Here it is. The entire month of March for the year 2000. Don't you just feel like a part of my life? Doesn't it make you all warm & fuzzy inside to know that I'm sharing a part of myself with you? I know it does. Read on, starting from the bottom.
March 12th, 2000: So, you're wondering why Mike, Tracey, & I had a weird fixation on Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory this weekend, aren't you? Well, we went to see a theatrical performance of it today. I ordered tickets for Mike, Tracey, Jonathan, a friend of Jonathan's, & myself, but when Tracey & I arrived at Mike's house, he was talking on the phone with Jon, & Jon had no idea that we were even still going. It seems that I had told him that I would call him after I ordered the tickets, & since I never did, he didn't invite anyone. So, we had an extra ticket & an ignorant boy. (And I mean "ignorant" in only the kindest of ways.) It was Tracey's first time at Mike's house, & I was excited that she was entering another part of my world, but it also bothered me a lot. I'm happy having separate groups of friends. But I wanted people from two of my groups to come & see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory with me, so I dealt with the mixing of friends. Tracey & I went into Mike's living room while he was on the phone, & I showed her around a bit. We looked at the pictures on the wall that I'm always afraid of looking at when I'm alone with Mike's family. I somehow think that they'll all beat me if they catch me staring at them. I like the way they look together, though. (Wow. I'm a huge psycho.) Sitting on a shelf on the other side of the room, there was a school picture of Jonathan wearing a green shirt. He actually looked better in it than I've ever seen him look before, so I was glad that it was Tracey's first glimpse of him. Not that I'm desperate for Tracey to think that Jon's hot or anything. We started getting kind of fidgety, & Mike's mom & sister came into the living room, so we retreated to the kitchen once again. While Mike was on the phone, I made Tracey stand against his kitchen counter & pose provocatively. I'm really all about seductive pictures, you know. When Mike got off the phone, I asked him to pose for me, but he's definitely not about seductive pictures in any way, so he ran from me. He drove us to Jonathan's, because my Blazer holds a total of .235 people. Plus, Mike has absolutely no faith in my driving capabilities (& probably for good reason). We listened to The Beatles on the way there, which made me exceptionally happy, of course. I like to tell myself that he puts in tapes that he knows that I'll appreciate when he decides that he doesn't totally loathe me, but I'm sure that he just happened to be in a Beatles mood.
When we got to Jon's, Mike parallel parked perfectly, & we went inside. Jon kind of introduced himself to Tracey, & things were good. There was a huge, stuffed lion in front of the fireplace that kind of took me by surprise, but Jonathan explained that it was his as a child, & his parents found it the attic, so they brought it downstairs, even with the knowledge that large amounts of attic bugs could emerge from it at any time. Jon's dad, Roland, came downstairs, & Mike attempted to talk him into using our extra ticket for the play. Mike has an unhealthy fascination with Roland, as far as I can tell. Roland couldn't go, but he sat down with us in the living room to discuss life for a while. It amazes me how incredibly relaxed Jon's parents are about meeting new people. Roland just started asking Tracey questions about her aspirations & college plans. I asked him if he remembered what I want to do from his interrogation upon my first visit, so he made some snide remark about my being a sickly vegetarian for the rest of my life. I then informed him about the all-vegetarian café at the Ohio State University that I plan to frequent. I think it made him think that I'm even more of an idiot than he already did. I got restless & went to the kitchen in an attempt to get some more seductive pictures, but Mike was in no mood once again. I finally got Jon to give my camera little lovin' (don't worry, I realize how gay my writing is in this story . . . and every other story, for that matter) right before we left for the play.
We piled into Mike's car & headed to the theatre. Mike parked exceptionally close to the vehicles beside him, making it incredibly hard for us to get our doors open enough to get out, but that really has nothing to do with anything. When we inside, there was a girl about my age standing around, wearing a short fur coat a la Veruca Salt. I was wondering if she had worn it just because she was coming to see the play. I wanted to ask her, because I love to make fun of people who dress certain ways for certain days, but I just picked up our tickets & tried to ignore her. I had ordered an extra ticket for Jon's friend, but since he hadn't invited anyone, we had one left over. We tried to give it away to people standing in line, waiting to buy them, but everyone either ignored us or just stared at us. At the time, I was thinking how weird it was that they wouldn't want a free ticket, but now that I'm considering it, I wouldn't have taken the ticket, either. Teenagers in groups should never be trusted. Don't say I never gave you any advice. One of the guys who was taking tickets was wearing a vest covered in pins of all kinds. He looked like some kind of deranged Boy Scout or something. (Not that I have anything against deranged Boy Scouts, dear Carl.) Alas, he wasn't the guy who took our tickets. Mike & Jonathan approached a woman whose job it was to lead people to their seats. An usher, if you will. She took their ticket stubs & led them away. Tracey & I started to follow, but another usher stopped us & asked if we needed help. It made me angry, for some reason. To me, it was really obvious that we were all together, & it seemed that she was merely stopping us because we're kids. I smiled, showed her our tickets, & informed her that we were with Mike & Jon, though. Tracey & I went into the row first, & Mike & Jon followed. The usher chick gave us a program & told us that they were supposed to be one per family, so she was going to consider us a family for the day. I thought that seemed kind of cute. I'm sure everywhere else thought it was disgusting, though. Mike & Jon left for the bathroom, so Tracey & I had a moment to look over the crowd. It was overwhelmingly child-based, of course. I think there were seriously 20 kids per one adult. Willy Wonka's hat was sitting out on the stage with a light shining on it. The four of us debated on whether or not that hat was purple or pink. Then, the play began with the candy shoppe owner talking & singing. As soon as he came out, a little boy behind us started saying, "That's Charlie! Look! It's Charlie!" Tracey & I looked at each other knowingly, but we chose not to beat the insolent, little fool. The set was very well-chosen, but the actors weren't. The play was just chock full o' bad acting. I wanted big German people & little English people. I got neither. Augustus Gloop & his mom were extremely American, & so was Veruca Salt, but Veruca's dad was doing the English thing as he should have, but it just wasn't working with an otherwise American-accented cast. Also, the Oompa Loompas pretty well sucked. I suppose midgets are rather hard to come by in Ohio, so adults wearing multi-coloured lab coats & hats were cast instead. Plus, Willa Wonka was way too happy. When I think Willy Wonka, I think mock apathy and dry sarcasm. The Wonka in the play was cheery & giggly, even as he was spouting out the same lines that Gene Wilder did 100 times better in the movie version of the story. But don't think that I hated the play completely. The scenes from the book that were excluded from the movie were cool to see, & the actors did well with what scenery they had. Jonathan, Mike, Tracey, & I were as bad as the little kids - whispering and giggling through the whole thing. As we were leaving, the girl with the fur coat was standing around again, looking lost. We walked past her & said nothing again on our way out. The wind was blowing, so I announced that I had lost my shirt, & Jonathan said, "I noticed." Not that that has anything to do with anything. Upon entering the stairwell that led to our floor in the parking garage, Jonathan reminded us not to touch the walls or doors or railings. I remembered then why I was going to make him marry my sister. Good kid, that Jon. Not that I can really call him a kid. I've found that it really makes people angry when someone only two years older than them calls them "kid", so I make it a point to do that six to ten times a day, depending on my mood.
When we got back to Jon's house, Tracey & I just sat in the living room with Jon's mom, Julie, while Jon & Mike went upstairs to do God knows what. (Oooh, there's some good homosexual innuendo, eh?) We discussed college & television mystery movies and the large, stuffed lion until Jon & Mike came back downstairs. Then, the subject of a certain g-string that was once modeled by a certain male (read: Jon) was brought up unexpectedly. I asked if that certain male would think about modeling it again, since I had my camera with me that time. Mike was all into the idea, for some reason, & asked if Julie knew where another g-string, one with a strategically-placed elephant's trunk, was. She informed us (with an evil grin, mind you) that they had given it to their church during a clothing drive-ish thing. Jon went upstairs & said that he couldn't find his g-string, but when I told him that I would go look for it, he reached into his pocket & threw the thing at me. Having something that once covered a random man's genitalia isn't really my idea of fun, but . . . oh, wait. Yeah, it is. Anyway, I took it off, so Jon placed it on his cat's head while I snapped some pictures. It amazes me the things that Julie watches her son do without even seeming to mind. It also amazes me that I can refer to Jon's mom as Julie, while I can't call Mike's mom Linda, even though I've known Mike's mom about 400 years longer. Mike suddenly decided that g-string modeling was his sort of thing, so he put it on & pranced around, setting up the perfect scenes for my pictures. He was oddly very good at it. His first masterpiece involved him & Jon sitting by a chess board. Mike looked satisfied, relaxed in his g-string. Jon looked anxious, unsure without one. His second set-up was Jon standing in the g-string, looking strangely manly, while Mike crouched down with Jon's cat, Sebastian, and pointed toward Jon's . . . umm . . . area. He felt really weird about the picture as soon as it was taken, but it was taken all the same. After this, we just sort of left the whole situation alone & went upstairs to watch and/or play one of Jon's random computer games. Julie made pizza, so I got more ridicule for being a vegetarian when I had to pick off my pepperoni. I try to do it inconspicuously, you see, but it just doesn't work. Then, as we sat in Jon's little computer room filled with ties, I reached over into a box of pictures & picked up a stack. I love pictures with a passion. Especially old pictures. Even more, I love old pictures of young couples that are now older. Like, seeing Julie & Roland together now looking just as happy as they did in the photos gives me hope, for some reason. I'm just dying for a decent relationship, aren't I? Better than those were the nudie pictures of Jon, though. His parents were seriously as bad as mine when it came to taking random pictures of him random nudie poses. He was terribly embarrassed by them, which made it all the better for me. I believe that the picture of him naked & holding a hose was my absolute favourite. I had offered to bring him some of my nudie pictures when I first started coming across his, & he had refused them, but as soon as I found the hose picture & passed it around, he was ready to see mine. The pictures of him & his cousin naked in the pool were also equally as amusing. Of course, I used to take baths with my sister, so I guess I can't say a whole lot about that. Tracey & I decided to do our usual thing of attempting to look like lesbians to freak people out, but it only made Jon end up telling us that would make a cute couple, which was enough for us to not even look at each other for the rest of the night. Then, Jon's friend Tim called him up & asked who was at his house. He also asked how old I was & said something about my being legal, so I found a phone thrust into my face. It turned out that Tim is a graduate student studying business, which pretty much rocks my world, so I had to talk to him a bit. He's a George W. Bush supporter, though, which is a darn shame. I'm willing to get over that, though, because he said that I sound cute on the phone, which is what absolutely everyone says, but it still makes me happy every time I hear it. Mike didn't seem too okay with these goings-on, so he announced that it was time to go home & led us downstairs. Before I could leave, though, I had to get a couple of shots of Tracey with the g-string on her head & Jon riding the lion while wearing the g-string. Plus, Julie took a little picture of the four of us on her staircase that turned out to be exceptionally cute.
When we got back to Mike's house, Tracey & I got into my Blazer, & I asked her what she thought of the evening. She told me that she felt terribly uncomfortable at Mike's house because of his mom. She had always thought that I was just being ridiculous when talking about how much she seems to hate me, but Tracey said that she, too, felt that Mike's mom was judging her at all times. Makes me feel all warm & fuzzy inside.
March 10th, 2000: On Wednesday night, Mike informed me offhand that he had a soccer game on Friday night. I asked Sheena the next day at school if she & Nick would be willing to take me, & she said that they would. She didn't know anything about the game, of course, because Nick never actually tells her about them until a) I remind him to or b) she asks. Mike informed me last week that it wasn't his job to take care of me, & if he happens to mention the fact that he has a game, then I should be happy. If he doesn't mention it, however, I'm not supposed be mad at him, because to him, I'm merely another spectator. He doesn't play for the audience, I have to realize. He plays for himself. (Notice that the last two sentences were written in an extremely mocking tone.) He also wanted me to know that having to drive me to his soccer games interrupts his Time/Energy Management, which has turned out to not be such a bad thing, since it lets me ride to the games with some people I rather enjoy being with. Anyway, after I asked Sheena about Nick driving me on Friday night, I saw him in the hallway & when he said hello, I reminded him to tell Sheena about the game. Always the helpful, little homewrecker, aren't I? (Before I beging the next sentence, let me tell you that it has nothing to do with the rest of the story, but it was nice, so I'm writing it anyway.) During physics on Friday, Mike came over to me as I was getting all of my lab materials, & he kind of caught me by surprise with what he said. He told me that he feels like he sometimes discourages my wanting to become a doctor without meaning to. It's true that he questions me about my choosing to go to med school, because so few students with intentions to make it there actually ever do, but I've never felt like he's trying to make me change my mind about trying to follow my dreams (or whatever cheesy thing I'm supposed to say about that). So, at least I know that he actually does think about things other than comic books now. On Friday, after school, Sheena, Nick, & I piled into Nick's Blazer & headed back to school to pick up Nick's friend Brandon & the foreign exchange student who's living with Brandon, Shinya. Brandon was working on rebuilding a carburator or something, so he was all greasy & totally not ready to go to the game. Sheena hopped out to talk to them, but before she did, she told me to make sure that I told Shinya that he looked sexy. Sheena's constantly telling Shinya how good-looking he is, but I haven't talked to the boy once this year, so I didn't know how he would react to a random chick telling him something like that. Sheena talked to Brandon for a minute while Shinya got into the car & stole Sheena's seat. She came back & sat beside me while Shinya examined Nick's cell phone. Nick wanted Shinya to call his parents back in Japan, but Shinya just looked at Nick like he was a complete idiot & ignored him. Sheena asked Shinya if he would ever consider going to Prom if a girl asked him, but Shinya explained that he had already been asked. When Sheena asked who had propositioned him, he said, "Bartholomew", meaning a senior guy. We all laughed, & Shinya told us that the guy is gay, which sounds so much better when a Japanese guy is saying it. Brandon was in no hurry to leave, & we were running late, so Nick pulled out of the parking lot in an attempt to make Brandon think we were going to leave him behind. Shinya freaked out, so Nick went back & got Brandon. Brandon rolled down his window & complained about Sheena & I smelling horrible, even though he was the one covered in grease. We were totally late by this time, & since Nick was threatening to drive incredibly fast, Sheena went for her seatbelt. Someone had previously gotten it stuck while attempting to buckle it, so after having Brandon & me attempt to unstick it & possibly tearing it in the process, Sheena just dove under the seatbelt & hoped that it would stay stuck enough to keep her from flying through the windshield if something happened on our way to the soccer complex. Sheena & I gossiped about our friends all the way up. Nick & Brandon talked about cars. I can never decide if car talk is a huge turn-on or turn-off. I mean, I obviously know nothing about cars, but it seems kind of cool that Nick & Brandon do. On the other hand, I have a thing for guys who like the same music I do, for example, because then I can ask them about Guster & they know who the heck I'm talking about. Therefore, when guys talk about cars, I can't join in. It either makes me feel impressed or humbled. I'm not sure which. I don't think I'll end up with someone who knows about cars, though. Someone who knows about the Thames river, perhaps, but not cars. Unless, that is, he likes Guster, too. Anyway, we got the complex, & there was seriously no one there. It's usually pretty busy there on Fridays, but the parking lot was virtually empty. When we got inside, our guys were already warming up, but the other team was no where to be seen. I just assumed that they all just happened to be running late, which makes absolutely no sense, now that I think about it. Sheena & I went up & sat in the balcony with all of the soccer families, including Mike's mom & sister. We noticed that the panels of plexiglass that had once been cracked were now replaced with sheets of wood. It soon became apparent that the other team wasn't going to be showing up, so half of our guys took off their shirts, & they scrimmaged against each other. I've developed some sort of unhealthy fascination with Mike's stomach, just so you all know. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt with his jeans the other day, & he sprawled out across the door to the physics room so I couldn't go in. I told him that it was a huge turn-on & left it at that, which has absolutely nothing to do with this story. When I got inside the room, he asked if he should leave his shirt tucked in or pull it out. I told him to leave it in & poked his stomach. I told him that it was my favourite part of him, which seems like a really innuendo-ous (oh, if only that was really a word) thing for me to say, now that I think about it. He said, "Oh, really? I thought you liked me for my mind." "That, too," I replied, & a hearty chuckle was shared by all. Anyway, unhealthy fascination. Infatuation, if you will. But Mike was on the shirted team. He scored some goals. The parents got restless. They started complaining about the fact that they had to sit around & watch their kids play soccer against each other. I reminded them that I was watching men run around in little shorts & having a darn good time of it. They quieted themselves. During the middle of the game, one of the players commented on the plexiglass-turned-wood panels & asked if someone had broken them or something. I scoffed. From down below, we heard Mike say, "No. They just randomly decided to put some wood there." It was such a me thing to say. He even worked in the word "randomly". I was so proud. Soon, the parents got squirmy again, & many informed their kids that it was time to leave, but Nick, Brandon, Shinya, & Mike stayed around. I leaned back in my chair to stretch, & when I turned my head to look around, I noticed that Mike's mom was staring at me. I wish I would the kind of person who knew what to do in situations like those. I mean, I know that I should just smile or something, but I couldn't decide how to interpret the look on her face, so I just looked away. Then, I started wondering if she thought that I was being rude by not smiling, but I just blocked that out & concentrated on the legs. Mike left the field after a while, & his mom & sister went downstairs to meet him. I wanted to talk to him, but he's usually fairly unapproachable after games, so I just sat with Sheena. Strangely, we began talking about stomachs. I don't know how it happened. I'm sure that it was my doing, though. We talked about how we don't like washboard stomachs. She told me that she likes having something soft to lay against when she's watching movies with Nick. I told her how ironic that was, since I had been thinking the very same thing when I was laying against Mike's the weekend before while we were watching Edward Scissorhands. Finally, the next teams came in to warm up, so Nick & Brandon had to leave. When Sheena & I got downstairs, a couple of the soccer players were standing around, talking. One of them was Mike. We all walked out together. There was a nice, springy feeling in the air. I asked Mike if he was going to be too tired to come over & watch Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory with Tracey & me later on. He said that he didn't think he was too tired, but he just wasn't sure that he was in the mood. I told him to call me if he was, so he told me to have a good time & got in his car. I wondered how he felt about the situation. I mean, I realize that it's his choice to ride with his parents instead of his friends to the game, but I know that I wouldn't like seeing my friend drive off with . . . well, I'll just leave that subject alone.
On the way home, I sat by Shinya, which seemed weird. I sang along to the Beck song that was on the radio while Sheena made fun of me for liking him. Nick told her to put in a CD, so Brandon reached back & grabbed Nick's CD wallet. While he was leafing through it, Sheena pulled out Nick's CD player & the little tape that allows you to play your CDs in the car. Shinya was thoroughly impressed by the tape, so Brandon gave him an extra one that he happened to have. Brandon picked out the Family Values Tour CD, which believe it or not, was actually the best CD that Nick had with him. In all of Nick's seeming perfectness, he still listens to bad, bad music. We listened to Orgy's portion of the CD for exactly one minute until Sheena asked if there were actually any words. Nick took the hint put in some Adam Sandler instead. Now, don't shoot me for this, but I think Adam Sandler is hilarious . . . sometimes. Whatever we were listening to was cracking me up. I was in a super good mood, though. After all, I was going home to watch Willy Wonka. Sheena was visably offended by a lot of the CD, but I told Nick that I was thoroughly enjoying it when he asked. Nick turned to her & said, "Hear that? She thoroughly enjoys it." We dropped off Shinya & Brandon at school & headed back to Sheena's house, but upon reaching the driveway, Sheena discovered Shinya's bookbag in the front seat, so I calmly drove myself home as they raced after Brandon.
I picked Tracey up, & we went to Blockbuster to pick up Willy Wonka. We wanted to get two movies, but it just wasn't happening for us, so we decided to watch my copy of Shawshank Redemption & have it done with. We couldn't resist stopping by Kroger, though. (Okay, actually, I had to go pick up some milk & Coke, but it sounds much better to imply that Kroger has some sort of weird power over us that makes us go in whenever we're near.) We decided to buy some pizza while we were there. We picked one out. I think picking out a pizza with someone is reason alone to get married. If Tracey would have been a relatively attractive guy, I probably would have propsed to her right there in the frozen food section. As we were nearing the express checkout lane (we only had 3 items, mind you), I spotted a turtlenecked man in his mid-20's. He was hot; I stared. He stared back. I pointed him out to Tracey. We both stared. He stared back. Then, I told her that the checkout boy behind us looked like Jonathan, & the man was gone, turtleneck & all. (Like you expected him to leave the turtleneck behind or something.) Tracey spotted Ozzy Osbourne in line behind us on our way out. I told her that I'm glad that she's my friend.
When we arrived home, we began baking our pizza until Dad informed me that Mike had called. I called him back, & he asked if we wanted company. I changed into some flannel pants while we waited. When Mike came, I was in the process of making Tracey listen to Placebo songs. I don't understand people who don't like that band, but two of my best friends (those best friends being Tracey & Mike) can't stand the lead singer's voice. I think his voice is incredibly sexy, albeit a bit whiny. I even made them listen to My Sweet Prince, the ultimate Placebo song, but they were totally unimpressed. I got up to take care of my mom for a second, & as soon as I left, Mike took my seat & changed my music to something that he liked better. Tracey told me later that she thought right then, "Man, if I did that, I'd get slapped." Mike got a magazine & began flipping through it, as he does every single time he comes to my house. Tracey asked me if he was able to come over without looking at a magazine. I simply replied, "No." After wasting hours just sitting around talking (not that any time with Tracey & Mike is ever wasted), Tracey got a hankerin' (picture me saying that with a really bad southern accent) to watch Willy Wonka, so we did. We watched it in the living room with my mom, which always make me terribly uncomfortable. She can't sit still for more than ten minutes, so she's constantly just getting up to walk around. I wish she was even a person to me anymore. I mean, I realize that she's my mom & all, but she's like a complete stranger to me. If I feel so uncomfortable around her, I have to wonder how my friends can do it. But we watched the movie without any abnormal goings-on. During the opening scene, Tracey started talking, & I shushed her. A bit later (Tracey assures me that it was seconds later, but I don't know if I believe that), Mike started talking, & Tracey said, "Go ahead, shush him." She said that I just sat & listened intently to him. I hate that about myself. I had forgotten what a cool movie Willy Wonka is. Gene Wilder rocks my world. Everything was so much better when I was a kid, though. Take the scene where the factory visitors run around the room where everything made of candy, for instance. When I was younger, that scene lasted for hours, & I somehow believed that I would someday find myself in that situation. (The giant gummi bears were always my favourites, just so you know.) I still want to be Veruca Salt after all of these years, believe it or not. One thing I didn't remember about the movie was all of the gay Oompa Loompa stuff. During their last dance, one of them just jumped up onto another. I tell you, there's nothing I love more than little homosexual, orange midgets. When we were done with the movie, we went into my parents' room, where the computer is. Mike started rummaging around my MP3 collection while Tracey I climbed onto the waterbed to sit. Pretty soon, Mike was back to looking at magazines, so Tracey & I started entertaining each other. Then, we decided that we wanted to entertain Mike. Have I ever mentioned that Tracey & I pretend to be lesbians all of the time? If I haven't, let me mention it now. However, let me make it clear that we are merely pretending. We say that we do it to ward off guys at our school. We're completely fine with our sexuality, & we like to freak people out who aren't okay with theirs. So, we wrapped our legs around each other & beckoned to Mike. He was completely uninterested, though. He always disappoints me that way. I mean, I guess it's better than he's not all into it, but we like to tease guys, you see. Most of them see us doing crap like that & they ask to videotape us or get in the middle or something. Then, we laugh at them like the whores that we are. Mike is asexual, though. He gets turned on by nothing. He actually beat me with a magazine repeatedly when he saw us doing what we were doing. While he was looking at the Rolling Stone that had Melissa Etheridge, her lesbian friend, & her kids on the cover, Tracey & I asked if Mike would give us his sperm if we ever decide to become lesbians. He flat out turned us down. So, we gave up on that, & I just used Tracey's legs as ski poles for a while until Joanie came home. She had been out crusing. (If you happen to have any idea when I wrote A Day in the Life about cruising, please inform me so that I can share my information on the hazards of this activity with others.) Mike & Tracey made fun of her. I stared up at the ceiling & remembered making a blue number 4 on it with a blue broom handle when I was younger. Mike started writing e-mails to random people in my address book. He wrote one to my gay friend who has accused Mike of being bad for me, because I'll always be searching for "the man within him" when all he's willing to show me is his childish facade. So, Mike wrote, "this is mike just wanted to say mac mac mac macaroni and cheese mac mac mac macaroni and cheese and by the way that was from 'the man inside me'". All too enjoyable. Too soon, it was time for Mike & Tracey to go home. Tracey needed a ride from me, so we followed Mike outside as he made fun of my cat, Spaz. Mike & I found Spaz under his car one night while he was trying to leave. He didn't want to hit the cat, so I coaxed Spaz out with a can of cat food. Ever since then, Spaz has stayed at my house & mooched off of me. I think that Mike feels some sort of connection to Spaz because of that, but Mike hates Spaz nonetheless. As we walked out onto the porch, Mike began making up a song about Spaz that I found entirely too entertaining. I asked Mike if I could record him singing it, so he went to my car, where I grabbed my mini tape recorder. The recording is so great, because you can hear Tracey & me in the background, laughing. Hooray for friends. By the way, if you'd like to hear Mike's recording, & I know you do, click on this randomly underlined piece of text. You'll be prompted to save or open. I suggest saving the file, of course, because dang it, you'll want to listen to it over & over again. Trust me. ("And for a moment this good time would never end." - Dave Matthews Band, Stay)
March 9th, 2000: Hired help scares me. Now, if your parents happen to be hired help, don't beat me. It's a horrible generalization, I know, but it's the best way for me to start this story out. You see, I'm simply frightened to death by a janitor at my school. Let's call him Bob, because you know that in a perfect world, all janitors would be named Bob. Bob is this little man who's almost totally illiterate, & I've heard him speak exactly three words in my entire 12 years at school. Bob had a strange, sickening fascination with my mom when she was teaching. See, Mom is truly the best human being I know, & she's just genuinely nice to everyone, so she was genuinely nice to Bob, obviously. Well, Bob took her kindness in the wrong way, apparently. He was obsessed with her, it seems. Need an example of Bob's psychotic tendencies? Okay. One Friday after Mom had been paid, she opened up her paycheck in the teacher's lounge. Not thinking anything about it, she ripped off the payroll stub, tore it into little pieces, and threw the pieces into the trash. Well, Bob the Psycho Janitor decided that he was going to teach Mom a lesson. He was merely protecting her, we're supposed to believe. You see, while emptying the teacher's lounge trash can, Bob saw the pieces of Mom's stub & decided that he should pull them out & use them as a jigsaw puzzle. When Mom returned to school on Monday, she found her stub completely taped back together, laying on top of her desk. She was freaked out & paranoid about who would have acted in such a psycho-like fashion for a while, but at the end of the day, Bob came to her, smiled, pointed at the stub, & said, "It was me." Freaky, freaky Bob.
So, Bob's given me a bad image of all hired help. All of the school janitors freak me out now. I can't even walk by them without imagining that they're all thinking of ways to anally rape me or something. Bob still bothers me more than any of them, though. Whenever I pass him in the hallways, I can feel his eyes following me, so I'm forced to look at him & shudder. He's probably a really nice guy who just happened to have an unhealthy infatuation with my mom, but when I look at him, I see a kiddie porn-lover who wants nothing more than to get Joanie & me alone in the cafeteria. Imagine the things he can do with a mop . . .
March 2nd, 2000: While I was over at Mike's on Thursday night, he asked if I was coming to watch him play soccer, as you already know. I asked him why he hadn't told me about his game, as you already know. He scoffed, as you already know. I realized that he was telling me about it right then, as you already know. I asked him if he was going to take me, but he said no, of course, as your already know. He just refuses to take me to games, which you may not have known. I don't quite understand that, & he won't give me any kind of answer when I ask him about it. To give him some credit, he did ride with me to one a couple of weeks ago, but I wasn't allowed to go with his family, because he didn't want to have to ride home in the same car with me. I understand that he's tired after his games & just wants to go home & rest, but it's not like I'm going to be making him do anything strenuous on the way home. He could sleep for all I care. So, he told me on Thursday night that I should call Sheena & see if she was going to watch Nick play, since Mike & Nick are on the same indoor team. When I got home that night, I called Sheena to ask about a ride. She said that Nick was going to take her (being the kind, caring person that he is), but she was sure that he would take me along, since a freshman named Dustin was also going to be riding with them, as well. Now, just for the record, Dustin is seriously the cutest kid at our school. I wouldn't call him hot or anything, but he's just really innocent-looking. Plus, he plays soccer as well or better than anyone on the team, as far as I'm concerned, & he's only a freshman. Well, when I got to Sheena's, Dustin was already there. I've talked to him a couple of times to tell him how well he played at a game & whatnot, but I really don't know him at all. I said my hello's to them & sat down to wait for Nick. Sheena pointed to an orange ceramic pictcher on her table & told me to look at it. It wasn't made by a professional, I could tell, but it was really gorgeous. I was really impressed by it & asked who had made it. Sheena told me that Mike had given it to her, because he didn't like it. He said that his mom wouldn't have wanted it. Odd. When Nick came, Sheena ran off to find her shoes. Nick said hi to me & asked how I was, & then it was silent. I wanted to say something witty to Dustin just to prove to him that I'm not as stuck-up or whatever as everyone thinks I am, but I couldn't think of a single thing. I hate when that happens. I'm by no means one of those people who gets shy or flustered around guys or people in general, but I had a mind block. It was a little upsetting. So, I gave up on that mission & just mentioned the fact that the dog had just drooled onto the carpet. I said there was really nothing more attractive than that. Nick & Dustin nodded as if they agreed. Sheena uncovered her shoes, so we went out to Nick's car. He has a white, four-door Blazer. I always hope that someday I'll go out to my Blazer & it will have transformed itself into Nick's Blazer, but that hasn't happened yet, surprisingly. Sheena & I climbed into the backseat so Dustin could sit up front with Nick. Nick turned on his Top 40 station, of course, but that really no longer disappoints me about him. During Tone Loc's "Funky Cold Medina", I looked up at Dustin's foot & noticed that he was tapping it in time to the music. It got me thinking. It's not that I expect Dustin to listen to good music or anything, considering the girl he's dating, but I couldn't decide if he just remembered the song from back in the day like I do or if he really does think it's a real asset to the music industry. When the song got to the verse where he talks about meeting a girl named Sheena who was really a man, Nick turned up the song & looked back at Sheena with a big smile. Sheena didn't find it the least bit amusing, of course, but I thought it was cute.
When we got to the indoor soccer complex, Sheena & I went in ahead of Nick & Dustin. There were a ton of girls standing around outside with the players from other teams. It was odd. I'm usually one of three girls at the most at those games. It smelled terrible inside. Smelly like sweaty men. We stopped so Sheena could grab some pizza at the snack booth, & Karen, Mike's sister, was getting the same thing. Mike's mom came over & said hi to us, & then we went upstairs so we could look down on the field. We sat with Carrie (Spence's girlfriend), her sister Cathy, one of the other player's moms, & Spence's dad. The game had already started when we sat down, which was odd, because we had gotten there a little early. Carried told us that the game before ours had ended early, because the teams were fighting so much that no one was actually playing. I was wishing that our team was full of fighters. About seven minutes into the game, Mike went after the ball & rolled into the wall. It was really scary, because it looked like he had hit it really hard. He just got up & started running again, though, so I assumed that everything was fine. I realized that I had sat down beside a woman from the other team when she started talking about one of the opposing team's players being her son. I knew that I shouldn't be sitting there, because I could already tell that I hated her. She was telling another mom that she does sooooo much for her kids & for other people's kids & for the school & for the state of Ohio & for the United States & for the world as a whole. She talked about how she goes to every baseball game that her son plays in, because she's such an incredible mother, & she hopes that her son appreciates all that she does for him. Our guys started wrestling with the other team for the ball, & the mom that Annoying, Put-Upon Mom was talking to mentioned something about how our team was kind of aggressive. Annoying, Put-Upon Mom looked over at her & scoffed. Then, she said, "This team is actually very mild. I've been to all of the games this year, so I would know. We've played much better, more aggressive teams." Then, they started in on how expensive driver's ed classes are. They were complaining about how they had to spend a whole $300 on their kids so that they could learn to drive. Annoying, Put-Upon mom said that she hoped her son knew what she went through for him. Just then, Spence's dad started yelling at the referee to make a call. You have to understand that Spence's dad knows absolutely everything about soccer. Everyone thinks he's great, because when he yells, he yells for a reason. However, Annoying, Put-Upon Mom & her friend were not impressed. They started talking about how he was way out of line for yelling at the "ump" & how he should be forced to take one of those classes that parents in California have to take to learn to control their tempers when their kids are playing sports. I leaned over & shoved pepperoni up her nose, but she still wouldn't shut up. Her kid was being guarded by Spence, & Spence knocked him down. I thought it rocked, but Annoying, Put-Upon Mom started complaining to her cronies that her kid shouldn't be allowed to be guarded by someone who's "twice as wide" as him. Sheena kept looking over at them & making faces, but it did no good. During halftime, Mike's dad came upstairs to talk to Mike's mom & Karen. He always stands along the side of the field, for some reason, so he comes to see his family during halftime. He was wearing a button-down shirt & jeans. I told Sheena that I had never seen him in anything besides his suit & trenchcoat or the little shorts he runs around his house in. She laughed. While the other plays stood off to the side of the field & talked, Mike came out onto the field & walked around. He kicked a ball around a little & then just wandered. Sheena noticed something around his knee. It looked like a tourniquet. She said that it was probably just Mike being weird, so I just accepted that. Our goalie is a bit too timid, so he had allowed the other team to score three goals, while we only had two. Our guys were doing their best to get ahead, but Annoying, Put-Upon Mom said that if our team won, it was only because the refs were so obviously on our side. Mike once mentioned something about Dustin playing soccer in Germany, which may account for the fact that he's so darn good. He's also kind of little, so he's just all over the field. So fun to watch. Mike got taken out of the game, & he wasn't allowed back in, but I just assumed that he was tired or something. That's one thing about our team. On one end you have Brandon & Nick, who are so in shape that they can play almost the entire game without ever looking the least bit worn out, & on the other end you have the guys who just stand around, waiting for the ball to come to them. Mike is somewhere in between. Half of the time, he's so into the game & plays so well that you know why he loves soccer so much; the other half, he seems so passive & uncaring that you have to wonder if he has any passion for the game at all. Well, in a very exciting last couple of minutes, our team ended up beating theirs, so I got to give Annoying, Put-Upon Mom the most smug smile I've ever given anyone. I usually stand back & wait for Mike or Nick or whoever I rode with to get their stuff together & come to me, but Sheena marched up to the group of sweaty guys to congratulate them. Bill, one of the players, put on his dress shoes with his little shorts & his sweat-drenched shirt. They were really girly shoes. I wondered if I was the only one who noticed them. Mike stood & looked at me for a minute & then said that he was tired. Sheena asked about his tourniquet, & he showed us that it was actually just there to hold on a piece of gauze that was covering his bloody knee. I guess he tore the skin off of it when he slammed into the wall. In fact, the blood was the reason why he was thrown out of the game. I think I like the idea of Mike being thrown out of a game. It indicates aggressiveness & possibly stupidity. Not that stupidity is ever a turn-on. Nevermind. So, Mike said good-bye & left along with most of the other guys. Nick was talking to Brandon about something, & then he asked if Sheena & I wanted to go somewhere to eat. We told him that we were up for anything. Dustin introduced Nick to his coach from somewhere, & then he left with the coach to try out for another team.
We followed Brandon out into the parking lot & decided that we were, in fact, going to go somewhere to eat. Sheena ran over & felt Brandon's legs for some reason, which seemed really normal at the time but now seems really odd. Nick walked around to the passenger side of his Blazer & unlocked Sheena's door first instead of just unlocking it after he got in. We followed Brandon to McDonald's. He was driving a little car, which seemed so strange, since Brandon owns this huge truck that gets about 2 miles to the gallon & would have had to have been filled up with gas about 8 times on the way up to the place. Nick rolled his window down on the way there, & he couldn't get it back up, so he had to stop a couple of times to open his door, beat the window button, & attempt to make it roll up. It didn't work. Nick held the door for us on the way in & ordered Sheena's stuff for her. Sheena commented on the fact that Brandon's legs are more buff than Nick's. Then, she went & sat down at one of those really high tables with the really high chairs with Brandon. Nick turned around & saw where she was sitting & told her that he was too tired to actually hoist himself up onto one of the chairs. He asked me if I would sit with him at a regular table. I was really quite all right with that idea. We sat with Sheena & Brandon, of course. I realized how much I like those three people right then. I think Nick prayed before he ate his chicken nuggets. I know he's Catholic & all, which is a little weird for this area, but I don't know exactly how Catholic he is. Maybe he wasn't praying at all. Maybe he was just concentrating very hard on opening his sauce with his mind. Yeah, that's it. Nick & Brandon started discussing cars. Something was wrong with Brandon's fly wheel a couple of days ago. I was really impressed with the fact that I had heard of a fly wheel. I have no idea what it does, but hey, I've heard of it. Then, they discussed carburetors. Sheena asked what they were for. Nick & Brandon explained that they allow air into the fuel or something. We asked why air was needed in fuel. We thought that air would be a bad thing. Nick & Brandon chuckled at our stupidity. They said that fuel is actually 20 parts air to 1 part gas. That didn't explain anything to us. Nick said that Brandon would get even worse gas mileage if air wasn't mixed with gas. We just accepted that as an answer. Brandon said that he's the only one on his road who doesn't have a Harley. We reminded him that there are only three families who live on his road. He told us that there are actually eight. He was talking about riding a motorcycle to Prom this year. I told him that I would never go to Prom on a Harley. Sheena agreed on account of our hair. Brandon asked if we would go on a Goldwing or something like that. We stared at him blankly, so he explained that they're really nice motorcycles. He told us that you can get them with domes with air conditioning & heating. I asked him what time he would be picking me up for Prom. He asked if maybe I wanted to ride in one of those little side cars. I was all for that. The conversation turned to Mike & the fact that he wouldn't take me to his games. (I didn't bring it up, just so you know, Mike.) Sheena mentioned the fact that a good day for Mike's dad is lots of dead people. I wondered if she had read that on here or if she knew the information first-hand. We discussed a couple of girls at our school who had worn the ugliest pants ever made on Friday. Actually, the pants were those blue plastic ones that I'm really fine with, but they weren't fine on the girls who had worn them. They're farm girls, so they wore their blue plastic pants with boots & white t-shirts. It was just ridiculous. Brandon started clicking on the change on his tray with his keys. I stared at him. He pretended not to notice, but a little smile crept up in the corners of his mouth. I like Brandon's smile a lot. I also sound like an absolute psycho writing that. After sitting & talking for 800 hours, we decided to go. Nick asked if he could take my trash up for me. Such a polite guy, I tell you. Brandon threw the pennies from his tray at Sheena. We left. Nick held the door for us again.
When we got out to his Blazer, I said something about Nick's un-rolling window & told him that mine had once completely fallen out of it's track. He asked if my engine sputters a lot. I told him that when I start mine up, I always think it's going to shut itself off, & he said, "So you have to push on the gas a little to keep it going?" right as I was saying that. I told him that it idles so fast that while I'm waiting to pull into the parking lot at school every morning, it always lurches forward & makes Joanie think that I'm going to hit someone. He said that his does the exact same thing, & his engine makes a rattling noise as it's doing it. I had always just assumed that my Blazer had been through a lot. It turns out that all Blazers suck, apparently. I can't believe I just said that. I love my Blazer. On the way home, Sheena asked me if I had any radio station requests, since she finally realized that the Top 40 station is crap. I told her that my stations are too weird, but she said that she likes my kind of music. I told her that CD101 is the ultimate station, but they were doing a weird local program at that time, so she turned it to a hard rock station. She told me that she has a thing for Blink 182, but only because the lead singer's hot. She looked at Nick as she told me that with an evil smile on her face. I felt kind of bad for him. She said that she truly does hate Beck, though, which never ceases to disappoint me. Her dad has Odelay, & she thinks it's a ridiculous CD. She told me that she told Mike that one morning, & he ignored her for the rest of the day. I told her that I wasn't surprised. She also hates the Red Hot Chili Peppers because they're too old, which surprises me, since I think they just keep getting better with age. I was getting kind of tired after that, so I just sat back & listened to the radio. Nick kept looking over at Sheena & smiling, which made me happy. I don't think she realizes what she's got. Or if she does, she doesn't seem to appreciate it. Or maybe she does & she just doesn't say anything, because she doesn't want to make me insanely jealous. Yes, that's it. We stopped at the gas station on the way home, so Sheena & I had a chance to compare & contrast Nick & Mike while Nick was out pumping. Gas. I told her that Mike just wants to play soccer & go home to sleep. Nick was going to stay at Sheena's house to do something when we got back there, though. They have this weird set-up where one of them picks what they do on Friday night & the other picks what they do on Saturday night. I'm lucky if Mike has even one of the two reserved for me. Of course, Mike & I are just friends, so I shouldn't go complaining about that.
When we got back to Sheena's, they asked if I wanted to stay, but I wanted to watch a movie with Tracey, so I declined their offer. I thanked Nick for taking me, & he replied, "Thank you for coming. The more fans, the better!" I love that boy, I swear.
Speaking of Tracey's & far too long Day in the Life stories, we watched Kids that night. Now, those of you who know us know that we have an intense love for the movie Gummo, which was written by a little man named Harmony Korine. We love Harmony Korine. Kids was the first movie that he wrote, but we can't find a single movie store that's even heard of the movie, let alone has a copy. Well, Monday night, Joanie & I were supposed to go out to eat with Crazy Aunt Dorothy. We invited Tracey along since she has a passion for Crazy Aunt Dorothy. We went to a mall to eat at Max & Erma's, so while we were waiting, Tracey & I walked around. We ended up in one of the music stores, & while we were looking thru the movies, Tracey pulled out a copy of Kids. We were going to buy it together & have joint ownership, but we decided that we wouldn't know what to do with it when we move away from each other next year, so she just let me buy it. We had been waiting to watch it, & we got our chance on Friday. Before we started watching it. I told her that I hoped we weren't disappointed by it, since Gummo is one of our favourites. I don't know if I was exactly let down by it, but it certainly wasn't very Gummo-esque. A lot of it was actually really depressing, but at least the people in it were slightly more attractive (& when I say "slightly", I'm talking very slight). Kids' most redeeming quality was definitely the black guy with no legs who wore a shirt that said "Kiss Me I'm Polish". He was only a torso, arms, & a head, so he lifted himself onto a skateboard & rolled himself around subway cars, singing "I have no legs. I have no legs" while people dropped money into a bucket that he was carrying around. It was really sad, but so, so funny. I don't think five minutes went by without someone saying the word "pussy", & there were no cussing cowboys in sight. Kind of interesting. Definitely going to make Mike watch it sometime.
March 1st, 2000: Mike & I have been germinating some seeds in our botany class, & we had to do a final write-up of our project for Friday, so he told me to come to his house on Thursday night. (Isn't it great how I make Mike look all forceful by saying that he made me come to his house? It was more like, "So, umm . . . do you wanna come over tonite or something . . . ?") So, I traveled over to his house that night & got there around six. When I arrived, his mom let me in, which always means bad things. She told me that Mike was with "the neighbor", so she called "the neighbor" to tell him that I was there. I don't quite understand the whole "the neighbor" thing. Granted, I only know Jason from the countless times that I've been around him when he's with Mike, but still, if his family told me that he was at Jason's, I would understand. I especially love it when I call Mike's house & talk to his younger sister, Karen. She always asks her mom where Mike is, so when she gets back on the phone, she always says, "He's at the neighbor's." I know that if she had known where he was, she would have said, "He's a Jason's." However, Karen's mom has such a strong effect on her that she ends up calling him "the neighbor" when she normally wouldn't. Strange. While we were waiting for Mike to come over, his mom asked me how I was doing. I said that I was great, which is what I say absolutely every time someone asks that, no matter how I'm actually feeling. She looked at me like she was surprised to hear it & said, "Are you really?" with a big, goofy smile on her face. I could only assume that she was thinking about the situation with my mom. I suppose that people expect me to be in a state of perpetual sadness because of Mom, but I'm really not at all. I mean, I am, of course, but I can still be ultimately happy, which some people have a hard time understanding. I told her that I didn't know why I was happy, but I just was. She looked at me like she expected me to say something more, but I had nothing more to say. I don't know why Mike's mom makes me so darn uncomfortable. It's not like I think she's mean or anything, but I can feel her passing judgement on me with every word I say, even though Mike assures me that she's not. What's worse is the fact that my parents so obviously are in love with Mike. My dad has never liked any guys who I've hung around with in the past, but I think he's secretly making wedding plans for Mike & me or something. Anyway, Mike came over. I don't think I've ever seen him look better in his life, which is odd, because he was wearing a gray t-shirt & wind pants. I actually think it might have been the old baseball cap that he had on that did it for me. I saw him in it for the first time at Bethany's on New Year's Eve, & I loved it on him then, so yeah, whatever. (Just so you know, I despise the words, "baseball cap". I much prefer "hat", but I didn't want to you picture him in a sombrero or something. Of course, if he had been wearing a sombrero, I would have called it a sombrero rather than a hat, anyway, so just ignore me.) He walked in the door, completely oblivious to me, which is how I usually am to him, but his mom kind of gave him a look, which made me like her that much more. He came back to the kitchen with our film cases full of germinated seeds, & we sat down to write our lab report. After we made a couple of decisions about how we were going to go about doing our project, Mike suddenly got up & picked up the phone. I didn't know what I thought he was doing, but I remember having a bad feeling about it. He dialed a number & then asked for a girl named Jen. I was thinking how odd it was that he would call some random chick up while we were working on homework, but well, that's Mike. He told her that it was "Michael, from the Gap", which somehow sounded really professional & un-Mike-ish when he said it. He ended up asking her to fill in for him at work the next night, so that explained everything. She turned him down, so he went down his list of Gap employees, looking for someone who had no plans. He mentioned something about wanting to play soccer in between one of his phone calls, but I was more concerned with wording our investigative question perfectly than anything else. By the time Mike had finished calling everyone on his list, he had rolled up one of the legs of his wind pants, so that was kind of distracting me, as it should have been. I think that I forget how intelligent Mike is every 2 minutes or so. I just assumed that he wanted me to come over to do our project for him, but the truth is that he probably knows way more about plant germination than I do. Of course, I don't try to make people feel stupid in the middle of classes by randomly spouting off little-known information about the large-mouth bass, & I understand that question marks are necessary at the end of questions, so I'll rest assured knowing that. After we had written a tentative outline of our project, Mike asked if I was going to stay around & type my portion at his house. I told him that I was, so he asked his mom what time Card Club started. I had no idea what Card Club was, so I just kind of ignored that & continued along in my little world of absolute ignorance. It was seven by that time, so Mike called "the neighbor" to see if he wanted to come over & watch Jeopardy with us. I started in on my typing, but Mike informed me that I wasn't allowed to do that during his sacred Jeopardy-watching time. At the time, I assumed that he just wanted me to sit & enjoy the show, but as I write this, I get the feeling that he just didn't want the clicking to interrupt his studying of Alex Trebek's pouty lips (& in case that insinuated anything, Mike is not gay). Either way, I didn't type during the show. Jason cracks me up when he's watching Jeopardy. I really have absolutely no idea how intelligent or unintelligent Jason is. I know that he seems to know a whole lot about computers, but the extent of our conversations is usually Insane Clown Posse-related (which is a complete lie, by the way), so I can't make a qualified decision. (Word of the Week, brought to you by Sheena & everyone's favourite American Government teacher: unqualifiedly. Look it up.) Well, Mike was sitting there making educated guesses about former African countries while Jason was trying to fit Michael Jackson into every answer whenever possible. Mike threw stickers at me for some reason. Actually, the fact that there were stickers available for him to throw was really weird. I mean, sure, some people have a package of stickers or two sitting around their house. However, there was a huge cardboard box full of packages a stickers in Mike's living room. I don't know why I didn't ask why. I just accepted it & continued along in my little world of absolute ignorance. Well, during one of the commercial breaks (when I was actually allowed to type, mind you), Mike opened up a package of holographic sea life stickers & took them all off of the paper backing one by one. He stuck one on each of his fingers. Then, he walked over to me & stuck a shark on my shoulder as he went into the bathroom. That little bathroom really bothers me. I mean, it's really convenient, but at the same time, I really don't know how much I like hearing people pee while I'm listening to Alex Trebek. When the show was over, Jason went back home, & I kept typing while Mike made fun of the people on Wheel of Fortune. While I was making various charts & graphs, Mike casually asked if I was coming to watch him play soccer. I asked him why he hadn't told me that he was playing. He looked at me like he wondered why he even bothers with me. I figured that he was telling me right then. I asked if he was going to take me, but he wasn't, of course, so he told me to call Sheena. I decided that I would, even though Sam, the guy who I hung out with all last weekend, had already kind of invited me somewhere. Sam wasn't the problem. The "where" was, though. He wanted me to go out to eat with his parents, which freaks me out, for some reason. Dinner means marriage to me, even if it doesn't to Sam or his family. Scares me. I'll get over it. I actually do want to spend time with his parents, though. They like Nanci Griffith & Gordon Lightfoot. No one likes Nanci or Gordon. Sam's parents do. I'm excited. Of course, absolutely none of that made sense to you, so I'll continue . . . When I was done typing, I handed the computer over to Mike & sat down on the couch to flip through the channels, not intending to get comfortable. Mike told me that it was almost time for Popular, a show that absolutely no one watches but that I love with a passion. While I was watching, Mike began talking to Sam. I told them that I don't want them getting too friendly with each other, but they're not paying any attention to me. After a while, I told Mike something rather uninteresting, & he said, "You know, it would be nice if I cared". Ouch. I reminded him that I listen to all of his lame stories without ever complaining, but when he got paranoid & asked what stories of his I think are lame, I told him that it was a complete lie & that I'm so interested in everything that everyone says that I don't find any stories lame. It bothers me to think that none of you may care about this story that I'm writing right now, even though I'm going to look back at it in a month & think, "Wow, I'm so glad that I wrote that down so that it's forever preserved." Well, there's possibly one caring German who might actually read this because he wants to know about my life, but even he may be skimming right now, reading just enough so that he'll be able to answer questions on the quiz later. Mike ended up talking in some random chatroom to some random 34 year-old woman about how incredibly mundane the Grammys are, which I was very proud of him for. By that time, I had been sitting on his couch for more than an hour, even though I had intended to leave sometime before 8:30 to go see Sam. His mom brought in the pictures from his older sister's wedding. I've always thought that I would like to marry someone who is at least five inches taller than me, but after seeing countless pictures of Eileen's husband having to lean over to kiss her, I've decided that I would never want to put my husband thru that pain. Looks like I'm going to be sticking with someone who's around my height. You know, I say that, but I have no idea. It's not like some tall guy who I'm totally in love with is going to ask me to marry him, & I'm going to say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I should have told you that I only marry guys who are under 5'11" before I allowed you to fall in love with me." Whatever. I should just marry Mike's dad & be done with it. Around this time, Mike was typing the words "all-star of poop" to some guy over & over again. I was watching Charmed, but I got up to watch Mike chat & decided to go to the bathroom. Let me tell you, if it freaks me out having to listen to Mike doing his business, the prospect of him listening to me freaks me out so much more. When I emerged, I knew that it was time to go home, so I asked Mike once again if he was taking me to the soccer game, tried to act surprised when he told me once again to call Sheena, & said my good-byes. When I walked out of the living room, it was like entering an entirely new world. I understood what Card Club was; I was enlightened. There were tables full of woman placed strategically around various parts of Mike's home. They were a club. They had cards. It was very, very scary. I told Mike's mom good-bye & left, feeling very satisfied about the evening.
"Meet me in outerspace. We could spend the night; watch the earth come up." - Incubus (Thanks, Sam.)
