FEEDBACK - God yes, let me know how i'm doing. This is my first Alias fic, so be gentle
RATING - PG-13, but i dont know US Ratings!
NOTE - Thanks to Kristin for telling me to finish this
DISCLAIMER - Sadly, i do not own Alias, nor do i write for it (although i'd love to). All Alias affiliated characters are owned by JJ Abrams, Touchstone, ABC and Bad Robot.
SETTING - S2, post The Getaway, pre Phase One (SD-6 still exists) S/V goodness
PART - 1/1 - in Syd's POV
***
I think its something we're conditioned with during childhood - to want what we cannot have, or, more correctly, what we shouldnt want. I remember as a little girl when i used to bake with my mom. She'd tell me not to lick the icing outta the bowl, and i'd comply... at least until she was out of the room.
Same thing as an adult. Take right now for instance. I'm sitting in debrief, and Sloane is detailing some mission that i dont want to go on, that i have no need to go on, but, heck, as a dutiful agent, what else can i do but feign enthusiasm? My mind's drifting to somewhere in Nice, at a resturant where a certain CIA Agent and myself had a rather nice little meal.
Of course, my life just isnt easy enough for things to go so well. I'm still giving situations 'proper consideration', and, well, i feel a thorough evaluation is needed. But, God, i was tempted, it's like some little weakness that i've been saddled with. Of all the guys i've ever been with, ever known, Vaughn has to be the most patient, if nothing else. A lesser guy would've gotten tired of all this skirting around the issue and just gone for it, asked me out again, kissed me, whatever.
Sadly, Vaughn has morals, and a lingering respect for the rulebook, despite the fact that both of us have clearly wiped our asses with it more than once in recent memory. Still, i find myself more and more fascinated by every little thing he does, like it's some kind of bug that's burrowed under my skin; Vaughn Lust.
I've identified more than one type of Vaughn lust. There's the kind you get in debrief when he's earnestly explaining something to you, but you catch him looking at you out of the corner of your eye and you blush, and melt a little on the inside. There's the kind when he openly defies the rules to save your life, and justifies it by stating that he's only trying to make things easier, or something, even when i, or someone else was ready to kill him. Oh, and not forgetting the sight of Vaughn in the club in Taipei, sporting the leather look that has constantly been a part of my fevered, bored daydreams ever since we got back.
I know the risks of what i do. If Kane's guys had gotten away and tattled on us, both me and Vaughn would have been dead, of that i have no doubt. Yet, i've found myself getting sloppy lately when venturing to the warehouse, often not stopping to check if i've been followed, in a desperate attempt to see Vaughn quicker.
I know it couldnt work, any of the feelings between us would likely kill the other, literally or otherwise. But, screw it, a part of me always wants to know, does his voice lower when he's talking to a girlfriend, does he kiss the way i've imagined, and well, all the other nasty little things Will swears i think about all the time. Hmm, ok, maybe a little.
Dixon nudges me out of my thoughts and gestures to Sloane, who's looking at me expectantly. 'Well, Sydney, will that be agreeable to you?'
Oops. Panicked, i blurt out 'Yes, that'll be fine', idly wondering as to what it is i've just agreed to. What the hell am i going to tell the CIA? Marshall reviews the tech, which includes a little handheld device for gathering passwords from computers. Ok, guess that means something computer related. Sh*t.
We're dismissed, but i'm stopped by Dixon. 'You ok?' Ever the friend. 'You look a little tired'. I bet i do. The last coupla nights i've been kept up by fevered little dreams involving a certain someone. Strangely, it involves me cooking, and a sudden need to reheat. Oh well, the eternal mystery of my brain.
'Uh, yeah, tired. I, um, kinda spaced out on the debrief...' I look at Dixon expectantly. He smiles at me, and briefly goes over the specs. Basic stuff really; break into some facility, upload encrypted data to little handheld device, come home again. God, i could do this in my sleep.
Exiting the Credit Dauphine building to the parking lot, i remove my lunch from my bag. Sandwich, apple, water, yoghurt. I'm a predictable kind of girl. All wrapped in a nice brown paper bag.
***
I'm finally home, and setting about microwaving popcorn to watch a movie with Francie. Halfheartedly, i admit; i know that its going to be interrupted. Sure enough, about 20 minutes into Gladiator, the phone rings, to which Francie answers. 'Hello?' Her face changes, i know who it is. 'For the last time, this is *not* Joey's f**king Pizza, STOP CALLING US!' She hangs up and looks over at me 'We need to get our number changed'
Sure enough, a few minutes later, Vaughn's backup plan goes into effect. In case i dont answer the phone, he pages me, and i make the usual excuses to leave, with Francie mumbling that i work too hard. Guess i do at that.
***
Its about 20 minutes later by the time i've arrived at the warehouse. I remember when we used to meet in public. Old times, its too dangerous now.
I push open the door, and walk in. Sure enough, perched on a crate, is my Vaughn. God, i need help, i've even taken to calling him 'my Vaughn'. For all i know he could still be seeing Alice. But, i hope not.
His hair is all messed up, and he's sweating. And, he's wearing that leather jacket i love so much. I need help, i swear! He notices me, and smiles. 'Sydney. Hope i didnt interrupt anything really important. Francie sounded pissed off'
I laugh. 'Yeah, well, this is like the thousandth time you guys have called. You really need a new code, or Francie *will* change our number, i promise' I'm teasing, and he smiles. 'Rough night?'
He looks at me. 'No, why?'
'No reason, you just look, i dunno, sweaty' I gulp, jeez, he looks really, really hot today. I groan inwardly. I thought hormones were supposed to calm the heck down when you got older than, i dont know, 16.
Vaughn looks down self-conciously. 'Um, no, i was just at the gym when Weiss said you'd made a drop. Didnt really have time for a shower.' He sniffs slightly at himself, and, i swear, i am dying here. Not to mention the fact that he's clearly not comfy with being here at this precise moment. Damn unresolved sexual tension. I hate it. Ok, maybe not *hate*, but i am *dying* to resolve it.
He outlines the mission, i'm simply to make a copy of whatever i find using a little tracer Vaughn hands me. Easy. Yet, i've come to a momentous little decision... i need to resolve it. Like, now!
I rise slighty. 'Um, i think we need to talk about, uh, *things*' I gesture meanfully, like i practised in the car.
The guy looks mildly nervous, but he nods. 'You mean about Nice, right?'
'Yeah. Look, this thing between us, despite out better judgement, keeps happening, and, well, i'm going kinda insane turning things over in my mind and...'
I stop, and he tilts his head slightly, as if considering. 'Syd, I'd love to say that the date was the biggest mistake i'd ever made. But, it wasnt. It was actually the best date i've ever had.' He considers this. 'ok, until the fighting, but, you know what i mean. Whatever is happening between us... its great, and i know something will happen but...'
Half of me is singing he likes me, yoo hoo, and, that it *was* a date, just like i'd been saying, but, however, the other part of me is desperate to know.. 'But?'
'But, i'm not going to kiss you until SD-6 is in ruins. It's too complex. You know that. Not that i dont want to. i do, but i want it to be on the day when your life is...' he considers for a moment. 'less complicated'
I'm a little puddle of drool and lusty wrong feelings by this time, i mean, c'mon, he wants to kiss me. Like i want to kiss him. But, those damn morals again. I smile nonplussed and state, just for the record 'I want to kiss you a lot, but, i know that you like to make it all easier... and i respect that.'
I go to exit the warehouse, but, as an afterthought, i turn to look at him. 'Besides, i got my little dreams to keep me occupied.'
Leaving him to ponder that with a little smile on his face, i exit and sit in my car for a few moments. I made him blush!
Resolving is such fun