Rating - R (angst, sex, language)
Disclaimer - Yes, i own all of Alias. NOT! Usual people that i dont know. The title is from a song by Darius called Mercury Rising (from the album Dive In)
Distribution - SD-1, Allies, Protosun, Cover Me, Fanfiction.net - You want it, you got it, just let me know.
Setting - End of Season One, ep wise, AU otherwise
Ship - The only one - S/V
Note - This is set one year from the events of Cover All, the parent fic, which, well, you should read before you read this one, lol! It's likely that it's archived wherever this is.
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PART 1 MOSCOW, RUSSIA - SYD'S POV
It's dark outside. The stars are shining, and my breath is fogging the glass of my window. Sub-zero temperatures. It's been like this for a month now. Reminds me of how much i miss California.
Reminders arent good. Reminders make me think of *him*, of Francie, of Will, of my Dad. The life i left behind. The CIA still look for me, but, they dont understand. They dont understand that i can never go back.
Not now. Not after everything i've done. Sydney Bristow is dead. Whoever i am now... she'd kill the old me. She already has. I dont refer to myself as Sydney anymore.
Who could have predicted all the things i would have done? All the things i would have said just to keep from dying in this new shell that i've created for myself.
I dont feel anything any more. I'm empty. I realized a long time ago that whatever feelings i had for Vaughn were useless. A needless reminder of my weaknesses. The weaknesses that led me here. To Moscow. To Sark. To my mother's side. The love i felt turned to resentment and, then, nothing. I left them soon after that without a seconds thought.
Because i dont care anymore. I'll tell myself that to the end of the world. If i keep saying it, maybe my mind will believe it.
Maybe.
LA, VAUGHN'S POV
The Joint Task Force Facility is quiet at the moment. But, then, it's 9pm on a Friday night so it would be. I dont go home much anymore. I dont have much to go home *for*. No, i guess a part of me waits by the phone and sifts through emails, hoping that i'll hear from her again, someday. I've never stopped looking for her, even although i know that if she wanted to be found, she would have been by now.
I know what everyone thinks. They think she's a traitor. I handed them the disk, and they still think she's the evil betrayer of everything they hold dear. Screw them. They look at me like i'm a charity case, which i know i am, deep down. I'm the reason she left the CIA. I'm the reason she went to work for the man who tortured me. Sark. I only learned his name a month or so ago. She'd been seen in Taipei, but she's gone. Again.
I'd wait my entire life to see her again. Foolish, i know. Weiss tells me i need to find someone else, that i'm wasting my life. Maybe he's got a point. Maybe if i pray hard enough, i'll get a sign. Some sign that Sydney Bristow, as i know her, is not completely dead.
Because the Sydney i knew, the Sydney i fell in love with - she'd never do what i know she's done. The Sydney i knew is warm, and loving. When she told me she loved me, i'd never forget it.
I realized within days of returning that i'd made the wrong choices. I keep thinking, how would it have been if i had just chased after her, and followed her wherever she took us. Because all of this: The CIA, Los Angeles, it means nothing without her.
SYDNEY'S POV
I reach for the phone. Time for that phone call i dread making. I make one a month, just to let him know i'm ok. The number dials, and i switch on the scrambler. He's still a good man. He'd slap a trace on it to get to me. The phone clicks on and i hear his voice 'Hello?'
I look down at my watch. 55 seconds at the most 'Hi Dad. Listen, and dont interrupt. This is just to let you know that i'm still ok, and that nothings happened to me' I laugh. He knows it's a mistruth as well as i do. 'And...'
'He's still looking for you'
I stop. I figured. 'I dont want to talk about that now, ok? How are they?' I mean Francie and Will, of course. I miss them in my heart every day.
'They're good.' He pauses. 'They finally carried out a ceremony for you. Youre officially dead, but i dont think they believe it yet.'
17 seconds. I can feel tears starting. I havent cried in almost a year, so i bite them back. Tears have no place on my face. Not now. 'Look, i gotta go, ok.' Silence. 10 seconds. 'Tell Vaughn to stop looking for me. I wont be able to help myself if he finds me again, ok?' Untold memories plague me. 'I love you, Dad'
I hang up. I can't deal with this right now. I pull open the middle drawer to put my phone in, but i disturb the piles of paper in it already. From under them, i see the gleam of photo paper. I withdraw it, and i can feel the smile cross my face, as i finger the creased edges.
I close my eyes, and i can see him, fully formed before me. Darting back to a time, a year ago, when everything was simple. When i didnt have a glaring, choking disrespect for the government agency i served. When the dream of killing Arvin Sloane consumed me. It still does.
Someday, when i feel better equipped with my old self, i will take them back down again. I replace the picture in the drawer, and my passport falls out, almost as a reminder of my old self. Sydney Bristow. That's what it dictates to me.
The computer before me beeps. Another buyer who wants my skills. Not an issue anymore. I wipe the still forming tears from my eyes and go to pack.
PART 2
'Vaughn?'
'Mmm?'
'Never leave me'
'Promise'
***
PLANE, Sydney
I wake with a start, from one of those dreams. One night together, and that's all we ever got. Sometimes life is not fair. I sound like a child, even inside my own head. I think about how it could have been sometimes, late at night, in the dark; where i can cry.
My new boss, he has beautiful green eyes. The only beautiful part of him. They have nothing on Vaughn's, but they help. My job? Usual smash and grab of something from an old US Air Base. No big deal.
It's odd. Ever since *that* night, i've had no problem sleeping on flights. Before, i'd be all tense, and worried. Now though, i have nothing to worry about. No family or friends to care about. In my wallet, i have a picture of me, Francie, Charlie, Will, and Danny. From the old days, when everything was easier. When i believed in myself, when i thought i was a patriot. Thats all gone now. I know that nothing can ever be the same again. The CIA dont hate me, Christ, i gave them what they wanted, as the expense of my freedom and the love of people i know.
I'll never be that blind again. I trust one person in the whole world - me. I dont let myself down, and i never hurt myself if i can help it. It's not like i've been alone. There's been a parade of guys desperate to get under my skin, but i dont give them the satisfaction. I love one man, and nobody else could ever compare. Believe me; I've looked.
Groaning, i remove a brown paper bag from my bag. My present to leave the CIA, the FBI, or anyone who's looking. Plans, hell, even a confession that it's me. They know anyway, and they're always too late to catch me. Always. I make sure of that. I bet someone, somewhere, goes through every file extensively. I wonder what it is they see that i dont.
Eventually, i know Vaughn gets them. That's the idea. To let him know i'm still alive. My Dad always tells me Vaughn misses me. Which is more mutual than i'll let myself admit. Apparently, he's losing his career because he keeps seeking me. He almost got to me once. I saw him, but i dont think he realized. I wonder what he thinks when he sifts through what i've left behind.
To be honest, i think a part of me would like to get caught, just to see what it's like. To be behind bars. Away from memories of Sark and my mother telling me just how good i could be in her organisation. I remember walking away from the burning facility. I dont know if they're still alive. Probably. One thing i learned about being with them; they recover from anything.
I dont though. God, this is so wrong for me. I dont belong doing this. I want so badly for Vaughn to take me away, to shh me and tell me it'll all be ok. I fell for it once, i could make myself believe it, i know i could. I hate myself that much that i'd live any delusion he hurled at me.
But, thats why i love him. Because i know, deep down, he still loves me. And i love him. What else could possibly matter?
LA, VAUGHN
I wipe the sleep from my eyes. I fell asleep in the office again. And, i think i may have drooled over my files. Great. Weiss always makes jokes about stuff like that. Reminds me to laugh, stay positive.
Speaking of, he walks up and sits next to me. 'Mornin' Mike'
I smile, bleary eyed. 'Weiss. How was your date last night?'
He feigns indifference. 'I, was, um, tired. So, i had to go home.'
I wink. 'Someone's out there for ya, man' I do feel bad for him. He's a great guy, i just wish he'd been in love like i am with Syd. Then he'd understand me better than he does.
'Thanks.' He holds up a brown paper bag. 'Donuts?'
I take one, and savor the sweet gooeyness. He had to have gone to a lot of trouble to get fresh donuts in this part of LA. Means a lot to me. I look over, unsure where to start. Weiss takees over. 'Did Jack talk to you yet?'
He's got me now. 'No. Why?'
He looks like he doesnt want to tell me, but i must look eager. God, i am so pathetic. 'He, um...' He lowers his voice, and leans over to me. 'He heard from HER last night. We dont know exactly what to do. She usually calls him before...'
I know the drill, and i'm happy. 'She's going to do something.' Now, it all starts. We wait until she makes a move, and clean up after her. She leaves one of her brown paper bags for me. Ironic reminder. Whether she does it consciously or not, she just reminds me of what i gave up. I had a dream about her last night. We left all of this. Sad delusions.
Weiss goes over to his desk and begins sifting through things. 'We saddling up or what?'
I smile, a real one. Weiss is the only person in this office that doesnt think i'm a psycho. Hell, they havent seen my home. Fuzzy satellite images of her. Photographs of evidence, and the stack of paper bags, confessions. 'Yeah, let's go. Call Jack for me?'
He nods, and i go to the coffee machine, to hear Kendall behind me. 'Agent Vaughn?'
I turn, a phoney interested look i've patented. Weiss is a champion of them. 'Yes?'
'I think you need to take some time off. Regroup. You're not much good to us in your current state'
I nod. Perfect! The guy is the one who made Syd run, and he treats me like i've commited some sacrilige just because i managed to have sex; something i'm sure he hasnt done in years. Worse, i escaped and made his prize asset escape. Newsflash, she was *my* asset! And, yeah, i blame myself every day for making her go, for not being more honest, and i kick myself for not screaming I love you, dont leave, let me go wherever you do, and following blindly. We'd both be fugitives, but we'd be together.
I move away from Kendall, and back to Weiss. 'What did HE want?' The distaste in his voice was palpable.
'He's putting me on enforced leave. Until further notice.' I slam my mug down on the desk, disturbing files. 'Which means i cant go to wherever Syd is.' I sink my head into my hands. This is the worst news i've had in a while.
'That guy NEEDS to have the flag removed from his ass' Weiss considered. 'Or, y'know, thrust up there HARD. He cant stop you from-'
I cut him off. 'Well, he has' I begin to pick up my files. 'If you see her...'
He nods, understandingly 'I'll call. But, Jack wont stand for you not being involved in this. He understands how you feel'
I walk out the facility into the cloudless day, the haze of smog on the horizon. Alone.
PLANE - Sydney
I touch down, and exit the plane. LAX. How i've missed you.
PART 3
VAUGHN
I enter my apartment, slamming my box of files onto the coffee table, with the dozens of Xerox copies already littering it. Why be pissed off? She's gone by the time i'm there anyway! Ugh. I hate this! All my life i wanted to be a CIA officer, just like my Father was. I remember the pride on his face when he'd say that he worked for the government.
I guess we're born to imitate our parents time and time again. I mean, Jesus, look at Syd herself: Daddy's a Spy, and Mommy... well, i know exactly like what she is. She killed my Father. I'm over that. You get too drenched in the things that you can't help, and you'll spend your entire life consumed with it.
There's a difference. I can still help Sydney. Maybe it's a forlorn hope, but i gotta believe it.
AIR BASE OUTSIDE LA - Sydney
I pop the window out of the frame. This is too easy. I dont like this unless it's hard. Unless there's a chance i might die. I like to hurt myself, i admit it. I'm feeling like a bad guy, but there's a difference. The bad guys always look like they're having fun. It's the good guys who are conflicted. Which means somewhere, deep down, i'm still good.
Time to prove it. I walk to the large wallsafe, where my target prize is. I remove all the old tech equipment. I still have the palmtop Marshall gave me a year ago. This is child's play for someone like me.
It's going to get ugly. I hear footsteps behind me, and i pause, turning. 4 armed guys. Great.
I spin upwards flipping over a desk and pulling out my own guns, firing on the men. They're all down within a few seconds. I leave them as alive as i can. I reason with myself; if i hadnt killed them, they would have killed me. I may want to die, but i want to do it myself. Not by someone else's hands. Not doing this kind of thing, anyway.
The safe pops open, and i remove the small weapon. Prototype. My boss *will* be pleased. I hear a scuffle outside. Someone's heard my little performance. I reach into my pocket, and drop the paper bag.
May as well leave a message. They'll be here soon and i like to watch.
Watch them clean up my mess.
LATER
The vans pull up, just like i'd predicted. But something's off, and i cant place it right away. It hits me when i'm looking for it. Him. He's not here. I leave the fucking paper bags and he's not here to get it. To find me. I scan the yards desperately, my binoculars going blurry for a moment while i refocus.
Weiss is here, talking on a cell phone. My Dad has just pulled up in his black car. He looks older, older than i remember. All this; it's aged him more than i'd like. Because i know the new frown lines are my fault.
I feel a small twinge of something deep down. If he's not here, then he must be... No! I wont even think it. Because if he's dead, i may as well be as well. My only hope in this world, and noone will take it from me.
I take a risk. I stand from my standing position, and reapproach the crime scene, picking up a CIA suit, to hide myself. I move swiftly. I know almost none of these people. I guess one year changes everything, even the CIA.
I duck and dive through the throng, towards my target. I move swiftly behind a stack of boxes, and i wait.
There! I reach out and grab the target to me, a knife at their throat. 'Where is he?'
Weiss' breathing quickens, and i sense his confusion 'Sydney?'
I tighten my grip. 'Dont say my name. Where is Vaughn?' I let him go, and he turns around, shock etched on his face.
His voice is hoarse. I must have gripped too tight. 'You shouldnt be here. If they catch you, you'll-'
I cut him off, impatient. 'They wont catch me, you know that. Tell me where Vaughn is' The question is becoming more desperate in tone.
He looks over, smiling sadly. 'Kendall recommended he take some time off, i think he's at home. I was just about to call him. He looks for you in these cases. You know that.'
I back off, looking around. 'I have to go.' I move off but turn around. 'You tell anyone about this and-'
'I wont. I like you Syd, and i wouldnt see that happen to you'
I skip off, head lowered, running. I made a stupid mistake going into the crowd. What if someone had seen me? When i reach my vantage point, i see Weiss on his cellphone, gesturing wildly. He's calling my Vaughn.
Can i do the same thing? No, of course not. I shouldnt be such an idiot. I should just leave now.
VAUGHN'S POV
I slip into the shower, and my body feels like it might collapse. So close. I was so fucking close to finally finding her again! She's here in my goddamn city and i cant do anything to get to her. The place she robbed is only 15 fucking miles away. That's closer to me than the entire time she lived in LA.
This is ALL Kendall's fault. If he had just kept me on the team, i could have found her, and it would have been me she had come to, instead of possibly hurting Weiss. He didnt sound too good on the phone. DAMMIT!
I smack my fist into the tiled wall, and i think i hear something in my hand break. Shit!! Great job, you halfwit. Smashing your fucking hand is REALLY going to help get her back.
I pull open the curtain to reach across to the medical cabinet. I'll need to set my hand.
But, a voice beats me to it. 'You're hurt'
I freeze, rigid, my back to the figure. I turn, not even bothering to cover myself. 'Hello Sydney'
PART 4
*********
SYD'S POV
I'm frozen, confronted with this vision of him, broken, defeated. Oh, and naked. Glaring at me. It's possibly the hottest thing i've ever seen, and it's resurrecting feelings in me i'd long thought dead.
He steps from the shower, the spray still running, and he winces at his hand. He purposely refrains from looking at me, concentrating instead on finding a kit, wrapping a towel around himself.
I place a hand on him, but he throws it off. 'Vaughn, will you please look at me?' I need this, please, god, dont hate me. I think he does though.
He continues bustling. 'Vaughn!'
He turns, fury and sadness duelling for control over his features. His eyes are alive in a way i've never seen before. I like it. 'What the hell do you want me to say Syd? How ya been? Enjoyed killing people?' He throws up his hands in exasperation, pain crossing his face. 'I dont know what to think! I get a call from Weiss saying that you're here and then-' He indicates around himself 'You're *here*. With me. Where you really shouldnt be. What the hell are you doing here?'
I struggle. I dont really have an answer to that. 'I just... You werent there; investigating me. And i was so scared. I thought maybe you were...' I cant even bring myself to complete the sentence. The thought of it chills me to the bone.
'What, dead?' He laughs, but it's bitter, hollow, and it resonates around the bathroom, taunting me. 'I'm not that lucky'
What have i done to him? I dont remember him ever being this jaded, this lost. I hate myself more than i ever did before. 'No. Neither of us are.' He nods at this.
I try to explain, to make him see but how can i when i'm confronted with the man i simultaneously fell in love with and destroyed at the same time? And he did the same to me, though he doesnt know it. 'When... when i thought you might be dead there was... just this huge hole inside me. It's always been there, and it's been growing every day we've been apart' I run my hand through my hair, nervously. 'I love you. I love you SO much. And i tried to make it stop.' The tears drip out, and hit the lino floor of Vaughn's bathroom. 'But it never will'
He's just looking at me, shellshocked, and i feel so stupid. I turn to the window i just climbed in and move towards it. 'I shouldnt have come'
I reach towards the sill, but i'm prevented by him grabbing my wrist, and hauling me towards him, kissing me fiercly.
VAUGHN'S POV
She doesnt taste any different, and i dont know why i thought she would. This kiss - it's desperation personified, but i couldnt let her leave. Not now. Not when i know that she's been consumed by the same feelings that i have.
I back her into my bathroom wall, and my hands journey down to meet hers, holding them. She's soft, and she doesnt touch me where it hurts.
Something about all this feels wrong though. The passion, coupled with the desperation; it shouldnt be like this. I know that.
I break off from her, and back away. She stands there, a confused and dazed expression on her face, and lifts a hand to her face, touching her lips. Her face is flushed, and she's never looked more beautiful. But, then she'd always be beautiful to me, no matter what.
My voice has lowered, and i disguise my building desire towards her. 'I'm sorry'
She steadies herself against the wall and looks at me. 'Dont be'
Now or never. 'If you're going to go, do it now.' I move away and turn off the shower spray. 'I wont be able to stop again.'
She's silent at this. But she steps towards me, and runs a hand gingerly down my chest, and a smile, a real one, crosses her features. 'I'd never ask you to' She kisses me again, softly, but it builds, her hands moving upwards to my damp hair, pulling me deeper to her. I unbuckle her belt, grapple hooks rattling as they collide with my floor. She unwraps my towel and hurls it to the ground, never breaking contact.
SYD'S POV
My body is singing from the contact between us. He pulls my shirt up and over my head, and his hands move down to cup my ass, and i lift a leg to allow him better access. I can feel him hard against me.
I push him off, and backwards into the sink, moving towards him. I need to be in control, at least in my own mind. I run my hands down his chest, always downwards, until i reach my target. I break the kiss to nibble up his jaw to his ear, and i hear him grunt into my ear as i touch him.
He unzips my jeans and i step out of them. He lifts me up and sets me on the edge of the sink, kneeling down to kiss my stomach while removing my bra and kissing upwards to my breasts, his hands aiding him in that area.
I whimper, i cant help it. I use my own hands both to muss his hair, and to keep him doing what he's doing.
His hands slip downwards again, around the waistband of my panties. I rise to my feet, hauling him upwards to kiss me again. He divulges me of my last shred of clothing, and we break off, him searching frantically through his medicine cabinet. Please god...
He seeks his target and slips on a condom. We simply study each other for a few seconds. It's wrong for a guy to be this gorgeous, i swear! I nod to him slightly, and settle back against the tiled sink. I wrap my legs around his waist and pull him towards me. He lifts me up, and slides into me, smoothly, yet slowly. He digs on hand under my ass for leverage, and one to stimulate where we're joined. I think i scream.
This is heaven, pure and simple. This is the things that have plagued my dreams for the last year. He kisses me softly, and whispers to me, gasping. 'I love you. I always have'
I flip off of him, and lead him out of the bathroom, and i stop, puzzled, and he lifts me up, and takes me into his room, and sets me onto his bed. I flip over, leaving me on top. The position leads to further increasing the tempo already set and all the tension inside explodes.
He hasnt been yet, and i know he wants to prolong this, but i dont want to let him. Not yet. It's driving me nuts. I pull him upwards to me and we just rock, slowly at first, for both of us to adjust, and then it builds.
A flash of feral passion creases his face and he moans, loudly, before falling forward, pushing me down.
He pulls out of me, and i twitch irritably at the loss of contact. This wont be the first time tonight though, so i can deal. This is going to complicate my life again, i can tell.
TBC
Part 5
VAUGHN'S POV
I awake from sleep to find her side of the bed empty. My minds racing, and i knew deep down that she wouldnt stick out the whole night with me. I'm not an idiot. It's too dangerous for her to stay in LA any longer. The CIA catches her and she'll rot in jail for the rest of her life. I could never do that to her.
I sit up, the chaotic spread of the sheets trapping me for a minute. My muscles are killing me, but last night was incredible, so i'll bear it for now. The dull ache in my hand is barely noticable as i rise, hunger knawing at my stomach, and pull on a pair of boxers.
As i move down the hall, a vague smell assaults me. No, it couldnt be... I move into the sitting room, and it's definitely there. Eggs. Scrambled eggs.
She's there. Standing at the stove, wearing on of my shirts, and concentrating on the pan before her. It's cute, and as long as i live, the domestic side of Sydney Bristow will stay with me, that i can guarentee.
I approach her, quietly, and snake my arms around her, kissing her neck, which is covered in red marks. I can feel her smiling as she turns around, and kisses me, softly. 'I thought you'd left'
She turns again to focus on the eggs. 'I was going to. I was all set to get dressed, but then...' She colors slightly. 'I saw you sleeping. With this smile on your face, and i just couldnt go' She turns the oven down, oblivious to the fact that i'm having these girly heart flops, like you read in those trashy books. Weiss' ex used to have a whole set that he'd bring in for chuckles.
I move to the cupboard, and hand her two plates. She ladles the eggs out and sets them on my kitchen table. I figure i must have this quizzical look on my face, because she explains. 'Francie taught me how to cook. I can make a whole bunch of things. She looks upset for a minute, and i pull her into a hug, moving with her to settle her on a chair.
She looks to the clock, and her expression changes. 'I have to go soon. It isnt safe for me'
I want to scream no, and tell her i'll protect her, but it's a little too cliched. Our lives have never been that simple. Never will be either. 'I know'
I settle down opposite her, casting little glances at her as she eats, and she's doing the same to me. Gotta say, the eggs are good. I could've get used to this. Had me and Syd gotten the chance to live normal lives.
She looks over, and winks. 'Can i have a shower? Before i go'
I've frozen up a little, i guess at the intrusion of reality into this perfect little scene. It's an awful feeling and thought, because everything seems so perfect. Nothing is ever like that in our lives.
The phone rings, and i groan and go to pick it up. She looks up, alert, and i smile, i guess to reassure her. 'Hello.'
'Mike?' It's Weiss, and he sounds like he's going to have a heart attack. 'Listen, Kendall knows where she is.' His voice suggests more and betrays the truth.
And causes my blood to run cold. 'Uh, thanks. I'll be right there'
I slam the phone down, causing her to jump. 'You have to leave'