Heavan has nothing to do with pearly gates or angel wings. There's no gate keeper with a list of all the goodie-goodies and jerks in the world. I think St. Peter and Santa work together, or maybe they're the same person. This would explain what Santa does all the other days of the year while his elf slaves make Game Cubes and Barbies for today's picky, spoiled brats. Santa's sitting up in heaven looking over his good/bad list for old people. So if you're planning on dying try not to do it on Christmas, the line must be enourmous. On the other hand, if you have a slightly dubious record, and want to avoid going to hell, the day after Christmas is a good time to die, because you might get to slip in unnoticed with the masses.
At least this is how it would be if the ideolistic heaven and Santa existed, which they don't. Heaven is really kept clear of "unworthy" people by demons and devils which do exist (If you don't believe me, you obviously have never heard of Bill O'Reilly). The devils sit around the outskitrs of heaven waiting for all the numbskulls who think "St. Peter" will let them into heaven because they massacred people in the name of Jesus ("Thou shalt not kill?" "Turn the other cheek?" What idiot said that?), but when these "people" get there, all they find is Bill O'Reilly with a pitch fork and a burlap sack ready to pack them off to eternal damnation in a pit of pissy fourteen year olds (if you are fourteen, and you disagree with this statement don't tell me, you'll just be proving my point).
Back to my enlightened vision of heaven: Blooper reels. When you get past Bill O'Reilly, you see a massive TV, and a video of all the stupid/hilarious/awesome things you did in life. Also things that weren't funny when they happened, but are now that you're dead will be on there. If you don't get the picture, I'll give you a few examples. Once my friend Dan caught a pecil thrown at him from across the room in a pair of vice grips. Awesome. That's going on his blooper reel. On the other side of the spectrum will be the time I was going to show my new swimming shorts to some girl I had a crush on (I think I was about 11). I was wearing the shorts under my pants, and when I tried to pull my pants down to show her, I accidently pulled down the shorts too. Horrible then, hilarious now. All these things will be on those blooper tapes. After spending a few months laughing at yourself, you'll get bored and swap tapes with friends and famous people. I'd love to see Gandhi's.
Have a nice eternity.
by Timothy Schneider
11-6-04, 4:07 pm
room 407, Ondine