st
MAY PREDICTIONS
This is your month for giving to charity. You will clean out your closets and donate things to goodwill or the local rescue mission. Also, you will be driving in your car, making a right-hand turn when one of your hubcaps will roll off. You will not see it again. Try to spend at least a few minutes dancing in the bedroom wearing nothing but your underwear to Right Said Fred's...I'm Too Sexy... it will give you the confidence you need to confront that jerk at the office who keeps flicking bugars at you. If you smile at strangers on the street, one may ask you for your phone number. However, this person will turn out to be a loser. Avoid Syphillis at all costs.
TOP OF PAGE
October 1st through November 15th
MAY PREDICTIONS
You will attempt to be every bit as cool as Lenny Kravitz. However, everything you try will be severely mocked by all. This is a sign that you are way out of your league. Stick with in your limitations. You will watch the NBA playoffs this month and realize, if you have not already, that you dislike Malone and the Jazz intensely. You watch their games, fiercely rooting for the opposition. You will even find yourself beginning to dislike your own mailman. You will begin exercising this month for the first time in a long time. This will likely make you very sore. Stay away from Tigerbalm it is way too hot for you. Speaking of hot, your love life is heating up stoke the fire until it is almost as hot as the tigerbalm.
TOP OF PAGE
November 16 through December 31st
MAY PREDICTIONS
This month will be full of surprises. One of these will involve a canine and another will involve a hula hoop, or at least something circular. You will sneak up on somebody for fun, scare them and then promptly receive a swat in the the face or a punch in the stomach. Either way you become angry with the person and don't talk to them the rest of the day. Traffic is likely to be a problem for you this month, ride public transportation if possible. Cereal would be a good idea for breakfast. You should consider other breakfast foods for dinner. If you have pancakes you will run out of syrup. You will go to the store and consider buying the generic brand. Don't do this. You will be sorry. Just as there is no substitute for Porshe, there is no substitute for Mrs. Buttersworth. Let yourself wear less clothing this month, especially around the house. It will be a freeing experience.
TOP OF PAGE