TOP 10 (ten)

Tim and I have been hard at work studying the now-classic art of Top-10 writing.  Our experience goes way back to high school when we once wrote out a beautiful Top-10 list about what not to do during Prom.  Trying to re-work some of that old magic, we bring to you our Top Ten Lists!

      Top 10 Better Slogans for
               Ben and Jerry's
Okay, I'll come out and admit it.  Right now we  both work as "Scoop Hosts" at Ben and Jerry's.  Well, right now Ben and Jerry's slogan is "If it's not fun, why do it?"  We think this slogans sucks.  So we're going to try to make it better.

10.Eat Ice Cream, Get Fat, Die.

9.If you call us Baskin-Robbins one more time, somebody gets an ice cream scoop through              the throat.

8.We Treat your Feet.

7.Always frozen, never fried!

6.Come for the ice cream, stay for the passionate sex!

5.Have a taste of Hitler's finest.*

4.We care about crotch-burning, unlike those bastards at McDonalds!

3.Ben Licks Every Scoop.

2.If you're an annoying bastard customer, leave.

1.Welcome to Pete and Tim's.

*If we used this one, we'd have to take "Jewberry" off the flavor list.

Top Ten Things We'd Rather Read     On That Used Car Salesman's Sign
In our town, there's this dorky little yellow sign that we have to read to and from school, work, etc., every time we go through town.  Every couple of days it has some stupid new joke like,
"Q. How come people are stupid?  A.  Because they don't buy my cars!"  Okay, I made that one up, but the real ones are just as bad.  So Tim and I thought of some things we'd prefer to read.

10.Fresh Fish Daily!  Ask my wife!

9.Free monkey with any new rental.

8.Flat tires?  Who needs 'em?  Try our "concrete  wonders!"

7.Cars don't kill people; people do.  Please, stay out  of my cars.

6.Try our new penis shaped cars.

5.If God had ment for people to get around with their feet he'da put wheels on 'em.
 
4.What's with the weather, huh? What's up with THAT?

3.Now with new odor eating power!

2.Smell what the Rock is cookin'?

1.Our cars are great for sexual intercourse!

Top Ten Wrestling Moves!
Most of you probably do not know that Pete and I are huge fans of Wrestling. I'm talking HUGE fans. We love that kind of crap. We eat it up. I mean... There is no other show on TV. that can fit as much drama into an episode as Wrestling.  Even soap operas...
We love you Ted Turner. You too, Mr. McMann.

10. The Tight Singlet Rip Naked Slam!

9. The Hair Grab Bitch Slap!

8. The Fecal Throw Butt Wrench!

7. The Prison Penal Punch!

6. The Face To Neck Head Squeeze!

5. The Tripple Lutz!

4. The Lazy Bastard Bombarment Kick!

3. The Inny Bellybutton Doughnut Suck!

2. The Lip To Lip Tongue Bite!

1. The Fellatio Flick!

P.S. If you havn't guessed by now... We really think Pro Wrestling is gay.

Top Ten Phrases Overheard on Public University Campuses

Well, guess what, readers, Tim and Pete have returned to UNLV and UNR, respectively, with the soul mission of gracing you, the lowly reader, with greater insight.  Here are a few observations carefully hidden as crafty jokes.

10.  "Institute for Greater Inebriation is more like it!"

9.  "I'm sorry, Mr. Kennedy; Psychology 623:  Sexual Intimacy is full."

8.  "Check out this backless shirt parade!"

7.  "Careful! Don't step there!  That's where Danny was training to drink his own urine for the next Survivor season."

6.  "Please, don't shoot!" (U. of Arkansas only)

5.  "Mom, I did NOT spend my tuition on filthy whores!"

4.  "So if I pay $2000 I get a semester of college AND a copy of Limp Bizkuit's new album?  Bitchin!"

3.  "So we're only studying the course, curly ones?" --Sorry, that's a phrase heard at a Pubic University.

2.  "Are you sure Prof. Ice T is accredited for criminal justice?"

1.  "Tim, please quit undressing me with your eyes!"

Top Ten New Advertizing Slogans For Cheese

Let's face it, those advertizing wizards behind those cheese commercials have no clue. So Pete and I have decided to help. Don't thank us, it is our lot in life to help.

10. Anti-Abortion,  Pro- Cheese

9. "Use my name in vain again and I'll make traffic even worse" - Cheese

8. Cheese... And you thought nothing good ever came out of Wisconsin.

7. Cheese... It produces more natural gas than       Cheveron.

6. Cheese... it smells like a European.

5. Cheese... the government feeds the poor with it.

4.  Cheese... It's nature's jello

3. Cheese... It's not all Bacteria, honest.

2. Cheese... you're going to die sooner or later.

1. Got old milk?

Think you can do better than us? PROVE IT.
Letterman tried.  It wasn't pretty.