The Aspartame Conspiracy

The poison peddlers of our generation have once again thwarted the efforts of consumer watchdogs to put an end to their carnage. Despite the preponderance of evidence presented by scientists across the Internet, the US food and beverage industry � in an effort to maximize its unscrupulous profits � continues to lace soft drinks, food products, and over-the-counter pharmaceuticals with the �sweetener,� aspartame. This must be stopped.

As previously noted from unbiased testimony of scientists such as Dr. James Kildare of Blaire General Hospital and Dr. Jonathon Fever of Cincinnati, Ohio, the chemical formula of aspartame primarily consists of one substance � methanol (wood alcohol). This substance, in and of itself, is extremely toxic to the human body, but when broken down by our digestive system, the chemical produces a hydrolysis reaction, which separates the formula into an ester compound and a methyl group, along with a byproduct of formaldehyde. Formaldehyde is the compound used in the preservation of tissue specimens and the embalming of corpses. In its pure state, the chemical is neruotoxic and should never, EVER be ingested into the human body. It can cause systemic lupus, fibromyalgia,  carpal tunnel, migraines, seizures, restless leg syndrome, urticaria, acne, sinusitis, tooth decay, vague feelings of malaise, hammer toe, spontaneous respirations, cardiac contractility, unassisted ambulation, and erectile function, just to name a few.

"In its pure state, the chemical is neruotoxic and should never, EVER be ingested into the human body."

Proponents of this heinous �food supplement� � individuals who are undoubtedly seduced by the industry�s massive war chest � claim that aspartame is comprised simply of amino acids, and nothing more. This, of course, begs the question, �What is an amino acid?� Well, let�s look at this logically.

 Hydrochloric acid is an extremely caustic agent that is so volatile; it can actually corrode metal right before your eyes. Would you ever consider drinking a can of hydrochloric acid? I think not! Yet this is exactly what you do when you slurp down a can of your favorite diet drink. YOU DRINK ACID! I rest my case.

If this were the only concern about aspartame, I probably would not oppose the product so vehemently. Scientists, however, have recently uncovered hidden research that indicates we�ve barely scratched the surface of the chemical�s danger..

During clinical trials for FDA approval of aspartame in the 1970�s, test subjects were given varying doses of aspartame in double-blind studies, all administered via assorted beverages to college underclassmen. Of the three hundred or so students tested, seventy-five percent developed poor study habits, such as sleeping-in on weekends and occasionally skipping class, while nearly all experienced an exponential increase in the volume of alcohol ingestion since before college admission. But what�s even more disturbing is the number of individuals who admitted to having Textile Dystonia (TD). TD is a condition marked by an extreme inability to match coordinating fabrics and colors, either of preexisting, gradual, or sudden onset. This condition occured predominantly among males in the study. Do you remember fashion in the seventies? Need I say more?

"...this is exactly what you do when you slurp down a can of your favorite diet drink. YOU DRINK ACID!"

Now, it seems, research has come to light that reveals even more sinister facts about our favorite so-called tabletop sweetener. Facts so compelling, that it is quite simply a matter of national security that I expose them.

In 1965, scientists at a laboratory in Lincoln County, Nevada � while attempting to create a bioassay to inhibit the release of gastrin � happened upon the substance, aspartylphenylalanine-methyl-ester. The accidental discovery, as the story goes, led serendipitously to the production of a consumer product nearly two-hundred times sweeter than sugar. Voila! A multibillion-dollar industry was born.

But just how did this discovery occur overnight? And why did chemists, working toward a completely unrelated � even diametrically opposed � goal, just �happen� upon this chemical?

The key to that answer lies in the location of the research laboratory. Perhaps Lincoln County, Nevada, sounds familiar to you. It should. Within this county lies one of the US government�s most secret research facilities � the infamous Area 51.

I, myself, have viewed credible evidence that links aspartame to the government research facility and exposes the chemical for what it really is � a poison smuggled by aliens intended to exterminate the human race. After the discovery of shipwrecked UFOs in the Yucca Flats of  Nevada a few decades ago, government officials soon learned of the alien race�s plan to obliterate the earth�s population. The alien ships contained large vats of a white powdery substance, which they planned to release into the planet�s fresh water supply upon arrival. Unfortunately for the aliens, they discovered the palatable flavor of the substance en route and began to mix it in their beverages and food stuffs, thereby doing themselves in. Only one alien survived.

In 1981, the US government secretly sold the rights to this foreign chemical to pay for their new space initiative � the Space Shuttle program (isn�t the timing rather coincidental?). The company that acquired the rights went by the name Monsanto. Monsanto, however, is really a cover for a covert secret identity, Ronsanto. Yes, that�s right, the same Ron Santo who played for the Chicago Cubs. He is really the surviving alien, morphed into human form, and now a paid shill for off-brand pharmaceuticals. Unbeknownst to the MLB, the alien disguised himself as a baseball player and launched a multi-tier scheme to take over the world. Ronsanto�s first action was to change his name to the ubiquitous two-word designation: Ron Santo. Then he embarked on his plan to become a famous baseball player, launch his own brand of candy bar (Oh Santo!�), and lace it with the alien neurotoxin formula. Unfortunately for Ronsanto, he played for the abysmally awful Cubs, and his talents were squandered.

In 2001, as the statute of limitation for the aspartame patent expired, Ronsanto�s exclusive rights became public domain. Currently, any company with a profit motive larger than their conscience may infuse their product with the lethal chemical. We are seeing the fruition of this travesty come true today.

"...any company with a profit motive larger than their conscience may infuse their product with the lethal chemical."

I spent several days last year lecturing at the NORTHWEST URBAN TASTE SYMPOSIUM (N.U.T.S.) at Oregon State Hospital in Salem, Oregon. First addressed on the agenda was the subject of the sweetener �ASPARTAME,� marketed as �NutraSweet.� �Equal,� and �Spoonful.� In the keynote address by the EPA, it was announced that there was an epidemic in the United States in 2006 of multiple sclerosis, systemic lupus, opposable thumbs, and wearing underwear backwards. Mildred Ratched, RN, herself testified to the statistical data regarding the cases of professed aspartame poisoning by nearly all residents of the Oregon facility. Later that year, these finding were presented at the annual meeting of the Justice League, attended by formative members of the Superfriends. While most members remained guardedly pessimistic about the facts surrounding my research, Superman heartily agreed with my findings, seeing as aspartame�s chemical formula closely mimics the molecular structure of Kryptonite. Batman, on the other hand, vehemently opposed the facts. But who is he, anyway? It�s not like he has any real superpowers or anything. �Hello. I dress like a bat. Stop doing bad things�. As if.

In the end, Batman embarked on a forty-five minute tirade on the advantages of utility belts, and the meeting digressed until we accomplished absolutely nothing. Except of the short nap during Batman's dissertation.   

What can you do if you are a victim of aspartame poisoning?

First, put down that can of diet soda! With every drop you take, you draw closer to your last breath.

Next, take the antidote. Prescriptions can be purchased from my website for the meager cost of $59.99.

            After taking the aspartame antidote, I recommend following a detoxification program certified by my website. Fortunately, I offer a ten-step program for just $199.95. This program has been tested on college students, rhesus monkeys, death row inmates, and congressional pages across the nation to insure its safety and efficacy. Remember, without detoxification, you�re only half-cured.*

            In addition to the detoxification program, it is imperative that you line your clothing with tin foil and wear molded foil hats and undergarments. This is to reflect the gamma rays emitted by the mother ship, which remains in orbit awaiting the fateful awakening of the pods.

            Finally, be sure to purchase my book, Aspartame, the �69 Cubs, and Other Scourges of the Earth. The book is only $29.95, and if you purchase it now, you�ll receive a free global evacuation kit.  

*Asterisks inserted to give the appearance of validation of actual facts. Any similarity to facts, real or imagined, is purely a coincidence, and probably a product of your imagination - most likely induced by aspartame poisoning.

�2007 by The Sky Is Falling!, Inc.