The quality of your character and that of your children are best exemplified by

the presence or absence of three attributes; respect, honor, and honesty.

7

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Respect for Authority and Parents

In the last chapter we discussed the mechanics of the conscience and the role it plays in moral training. This chapter will focus on some of the specifics of Godly character training.

WHAT IS CHARACTER?

To understand what character is, we need to state first what it is not. Character is not a persons temperament or personality. We believe temperament is inborn, serving as the foundation upon which personality is built. In contrast, character is the quality of craftsmanship that went into building the personality. Character is the combination of virtues embroidered on the moral fabric of a persons life.

Moral character is the quality of a persons personality and the moral restraint or encouragement of his temperament. When we speak of Christian character, we are referring to moral and social excellence. God calls His people to a divine standard, not the moral mediocrity found in the mainstream of our society. That higher standard requires action on the part of individuals and, more specifically, on the part of parents to communicate biblical values to their children.

THE BASIS OF CHARACTER

The quality of your character and that of your children is best exemplified by the presence or absence of three attributes: respect, honor, and honesty. These are action terms. Having an attitude of respect, honor, and honesty is not enough; there must be an ongoing demonstration of the three.

Respect, honor, and honesty are critical fibers in the moral fabric of our being. To respect our fellow man is to honor him, and to honor him is to live honestly before him. The parents job is to take the intangible concepts of respect, honor, and honesty and to make them tangible--to take their abstract meanings and make them concrete.

There are six natural relationships that are foundational to every society because they are fundamental to all human relationships. Man interacts with positions of:

1. authority

2. parents

3. elders

4. peers and siblings

S. property of others, and

6. nature.

 

These six relationships provide the basis for all character training. By way of analogy, you can view these six relationships as a precious diamond that sparkles on all sides. The name of the diamond is "esteem for others" (Philippians 2:3). Like a diamond, these relationships have a single preciousness, but many sides of appreciation. Not to appreciate one side means to devalue the whole diamond. Parents who hope to raise morally responsible and biblically responsive children must be cognitive of these six relationships. Respect, honor, and honesty are like the hub of a wagon wheel. They give strength to each relational spoke.

RESPECT FOR AUTHORITY

Authority is not a foreign concept in Scripture. Hebrews 13:17a says, "Obey them that have the rule over you," Romans 13:1 says, "Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God." First Peter 2: 13-14 says, "Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme; Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well." First Peter 2:17 says, "Honor all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the king."

These verses relate to a believers response to authority, not to authoritys responsibility to its constituents. That distinction must be made because all authority is governed by biblical imperatives. The theories of the divine right of kings or divine right of parents are unacceptable. Biblical authority has moral boundaries and is limited by biblical law and precept. When a man acts presumptuously and assumes the right to alter Gods moral law, he no longer represents biblical authority. Biblical authority, whether parental, church, or governmental, must be exercised within the context of biblical ethics. When authority stops being ethical, it stops being biblical.

Man, by nature, does not like authority. Our fallen natures are self-legislative, and authority challenges that state. Yet, biblical ethics requires that we live in accordance with authority and live and play by the rules. When you play by the rules, you honor those outside of self; when you cheat in life, you dishonor others.

What is Authority?

Authority is not the law itself, but the power to represent and enforce the law. Although there are many different forms of authority, all of them originate from God (Romans 13:1). Biblical authority includes pastoral and parental authority. Other powers include federal, state, county, city, and village authorities. Authority governs you when you drive your car, fly in a plane, walk across the street, or eat in a restaurant.

God wants us to respect authority, (Romans 13:2-3) and to train our children to do the same (Ephesians 6:1-4). Why did He put some people in positions of authority? There are a few obvious reasons. Without authority there would be chaos, confusion, and destruction. If there were no authority governing the flow of traffic, every intersection would become a death trap. If there were no authority, who would punish the evildoers and bring them to justice (Romans 13:4)? Who would protect the innocent? Who would make sure that milk is really pasteurized or that the food we eat is really safe? Who would protect your rights, your savings, and your investments? Authority is necessary for consistency of order.

Authority is Fair Play

Rightly responding to authority is playing fair. Submitting to authority means to honor others. When one agrees to play by the rules, one avoids violating the right of others to enjoy life. When we respect, honor, and live in accordance with authority, we are actually esteeming others higher than ourselves.

Not all rules are for health and safety concerns; some rules are for mutual and public benefit. One example of this is the leash law in public parks. Many parks have leash laws posted at the entrance. One reason is to protect your family from roaming dogs. The last thing you want is a strangers dog joining you for lunch or frightening your children. Obeying the leash law shows respect for authority. However, the greater intent is to honor all that share the park. A second reason for this law is so owners will "scoop up" after their dogs. A park with unleashed dogs is no place for others to spread out a blanket and have a picnic.

Here then is the moral principle: When we take our dog Poochie to the park, he stays on the leash. By doing that were respecting the authority that the sign represents. More importantly, we base our motivation for compliance on the higher principles of fair play and act on the preciousness of others, not from the fear of a financial penalty. Posted fines and warnings are for the godless, not for the Christian. The virtue of esteeming others should motivate Christian behavior. Our submission to authority means respecting those with whom we share the park. There are hundreds of laws that govern mans behavior. Unfortunately, the more a society moves away from biblical morality and intrinsic motivation, the more dependent it becomes on controlling outward behavior by extrinsic means. What is the higher moral ground? It's doing right out of a mutual sense of respect for each other. When I yield to authority, I place value on you. I am indirectly acknowledging your preciousness by restraining my selfish motivations.

Authority and Your Child

How do you respond to forms of authority in front of your children? When a sign says "Keep off the grass," do you ignore it? When a warning notice comes home from school, do you criticize the teacher in front of your child for sending it? What do you do with your gum wrapper? Do you toss it when no one is looking, or do you put it in your pocket to be disposed of later? The way adults respond to authority sets patterns their children will follow. As is the case with all phases of child training, parental example reinforces parental instruction. Our example gives credibility to our instruction. Many times we undo all of our good teaching by our failure to respond properly to authority. How we personally respond to authority sets the acceptable parameters for our children. If we constantly live below the standard, they will interpret our behavior as the standard.

Finally, keep in mind that our submission to authority is more than an act of outward compliance, it is an attitude that accepts that by divine appointment this person was placed over me. Many times a bitter attitude toward authority is a bitter attitude against God.

RESPECT FOR PARENTS

The second side of our diamond is respect and honor for parents. Teaching children to respect and honor their parents is basic to teaching them how to show respect for others.

The Biblical Mandate

Many parents underestimate the importance of the fifth commandment given to Moses on Mt. Sinai. It is a simple statement: "Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee." (Exodus 20:12). Maybe the simplicity of that statement is the very reason so many parents have become lax in putting into practice the true meaning of the statement. When we contrast this commandment with the other nine, we find that it is more closely associated with the first four commandments, which deal with mans relationship to God, than with the tatter five commandments, which deal with mans relationship to man.

There is something special about the role you serve as a parent. For that reason we give our warning. Do not allow your children to mock your position as their guardian by their impulsive thoughts, words, and deeds. For when they do, they also mock God.

The commandment "Honor thy father and mother is so special that it has a promise attached to it: "Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee." Consequently, the dishonoring of parents has a unique curse attached to it. Those who abuse and dishonor their parents will certainly receive the full weight of Gods judgment.

"The eye that mocketh at his father, and despiseth to obey his mother, the ravens of the valley shall pick it out, and the young eagles shall eat it." (Proverbs 30:17); "And he that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death. And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death." (Exodus 21:15, 17). Furthermore, in Leviticus 20:7, God declares that He is holy and commands His people to be holy. He then begins an entire list of unholy acts with the statement, "For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death" (Leviticus 20:9a). God takes parenting seriously, so parents should not allow their children to make a mockery of their lofty position.

Parent and Governor

As a parent, are you actively or even passively raising a child that mocks you--a child whose activities are characterized by disobedient behavior or even cursing? You should understand that the fifth commandment begins with the parent. Your children will not automatically obey, respect, or honor you. These activities run contrary to their natures. They must receive training and guidance from you.

Parents are God's appointed governors of their childrens souls. The very nature of a child makes him unfit to govern himself. Can your childrens passions, lusts, and desires of the flesh govern them better than you can? Can their passion bring them to holiness? Can the lust of their flesh, lust of their eyes, and the pride of life do what you as parents cannot? Have you not read Gods promise in Romans 2:2, which says, "But we are sure that the judgment of God is according to truth against them which commit such things." The Apostle Paul earlier stated, "Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents," (Romans 1:29-30). Gods judgment shall fall upon them. Parents, please understand the significance of this fifth commandment. Realize early that your children will not honor you by nature. You must insist upon allegiance to your position, for you represent God to them.

Although the Scriptures have called for obedience to princes, masters, pastors, and other superiors, the fifth commandment only names fathers and mothers, because they are the first governors to which a childs obedience is obligated. Do not underestimate the importance of your position.

The Shame of Parents

It is shameful to hear a child call his parents by theft given names as if the child were their peer. It is shameful to hear a child demand things through verbal commands, and even more shameful to watch the parents cater to such demands. It is disgraceful to hear little lips speaking harshly to parents with no correction. Do you not know the warnings of Scripture? Make no mistake, the clay of a young childs heart is wet. Right or wrong, by intent or neglect, you will mold the clay.

OBEDIENCE, SUBMISSION, AND HONOR

We are commonly asked the questions "As adults, do we still have to obey our parents? or "At what age do I no longer have to obey my parents?" These are two legitimate questions. Before we answer them, we first need to distinguish between obedience, submission, and honor.

Obedience and Parenting

In all of the New Testament, only two passages speak directly to children: Ephesians 6:1-2 and Colossians 3:20. In the Ephesians passage, children are instructed to obey their parents and then Paul moves to the honoring of parents, that will come in Chapter 10. We will not give a comprehensive review of obedience at this point. However, we will investigate the time frame and purpose of obedience for children and the temporary nature of required obedience.

Obedience is different from submission or honor. Obedience (the Greek word hupakouo, meaning to line up under someone out of duty) is used in Scripture for children, slaves, soldiers, and servants. It is an implied mandate--a moral obligation. Submission (the Greek word hupotasso, meaning to line up under out of devotion) is used for wives and speaks of a willingness to submit. It is a moral responsibility.

In child training, parents must help their children exchange obedience for submission. The untrained heart of a child reflects self-centeredness and a lack of self-control. Obedience is needed to help shape the child's behavior and developing belief system. The obligation required by obedience serves the child as a teaching device. Obedience acts as a type of schoolmaster. As the law was the schoolmaster until Christ came (Galatians 3:24), so obedience is the schoolmaster that leads a child to ultimate freedom. Freedom means obeying for the sake of doing right and not out of fear of reproof. Obedience is only the starting points of honoring, not the end of it.

As a teacher, obedience brings a child from his selfish tendencies to self-control in life. This schoolmaster moves him from the bondage of the law to the freedom of faith. Obedience takes the law written on stone tablets and transforms it to the law written in their hearts, moving the child from extrinsic motivation to intrinsic control. Eventually, a child will no longer need a fence up on the outside for his own protection because his parents, through training in obedience, have helped him place a moral and ethical fence on the inside.

What then is the purpose of obedience? It is to be a temporary teacher that brings a child to compliance by extrinsic means until he is morally ready to comply with intrinsic controls. In time, a child must exchange obedience for submission. Submission to parents means doing what is right out of devotion to the parents. This attitude comes when a child begins to accept God as his ultimate authority. He then obeys to please God, which includes submitting to his parents headship.

After a child marries, the only thing required of him is to honor his parents according to the ethical mandate of Scripture. When that event takes place, the parent-mediator is no longer needed. The transfer was made successfully. Once there is a leaving and a cleaving, a new authority structure is created by the departure of the child. Obedience and submission take their leave and the honor due to parents remains. The next question is: How will your children honor you? Out of devotion or duty?

HONORING YOUR PARENTS

As the term is used in Scripture, honoring a parent implies a deep respect given with love. Love and devotion legitimize honor. This love is based on time, knowledge, experience, and appreciation for all that your parents have done for you and with you. It is love out of devotion and spills over to honoring out of devotion. In some cultures, the honoring of parents is a social/cultural mandate. This type of honor is not out of love or devotion, but is a forced honor out of duty. Being forced does not nullify honor, but it nullifies the sanctity of honor and Gods original intent for honor. The child does not truly revere his parents, he only socially acknowledges them. That duty falls seriously short of honor that flows from a pure heart.

Honor and Devotion

Adult children are always to honor their parents. For some, this will be a pleasant experience--for others, a very difficult task. Some realize how precious their parents are. They see Gods blessing in their life and realize that it is the result of their parents diligent care and nurturing. The closer they draw to God in their adult life, the more they appreciate and adore their parents, realizing all that they are is the result of their parents godly attention in their lives.

In contrast, there are those who have suffered under the hand of abuse. The pain of the past, the lack of trust, or the current lack of any meaningful relationship reduces the act of honoring to a duty, not a devotion. For these people, the commandment to honor their fathers and mothers becomes a difficult commandment rather than a verse of blessing.

Yet the Bible still calls for a minimum amount of respect and honor. Regardless of how bad life might have been in the past, you cannot speak evil of your parents, slander them, let them go hungry, or ignore them in time of need, for they are at worst reduced to being your neighbor, whom you should love as yourself (Mark 12:31). What is missing, however, is the joy of honoring.

What legacy will you leave your children? Will they honor you out of pure devotion or will it be a burdensome duty? There are very few things in this life that are more beautiful than to have your children move into adulthood and to grow in their appreciation, love, and honor for you. Honor is a joy for them.

Joyful honor must be the legacy that every Christian parent passes on to their children. It doesnt matter what type of a relationship you had with your own parents. The only question from this point forward is: What kind of relationship will you have with your children? God requires them to honor you, but you will determine if that honor comes out of duty or out of devotion by the way you parent them now. Do not rob them of the joy of honoring you.

THE RELATIONAL GOAL OF PARENTING

Many parents spend their entire parenting career attempting to be friends with their children. They suspend the requirement of obedience in the early years in hopes of cashing in on the childs friendship in the latter years. Despite the miserable failure of this supposition as witnessed over the last 25 years, our society still encourages todays parents to be friends with their children right from the beginning.

Prom a parenting perspective, what sounds more noble or more captivating than a family made up of friends? Certainly that is an admirable idea, even appealing to a generation who may have wondered about the absence of friendship with their own parents. But is it right?

Building a friendship with your child must be the relational goal, not the starting point of your parenting. As stewards of Gods special gifts, He calls us to a discipling relationship with our children-- bringing them from innocence and foolishness to maturity and wisdom (Proverbs 4:1-7). That is the model our Lord gave His disciples: "Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his Lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you." (John 15:15).

What a pointed illustration of the passing on of wisdom from one to another! In His final hours, Jesus summarized His relationship with the men with whom He had been most intimate, His disciples. From the early days of gathering His men right up to the Last Supper, our Lord continually passed on His wisdom to His disciples. Throughout the process, He was not afraid to remind them that the student is not greater than the teacher. As their shepherd, He brought conformity into their thinking by creating a like-mindedness and direction for life. In John 15, the Lord brought the discipling of His men to completion and entered into a new relationship with them, one He called friendship.

Christian parenting follows the same pattern of discipleship. From the beginning, we should be passing on the wisdom of the Father to those entrusted to our care. The wisdom of God, or the lack thereof, establishes the superiority and inferiority of men. Our role as parent automatically grants us the position of teacher; our children are our students.

There will be plenty of time for friendship later, and when parents disciple their children wisely, plenty of reason for it. But friendship with our children is not the starting point of our parenting--it is the goal. Only when we have brought our children to a common like-mindedness of who we are as a family will we be in a position to enjoy our children and give them a reason to enjoy us. Before the friendship phase arrives, parents pass through three building-block periods with their children. The success of each phase is dependent on the success of the preceding phase.

Phase One: Discipline

This phase covers the period from birth to five years of age. Your primary goal as a parent is to establish your right to lead their little lives. The leadership you speak of is not oppressive but authoritative. It is a phase of tight boundaries, not unlimited freedoms--boundaries that will give way to freedoms as the child demonstrates responsible behavior. Your task is to get control of the child so you can effectively train him. If you cannot control your child, you cannot train him to his full potential, nor will anyone else be able to do so.

Phase Two: Training

The training phase of parenting takes place from ages 6 to 12. To use a sports analogy, a trainer works with an athlete each day in different settings, going through drills and exercises. He can stop the player at any time and make immediate corrections, explaining the reasons and showing him what to do and how to do it. During training, our children are not yet in the real game of life, only in practice sessions.

Phase Three: Coaching

The third phase, from ages 13 to 19, is the coaching phase. Now our children are in the game of life for themselves. We can send plays in from the sidelines and huddle during the time-outs, but we can no longer stop the game for extended periods of time and show them how it is to be played. They now call the plays themselves and move forward.

How well you coach your children determines how well they run through the plays of life. What kind of trainer you are determines how they respond to your coaching. The type of disciplinarian you are determines your ability to train your children. How well you have established your right to rule determines what type of disciplinarian you are.

Phase Four: Friendship

The relational goal of our parenting is friendship with our children. Although the parent-child relationship does not cease, both parent and child enter into a new season of life. Just as it was with the Lord and His disciples, it should also be with you and your children, a discipleship relationship culminating in friendship. The process begins with tight boundaries, which give way to responsible behavior, leading to freedom.

SUMMARY

In this session we introduced two sides of the diamond. Respect for authority and respect for parents. We suggested that respect for authority should be understood as fair play. When we all play fair and by the rules of life, we are in fact esteeming others higher than ourselves. Abiding by the rules means we do not allow our personal impulses to take advantage of other people.

We also introduced the second side of the diamond--respect for parents. Although obedience is the starting point for a child to honor his parents, it is not the ending point. Parents need to move the child from the mandate of obedience to willful and joyful submission to his or her parents. When that happens, the joy of honoring will be in the life of both parent and child.

[Portions of Scripture have been changed to the KJV so that they may be better understood by people today.]