Songfic 2 parter using two Muse songs to tell one night from 2 different perspectives. Basically its right after As You Were.
All songs are the property of Matthew Bellamy, and to distinguish them, they have been placed in italics.
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Host
From Spike's perspective
My God, she's just left me... How am i supposed to feel?
'I've read you well, i just want to get away Because you used my love, i just need to get away My trust in you has been abused My trust in you has been overused'
It's been 10 minutes. 10 minutes that i wish would pass me by until she realises her mistakes and wants me back. It's all that Clean Marines fault. If he had never come back, then she would never have left me. She thinks she want more. She'll never get it. I'm AM all she could ever want or need if she'd just let me. Time to go for a walk i think.
'Sick of this space, wish we could be far away cos i wasted all my youth, and i'll never see it again My trust in you has been abused My trust in you has been overused'
So many parts of me just want to run after her, beg her to stay with me, but i know she'd just laugh in my face. She *knows* what she wants, and yet she still pushes me back. *I* know that shes never been more alive than when shes with me, when she's writhing around me, and shes scared of that. I know if i could just make her see that being with me would make everything better.
Sometimes i think it would be simpler if i left town again. She wouldnt be able to touch me, and i would feel nothing, given time. But, then, that would mean forsaking everything that she's made me feel over the last year, and i wouldnt trade that for anything.
'Why can you get everything? Can you tell me why I just want to run away? Can you tell me why I just want to get away?'
I thought i loved Dru... thats why i came stalking back to SunnyHell, determined to make her pay. She taunted me... she pushed me back... she made me feel like nothing... and i loved every second of it. Now i feel nothing again... i know how weak i've become, how all other demons laugh at me and mock me, but, if they could feel everything i've felt, if they knew the *real* Slayer like i do, they wouldnt laugh.
'I just wanted too much I wish we could be far away And if my wish comes true You'll never see me again'
I *can't* go, not whilst there's a chance we can still be together...
I'll make her admit what she wants from me, if its the last thing i do, even if it removes every last shred of what i used to be. I'd push back the monster if i could be with her and have her feel what i feel. I would give up my life to her if she would look into my eyes and say she loves me.. but i know she won't.
At least, not yet
Unintended
From Buffy's perspective
'You could be my unintended, Choice to live my life extended, You could be the one I'll always love. You could be the one who listens, To my deepest inquisitions, You could be the one I'll always love.'
What have i done? I've thrown away all i had. He loved me, he wanted me, and, as usual, my sense of right and wrong has taken over, and i've pushed away another one. Everything that i am, everything that i have done over the last few months, everything that i've done with him, it rebounds through my mind... and the thoughts are killing me.
I told him that being with him was simple and that it was killing me. Who am i kidding? All the feelings that charge through my head are anything but simple, and being with him was one of the only reasons that i've wanted to remain alive. Try explaining that to him. I *know* he loves me, and i know he cares, but part of me wants to keep torturing myself. Being unhappy makes it easier to trudge through each day, to listen to everything my friends want and fulfill their dreams, to hell with my own.
'I'll be there as soon as I can, But I'm busy mending broken, Pieces of the life I had before.'
I;ve been told that i'm 'full of love'. Am I? My whole life has been a mess. I cant seem to balance anything at the moment. My sister still thinks i'm a freak, and i *know* that i cant balance my normal life with anything else... even if that something else is a bottle blond vampire that my thoughts can't stay away from.
'First there was the one who challenged, All my dreams and all my balance'
Look at my record. Angel... one time with him, i loved him, but i couldnt get the things i wanted from him, or at least what i thought i wanted back then. He left me, and, as far as i know, is perfectly happy living the high life in LA. Dread to think what he'd say if he found out all the things i've done with his protege.
'He could never be as good as you.'
Riley... where to start? Complete opposite. I could have physical intimacy with him, but it *still* wasnt enough. He knew it, i didnt want to admit it then, but it's true.
And, then, he blows back into town with his life or death mission and his new wife, showing me the error of my ways, like 'however could you have let a catch like me get away?'. Part of me knows Riley couldnt have intended to hurt me, but it did, making me realize that me and Spike was totally wrong.
'You could be my unintended, Choice to live my life extended, You should be the one I'll always love. I'll be there as soon as I can, But I'm busy mending broken, Pieces of the life I had before.'
Like hell he was... I had *everything* with him. I had a 'boyfriend' who loved me, who i could sense myself falling for, who made me feel alive when i was with him, and who just seemed to get everything about me, sod all the defences i threw his way.
And, i've blown it. I remember Spike proclaiming himself as 'love's bitch' to me and Angel once. But, then, arent i? I cling to relationships that are no use to me, and at the same time i push away the people who love me the most.
Sensible, arent i?
'I'll be there as soon as I can, But I'm busy mending broken, Pieces of the life I had before...'
God, i really have fucked everything up. I want to go back, to apologize, and to spend a few blissful hours with him, to beg him to never leave me. But, i continue walking home. It wont work, i know it, so why even try? I'll just forget. Forget the way he felt with me, forget everything i knew with him.
I can do it...
'...Before you'