The prime motive for discipline is this: You are the kindest, gentlest teacher that your children will ever have. Never again will they be taught how to get along in life with a fraction of your love. If you don't discipline now, for whatever reason--because you feel guilty, too strict, are afraid of doing something "wrong," or because it's just easier to let them go--then who will ultimately discipline your children? The world. And the world is not a kind or gentle place to learn lessons.

If a parent doesn't teach qualities like self-control, respect for others, consideration and the ability to follow rules, then the teaching is thrust upon others--a teacher, employer, landlord, army sergeant, police officer, judge. Who of these has the emotional attachment to your child that you do? Who will forgive and forget as many times as you will?

When a child is five or eight or twelve years old and talks mean, what do you do? Maybe put him in a chair, swat his bottom, send him to his room, fine him 50 cents, make him write a 200-word apology. When he's 25 and talks mean, what happens? He could get beat up, or fired, or arrested. The stakes get higher as we get older. No matter how mean you might think you are for enforcing limits and expectations, you are a whole lot less mean than life.

Life puts consequences on behavior solely on the basis of how we act. It seldom takes into consideration mitigating factors like, "Oh, she's cranky because she's tired" or "What do you expect, he's a middle child." Try telling your boss sometime after you've verbally unloaded on him/her, "I'm sorry. I went to bed late last night and woke up crabby, with a headache, no less. On top of that, I still don't think I'm fully over my birth trauma."

Parents make allowances. Because we love without limits, we see mitigating circumstances, sometimes even when there are none. That's the beauty of parenthood. It's what makes our discipline have heart, our lessons come with soft landings. All the more critical, then, that we not surrender our privilege and duty to discipline. We alone are uniquely suited to teach little humans when it's easiest on them and most durable.

A mother once told me, "I think the worst thing I could do to my son would be to allow him to be unlikable." In the short term an undisciplined child aims most of his "unlikableness" at his parents. They suffer the brunt of his demands and unruliness. In the long term he suffers. Others quickly tire of his difficult behavior and avoid him. Long after mom or dad have left the scene, he is left to learn on his own how to relate maturely to others.

A critical distinction must be made between discipline in and of itself as mean, and mean discipline. Certainly we can be mean as we discipline. We can verbally pummel, demean and fling all kinds of unnecessary and hurtful words and emotions. By virtue of our humanity, all parents are prone to some mean discipline. Good parents work hard for years to reduce its presence. Setting firm limits and holding a child accountable for his actions is not mean at all. It is love in action. It is love that is hard for children to comprehend. Nonetheless, it is love that will endure long beyond our passing in the character of the human we leave on this earth.