Beulah Land

You are in for a real treat with this entry, boys and girls.  The queen of trite lyrics and silly songplay is at it again.  Don't ask me how I found this song.  It's a painful story.  Just read along as I attempt to make some sense of this drivel.

Beulah Land, Got a wasted gun, Licorice man
    Okay, look at what a negative opinion Tori has of the male anatomy.  I mean, come on!  "Licorce man," and "wasted gun?"  Somebody doesn't have any respect for the Western institution of the phallic.

Some you are, sometimes, Got something in that saying, Beulah girl,
    Some... Something... Sometimes... Whoa!  Hey now!  I learned in English class back in  high school that this kind of repetition will KILL poetry.  That is, unless it has some important meaning.  So let's look at the meaning of "Some," shall we?  "Some" means less than "much," and it is also more than "one."  So as you can see, Tori is talking about just a little bit of...well...  A little bit of... ARGH!  Okay, I guess the audience is supposed to feel some amazing sensation when they are reminded of the "some"ness of life in these lines.  So there.

You better hitch me up, Got some candy and some sweet saying (saint?),
    All right.  Here's where we get into the meat of the song.  Tori is saying, "I'm a helpless little girl inside!  I need to be given candy, and then I wanna get hitched!"  She knows she needs a strong, overpowering man to keep her from her natural girly silliness.

Give me religion and a lobotomy, Beulah land, beautiful home, tell me when I don't need you any more
    Okay, see?  My point is being made again.  She wants a lobotomy!  She doesn't want to think for herself!  It is so clear that Tori Amos is just a weak, helpless little child inside.  And when will she not need "Beulah Land" anymore?  Never!  (it's a rhetorical question)

Said that somewhere you're gonna get something, You're so, You're right in the middle, And then I'm you, Something is coming back again
    I'm not making this stuff up.  Somebody actually wrote music to go along with these words and SANG them on a recording.  And got money for it.  I'm serious.

I said you, maybe I don't wanna go to wherever you're not,  so...
    Tori is trying to make you think really hard about this line.  Let me translate.  "Maybe I don't wanna leave you."  It's not that hard when you use English instead of Amoslish.  Again, Tori is revealing the simpering, sad creature of a girl that she is inside.

Beulah land, gonna find me a warm place to bathe this body on down, Got a rubber boat and a crocodile, gonna float on past your home, And say when just, say when just, say when.
    Man, I am so motivated to become a critically-acclaimed songwriter now!  I mean, "rubber boat?"  "crocodile?"  I've been listening to this stuff my whole life!  First with Raffi and Sesame Street, and now with songs by soft-headed sensations like Tori Amos!  By the way, "gonna float on past your home" is a metaphor-filled line.  Just remember:  Gonna=I, float=am, on=a, "past your home"=man-hating feminist.  So that line should read, "Got a rubber boat and a crocodile, I am a man-hating feminist, And say when just, say when just, say when."  It all makes sense now, right?  Geeze.