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MUSICIAN JOKES |
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HOME |
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Why are singers so bad at telling jokes?
Cos it's all about the timing. |
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You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a saxophonist. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you shoot?
The saxophonist. Twice. |
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What do you get when you cross a bass player with an ape?
A retarded ape. |
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Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out. |
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Why don't singers play hide and seek?
Cos no one would look for them. |
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What do you call someone who hangs around with a load of musicians?
A drummer. |
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How can you tell when a drummer's at your door?
The knock gets faster. |
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How can you tell when a singer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in. |
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Johnny: "I want to be a guitarist when I grow up."
Johnny's mum: "But Johnny, you can't do both." |
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How do you stop a drummer from biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes. |
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A drummer decides to prove he's not stupid by learning a new instrument. He goes into a shop and asks the manager to help him select a guitar.
"You're a drummer, aren't you?" asks the manager.
"How can you tell?" says the drummer.
"This is a fish shop," saya the manager. |
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What did the saxophonist get on his IQ test?
Drool |
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Who won the drummer beauty contest?
Nobody. |
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What do you call a guitarist with half a brain?
Gifted. |
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How is a sax solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming, but there's nothing you can do about it. |
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Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So they don't have to retrain the drummer. |
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Why do guitarist keep drumsticks on their car dashboards?
So they can park in the disabled space. |
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Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
You only have to punch the beat in once. |
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What's the difference between a guitar and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a guitar. |
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Whats the difference between a singer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug a vacuum cleaner in before it sucks. |
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How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
20. One to hold the bulb and 19 to drink until the room spins.. |
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Two girls are walking along when the meet a frog.
"If you kiss me," says the frog. "I will turn into a famous bass player and make you rich."
One girl picks the frog up and stuffs it in her pocket.
"Aren't you going to kiss him?" asks the other girl.
"Don't be stupid. I know a talking frog's worth more than a famous bass player any day." |
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How many singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one. But a roadie has to get the ladder, set it up for him and put the bulb in the socket.. |
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How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one. But he'll break nine bulbs before he realises they can't just be pushed in.. |
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How do you make a bass player's car more aerodynamic?
Take the Domino's sign off the roof. |
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Two drummers walk into a bar...
Which is funny because you would have thought the second one would have seen the first one do it. |
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Whats the difference between a guitarist and savings bonds?
Eventually, savings bonds will mature and earn money. |
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What's the difference between a saxophonist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers. |
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Two cowboys are guarding their fort. In the distance they can hear war drums.
"I don't like the sound of those drums," one cowboy says.
Then a distant voice comes. "It's not our usual drummer." |
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How can you tell there's a drummer walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground. |
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What's the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust. |
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What do you call a baby with a saxophone?
An advert for birth control. |
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What's the difference between a bag of rubbish and a lead singer?
The bag. |
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How many singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. He holds the bulb and the world spins around him. |
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How many lead singers does it take to wallpaper a living room?
Three, if you slice them thinly enough. |
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What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
The neighbours get upset if you don't return a lawn mower. |
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How do you get a bass plater off your porch?
Pay for the pizza. |
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How do you get two guitarists to play in time?
Shoot one. |
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How can you tell if a drummer's been doing a crossword?
All of the squares have been coloured in. |
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A drummer walks into a library and says "Can I have a burger, fries and a large coke?"
The woman says, "Don't you know this is a library?"
"Oh sorry," the drummer whispers. "Can I have a burger, fries and a large coke?" |
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What's the best sound you can make with a guitar?
A splash. |
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How does a guitaist turn up for practice?
Drunk and late... as usual. |
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What do you throw to a drowning guitarist?
His amplifier. |
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What's the range of a saxophone?
Depends how hard you throw it. |
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What's black and blue and lies in a ditch?
A bass player who's told too many drummer jokes. |
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What's the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish... |
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What's the best thing to play on an acoustic guitar?
Solitaire. |
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How do you make a lead singer's eyes light up?
Shine a torch in is ear. |
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How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They have a machine for that now. |
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What did the guitarist do when he was told to turn his amp on?
He carressed it and told it he loved it. |
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What's the difference between an electric guitar and an acoustic guitar?
An electric guitar burns for longer. |
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How do you make a guitar sound in tune?
Cut it into blocks and make a xylophone. |
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How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. But the guitarist has to show him how first. |
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What's the definition of a bass player?
Halway between a drummer and a musician. |
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Why are drummers like philosophers?
They both percieve time as an abstract concept. |
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What's the difference between a lead singer and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist. |
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What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
The grip. |
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How can you tell if a drum stool's not level?
The drummer will be drooling out of only one corner of his mouth. |
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