"Thy word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against thee" (Psalm 119:11).

6

YOUR CHILD'S MORAL CONSCIENCE

When we speak of the conscience, we are not referring to a state of consciousness or unconsciousness, but to a God-given moral faculty of man. The Greek word syneidesis, translated conscience, appears 30 times in the New Testament and 19 tines in Paul's writings. The Old Testament essential equivalent leb (translated heart) is used more than 860 times, often in reference to the work of the conscience.

Leb is used in 1 Samuel 24:5, where "David's heart (conscience) had troubled him because he had cut Saul's robe." That is, he felt guilty about what he had done. In 2 Samuel 24:10, his heart condemned him after he had numbered the people, which was something God told him not to do. Obviously, there was a sense of guilt.

Job lost all his earthly possessions but said, "My righteousness I hold fast, and will not let it go; my heart shall not reproach as long as I live" (Job 27:6). The pagan king Abimelech spoke to God about the integrity of his heart (Genesis 20:5). David walked "in the uprightness of his heart" (1 Kings 3:6). So too, the apostle Paul lived before God in all good conscience (Acts 23:1).

First Timothy 4:2 tells us that it is possible to sear the human conscience. That is, it can be made hard, calloused, and nonresponsive to God. The conscience then, is the seat of moral testimony. It is that portion of our humanness that receives and reflects values that represent what the mind perceives as morally right and wrong, good and evil.

THE WORKING OF THE CONSCIENCE

How does the human conscience work? The Bible does not offer a detailed explanation of its activities, but does hint at them indirectly. What we do know, we have pieced together from various passages. The terms that we have chosen to describe those truths are attempts to accurately represent scriptural intent.

From Scripture we know there are basic elements of spiritual substance stamped on the conscience of every man and woman (Romans 1:18-21). Those elements make up what we are labeling the primary conscience. Primary refers to that which is initial, rudimentary, and basic. In Romans 2, the apostle Paul speaks to this in his discussion about the Gentiles. He noted that although the Gentiles had no codified law from God, they acted as if they had. It was, in fact, written on their hearts. "For when Gentiles who do not have the law by nature do the things in the law, these although not having the law, are a law to themselves; who show the works of the Law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and between themselves their thoughts accusing or else excusing them" (Romans 2:14-15). That portion of the conscience is common to all men and women. It is not instinct but a preknowledge given by God.

We also know there is a trainable portion of the conscience. David refers to this second aspect in Psalm 119:11, "Thy word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against thee." David took Gods righteous precepts and put them in his heart that he might keep from offending God. We have labeled this portion the moral conscience. While the primary conscience is prestamped by God, the moral conscience needs training. On the next page, Chart 5-1 diagrams the working elements of the conscience.

1. The moral conscience supplies the standard of right and wrong

2. Warns when about to do wrong

3. Accuses when wrong is done--guilt

4. Prompts to do right

5. Confirms when right is done--approval

6. Parents establish standards of right and wrong and

impress them upon their childs conscience. This becomes

the moral pool from which the conscience will interact by

prompting, confirming, warning, and accusing.

7. The sense of right and wrong (Romans 2:15)

8. The fear of rejection and accountability

9. Mans sense of shame

10. The primary conscience supplies the sense of right and wrong

THE PRIMARY CONSCIENCE

The primary conscience is part of man from birth. It is Gods thumbprint of ownership, along with other elements of spiritual substance (Romans 2:14-15). The apostle Paul was appealing to that reality in Romans 2. His point was that even without the law, God endowed man with a basic sense of right and wrong.¹³ Even the Gentiles, who did not have Gods law, had that sense. It was evident from their consciences bearing witness to an innate sense of right and wrong. In the words of the apostle Paul, however, "They are without excuse" (Romans 1:20).

Another element of spiritual substance lodged in the primary conscience is mans fear of ultimate accountability. In Genesis 3:9-10, God called out to Adam, "Where are you?" Before the Fall, Adam enjoyed a perfect relationship with God. But the moment he sinned, there awakened in his consciousness the first sense of doubt: I wonder what you think of me now? We believe that seed of doubt was passed on to all humanity and is as true for us today as it was for Adam. Man has within a compelling sense of accountability because God is there.¹⁴

The Apostle Paul said, "The wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because what may be known of God is manifest in them; for God has shown it to them" (Romans 1:18-19). Paul reinforces the idea of accountability in verse 20 by pointing out that creation itself reveals the existence of the Creator. No one can plead ignorance. A day will come when all will give an account. The primary conscience, then, reflects an awareness that God exists, that truth comes from God, that righteousness comes from truth, and judgment is according to righteousness revealed.

THE MORAL CONSCIENCE

More central to our discussion as parents is the moral conscience. This is the trainable portion of mans conscience. During the training process, parents need to stay mindful of how easy it is to weaken the conscience or wrongly train it. A childs conscience can be insensitive hardened, and uncaring. Therefore, parents must pay attention not only to what truth is imparted to the child, but also how it is imparted. The Word of God and a godly example are prerequisites to healthy conscience development.

While the primary conscience appears to provide the inborn sense of right and wrong, the moral conscience provides the learned standards of right and wrong. Jesus gave us several examples of how to apply the law to standards governing the heart. For example, Exodus 20:14 says, "You shall not commit adultery." But Jesus said "Whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). A natural sense (or capacity) of right and wrong without the aid of revelation will produce moral inadequacy. If the moral values and standards do not come from the Word of God, then what you are placing in your childs heart is not Christian. We will divide our discussion of the moral conscience into five points.

1. Establishing the moral warehouse

2. Four activities of the conscience

3. The moral search mechanism

4. Positive and negative conscience training

5. Prohibitive and assertive conscience development

The Moral Warehouse

David said, "Thy word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against thee" (Psalm 119:11).

The action: David hid something

The object: The Word of God

The place: His heart

The reason: To maintain a right relationship with God

According to this verse, we place and store the principles of moral conduct in the heart. Psalm 119:11 speaks to the capacity of the heart. It receives instruction, stores instruction, and governs instruction. The heart is a type of moral warehouse in which one deposits moral knowledge to be used at a later time. Imagine a large warehouse with high stocking shelves on either side of an aisle. Placed on those shelves are various values and character qualities, each marked with a red tag to make it easily identifiable.

In child training, the management rights to that warehouse initially belong to the parents. The Bible instructs parents to diligently teach their children about God and His ways (Deuteronomy 6:6-9). That includes telling them what He requires of them morally (Micah 6:8). Parents, then, are responsible for presenting a moral code with the hope it will eventually govern their childs life. In early training, a childs heart is like a clean slate, not with regard to moral propensity but to specific moral content.¹⁵ When parents help a child to place virtues such as honesty, respect, fairness, wisdom, honor, gentleness, and patience in his heart, the conscience can begin to do its work.

Moral knowledge, however, does not guarantee moral conduct, since many other factors in addition to knowledge motivate human behavior. Our churches are filled with knowledgeable children who are wayward. Instruction in what is morally acceptable is the easy part--teaching a child to control his behavior to conform to moral principles is much harder. If the child does not grow in the virtue of self-control, there will be a discrepancy between his knowledge and his behavior. He will know what is expected but will not always do what is right. If no change comes to this pattern of learning, he will grow up moral on the outside but not on the inside.

The Four Activities of the Conscience

From the warehouse, we move to the internal working of the conscience. Romans 2:15 tells us that the conscience has the ability to assess behavior and render judicial opinions, either by accusing or defending a persons actions. This speaks to the mechanical activities of the human heart. "They show the work of the Law written in their hearts, their conscience bearing witness, and between them their thoughts accusing or else excusing them." The New American Standard Bible translates it as "alternately accusing or else defending them." "Defending" refers to confirming right actions.

There are four activities of the moral conscience; two are positive, two are negative. The negative side of the human conscience provides the useful services of warning and accusing. The conscience warns man when he is about to do wrong. If he does not heed, it will accuse him through the mechanism of guilt. Guilt is what David experienced when he disobeyed God (as recorded in 2 Samuel 24:10) by numbering the people. Why did his heart bother him? Somewhere in the training process, Davids heart was coded with standards of right and wrong. When he crossed the boundary of his own conscience and Gods word, it activated the sense of guilt, accusing him of wrong. If a person never experiences guilt, either his conscience has been hardened, or he never put any associated value in it. The permissive parent usually produces the latter condition; untreated sin causes the first.

The conscience also has a positive side, one that both prompts and confirms. The heart can prompt a man to do right, and when he does right, it confirms him. That feeling of confirmation--the opposite of guilt--is Gods pat on the back. When the Spirit of God confirms in your heart that you have done right, you have a great sense of satisfaction from knowing you have pleased Him.

The Moral Search Mechanism

The conscience is the moral warehouse of the soul. Its four activities (warning, accusing, prompting, and confirming) operate in harmony with the stored values. There appears to be yet another function of the conscience that serves to tie together the activities of the conscience with the moral warehouse. We labeled this activity the moral search mechanism. It is the ability of the conscience to make moral assessments.

We believe the conscience serves a divine purpose. With God's values taking up residency, the conscience becomes a type of radar that guides us to moral certainty. It encourages us in the right direction or warns us of impending moral default. The conscience has a unique way of scanning the moral horizon. When there is a potential ethical situation requiring a response, the conscience is put on alert.

Almost every daily environment we participate in brings us potentially new ethical situations. Whether youre shopping, sifting in class, hanging out the wash, driving home from work, or watching television, you are constantly confronted with ethical circumstances that call for a moral response.

For each new situation, the search mechanism operates by taking in data, evaluating it for moral liability, then responding by going to the warehouse to see if there is a value on which to act. The search mechanism begins scanning each shelf in search of a corresponding value. If it finds a corresponding value, it activates the warning and prompting mechanisms and calls for a moral solution. If nothing is found, the search ends and nothing happens.

Here is a personal example of how the mechanism works. One Sunday, while I was sitting during a prayer time, an elderly pastor arrived late. He entered the room but found no place to sit. Before I knew what was happening, the search mechanism of my conscience had already evaluated the situation and come up with a potential moral dilemma: Elderly pastor, many years my senior, no chair. The search mechanism immediately took that data and began searching the warehouse to see if there was a needed response. Like a little robot, the search mechanism went up and down the aisle looking for a value that might correspond. It finds one, a red tag labeled: "You shall rise up before the grey headed, and honor the presence of an old man, and fear your God" (Leviticus 19:32).

Lifting that value off the shelf, the little guy rushed back to the conscience and said, "You need to do something about this." The prompting mechanism said, "It would be honoring and right to offer your seat." The warning side replied, "You are dishonoring age by ignoring this mans need for a seat." Both sides called for a moral solution. Getting up, I offered my seat. That action satisfied the moral standard written on my heart that prompted me to do right.

Let me add a little twist to the story. What if, as a child, the value of respecting age was not part of my moral training and is not now part of my conscience? The following would happen. The search mechanism would go to the warehouse looking for a value on which to act. Not finding a value tagged "Respect Age," it returns empty-handed. I would then sit there oblivious to what I should have done.

If there is no principle to stir the heart, the heart will not be stirred. Referring to man, Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he." Our life is the product of the way we think. When we think of self instead of others, our perspective becomes morally dull to the needs of those around us. The apostle Paul said in Colossians 3:16, "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly." Why? For the same reason David gave in Psalm 119:11, that we might not sin against God or man. Mans heart is the ethical command post of life.

Positive and Negative Conscience Training

The human conscience develops by positive and negative means. Negative training includes restrictions, consequences, and warnings, and parents should use it predominantly in the early years. Positive training includes instruction, encouragement, and reinforcement and predominates in the middle and upper years. While healthy conscience development requires both positive and negative training, an overemphasis on one to the exclusion of the other at any phase of growth is unhealthy.

Early training is predominantly negative and restrictive. Picture this scene: Springtime has arrived, and twenty-month-old Becky is walking with Mom in the park. The gardens are arranged beautifully with blossoming flowers. Becky wanders over to pick a tulip but hears, "No Becky, dont touch." If Becky disobeys, there will be negative consequences. Yes, even a swat on the hand.

Becky has learned that disobeying Mom by pulling on the flowers brings a consequence. As a result, she becomes motivated to avoid wrongdoing out of the fear of a swat to her hand and for no other reason. At her age, she doesnt have the moral capacity to understand the rightness or wrongness of her behavior and how it relates to those around her. She learns and is motivated by concrete sensory input such as pain, not by abstract reason or logic. As Becky grows into her third year, her parents start the transition process. They diligently work towards transitioning her motivation from the fear of the rod to the love of virtue. They accomplish that by filling her moral warehouse with virtues she will use to make right decisions in life. Based on her readiness, they will begin to add a moral explanation to their instruction.¹⁶ This year when Becky and Mom walk though the public gardens and Becky reaches for a flower, she hears, "No Becky," and then the following explanation: "Becky, those flowers are here for everyone to enjoy. Thats why we dont touch. If everyone picked a flower there would be none left for anyone to enjoy."

In both instances, Beckys mom took into consideration the rights of others to enjoy the beautiful flower arrangements and then made a biblical decision by restricting Becky's actions. This time, however, she gave the moral reason for her restrictions. Similar scenarios will be repeated a number of different times and ways throughout Beckys life. All of them add to the childs moral warehouse. But it is not until the child takes ownership of the values he or she has stocked up that you have a morally responsible child.

As we stated in Chapter 1, a child will begin to integrate the values Mom and Dad have imparted as a result of a number of factors working in harmony. The process starts with a clear standard solidified in the heart of a child by parental example, a trusting relationship, parental honesty, family love, and many more relational elements.

As Beckys conscience continues to develop and her understanding of family relationships deepens, her parents gradually shift from negative consequences and restrictive training to positive and proactive training. Becky is now learning many moral truths. The emphasis is not only on what she shouldnt do, but also on what she should do. When Becky sees an empty plastic cup on the walkway, she picks it up and puts it in the trash. She does it for no other reason than it's the right thing to do.

As her warehouse starts to fill up with biblical virtues, she moves closer to the ultimate freedom--the ability to govern her own behavior from within according to divine standards of personal government. In time she can say, like David, "Thy word have I hid in my heart, that I might not sin against thee."

Warning: Make the Transition

We conclude this section by giving you an important warning. Success is sometimes our greatest weakness. Many of our Growing Kid's Gods Way parents are very successful in getting their childrens behavior to reflect biblical values. Once they achieve that goal, it is tempting to stay with the method that got them there--but thats a dangerous thing to do.

By the time a child approaches the middle years (eight to twelve years of age), parents should be well on their way to adding moral reasons to their instruction. That does not mean that we go to the extreme of explaining to the child every decision we make. But, if parents fail to move from negative to positive training, they ultimately limit their childs capacity to reason morally. The child becomes frustrated not knowing whether his actions are right or wrong. What a fearful thing to always be in a state of doubt concerning the rightness or wrongness of each action!

The Assertive and Prohibitive Conscience

Assertive and prohibitive are terms that describe conditions of the heart as a result of right or wrong training. The assertive conscience says, "I ought to do this because it is right," or "I ought not to do this because it is wrong." The prohibitive conscience says, "I must or else I'll be punished". The motivation to do right is not the love of virtue, but the fear of punishment.

Assertive development takes place when parents build into their childs conscience the reason why right is right and wrong is wrong. A child will develop a healthy conscience when his parents are good models of the qualities they desire to see in their child, and when they encourage the child to do right as opposed to only discouraging him from doing wrong. Such a child sees obedience as attractive, not as a distasteful action done merely to avoid punitive retaliation for failure to comply.

The prohibitive conscience is not a guilty conscience--it is an ongoing state of potential guilt. The person who lives this way has not done anything wrong but lives his life as if he were always on the verge of doing wrong. Doing wrong in this case is the overly sensitive fear of disappointing someone, being misunderstood, or being rejected if he or she does not conform. Practically, this results in the coward that dies a thousand deaths. He may do many virtuous acts, but not out of love for right but from fear of potential error.

Here are some of the ways parents develop a prohibitive conscience in their children.

1. The parents manipulate the child by creating the fear of losing Mom or Dads love. Conditional love becomes the motivator for right behavior.

2. The parents manipulate the conscience by making the child feel guilty, for the child, avoiding guilt becomes the motivator for right behavior.

3. The parents fail to provide the moral reasons for behavior. As a result, the constant fear of punishment, reproof, and rejection becomes a motivator of right behavior--not the love of virtue.

The one who lives with the fear of potential guilt (i.e. potential rejection for wrong decisions) does not live from a pure heart. Virtues become burdensome, and Christian freedom is nonexistent. Why do parents manipulate their children? Because it is an easy way to get control. But it is a lazy, cruel, and inhumane method of parenting. The effects of a prohibitive conscience can be lifelong. Do you have a conscience like that? Take this subjective test, then score yourself. This test serves only as a guide to understanding your own heart...

PROHIBITIVE CONSCIENCE TEST

Scale:

1 = Never true of me

3 = Sometimes true of me

5 = Half yes/half no

7 = Usually true of me

10 = Always true of me

(If a question does not apply, think of how you might respond.)

1. When someone says, "I need to talk with you right away!" I get nervous and begin to wonder what I did wrong.

2. Even as an adult, somehow I am made to feel guilty by my mother or father if I do not do what she or he asks or demands.

3. Somehow my mother-in-law/father-in-law make(s) me feel guilty if I do not do what she or he asks or demands.

4. If fifty people told me I did a good job, but one person did not like what I did and was critical, the discouragement from the one person would be greater than the encouragement of the fifty.

5. Sometimes I go to church even when I do not want to just out of the fear that someone might say something about me if I were not there.

6. My tendency, when I am in a disagreement with another person, is to give in and say to myself, it really doesnt matter anyway.

7. I constantly seek affirmation from those who are closest to me.

8. When Im asked to help a friend or relative, and I need to say no for legitimate reasons, I still feel guilty.

9. I am the one who usually says "Im sorry."

10. I fear losing my childs love when I discipline him or her.

(To score, see the end of the chapter.)

WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT MY PROHIBITIVE CONSCIENCE?

If you have trouble with a prohibitive and fearful conscience, first acknowledge the problem and attempt to understand why you have it. Such knowledge does not excuse current sinful patterns but gives you a starting point of understanding.

Often, parents manipulate their children because they lack confidence in child rearing. They find the use of guilt and conditional love to be easy ways to control a childs outward behavior. The corresponding pathology in adulthood is a life lived in fear of potential wrong. Whatever the reason for this behavior, the cycle must stop with you.

Second, to overcome the effects of a prohibitive conscience, you must focus on the person of Jesus Christ. The more you incorporate a right biblical perspective of yourself as a Christian, and your destiny with Christ, the easier it will be to overcome wrong and fearful motivation of behavior. Strength is found in doing right out of the love of God. There is power and confirmation in obedience. Finding approval from man is not as important as finding favor with God.

Third, if a prohibitive conscience controls your behavior, then you need to start taking control now. Resolve not to automatically respond to the situations you face day by day. Instead, think first about what biblical principles should govern your response. Train yourself to be driven by virtue and moral reason, not fear. Some of the most fearful people in the world are those who do all the right things but do not know why its right. As a result, they tend to second-guess every decision. Mastering the problem is better than surrendering your life to it. The book of Proverbs is a good place to learn correct biblical responses. Here are a few examples from Proverbs.

10:12 "Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins."

15:1 "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger."

20:22 "Say not thou, I will recompense evil; but wait on the LORD, and he shall save thee."

21:23 "Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles."

26:4 "Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him."

29:11 "A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards."

SUMMARY

What standards are you going to write on your childs heart? How are you going to write them? Do you adhere to and promote biblical values, esteeming the preciousness of others? A childs conscience is a moral reflection of his parents. Do you have the love of Christ in your heart?

FOOTNOTES:

¹³ In Genesis 4:9-15, God pronounced a curse on Cain for the murder of his brother, Abel. He was to become a vagrant and a wanderer of the earth. Cain responded, "Whoever finds me will kill me" (v. 14). How did Cain know others would require his life as a result of killing his brother? No law at that time had been passed. Even God acknowledged the probability of that action by marking him as one not to be touched (v. 15). We believe the same sense of right and wrong that God impressed on Cain's heart is on each mans heart.

¹⁴ The fear of impending judgment is embedded in mans nature. Man does not long after God, but just the opposite. He fears God and responds out of that fear (Genesis 3:8, 10). He attempts to deal with his fear in one of two ways. The first way is through religion. Man is innately religious, and from his imagination creates religious superstitions and activities. Religion is man's way of appeasing a god or gods. A second way is through denial. Man attempts to suppress his feelings by denying the existence of a higher authority to whom he will be accountable. That denial produces the practice of atheism, which only forms a pretense of reality.

¹⁵ In referring to a clean slate, we are not referring to the term as behaviorists use it. They speak about a clean slate in development, which describes a personless body programmed by strict environmental forces. Behaviorists believe a person becomes what his environment is. We, in contrast, are referring only to the portion of a persons conscience that receives moral training.

¹⁶We find it amusing--and sometimes painful--to watch parents attempt to reason with their two-year-old children. A two-year-olds moral capacity is virtually nonexistent. Parents who attempt to morally dialogue with young children demonstrate the pressing need to bring sensibility back to parenting. A two-year-old child does not have an adult's moral capacity.