Yesterday I went to the all you can eat pizza buffet at Pizza Hut and threw up. I don't blame you but I do have a question. Why couldn't you have made our stomach out of highly stretchable material, like, biker shorts? It is my philosophy every man should have the ability to eat six pizzas without having to throw up. I'm not complaining. I just think that maybe next time you try to create something you should think it out a little more. Thank you.
With love
Tim
P.S. Forgive me for my sins and what not. Thanks again.
Yesterday I was out running with my dog, and I'll be damned if he didn't pee at least 100 times. He peed WAY more than me. In fact I was only able to pee twice. I thought that man was your chosen creation. I thought we were blessed above all, even angels. Why can I not control the flow of my pee in the same way dogs can?
On the same note, my dog has WAY more sex than me. He is so immoral. I think you should either smite my dog for his lusty sin, or grant me with sex to show that I am prefered. I'm sure you know what I would suggest. Thanks in advance (for the sex).
Tim
P.S. You know the drill... sins, forgive... Go for it.
Today it was way too windy! What's with all the wind? I mean, wind really has no use. It just ruffles up my hair, and makes me mad. It also blows other people's stink right into my face. I have to go around smelling other people's stink all day. Do you know how that feels? Of course you don't. I'm just asking you to be a litte bit more sensitive when you decide the world needs some wind.
Also, I think the birds have way to much fun when it's windy. It's almost sinful how much fun they have. With their flying and flapping and all. Some times I just want to shoot them with my BB gun, but the damn wind always blows the BB off course.
Your friend
Tim
P.S. You know, the sins thing.
I was just thinking how funny it would be if I started this letter with, "Yo, big guy!" But then you'd probably confuse me with Mr. T, right? Speaking of Mr. T, I saw him on a commercial yesterday for a local loan company. I was thinking, "Man, if Mr. T ever had financial trouble, he could probably just smash some sucka's face until he got what he wanted. Or at least hock his jewelry." Then I realized that this would be un-Christian. Sorry. I mean, nobody wants to see Mr. T lose all those pretty gold chains.
Your Pitious (or is it pietous?) Fool,
Pete
I was just watching this pro wrestling show. I know, I shouldn't have been witnessing such brutality, and I'm sorry about that. Here's the thing; if those guys are just faking the injuries, how come everybody in the crowd cheers them on? I mean, I checked to see if the crowd was full of 3-year-olds, blind people, or some other often poorly-represented segment of society, but nope! I did see quite a few beer t-shirts, though. So does beer make you cheer at fake violence? Just wondering.
Still Curious,
Pete
I went to church the other day, and we were talking about prayer. The Sunday School teacher said that sometimes when we ask you for something, you either say "yes," "no," or "yes, but not now." And I told her I thought that was pretty messed up. I know you have a much bigger vocabulary than that. In fact, I bet you could come up with an INFINITE number of responses, such as "I'll have my people call your people. We'll do lunch," or "Listen, bucko, nice try, but you're not getting a friggin' pony, okay?" So I figured you'd be happy that I'm defending your honor.
--Pete
Today I spent some time in your word. I was reading some book called "Numbers" and let me tell you... the is SO MUCH begetting in this book! "Saul beget Simon" and 'Simon beget Paco". It was almost like I was reading porn. I am not complaining, in fact, really, I am thanking you. God, thank you for putting so much porn in the bible. It makes it an interesting read. Maybe on the cover of your next bible you could put a picture of Fabio, shirtless, making out with some babe. Just an idea...
Your loving servant
Tim
P.S. I got sins, you bought 'em. This is the delivery.
Yesterday in class my teacher had us debate abortion. Most everyone thought abortion should remain legal because it's a woman's right to choose. But I stood up and was all, "I'm way glad abortion is legal too cause that means murder is legal. In fact there are a few people here that I'd like to abort right now.". That pretty much shut everybody up. Don't you think that's way funny? Well, I guess it's one of those 'you had to be there' things.
Tim
P.S. Where should I dump these sins?
I was just thinking about bubbles. I think they're really cool. I mean, they're all sparkley and wet and stuff. But let me just make one suggestion for the next time you map out the Laws of Physics, okay? Picture this: Square bubbles. I'll give you time to think about it. Just let me know. Oh, one other thing; I think there should be more colors.
--Geometrically Yours,
Pete
I've been using the internet a whole lot lately. I'm using it to help 'find myself'. I'm trying to figure out where I fit in this messed up world. The only thing is, insetead of finding myself I keep finding porn. So if you look in on me and I appear to be lusting after internet porn, I'm not. I'm trying to find myself. I just don't want you to get all mad and judge me...
With much love
Tim
P.S. My sins are in the mail. Honest.
Today I am way sick. I have scratchy eyes, a stuffed nose, and a head ache. My question for you is, 'What the hell?'. I mean, really, I know Eve and Adam ate that fruit thingy but why must I get all sick and stuff because of it. So here's the deal, you make me immune to disease and I promise that I will never eat a fruit again. It's a good deal, I think. Very fair for both of us. Get back to me on it.
Tim
P.S. Sins, they're the disease, you're the disinfectant. Go for it.
What is with the whole "Fall back, Spring forward" time change thing? I hate it. I woke up this morning at 6:30, but my body was like, "Dude, it's 5:30 idiot. There is no way I am getting up." I think this time change thing was a bad idea. Maybe you should rethink it. Here are a few ideas: "Fall back, Spring nothing", "Fall back into sleep", "Spring forward, my ass", "Fall back into a soft, soft bed... full of feathers. So comfortable" Damn you body! It's 8:30. Get used to it. I am not going back to bed. I'm just throwing it out there. Get back to me.
T-Dog!
P.S. If sleeping in class is a sin, you better forgive me.
I was reading this thing about a weight-loss plan for Absolute Morons, and I was thinking, "Hey, if God wanted skinny people all around here, He'd be like, Boom! And we'd be all turned into strings or something." So I think you should smite those people who write diet plans. I mean, I've seen pictures of old guys like Noah and stuff, and let me just say that I don't think Noah was sacrificing those extra sheep you made him bring on the ark. I think he was making a little sacrifice to his humongus belly, if you know what I mean! Just trying to watch out for ya.
Remarkably Yours,
--Pete
Well, I've been thinking a lot lately. I think I've come up with some really practical ideas on how creation could be improved. Check them out: First, why can't you drink water out of your fingers? I mean, Mork could drink out of HIS fingers. And he's an alien. So finger-drinking would be great. I mean, it wouldn't be that hard to get a tube from your finger to your stomach. Besides that, it would save so much time! Whenever politicians get up to give speeches, they could be drinking water WHILE they speak, instead of having to take breaks now and then. Also, if I get one of my arms caught in a trap by something, it should fall off and be replaced by another arm within a week. Also, I think ducks should have scales like lizards. Yeah, that would be cool.
Inherently yours,
Pete
I'm really confused. Today in class we watched a video about the island of Bali. In Bali, people worship a whole BUNCH of gods, because they're "Hindoo." I don't know what one of these "Hindoos" does, but if it includes worshiping a bunch of Gods, that seems kind of weird to me. Are you kind of like Santa Claus, since he can be all over the place at once, ringing bells and getting donations for the Salvation Army and still handing out presents? Or is it just part of your omnipresence? Does "omnipresence" mean that you can be a bunch of different gods? Well, I'm anxious to know.
Irrevokably yours,
Pete
What's with flatulence anyway. I always seem to get flatulence at the most inopportune times. Like when I'm working, or when I'm with a girl I like, or right now at this very moment!. And it's always the silent, stinky flatulence. It makes me smell like I'm keeping eggs in my pants. Which I am not.
I am not complaining that we, as humans, fart. I know it is necessary to our survival. The point I'm trying to make is that these silent farts are just more than my poor soul can bare. You really can't explain a silent fart. You just hope the other person doesn't notice. But a loud, booming fart you can explain. You can talk at great length about a loud fart. I could go on for days bragging about a loud, booming fart. It would become dinner conversation. So, maybe you could make it so that flatulence has to build up to a certain pressure before you can fart. Just an idea...
Yours in all
Tim
PS. I hope flatulence isn't a sin, 'cause if it is... I'm screwed!
I've been sleeping more and more lately, and I must say I really like it. I think hibernation would be a bitchin' cool thing to add to human development. In fact, I want to go into hybernation immediately following college, and then maybe wake up some time around 60. If you could make this happen, there's sure to be a little something extra in the offering next Sunday, if you catch my drift!
Economically Yours,
Pete
Yesterday was easter. Easter is a day that really hasn't had very much meaning in my life. I know it's the day you rose from the dead and all, but honestly I could really care less. You're God, I'm sure you could rise from the dead everyday if you wanted to. But yesterday changed all that. Now I am all for celebrating easter. "Why?", you ask. I got paid time and a half for working on easter! Time and a half, God! That's 9 bucks an hour!!! Nine dollars! And really all I did was sit around, because who wants ice cream on easter? Nobody. So anyway, I just want to thank you for dying on the cross and rising from the dead. Nine dollars, can you believe that?!?
Yours in life and in death,
Tim.
P.S. Is it a sin that I got paid 9 bucks an hour and didn't do any work? Pete says it may be, but I told him to go to hell.
How come everybody has a cow over what political party they belong to? I mean, come on! "Oh, look at me, I'm a donkey," or "Hey, what a cool elephant I am!" Gimme a break. I say if political parties want to get today's youth involved, they should make really cool mascots. I want a giant bulldozing, maneating squid for my political mascot! And while we're on the subject, I think that ol' cross is getting kind of boring. Dennis Leary says that he'd like to see Catholic schoolgirls wearing an electric chair around their necks. But I think he's a pervert anyway. But he makes a good point; nobody uses CROSSES anymore! I mean, c'mon! I think a nice Pokemon action figure should really bring the kids into the fold. Maybe a new Jesusmon card could distract them just long enough to pull a confession of faith!
Demonstratively Yours,
Pete
What were you thinking when you invented radio? I mean, I know you didn't directly invent radio, but I figure you created that Marconi guy and radio signals and everything, and so it's kind of your responsibility. So anyway, the radio sucks really badly. I can't say that Backstreet Boys or N'Sync or Hooptey Mama Jama or whatever feces else is on the radio is good or bad... Because I have banned myself from the stupid contraption. I know I sound bitter, and that is an emotion usually reserved for the extremely old. Well, I don't care anymore! I hate the stupid radio and I hate the stupid ads and the stupid moron D.J.'s and... ::gasp:: MTV sucks, too. And so does country music. Okay, you guys, you caught me. This isn't really a letter to God... This is just a rant. It probably belongs on the journal but I'm too lazy to move it. Soooory. Not really.
--Dispicably yours,
Pete
Sometimes I wish you were more of a hands on God. For example; just last weekend my dad asked me, "Tim, why don't you go mow the lawn?" I was all, "No I don't really want to do that so much. You're a pious, God fearing man... why don't you ask God to mow the lawn, huh?" And his response was, "God doesn't work like that." So I asked him, "What? Do you think God is some sort of lazy jerk that won't mow your lawn?" And he said, "No, that's you. Now go mow the lawn". What a jerk, right?
So anyway, I was thinking that maybe you could set aside one day of your week and do all the chores of your people. Like on sunday, while we are all worshiping you and loving you with our songs, you could be mowing our lawns, cleaning our bathrooms, and doing our spanish homework. This would be an awesome way to get people to convert to Christianity too. I mean, even Muslims hate to mow their lawns. Missionaries could say things like, "Become a Christian and never have to mow your lawn again.", "Does Shiva do your spanish homework? Hell no! But God will." or "Our God has his hands on every aspect of your life, even your bathroom." We could even make cool Billboards: "God - 'Use my name in vain again and maybe I wont mow your lawn next sunday, or maybe I'll just get "hands on" all over your ass!' ". Besides, what else are you doing on sunday, right?
Love Tim
P.S. Sins are bad, sins cause hate... take these sins from my plate.
Yesterday I was flipping through the channels on my television looking for something good to watch. What's new, right? I'm always watching Television, but yesterday something different happened. Yesterday I got to MTV and instead of seeing N-Sync or the Backstreet Boys, I saw Moby. Moby, the genius! Moby, one of the greatest musicians ever! Moby, my hero! He was introducing his video to "South Side". A tear of joy trickled down my cheek. MTV was playing another one of Moby's videos. "Maybe MTV will change", I was thinking, "Maybe they'll stop being such sell outs and get some integrity." The video started. I was happy... until I read the words that caused a pain in my chest so bad I thought my soul may have commited suicide: "South Side" Moby AND Gwen "Where's the penis?" Stefani! A duet!?! Moby is doing a duet with Gwen "I suck." Stefani! I was in shock. I could do nothing. I watched the video in silence and died a little on the inside.
Which brings me to the point. God, are you doing ok? Are you sick? You're still in control of the world, right? Satan is still in hell? I mean, how could you let this happen? Moby singing "South Side" with Gwen "Is that a dot on my forehead?" Stefani is an abomination. AN ABOMINATION, God! Where were you on that one, huh? You really dropped the ball there! You better have a good excuse otherwise I may never forgive you.
Love Tim
P.S. An Abomination!
Why didn't you think of seedless grapes first? Or seedless watermelons, for that matter? I mean, yeah, sure, you came up with the "cosmos," the "continental divide," "chest hair," "parabolas," and the "missionary position," but it took a human being to come up with self-generating grapes. Geeze, what a gip.
Yours,
Tim and Pete
The skin on my back is shluffing off like last year's syphilis. That stupid sun that warms up our planet also seared my epidermis beyond repair. Now I'm going to get cancer and die. Thanks a lot.
Yours,
Pete
There I was in all my naked glory. My butt glistening from the oil that I had just rubbed onto it.... Haha, I'm just kidding God. I just love starting my letters to you as if they were gay porn. So, God, what with you being a homophobe? I've read the bible. I know all about that Sodom thing. You don't like gays. Fine, you're God, hate who you want. But I'm writing you this letter today in order to ask you for some sort of definition as to what makes you gay, because in todays society it seem like almost everything and everyone is referred to as gay. I mean, why can't a guy wear a fancy pair of speckled biker shorts in public without being called gay. When a guy can no longer dress sexy something needs to be done! In order to find a better definition as to what makes you gay I asked Pete what he thought. Here is what he told me. If you want to find out if you are gay Pete says that you should ask yourself one of these questions (depending on sex); "Do I enjoy the musical stylings of "Wham!" (male)?, or "Do I call Tori Amos a goddess in every day conversation?" (female). If you answer yes to these question Pete says that there is a 100% chance that you are gay. So, what do you think God? Maybe next time you revise the bible you can put that definition in, you know, to clear things up for your people. I miss wearing my MANLY, not-gay biker shorts.
Love Tim
P.S. Sins, sins the wonderful fruit - the more you eat the more you go to hell. So, forgive me for my sin.
