Sibling Cease-Fire

Sibling Cease-Fire A PARENT'S ROLE IN REDUCING THE FIGHTING by Tricia Goyer & Cindy McCormick Martinusen

When I envisioned raising my children, I pictured them as best friends, protecting one another and always on the same side. More often than not, they're opposing forces, constantly battling it out.

Sibling conflict. Advice abounds on how to deal with it. There are many reasons to avoid it, and many headaches would be eliminated without it. But let's face the fact--it happens. If you sometimes wonder if harmony will ever triumph, here are some tips to turn fighting factions into peaceful siblings once again.

Call Cease-Fire

Although parents shouldn't try to referee every minor disagreement between siblings, calling for a cease-fire is necessary when tempers flare. After the struggle is stopped, give your children a few minutes to calm down. Then, attentively listen to both sides of the story, but do so without taking sides. In her book, FRONT PORCH PARENTING, Mary Manz Simon says, "Very often as parents, we tend to side with the younger child or the child whom we perceive is weaker." Giving each child an opportunity to speak will help you to understand both sides of the conflict instead of placing blame prematurely.

Enforce the Rules

Remind your children of the current regulations of your home, such as no tattling, no hitting and no provoking each other. It's best if these rules are posted or at least written down. This will not only serve as a reminder to your children, but will provide you with a standard to uphold.

Ron Rose, author of SEVEN THINGS KIDS NEVER FORGET, says, "Parents who are most successful at raising children spend time doing three things: (1) they model the rules; (2) they teach the rules; (3) they enforce the rules." This is best accomplished when the rules are clear to all.

Chastise The Conspirator(s) If Needed

After you've discovered who's responsible for the conflict and have referred to the rules, chastise if necessary. Rose gives a strong point stating, "Rules are worthless without appropriate consequences for breaking them. This is what discipline all about--enforcing the rules."

Circle The Troops

After appropriate discipline, bring siblings together and encourage them to seek forgiveness from each other. In most case young hearts are quick to pardon, and battle wounds are soon forgotten. Also, take time to point out the special qualities of each child. Then pull you children into an embrace, reminding them that cuddles feel better than conflicts.

Promote A Pact

Sometimes more than a hug is needed to encourage peace. A family mission statement, signed by every member, will uphold a standard to work toward. Get everyone involved in establishing your family's focus, desired behavior and goals. As future conflicts arise, this "family pact" can be referred to time and again. Siblings will recall their suggestions to the agreement and also will be reminded that they approved it with their own signatures.

Wave The White Flag

As most sibling conflicts progress, they can quickly escalate to a full-scale war. This is why children should be taught to wave a verbal white flag. How does a parent teach this? In the midst of an argument, parents should intervene and show children ways to verbally resolve their problems instead of striking back. Even more important, children display what they observe. When they see parents resolve conflicts in a calm, verbal manner, they'll be more apt to do the same.

Mock Battle

A great way to stop potential or reoccurring battles is by role-playing. This technique works with mild arguments such as, "He got the biggest," to more serious outbursts like, "She's mean to me. I hate having a sister."

Role-playing consists of acting out a situation. During family time, discuss the problems siblings encounter. Choose a few of these situations and use role-playing techniques to solve the problems. One method is to have children switch roles and "act out" each other. This is a great way for siblings to understand the feelings and emotions of the other child. Or replicate an exact argument and show ways of resolving it peaceably. You'll probably get a lot of laughter and raised eyebrows when you first introduce role-playing, but the message becomes clear soon enough.

"All for one and one for all" is often a forgotten motto in today's society. But children need to be reminded that family members are allied powers, attempting to work together toward the same cause and designed to support one another. Every person should be encouraged to develop a protective feeling for the family unit. When one sibling is hurt or going through a difficult time, everyone should support and encourage that person.

Another great way to develop a sense of family unity is to do many "together" activities. Friends have their place, but time should be reserved for the family alone.

The following are a few ideas which will encourage unity amongst siblings:

� Set goals together. Promote activities in which siblings must work together to reach a goal.

� Play games. During family time, join the children as a team.

� Do chores together. Assign chores that must be completed with cooperation.

� Do charity work. Unite children to reach out to the less fortunate.

� Enjoy fun projects. Promote sibling activities such as large puzzles, birdhouses or craft kits to develop a sense of teamwork. Use limited supplies, such as glue and markers, so they have to share.

� Make gifts. Have children work together to create gifts, such as cookies for neighbors or presents for grandparents.

� Read together. Have children read to each other, or have an older child read to a younger sibling. Also, make up your own "sibling" stories. Have "Super Brother" save little sister from the scary bear, or add your children as characters to their favorite stories.

� Have a king/queen for the day. Have one day a week be "Royal Kid Day." One child is the king or queen and receives special treatment. The other "servant" children can also enjoy themselves as they prepare food and games for the queen or king of the day.

� Have a special parent day. Siblings will have tons of fun working together to fulfill the needs of the chosen adult. (This is great for the adults, too.)

� Host a family talent night. Encourage each child to shine like a star in front of the family. Tumbling acts, singing specials or the presentation of school projects will bring claps and support from other siblings.

Above all, remember that there's no quick fix to resolving sibling conflict. If you expect complete, lasting or immediate results, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. Instead, take determined stride and in time, your children's battles may result in a victory for all.

*Submitted by Sherry

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