The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to
live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn like
fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars, and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes, "Awww!" - Jack Keruoac
If you wanna be my lover . . . nevermind. So, naturally, you want me. I understand. I look in the mirror and begin devising ways to procreate with myself every day. Fighting off the hordes of men (okay, just one man) begging to make me their wives got to be too much for me to handle, so I developed this lovely questionnaire that will allow me to sort the men from the boys, the worthy from the unworthy, the dabblers from the HARDCORE KATIE-LOVERS. So, copy this. Paste this. Fill this out and send this to [email protected]. I'm desperate, all right?!
And in an attempt to prove yet again why he's too good to marry me, my lovely friend Ben Parrot (no, not like the bird) would like to remind you all that husbandry is a real word, and it actually has to do with the cultivation and production of plants and animals. However, this application is clearly not meant for those with hopes and dreams of becoming farmers, so if that's what you're here for, go ahead and e-mail me, and I'll hook you up with my dad, who can tell you all about the joys of slaughtering hogs.
Name You Were Given:
Name You Long to Have Been Given:
Age:
Birthplace:
Top Reasons Why Ohio is Superior to Your Birthplace (Bonus points for listing my being born there as reason #1):
Blood Type:
Curly Hair or No:
If No, Top Reasons Why You Wish You Had Curly Hair:
Religious Affiliation or Lack Thereof:
Number of Children You Hope to Have:
Top Reasons Why You're Willing to Give Up that Dream and Only Have One or Two Instead (If previous answer was something other than one or two):
Acceptable Names for Our Male Child or Children (Because We're Not Having Girls):
And If I Like Emerson, Keegan, Adrian, Ben, or Jude Instead?:
Five of Your Favourite Bands:
Five of Your Favourite Movies:
Why the Movie My Own Private Idaho Sucks:
Have You Ever Actually Seen My Own Private Idaho? (Bonus points for having made up an answer to the last question without ever having seen the movie):
Favourite Fruit and Why:
Top Reasons Why You Should Have Chosen the Pineapple Instead (If previous answer was something other than the pineapple):
Crunchy or Creamy Peanut Butter?:
Favourite Food:
Favourite Drink:
Top Reasons Why Peach Tea is Actually Far Superior to That Drink (If previous answer was something other than peach tea):
If You Could Be Any Type of Shoe, What Would You Be?:
Most Importantly, Choose the Sentence with Correct Grammar:
I'm a pseudo-vegetarian. Are you going to allow me to raise our kids that way, or will you dominate me like the man you are?:
Top Reasons Why You're Okay with the Fact that I Actually Like to Go Bowling:
Top Reasons Why You Would Choose Me Over Any Other Girl on the Face of the Planet:
Closing Remarks and/or Nudie Pictures:
� A small amount of thanks to my arch nemesis for the stolen ideas. �
Oh, Katie, your so unbelievably intellectually stimulating that just once, I'd love to feel your body in my grubby, undeserving fingers.
Sweet Kathleen, your ability to turn men down without a second thought based solely on their spelling and grammar skills simply amazes me.
Choose One of the Following Bands and Discuss Your Love for That Band, Being Sure to Include Your Favourite Song:
The Beatles
Dave Matthews Band
Guster
Jump, Little Children
Radiohead
Sebadoh