Buffy's heart was pumping, he was coming over, and she didnt have to do any phoning of the guy, like she usually had to do.

Hank entered the lounge where Buffy was seated, dressed in a suit, Buffy groaned, she knew what was coming.

'Buffy, i have a meeting with clients, you need to look after your sister for a few hours.'

Buffy jumped up off of her chair 'Please Dad, i made plans!'

'Tough. I'd call the normal sitter, but shes outta town at the moment'

The doorbell rang, and Hank pulled it open to reveal a bleached blonde man, smoking, and dressed in a long black leather jacket. Buffy stepped into the hall and grimaced... what the hell was her father gonna think?

He turned to her, raised an eyebrow and said 'You'll have to explain to your 'friend' here about Dawn' and he exited to his car.

Buffy gestured for Spike to come in, and closed her door 'Spike, i have to babysit my little sister tonight, so our plans, whatever they might have been, have to be postponed.'

Spike cocked his head at her, and then shrugged 'Fine, we'll order in'

Buffy was incredulous 'You wanna help me look after my little sister?'

He ran his hand through his hair, nervously and muttered 'At least i'm with you'

Her heart flipflopped and she touched his knee affectionately 'Yeah, um, thanks'

The perfect moment was there and then... Dawn came bounding into the room. 'Hi Buffy.' She smiled cutely 'Hi Spike'

'Well, arent you just the littlest Nibblet?' and then he winked at Dawn.

Dawn settled down... between Buffy and Spike, and turned on the TV. 'My programs on'

*************

A few hours later, and Dawn was in bed, leaving Buffy and Spike sitting quietly together, watching some low budget horror crap, she didnt know the the name. She glanced at the clock, 10.30, her dad should've been home by now. She suddenly noticed that Spike had been watching her intently for a while, and she smiled sweetly and said 'What?'

'You'

'What about me?'

'You just looks so... i dunno, pissed off, and its cute'

'Well, my if my fucking father would get home, then we could go out and, i dunno, do whatever it is we do' She caught herself 'Y'know, other than *that*'

'Right, 'course'

She couldnt stop herself, she lunged across and kissed him, strongly, like she'd wanted to all night, and he respnded, snaking his arms around her, and hauling her towards him. Her hands travelled up and under his shirt, but was stopped by Spike. She pouted and said, kinda hurt 'What, you dont want to?'

He smiled half heartedly 'Jeez, of COURSE i wanna, but, well, your lil sis is upstairs, and your dad could be back any sec, so i dont want you to get in any trouble'

Buffy stood up, and took his hand and led him down the hall towards her room, pausing to whisper in his ear 'Screw trouble' and pushed him inside her room.

****************

Afterwards, she lay in his arms, listening contendedly to his heart beating, not talking, just enjoying the silence that only he could make comfortable, a CD humming in the background. The front door to her home clicked open, and Buffy's heart plummeted. Her father was gonna *kill* her when he found out that... well, the naked guy in her bed would take a little explaining, as would the condoms in the bathroom bin.

Then, she realized her father could say or do anything he wanted, it didnt matter. Here she was, happy as hell, and no-one was gonna screw that up.

The phone in her room rang, and she groaned and reached over Spike to pick it up, who nibbled on her arm playfully.

'This had better be good'

'Hey Buffy. Its me, Angel.'

Her heart stopped.

Chapter 12:

She yammered on, what else could she do. Spike nudged her as if to say 'What?'

She mouthed 'Its my boyfriend'

The look on his face turned from contentment to distaste in only a few moments, and he bolted up and moved away from her. Buffy looked up exasperated and muttered into the phone 'Angel, can i call you back later?'

She didnt wait for an answer and hung up, rounding on Spike 'What the hell is up with you?'

'WHAT? How the fuck can you ask me that?'

'It;s not like i couldnt talk to him, ya know, he is actually supposed to be my boyfriend' This was muffled by her attempts to dress.

'Oh yeah, and what the hell does that make me? Your fucking bell boy?'

'Why are you being like this? I thought we were having fun!'

He bit his lip and looked at her sadly 'Fun? Thats all it was to you?'

She considered this 'No, no it wasnt. Look, i have feelings for you, i dont deny that. But, i cant be in love with you.' She held up a hand to prevent him from interrupting 'I live in Sunnydale, i go to high school, and i have a comfy life. Or at least i did before you came along. I CANT do this, why dont you see?'

'What i see, *Buffy*, is that you are so goddamn afraid to feel anything for me that you're pushing me away for some asshole who'll be gone in a year or two, and wont give a rats ass about you'

'And you will?!'

'Yes! Because i l---ike you. Oh screw it, i'm in love with you, and as much as you dont wanna, you love me as well.'

Buffy's head was screaming at her to grab him but she couldnt let herself become that weak to him. 'So, Slayer, you grab me to scratch some itch that you have that your boyfriend could never do as well as me? I dont think so!'

She could feel the tears forming, but she held them back and said, as calmly as she could 'Get out.'

He nodded to himself 'Right. So, i'm beneath your contempt? Whatever'

He hauled on his clothes as fast as possible and ran out the door, knocking into Buffy's father on his way. As soon as he had roared down the driveway, she broke down. What the hell had she done? SHe heard footsteps approaching her room, and looked up to see her father in the doorway. 'Not now, Dad, ok?'

'Did you...?'

'YES! OK, there, i said it! I just made the single biggest mistake of my life, so i just need a little time. You can yell at me later, or call Mom, or whatever, I dont care anymore.'

Hank blinked several times, and exited.

Chapter 13:

Spike drove angrily, not caring how many stop signs he had run in the last 20 minutes. How the hell could she do this to him? Didnt it matter how *he* felt in the slightest?

'Bloody typical. Just cos she's confused, means i have to be too? Yeah, sure!'

He took a corner sharply and pulled to a halt outside the Lone Bar, near his place and stomped inside, and ordered himself a drink. He'd need courage to do what he was planning.

***********************

Buffy ate quietly, not wanting to draw attention to herself. Her father was muttering something about calling her mother, and she figured it was safer to just sit and say nothing, rather that risk her father's wrath which, although often scary, was NOTHING compared to what her mom would do to her if she ever found out that she had been carrying on with an older guy. Heck, Joyce flipped out about Angel, and he was only 2 years older than her.

The phone rang suddenly and her Father picked it up. He turned around and offered it to Buffy. 'It's your boyfriend'

Of course, she'd left him hanging earlier, he'd be annoyed, but nothing she couldnt handle 'Angel'

A slurred voice replied 'Nope. It's me'

'Spike?'

'Bloody hell. Yes, its me'

'what is it?'

'Look, you left me out in the cold this mornin' and i think we need to, like, talk or something'

'Are you drunk?'

'Yeah, quite a bit actually'

She looked up. Her Dad had left the room. She lowered her voice anyway. 'Yeah, ok. Where?'

'My place, but leave it a bit. There's somewhere i gotta go first.'

'I'll assume i'll have to make my own way there. You being pissed and all'

'Whatever'

The phone clicked and she was left with a dial tone. Buffy called hesitantly 'Dad?'

Hank marched in. 'Yes?'

'Um, can you give me a lift?'

'Where?'

'Santa Monica'

'Buffy, now you know i'm busy'

'Please? There's a coupla things i need to deal with'

'Fine. I suppose i could take your sister to the beach or something'

'Great!'

******************

45 minutes later, Hank dropped Buffy off in front of Spike's building, stating that she was to call his cellphone when she wanted picking up.

She approached the door to the building and rang his bell. A grumpy voice replied and she entered.

Spike opened the door to her and muttered 'Come in'

She took off her coat and sat down 'So, what did ya want to talk to me about?'

Chapter 14

Spike looked down at his shoes, anywhere so that he didnt have to start what was going to be the hardest conversation of his life. He felt into his pocket... nestled between his car keys and his fags was what the crux of this conversatin would undoubtably be

Buffy played nervously with a small thread hanging from her trousers, not liking the fact that Spike needed to get his bearings before actually conversing with her. To accelerate things along rapidly, she said 'Well?'

'Right... um, well... I'm sorry if i hurt you earlier, i just felt that you deserved honesty. I love you enough to at least deliver that to you'

She grimaced 'Spike, you dont l---'

He cut her off sharply 'Look, dont take the highground with me, i think *i* know how i feel a lot better than you do, ok?'

'Yeah, ok. I'll assume that there's more?'

'Right so... i did a lot of thinking since i, well, left this morning, and i decided that i have to stick all my cards on the table in front of you, so you get where i'm coming from, and that you dont freak out when i say some of the things that i am going to say to you'

He let it hang in the air for a moment, dramatic effect and all, before continuing 'Ok, i had a lot of thoughts running through my head earlier on. Mostly about how pissed off i was at you for being such a bitch to me, and denying that you felt anything for me...'

She cut him off 'I didnt *deny* anything. I admitted how i felt, just not to your liking'

'Whatever. Anyway, i had a bunch of inane thoughts about how i could be a part of your life, and i realized that i had to take an intense stance to show you how i felt about you. Call me insane, but me Dad always told me to be upfront, y'know, that the out of the way shit always makes an impression, so, well, here goes'

His heart was pounding, his palms were sweaty, and he thought he was going to throw up, but he couldnt very well stop now. Too much of an anti-climax for him at this stage of their relationship. He felt inside his pocket and withdrew what he had spent pretty much every cent he had buying. He prayed silently and continued, wanting to laugh at the shocked look on Buffy's face

'Look, i KNOW that i love you. You may not believe it, fuck, i dont even believe it at this moment, but i know that i've never felt like this about anyone, and i know that i'd give up anything for you if you said you loved me, if you told me that i was the only thing you;d thought about for the last coupla weeks, because i know that is how its been for me, as much as i've hated the weakness of belonging solely to you.

'I know that i'm a punk, that i'm a waster, but i'm a better person when you're around me. I'm not perfect, and i'm not making any illusions to *being* perfect, because that would be a bare faced lie. Something inside me is telling me that i should do whatever it takes to be with the person i love, so, well, to sum up, i'm kinda proposing to you'

He opened the small box and handed it to Buffy. She gasped, it was possibly the most beautiful thing she had even seen. But, how could she handle this when all the intelligent parts of her were screaming that this was a huge mistake, and everything else was screaming Yes?

Chapter 15:

Spike's breath was caught in his throat. Hardly surprising considering that Buffy had been sitting in a kind of shocked silence for about 5 minutes.

'Um, not to rush you love, but y'know, life ticking away and and all that.'

'This isnt exactly the kind of thing I was thinking of rushing into, y'know!'

'Well, I dont want to blow your concentration, but even a simple 'Maybe' would suffice.'

She was halfway between high on the fact that someone loved her, and from panicking at the huge gaping sinkhole that would occur if she said no.

'Ok, maybe, but that's all I can do so far, OK? I mean, I'm 16, and you just *spring* this on me like I'm supposed to know exactly what to do. And, I so DO NOT have a clue. And this whole thing is just a little too complex for me at this point in my life...'

'I understand, OK.' He was sinking slowly downwards from the high that proposing had given him, and he desperately needed to find something to get a hold of. He started muttering to himself to cover his embarrasment, almost missing the way she continued the conversation.

'But, I know that I love you, whether I think that its a good idea or not. I KNOW for a fact that this may not have been the best way for you to go about thing, but I'm flattered and touched and, to be honest. my answer 'Maybe' is a lot closer to 'Yes' than it is to 'No'. '

He broke into a wide smile, ducking his head slightly

'Yeah?'

'Yeah... look, I kinda have to go and be away, like far far away to think all this stuff over, so, um, I'll call ya maybe tomorrow?'

'Yes, fine!'

Buffy quickly exited from the apartment, head swimming in the colossal decision that she would have to make. Sadly, this was one of those things that she simply couldnt ignore at this juncture in her life...

Chapter 16:

Buffy had enjoyed her ride home with her father, partly because when Dawn started yammering on, she didnt have to talk particularly muchly. Which, given the amount of crap going through her head, was probably the best thing that coulda happened.

On arriving home, she flopped dreamilt onto her bed and just lay thinking. The more the random thoughts moved through her head, the more excited she was about virtually everything pertaining to Spike and their relationship.

But marriage though... one of those things that she had never wanted to think of, knowing how her parents had failed at their attempt, her whole view colored on the subject. But, who knew? The only thing shr did know was that she had a whole lot of ideas that she had to get out.

But, then, how the hell was that to be accomplished? The only people she ever told anything to were her friends, and they didnt have a clue, and, strange as it sounded to her, she just didnt want them to know about it yet, like it was a little secret she just had to keep to herself...

Only one thing for it. She picked up her bedside phone and called the only person who would understand... Spike.

He answered after a few rings, she could hear him vaguely cursing in the background before clearing his throat and speaking 'Yeah?'

'Did I like wake you or something?'

'Buffy!? Um, I was kinda in the bathroom. So, y'know, not really the best time'

She snorted with laughter, but this conversation, however odd it was, just seemed to fell right, and she knew that she had to jump head first into it, or shed never forgive herself...

'Uh, Spike... I, um, kinda came to a decision, like, now...'

'Oh yeah?'

'After a hell of a lot of mental yelling at myself, berating for all the shit that I figured I'd never say, or never want to say, but I realized whilst I was listening to your voice that I really want to just go for it and let it all go. So, well, my answer is yes.'

Both their hearts stopped in shock.

Chapter 17:

Buffy stopped her story for a moment, to find Willow gaping at her openmouthed. She'd known that her friend would be like this, it hadnt come as that big of a shock to her. Buffy had to make a move. 'Well?'

'Well?'

'So, thats pretty much part one of the story. You still think i'm normal Buffy, not deserving of your wrath?'

Willow frowned but it was what Buffy had asked for, wasnt it? 'Well, what do you want me to say? This was one of those things that best friends are always supposed to tell each other. I mean, this was *huge* and it what, just slipped your mind?'

Buffy stood up quickly 'Did it ever occur to you that the reason i didnt tell you is because it all ended almost as quickly as it had started? I mean, Jeez, you think i wouldnt have told you if we had still been together when i came back. Besides, *i* didnt want to talk about this, but, oh no, you *had* to push it!'

Buffy grabbed her jacket off her bed and started towards the door. Better she leave now before Willow could see her cry at the unfairness of the situation. The situation she could happily have lived without ever having anyone besides her and Spike knowing about.

She slammed the door behind her, ignoring her friends pleas to come back. It wasnt that she didnt want Willow to know; it was just that she didnt think she could face all the shit that would undoubtably hit the fan when all of this was out in the open.

*********

Fresh air greeted her, the wind was rustling vaguely through the surrounding trees, but she didnt seem to care. God only knew what time it was, but shed rather walk through all of Sunnydale, awash in the denial that Spike had accused her of that final time, that actually address any of the feelings that she felt inside of her.

**********

He walked. On and on, but it didnt seem to matter. He'd finally reached the UCSD campus, and he knew that she had to live around here. That was all that mattered at the current moment, to explain that all that had happened didnt mean anything because it was all forgotten to him. Any mutual screw ups they had committed on one another loathesome to him at this juncture.

He rounded a corner outside of one of the dorms and careened into someone, so lost was he in his own thoughts

**********

She'd been walking, just playing things over in her mind, coming to the edge of Fisher Dorm, when she'd been interrupted and was angry, looking up, she saw the source of her problems

At the same instant, they both said 'Spike?' 'Buffy?'

Chapter 18:

Buffy felt like she was going to be sick. Maybe it was something about running into the love of her life minutes after she had divulged three-quarters of their story to her best friend.

Spike wasnt having any better a time with all of it. They'd spent a minute or two just staring at each other, sizing each other up, assessing the threat that this conversation could have on their future happiness.

Eventually, he had to make the move.

'Buffy.'

'Spike.'

'So, um, how've you been?'

'Alright, you?'

'Shit, but then, what more could be expected from me?'

Buffy knew then that this was the moment where everything had to come out, otherwise she'd spend eternity wondering about what she could have said. 'Look, i'm sorry, ok? I never meant for any of this to happen. I never asked for us to break up, i never asked to feel like i did about you, and i sure as hell never asked for you to show up, just when everything looked like it was going to go well, ok?'

Spike could feel something bubbling away inside of him, but he had to resolve it, let her know how much she had hurt him. Quietly he simply stated 'But, you broke up with me. This was your fault, remember? You didnt want to believe me after what *she* said about me, and it turned awfully shit awful fast!'

'I know, but what the hell was i supposed to think, huh? I hear all this shit about you, and i'm not supposed to think its not true?

He blew up 'NO! You were supposed to believe *in* me, believe in my ability to do nothing wrong to you. Thats what it means when you love someone more than you ever really should.' He took a deep breath and them plunged on, the hurt of all of this beginning to piss him off more than a bit.

'So, really, Buffy, i'm led to wonder whether you ever really cared about me at all? Or was it all some pretense that i was always supposed to fall for? Did you ever really love me at all? *Thats* why i showed up here. How else could i ever know, unless i asked you face to face?'

Confrontation... not one of Buffy's favorite things, but very much one of those necessary evils. However, it didnt help when all she felt was a combination of guilty and pissed off. As if she didnt feel bad enough about what had transpired... this made it all worse. All that was running through her head was that final conversation... and all the events leading up to it...

FLASHBACK (I swear, this all makes sense if you read all the stuff above)

All the past few days she had spent in a blissful daze all seemed to be rendered obsolete when confronted with the awful truth about him.

Caroline sat before her, crying about the destruction of her relationship with Ian, but, it appeared that it had all been some kind of fruitless attempt for her to make time with another guy, whilst attempting to get over her feelings for Spike.

It seemed though, that Spike had been playing Buffy over, that he had been seeing Caroline behind her back, and had subsequently gotten rid of her. Buffy knew she would cry eventually, but there was time for all that... but not just now... now she had to talk to Spike.

***

The bus ride to his home had been hellish, just a segueway where she was thinking up an million things to say to him, about how he was some kind of lecherous scumbag... maybe that was it. However, all things paled into obscurity when she was finally face to face with him, him smiling like an idiot at the sight of her.

She pushed past him and stormed into his sitting room. Flying right in, she began 'God, i was such an idiot, i cant believe i fell for all that crap that you threw at me... i must be entirely made of rust! And, i'm a fucking idiot to boot.'

He was thrown 'What are you talking about?'

Why the hell didnt you tell me?'

'About what?'

'About you and Caroline' She hurled it at him like some kind of accusation, which, she guessed was really what it was.

'What? She *told* you about that? Look,...'

She could feel the tears pricking, but this was something that she wasnt gonna wimp out of, not like this. 'Save it! I dont want to hear your fucking excuses. There is nothing that you coukld possibly say that can make this any better!'

He was incensed, how the hell could he not be 'As i was saying, we all make mistakes! But, for fuck sake, it was a while ago! How the hell can you judge me on past events?'

'I dont call last week a while ago'

'What? What the hell has she been spreading to you. I swear to God, i have never touched her in the time that i've known you. Christ, she's such a bitch, i'm sorry i *ever* touched her'

'But, she *told* me. She said that you had...'

He cut her off sharply 'And you just believe her?' He snapped his fingers 'Just like that?'

'I know Caroline, ok, i trust her more than you can ever know, and she just wouldnt lie to me.'

'Yeah, sure, believe whatever the hell you want to believe about me. Believe that i never loved you, believe what i would risk everything for nothing, and believe whatever you want. I dont care anymore. If you dont give a shit about me, what can i do?'

She couldnt believe what was happening, but she knew that this would never feel right, that she could never know, or believe what he wanted her to think. 'You can leave me alone. I never want to see you again, this was all some hideously horrible mistake; one that i'm happy to say i dont have to live with... It's over'

With that, she strode out, the sobs beginning to leak out even before she was out of his door.

Chapter 19:

PRESENT

He was still standing there, reliving everything that had happened, the things she had said to him, one thing plaguing his mind 'Do you still believe her?'

'No, i found out, later'

FLASHBACK

She was packing her things, it was so very much a good time to return to Sunnydale, in light of all the things that she had felt had gone so horribly wrong.

There was a knock at her bedroom door. Looking up, she saw it was Caroline. She looked sheepish, muttering that she wanted to help Buffy leave. 'So, Buffy, how're you doing?'

'Not so good. I just think that going home is really the best idea that i have ever had. Best to forget all of this'

Buffy picked up a make-up case, dropping a little box on the ground. Caroline stooped to pick it up, opening it, in time to gasp at the beauty of the little ring inside it. 'Who gave you this? Its beautiful!'

'Who do you think?' Buffy was cranky at the thought.

'Spike gave you this? But, why would he give you something like...' She trailed off, the situation becoming apparent to her. 'Oh jeez, I'm so sorry'

'Don't be. At least now i know what he's like, right?'

'No, i mean i really am sorry. I lied'

Buffy looked up sharply from zipping up her bag 'About what?'

'Spike didnt sleep with me... i just said that so you'd dump him and he'd go out with me and...'

She shook with some kind of hidden fury, it beginning to explode in her face. She clenched her fists slowly 'Why?'

'Because, i knew he was all wrong and...'

'Get out!'

'But, Buffy...'

'You heard me. You think i'd still be friends with you? You destroyed my relationship with the only person i've ever loved, and, what, you think we'd go for tea? I never want to see you again.'

'I'm sorry, i-'

Buffy took a step towards her former friend, and she moved towards the door, promptly exiting.

Buffy sank back onto her bed, spilling sorry tears onto her bedspread, unwilling to admit that she had successfully screwed up all the things that she had so very much adored.

Her father stood at the doorway 'You ready?'

She considered 'Yes, i think i am' She picked up the ring, and placed it in the side pocket of her rucksack.

PRESENT

The pair still stood, looking, simply regarding all the info given to them. Spike spoke first 'Y'know, i came looking for you, the day you left... you're sister's babysitter said you'd gone. I guess i shoulda given up'

Buffy laughed sadly 'No, i'm glad you didnt. I never got the chance to tell you how sorry i was. About everything. Cos, god knows, i never stopped caring about you. Jeez, i went through other guys, looking for someone like you... but it never worked. All i ever wanted was you'

He looked up at her, hope in his eyes 'Yeah?'

'Yes. Now, i know that there is so much shit going on, but i am so very much wanting to fix all that, if it can be done? You being here has just mucked everything around, and i'd like to find out if all this mass of feelings is still worth anything'

Spike approached her. He touched their hands together, then slid them up to cup her chin, drawing her towards him for a kiss. He backed away again, smirking, stating 'Yeah, alright... lets just see what happens though, ok?'

'Yes, ok' She reached up to kiss him again. 'You, uh, wanna meet Willow... shes heard a lot about you...'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE END.

Yeah, ok, hoky as hell, but happy endings rule. Thanks for sticking with Protosun, be sure to let me know what y'all thought, ok? YCBW Back To Spuffy Fic