Is your child able to manage schoolwork and homework, work with others in class, exercise self-control and show self-confidence? Your child's self-discipline will be a good measure of his or her success in the future. How well your child manages stress and responsibility will be gauges to his or her adjustment as an adult.

Where do children learn these keys of self-discipline so that they may be successful in school and in life? The answer might be shocking�they learn self-discipline from us. In a tip sheet based on Dr. Lawrence Balter's book WHO'S IN CONTROL?, The American Psychological Association states that effective discipline occurs most easily when the parent assumes the role of teacher and model. Our children learn by example and imitation. By observing and copying their parents, children can develop self-control, good judgment, empathy for others and self-discipline.

Extremes in discipline, ranging from beating your child to giving up, are not the answer and do not work. Neither harsh punishment nor throwing your hands up and quitting are successful in teaching children self-esteem or self-control. When we discipline our children, the goal is to teach self-discipline, not merely to stop unwanted behavior temporarily. Although severe punishment and yelling, screaming and threatening may stop a behavior at the moment, those actions may eventually convey the message to children that they are bad and may lead to more bad behavior in the future. If screaming, yelling and spanking were effective means of control, then we would not do it except on rare occasions. Often, once parents go down that road, they continue to use those means of discipline even though they may not be working.

Good discipline techniques include setting an example. How you handle frustration, stress and disputes will influence your child. Setting limits that are clearly defined are important. The child needs to know what is acceptable and what is not. A child needs to know that the punishment will be applied when the limits are tested and that the punishment must match the crime. Sending a child to bed without dinner because he didn't do his homework is not useful; however, restricting or eliminating TV privileges for several days would be more appropriate.

Accepting and forgiving mistakes are traits that will serve us well. Some mistakes and accidental damage to property should be expected when children are learning to do things themselves. A certain number of dishes will be broken when the child learns to wash dishes. Having reasonable expectations of what children are able to do at different stages is important. Toddlers cannot be expected to entertain themselves or remain in one place for long periods of time without some attention. Finally, a parent needs to be both consistent and flexible in dealing with the differing circumstances that influence a child. Children need limits, but within those limits there needs to be room to explore and grow.

Dr. Robert Woliver, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Kaneohe.