To have your son or daughter reach out to another child for no other reason than the love of kindness brings Gods confirmation to the heart. In that moment, your childs kindness touches the throne of God.

8

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Respect for Age and Peers

This chapter covers the third and fourth sides of the diamond, respect for elders and for peers. Parents should give attention in the training process to these two attributes. The very fact that God made man relational requires moral sensitivity toward other members of our society, especially our elders and our peers.

RESPECT FOR AGE

If there has been anything lost to our social detriment over the last half of this century, it has been the way we have respected age. In the past, parents taught their children to respect their elders. Age was an honored institution. Today our society tolerates the elderly among us. Tomorrow, if no change comes, we will view the elderly as a burden on society. Let me point out that the day will come when todays parenting generation will be the elderly.

Leviticus 19:32 says, "Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honor the face of the

old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD." The literal rendering of this verse is that in the face of the aged person, you shall rise and you shall honor him, and thus fear your God. There is a linkage here between mans relationship with man and mans relationship with God. In this passage, giving reverence to the old means giving reverence to God.

The ancient Hebrews believed that "he who receives and takes care of an old man is rewarded as if he were taking care of God Himself." Job said, "With the ancient is wisdom; and in length of days understanding." (Job 12:12). The message from both verses is clear:

To honor age is to honor God. That must be the attitude from which you begin your training.

Training children to honor and respect age is training them to honor God. It is that basic. We are all precious to God, and therefore, respect is due. Yet, some among us are older, and a greater portion of honor should be directed to them.

One of the first things discarded in a self-oriented independent family structure is respect for the extremes of life, as represented by the callousness of abortion at one end and the absence of respect for the elderly at the other. These collective, social-moral failures are like billboards alerting us that we have moved as a society into the third and final phase of family life--the independent family. By its very nature, the independent family is hostile toward the sanctity of age, resulting in a disregard for the sacred trust between generations.

Beliefs and Actions

For adults, beliefs precede actions. For children, actions precede beliefs. That means adults order their lives according to their belief system. Children, on the other hand, do not. Their actions are naturally impulsive. Without moral guidance, their responses would be self-serving. Because of the natural inclination of a child, parents should not wait until he develops a comprehensive knowledge of biblical virtues before requiring right behavior. Parents should require a proper response even though the child may not understand the why behind his actions.

In Chapter 6, we used the example of 22-month-old Becky Jones and her springtime walk in the public park. At that age, she was trained not to pick the flowers. Her actions, although guided by the fear of reproof, were morally correct, even though she did not initially understand the moral reason behind her actions. Her right actions preceded her beliefs. In adulthood, just the opposite is true. Our beliefs precede actions.

Before parents can require right actions, they must possess right beliefs. As a parent, do you understand the principle of honor derived from Leviticus 19:32 and Job 12:12? Right parental attitude must lead to action and application. You cannot tell a child to "be kind" without providing a vehicle for kindness. You cannot tell a child to "be gentle" without showing what gentleness is. The same is true with respect for age.

TEACHING THE BASICS

Respecting age is a biblical mandate. Children need vehicles to help them achieve the principle. Here are a few examples of age-respecting vehicles.

Youth and Age

When an adult and a youth reach the door at the same time, what should be the response? Youth is to honor age by allowing the adult to go first and by opening the door for the older person. This is a simple gesture, but in action reflects an attitude of respect for age that directly honors God. Honoring age allows the oldest to go first in a buffet line. How simple, yet what a wonderful message of honor communicated. Teach your children to honor age by giving up their seat when there are no other seats left, such as on the bus, in a crowded auditorium, or in your living room.

These are the simple gestures with which most parents grew up. Pass them on to your children. Respecting age in this manner is not old-fashioned--just a higher standard. By insisting upon these actions and teaching the principles behind the lesson, you are in the process of cultivating in your children right actions and beliefs.

The Interrupt Rule

Teaching your children how to properly interrupt a conversation is another practical way of showing respect to others. How can this be done? When your children need to interrupt, have them rest their hand on your side or your shoulder and wait silently until you acknowledge them. They should not pull, tap, or shake you for your attention. Rather, they should stand patiently with a hand on your side. This gesture beautifully displays respect for you and the one to whom you are speaking.

There are not many disrespectful actions worse than having a conversation rudely interrupted by a demanding child jerking on Moms or Dads arm, insisting on an immediate audience and totally disregarding the context into which he is stepping. The childs behavior is only half the problem. The other half is the parent who drops the conversation immediately in total disregard to the other person. The parent rationalizes the moment by thinking, Youre an adult, and you can wait; my child is the center of the universe and cannot wait. That attitude is more than wrong, its unbiblical. The parents actions only reinforce the childs insensitivity to the preciousness of others.

There is a much better way. With the childs hand on Moms or Dads side, have them wait the needed 15 or 20 seconds until you can find a place in the conversation to politely say "Excuse me" to the person with whom you are speaking. Then take care of your childs needs. Such an action reinforces in the mind of the child that he is not the most important person in the world. This response directs him towards the preciousness of others. Teaching a child the appropriate way to interrupt your conversation with a third party is a gesture of honor and respect. Here are some benefits of the interrupt rule.

1. It becomes a vehicle for the child to give honor to others while at the same time communicate his need to the parent.

2. The child learns to trust the parent that his or her needs will be met in an orderly way.

3. It helps the child to grow in the discipline of patience.

4. It reinforces the positive side of the childs conscience, thus confirmation comes from within the heart of the child as well as from without.

5. It communicates to the third party involved the standards of respect and honor by which you as a family are living.

The interrupt rule is more than an action--its an attitude recognizing and accepting the preciousness of others.

Shyness and Respect

Shyness is not an acceptable excuse for disrespect. Shyness itself is not morally right or wrong, but it does have moral limits. It cannot be used as a legitimate excuse, because temperamental strengths and weaknesses do not exempt a child from right moral responses. If someone says "hi" to your child, the correct and minimal response should be "hi." Such a simple greeting is the minimum required. If someone compliments your daughter's dress, the response of "thank you" is appropriate.

Train your children to be courteous. Before you leave for church or other social gatherings, inform your children of the probability of receiving a compliment on their hair, dress, or new shoes. Instruct them by teaching them how to rightly respond, and if needful, inform them of the consequence if they fail to respond appropriately. And when you find yourself in a situation in which your child refuses to say "hi," you humbly say, "Im sorry, were working on that." And when you get home, work on it. Often parents pick that moment in public for a battle. Nine times out of ten, it will be the wrong moment. Wait until you get home to work through the consequences and the associated teaching.

A childs failure to respond appropriately is not as much a reflection on his or her temperament as it is on the parents' conviction and resolve to honor age. The minor sin is the childs willful choice to ignore the adult; the major sin is the parents dismissal of the need for such moral training. Respecting age is one of those nonnegotiable values that needs to be in the heart of every child.

Whatever Happened to Mr. and Mrs.?

We believe it is morally correct for children to use titles of respect when addressing adults. Titles such as Mr. and Mrs., or when appropriate, Sir and Maam, and terms of endearment such as Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Grandma, Aunt, Uncle are morally appropriate. These terms signify special relationships. Mr. and Mrs. represent social titles, while terms of endearment represent family relationships. The titles keep the lines of responsibility and obligation from blurring. Titles separate peers from adults, family from strangers, loved ones from acquaintances.

There has been only one generation of parents in the history of our society that has been willing to drop the use of these terms: the parents of the 1970s and mid-1980s. And why did they drop the titles of honor and terms of endearment? Most people, certainly including many Christians, are not aware that the push to drop such titles from our social vocabulary was the work of existential humanists, who in the late 1960s found a weak spot in the Judeo-Christian family and social structure. Existential humanists hold a worldview on life that is the antithesis of Christianity. In their attempt to introduce socialistic ideals into mainstream America, these humanists pushed hard to eliminate all lines of authority in the family in order to make everyone equal in society, including equating children with their parents, teachers, and elders. Anything linked to non-equality they struck down as a social evil.

In this case, they say the titles Mr. and Mrs. as a hindrance to a childs positive development. As the theory goes, authority produces conflict, and conflict corrupts the child; therefore, they advocated dropping the titles representing social distinction. In a bold move, the engineers of democratic parenting manipulated the masses with faulty ideology--not ethics. This move was an ideological attempt to reshape America, not a moral one. They definitely reshaped America, but they did so by making the situation worse.

Time Has Not Allowed Us to Be Equal

What do the titles of Mr. and Mrs. communicate culturally and individually? Culturally, these titles are social markers that pledge for the future that the youngest generation of the populace is committed to those who have gone before them. Individually, when a child applies the titles of Mr. and Mrs., he acknowledges that time has not allowed them to be equal. Although equal in a court of law and before God, they are not equal in societal responsibility. The use of the titles Mr. and Mrs. are the childs acknowledgment that he is still young and in need of wisdom and of lifes experiences. He is still growing intellectually and needs the benefits offered by the aged population. Those reasons are legitimate and virtuous ones for honoring age.

Such titles are vehicles representing the biblical mandate to respect age. But is the opposite true? In Chapter 2, we introduced a simple formula to decide if any action fell within the parameters of law, principle, or freedom. If calling adults by their first names is a matter of freedom, then the question has to be asked: Does that practice exalt and advance the governing principle of Leviticus 19:32, or detract from it?

We believe the answer is no. First names do not advance the stated principle but in fact take away from it. The titles Mr. and Mrs. are societys way of honoring the generations that have gone before. For a child to call an adult by his first name reduces the significance of age. If everyone is made equal, then age loses all of its status. In the perception of a child, the quickest way to de-sanctify Gods high view of age is to call everyone by peer titles--that is, our given names.

But Children Will Feel Closer, Wont They?

The usage of Mr. and Mrs. is not for adults, it is for the child. This is the most basic way for a child to show respect and honor to adults who are not relatives. Many teachers, parents, and youth workers have innocently accepted the opinion that by dropping these titles, a child will feel closer to the adult. They think that somehow by calling on Bill, instead of Mr. Jones, helps the child relate better and breaks down barriers between generations. What barriers? Do not attempt to establish relational closeness artificially. We do not base our ethics on our feelings--we base them on our theology. Closeness with children does not come through such techniques and tricks.

If closeness comes by establishing a peer relationship (through the vehicle of using the first name), then why not go one step further? Have all children call us Mom or Dad. After all, terms of endearment speak to the closest of all relationships. Yet, we all realize that would be nonsense. That concept is as much folly as thinking a child will relate better or feel closer by using peer titles and not using Mr. and Mrs.

Addressing adults by their first name does not straighten relationships or make a child feel anymore secure. This only confuses societal roles. Children need to be children and adults need to be adults. There is no security in that relationship for the children. Nature itself demonstrates that fact. What species of adult animal is not seen by its young as the protector of the whole pack? In what social order in the animal kingdom are the children equal to the adults? None. Children, by nature, are not looking for adult friends; they seek adults who will guide and show them a safe way to go.

When I reach down to touch a little life as Mr. Ezzo, it means so much more to that child than if it was just Gary reaching down. My relationship with children is based on what I mean to them and not on what they call me.

Legitimate closeness is built on a number of relational factors, but the use of first names is not one of them. The depth of my relationship with any child is measured by the basics of relationship: kindness, patience, gentleness, a legitimate interest in what they say, and much more. Not one of these is tied to the presence or absence of titles.

The use of the titles of Mr. and Mrs. does not make you a wonderful and caring adult, and the use of first names without a title does not make children feel any closer or any more loved by an adult. The titles provide a vehicle to help children honor and respect age.

Our society has witnessed 20 years or more of democratic parenting with the first-name, buddy-system twist. As a result, have the generations moved closer together or further apart? Do we have more or less social order between the generations? Do you believe the current youth population is more or less compassionate and respectful towards the aging? Is Americas inter-generational mix better off now than it was before the democratic theories came into play? No, no, no, and no!

Is Attitude Enough?

We stated in the introduction to character training that respect and honor are action words. That means that having an attitude of respect without action does not go far enough. If attitude were enough, why make a child say 'Im sorry"? The attitude of sorrow should be enough. Why insist that they say thank you"? A thankful attitude should be enough. Also, we would no longer need to teach them to pay back something they have taken, because the attitude of wanting to make it right would be sufficient. But, attitude is not enough--it must lead to action and application. Trying to teach your child an attitude of respect without providing a vehicle to demonstrate it exasperates the child. We recommend that you teach your children to respect age by using the titles of honor--Mr. and Mrs. When you do, you are teaching them to respect God. The concept is that simple.

Peer pressure ushered in the dropping of these appropriate titles, and peer pressure must bring them back in--positive peer pressure from you who have reason to do what you believe. It would be appropriate for you to let those who question what you are doing know that you are following what you believe to be a standard of respect--one rooted in Gods Word.

Your Children--The Medicine for the Problem

With the advent of the independent family, America is in the third and destructive phase of social decline. But, we are only one generation into this phase. Two generations are necessary to bring about change. Your children are the second generation. There is still time. Rightly trained children are the medicine for the problem.

We can restate Galatians 6:7 without nullifying its true meaning:

Whatsoever a society sows, that also is what it will reap. If you sow disregard for age, that is also what you will reap. There will come a generation that will vote on your old-age legislation. That generation will be raised with either the right or the wrong understanding of Leviticus 19:32. Respect for age is another side of the diamond that you do not want to chip away and dismiss as being unimportant; it is critically important.

RESPECT FOR PEERS/SIBLINGS

The fourth side of the "esteeming others" diamond is respect for peers and siblings. How do we teach our children to be sensitive to their peers and to act properly toward them? First, when we refer to peer relationships, we do so from the broadest definition; a peer is someone of the same rank or dignity. By this definition, your childs peers come from common association. This includes brothers and sisters as well as friends and classmates. For adults, the definition would be the same. Our peers are the people with whom we play and work.

How can you show respect, honor, and honesty to them? There are basic guidelines stated in Scripture. For example, we can start with the last half of the Ten Commandments.

Six: Thou shalt not kill¹.

Seven: Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Eight: Thou shalt not steal.

Nine: Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

Ten: Thou shalt not covet the possessions of your neighbor.

These laws represent mans relationship to man. They are the guidelines for behavior serving as the moral restraint and encouragement of our actions towards those around us. Our peers make up the greatest population throughout each stage of our lives.

The Old Testament law is not the only source of direction. The New Testament also speaks to us on this subject. Certainly, the one-another's of the New Testament epistles direct us to proper conduct. Philippians 2:3 tells us that Christians are to esteem and regard others higher than themselves. Colossians 3:13 instructs us to be "Forbearing one another." Romans 12:10 says, "in honor preferring one another." Romans 13:8 instructs us to "love one another." You can search this thought in a concordance and find plenty of support for respecting one another. It is a basic theme of Christianity.

Practically speaking, how should we respect our peers? How do we live out the one-another's of Scripture? How do we teach our children to do the same? Parental modeling is important. How do you treat your spouse? Are you best friends? How do you treat your peers? Do you respect and treat them with the dignity due them? You cannot demand moral performance on a greater level than what you live up to yourself. To instruct your children and not back it up with example will exasperate them (Ephesians 6:4).

Work positively with your children. Encourage them to be happy when something wonderful happens to a sibling, such as when one receives an award, wins a game, or has an opportunity that the others do not have. Your constant encouragement in this area can make the difference between ongoing bickering between siblings and a peaceful house. When it is a siblings birthday, no other child should receive a gift. That only robs the birthday child of his special day. It teaches the siblings to selfishly look forward to a day of gifts rather than a day of celebrating the birth of a brother or sister. Mothers will often say, "I dont want anyone to feel bad because they didnt get a gift. But they will all receive a gift--each one on their own birthday.

Continually remind your children that they are each others best friends. They must learn how to take care of each other. Sibling relationships are the first peer relationships most children will know.

Reaching Out to Others

Teaching your child how to respond in a sensitive way toward the feelings of his peers is a greater act of godliness than just getting him to control his hostile behavior. The hitting, pushing, and little scrapes our children get into during the growing years are not as much of a concern as is developing a genuine sensitivity to the feelings of others. Socially hostile behavior will be brought under control; society will see to that if parents do not. Respect for peers, however, is more than restraining the dark side of our natures. It also means reaching out in times of need to help others.

As I look back on the many chapters of our childrens lives, one event in particular comes to mind and stands out as a trophy of grace. Our daughter Jennifer returned home from school sharing joyfully about her teams big defeat in kickball. Being joyful over losing seems to be so un-American. But Jennifers joy was not for self. She proceeded to share the events of the day.

During gym period, she was selected captain, an honor bestowed on her routinely. She realized there were children in her class who never got chosen first. In fact, because of the pecking order, there were children who were always picked last. So Jennifer made a decision. When the other captain picked first and selected Dennis, the best player, Jennifer said, 'Ill take Don" (who was the worst player). The other captain picked the next best player and Jennifer went up the ladder and picked the second worst player. He picked the third best, she picked the third worst--and on it went.

She said excitedly, "Dad, it was great. We got so clobbered. We took the field first and didnt even get our turn to kick." The joy of that day and many like it was an exuberant experience for Jennifer. She lost the game of kickball, but, at that moment, she won the game of life. There were children in her life who had never experienced what she routinely did, and she wanted to send them the message, "Today I am standing with you."

Now the question. How sensitive is your child towards others? That question takes us right back to Leviticus 19:18, which says, "thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." When your childs neighbor is thirsty, will your child offer him a drink? When your childs neighbor is hungry, will he give of his food? When your childs neighbor is cold, will he give of his warmth? When your childs neighbor is alone, will he give of his friendship?

How in touch is your child to the feelings, hurts, pains, and needs of other children? To be warm and friendly to the new child in the class is a caring and compassionate gesture. To have your son or daughter reach out to another child for no other reason than the love of kindness brings Gods confirmation to the heart. In that moment, your childs kindness touches the throne of God because his actions pleased God.

Not all children are given the same measure of gracefulness, skills, abilities, and talents in every area of life. Do your children realize what God has given them is to be used to build up and edify those children around them?

Children, by nature, can be the cruelest members of any society. But children whose hearts are properly shaped can be vessels of honor used by God, bringing mercy to those who know not mercy and grace to those who know no grace.

Life Is Not Fair!

Often, parents confuse the terms fairness and justice. Justice is legal equality; fairness is not. Life is unfair. How many times as parents have we heard or said this statement ourselves? One mother shared her daughters sense of unfairness and asked how she could help her daughter deal with it. Life for her was unfair--on the playground, in the classroom, and sometimes at home. My response to her was a simple one: "Life is not fair." But that statement needs to be put into perspective and qualified.

It seems, at times, that God is unfair. Actually, life is a matter of perspective, something worth helping your children remember. Speaking parent to parent, let me demonstrate this point. It seems to me that it is unfair that your child has two eyes that can see the beauty of the morning, or the softness of a kitten, or the loving expression and pleasure of Moms or Dads face, when there are children who cannot see anything but darkness.

It seems to me that it is unfair that your child can hear the softness of a hummingbird in flight, the baa of the baby lamb, the gentleness of the spring rain, or their own laughter, when there are so many children who cannot hear at all. It is unfair that your child has two legs that can take him where his mind wishes him to go, or knees to fall upon to pray, when there are so many children who, for this life, are confined to a wheelchair or a bed. It is unfair that your child has two arms that work. Arms that can reach out to hold you and hands that can touch your face, and fingers that can pick up a fork, when there are so many children who do not have limbs that work. It is unfair that your child has a mind that can learn and retain the things of God, lips that can sing His praises, and a heart that can reflect your tender nurturing.

I said to this mother, "Youre right. Life is unfair." Unfairness is relative to our own circumstances. Most of us assess fairness by what we are missing, not by what we are possessing. Yes, teach your children how unfair life is. Show them how much they have and others do not. Life is unfair, and you should be constantly putting before your children that message of unfairness and the message of Gods grace and His blessings on them. When you bring that into perspective, you heighten their sensitivity to reach out to the feelings of others.

Only when you learn to be thankful for what you have will you learn to be content. The secret to human contentment is thankfulness. Taking inventory and realizing how much God has lavishly provided us can only produce a thankful heart. In contrast, discontentment keeps a person focused on self. And when you look to self, you limit your ability to meet the moral mandate of Scripture: looking to the preciousness of others.

SUMMARY

How much more can be said? When building a right perspective of self, we must begin with a right view of others. A right view of others begins with Gods claim on them. He created them, He owns them, and He died for them. They have precious value. Because of that truth, I am to order my life accordingly. Whether respecting age or peers, God calls us to a precious response.

Footnote:

¹ The Hebrew language employs several words to express the idea "to kill," but the verb used here is a special word, which ... mean[s] murder and always indicates intentional slaying. [Another] ... rendering of this commandment is "Thou shall not murder."

[Brackets indicate a better textual attitude than the one found by the editor.]

[Portions of Scripture have been changed to the KJV so that they may be better understood by people today.]