PART 9: Trickery and Deceit
[Enter the party in the town of Corneria]
ROSE: So how much gold do we have now?
PSIKO: Well, we are up to exactly 830 gold.
ROSE: No way, how�s we get so much already?
PSIKO: Well, about a third of it came from the random battles, a third from my charismatic charms to woo women, and a third from the bet.
SPEK: I still can�t believe some sucker took that bet.
PSIKO: Yeah, thank god Tracer is such a moron.
TRACER: Huh? I�m more on what?
SPEK: I see what you mean, but still, anyone who will bet 300 gold against Tracer�s intelligence level has to be crazy. Just look at him.
TRACER: (Talking to a wall) �so if you think about it, the meaning of life really IS swords.
PSIKO: Touch�, my good man. Well then, shall we go spell shopping?
ROSE: Yes, I need more spells. I still have to buy HARM and RUSE.
SPEK: YOU need more? Ha! You are the only one with spells so far.
ROSE: Well, I AM the White Mage of the group. You NEED my magic.
SPEK: Whatever, let�s just go buy the magic. Come on Tracer.
TRACER: (Still talking to the wall) �so I said to him, �That gives me an idea. Sword-rangs, yo!�
SPEK: Never mind, let�s just go.
[Exeunt all but Tracer]
TRACER: (Talking to the wall, yet again) And so the journey begins, the four warriors of light who are destined to defeat Chaos and restore the world to peace. To vanquish monsters, from the lowliest of imps to the mighty WarMech, they shall overcome many obstacles along the way. Where shall their quest lead them? Will they succeed in saving the world, or perish under the power of evil? Will they find shiny new swords in the depths of the fiends� lairs? Only time will tell. Hark, if one does listen closely, they might hear the sounds of the planet crying out in distress. [Tracer�s stomach grumbles] Alas, she cries out in pain, calling forth the Light Warriors, the four who carry the deadened orbs, with hopes of making them someday shine again. [Enter Spek, Rose, and Psiko] The fate of all rests within their hands�
SPEK: What on earth are you talking about now?
TRACER: Huh? Was I talking?
SPEK: Yes, you were talking to that wall.
TRACER: Was I? I don�t remember what I said.
SPEK: And once again, Tracer reinforces his stupidity.
PSIKO: Yeah, I agree. Does he ever say anything intelligent? Well, let�s go get some rest before we head out, so that I can memorize my FIRE, LIT, and CURE spells.
SPEK: Yes, I feel so much better now that I have some spells now, even if they are simply LIT, FIRE, and SLEEP.
ROSE: Alright, let�s go rest at the inn.
[The party enters the inn. An old innkeeper stands behind the counter]
KEEPER: Welcome, would you all like a room? It is 30 gold per night.
PSIKO: By Shakar�s Sword of Giant Slaying! 30 gold a night! That is steep!
TRACER: I like swords.
KEEPER: Well, it is 10 gold per person, but the fourth is free. Would you rather I charge you 40 gold?
PSIKO: By all means, do not charge us any more, my good innkeeper. Thirty gold it is. [Hands the innkeeper the gold and the party enters separate rooms and each falls asleep, dreaming�]
Rose�s Dream:
[Enter Rose and an old White Mage]
ROSE: I am stuck on this adventure to save the world, and I am getting hit on repeatedly by this repulsive little Black Mage. What should I do?
WMAGE: Have you tried the tactic of saying you don�t like him?
ROSE: Yes, that did not work.
WMAGE: How about ignoring him?
ROSE: That did not work either.
WMAGE: The ancient art of smashing him into a wall with your hammer?
ROSE: Even that failed.
WMAGE: That is incredible! I must say, he is persistent.
ROSE: But he is so�hideous looking.
WMAGE: You are a White Mage, you should not lower yourself to passing judgement on someone based solely on looks. I think you should give him a chance.
ROSE: �
WMAGE: You really should. It is the right thing to do.
ROSE: �
WMAGE: Why shouldn�t you?
ROSE: He is so�so�ugly. Wait, I know! I shouldn�t because he is evil.
WMAGE: Well then, that changes everything. In that case, you have only two options.
ROSE: And what might those be?
WMAGE: You can either tolerate him.
ROSE: Yeah right, like that will ever happen.
WMAGE: Or you can kill him.
ROSE: Alright, kill him it is!
WMAGE: You are a White Mage, remember?
ROSE: Yeah, so?
WMAGE: We seek to bring happiness and life, not sorrow and death.
ROSE: Damn!
[End Rose�s Dream]
Psiko�s Dream:
[Enter Psiko in a vast library filled with assorted handbooks and player�s guides lining the walls. The Ultimate Dungeon Master sits at a table in the center, behind an illustrated DM Screen]
UDM: Who is this that dares to stand before the Ultimate DM?
PSIKO: I am�THE RED MAGE! [Cheesy Pose and red lens flare] The name is Psiko.
UDM: And you are here because�?
PSIKO: I was hoping you could tell me that.
UDM: How should I know? This is your dream.
PSIKO: Oh yeah, I guess you�re right. Anyway, I was curious as to how you managed to gain such high intelligence and wisdom scores?
UDM: A good question, but that can only have a vague answer. All the more I can say is, it is all in the dice rolls.
PSIKO: Just the dice rolls? No magical items?
UDM: I never said that.
PSIKO: Oh, well�now that I think about it�where am I?
UDM: You are in the Role-Player�s Heaven, where life revolves around role-playing and learning various rules and modifications for every game ever created. Over there is my entire collection of Dungeons and Dragons books, first through third edition. Over there is my enormous dice collection, including the fabled 1,000 sided dice. And over here are carbon-copies of every NPC we have created. As you may have guessed, with an eternity to play, we develop quite a large quantity of characters.
PSIKO: I don�t ever want to wake up.
UDM: No one ever does, but you just failed your check on whether or not you stay asleep.
PSIKO: Shouldn�t it be a check to see if I wake up?
UDM: Normally, yes, but in this case you want to stay asleep, so it is a check for that rather than for waking up.
PSIKO: Oh�but I really like it here.
UDM: Too bad.
[End Psiko�s Dream]
Tracer�s Dream:
[Enter Tracer in an empty, black void]
TRACER: Whoa! Where am I?
[Enter Ominous Booming Voice]
OBV: You are in your world of dreams.
TRACER: Who are you?
OBV: I am the Ominous Booming Voice. I have no material form which you may view me as.
TRACER: Huh?
OBV: I am god-like.
TRACER: Oh, I like gods, too.
OBV: No, I meant that I am almost a god.
TRACER: Gotcha, voice-dude.
OBV: Now then, all who come before me have some purpose for their visit. What is it you would like?
TRACER: I like swords!
OBV: And what is it you would like for me to tell you about swords?
TRACER: Swords are shiny.
OBV: Yes they are.
TRACER: Well, the ancient art of sword-fighting has existed for many, many years. Back even before swords existed, men still fought each other with large wooden sticks, which they would wield as we do swords today. Throughout the centuries swords were developed from shiny metal into various sizes, lengths, weights, balances, and styles. Each of these blades has a unique style of fighting which optimizes it�s usefulness in the midst of a battle. So any one way of using a sword will not work for all the others. Some are good for a Hack and Slash type approach, but not good for quick thrusts and parries, and vice versa. Thus why swordsmanship is truly a long and ongoing process.
OBV: Wow, you do know a lot about swords. I guess you do not need my help on this matter. You must be very intelligent.
TRACER: Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!
[End Tracer�s Dream]
Spek�s Dream:
[Enter Spek and Tracer, with Tracer asleep in a bed at the inn]
SPEK: There he lies, the source of all of my troubles, fast asleep. Should I slay him while he rests, peacefully, unsuspectful of my true intentions of murder, not knowing of all these years which I have yearned to deal this fatal blow to him? Shall I strike him down with my dagger? Nay, �twould be too bloody. Shall I slip a poison into his body? No, that would not bring about enough satisfaction. Perhaps I should blast him with LIT3? Yes, that is what I shall do. Tracer, prepare to die�LIT3 mutha fugga! [Nothing Happens] Why did it not work? O, I am a fool, my spells of mass destruction were stolen by that thief. Very well, dagger it is. He shall suffer from the sharp pains of these repetitive thrusts which I shall deal out to him while he rests, as defenseless as a small na�ve child or a senile old man. The epicenter of all my pain and troubles will be vanquished once and for all. I shall finally be freed from the burden which the manacles of Fate have thrust upon me, a partner unworthy of myself. But I must make haste, for the morning sun shall rise soon over Corneria and we will embark upon our trek to the Temple of Fiends to end the reign of terror which Garland has imposed upon the princess. Tracer, thou shalt not be a shield of mine much longer, for your stupidity has far surpassed your usefulness. Now, by my very own hands, your life shall cease. [Repeatedly stabs Tracer]
TRACER: Blarg! I am dead! [Dies]
SPEK: Alas, sweet vengeance has been dealt out upon this very night, and now my life can continue in peace, without Tracer. O, but this is but a dream, and now to wake from my joyous slumber and carry out this plot to rid myself of Tracer, once and for all!
[End Spek�s Dream]
[Enter Spek, waking up in the inn from his dream in the morning, with the other Light Warriors up and ready to leave]
SPEK: Damnit! Overslept again!
[Exeunt]