What is a father's mandate? To rightly reflect the truth of God and to develop a relationship of trust with his children based on that truth.

5

THE FATHER'S MANDATE

A baby is born, a cry resounds, and a father receives a child into his arms. With a lifetime ahead, what will their relationship become? At birth they achieved the most basic of relationships: a biological one. Unfortunately, many men never move beyond that point, only proving that a biological propensity can make you a father but not necessarily a dad.

The next level of relational commitment represents the norm of our society. It is built on Dad's ability to provide and satisfy the needs (and sometimes the wants) of his children. Dad's role is provider and protector; this is the material and sustenance level. The third and highest level of relational commitment between father and child depends on the quality of mutual trust and loyalty between the two. This is the predominant focus of this chapter and is the one all Christian fathers should earnestly pursue.

Some reports suggest that the average father spends less than seven minutes a day with his children. Although we question the accuracy of that statistic, we do not doubt that excessive fatherly absenteeism is a problem in most families. Furthermore, while a man can be physically absent from his family, equally dangerous is the dad who maybe physically at home, but is mentally miles away. In both cases, the father is absent or unavailable to his children.

The blame for the phenomenon of the absent father rests in part on the structure of Western civilization. Transportation, communication, education, finances, and leisurely activities in America are time and schedule oriented. We are a very complex society. Our daily activities require meticulous organization as well as clock-watching to help us maintain our schedules. Unfortunately, our collective addiction to time orientation has spilled over into our homes. Have we become a nation of slaves to the clock when it comes to raising our children?

The Judeo-Christian Influence

To explore the implications of that question, we need first to turn back the pages of history and discuss some of the influences and preexisting beliefs that have shaped the role of the American father. The most substantial influence comes from the Judeo-Christian ethic.

We have argued previously that this ethic, although Christian in outward appearance, is not truly biblical because it is not completely biblical. That accusation, however, does not diminish the stabilizing influence traditional values have had on historic America. The moral cohesiveness that came out of the Judeo-Christian ethic is what made our nation strong. Each family member influenced by it had a well-defined role. These roles evolved from two thousand years of church history and developed into what Americans call traditional values.

Prior to the collapse of Judeo-Christian values in the American culture, our society measured a successful father by how well he provided for and protected his family. Since provision and protection were the two requirements for social approval, the father-child relationships rarely progressed beyond the material and sustenance level. With Dad busy providing and protecting, Mom was left with the primary duty of raising the children. After all (it was thought), if God created her to bear children alone, He must have equipped her to raise them alone. That did not mean dads were excluded from nurturing all together, but the average father parented from a distance.

Anything more than that was by choice, not because of social expectations.

Today, there are many families who follow that traditional model (Mom raises the children; Dad provides for and protects them). But is that practice completely biblical? We believe it is incomplete. It is true that under a biblical model of family development a father must protect and provide for his family. First Timothy 5:8 says that if a man does not take care of his family, he is worse than an unbeliever. But that is not the last word on parenting in Scripture. There is one more element that is too often missing in our families: the duty of a father to establish a relationship with his children--a relationship based on trust.

Quality-Time and Quantity-Time Fathering

It is not uncommon to hear a father boast, "I may not spend a lot of time with my children, but what time I do spend is quality time." A second father will say, "The quality of time is not as important as the quantity of time." Then there is a third group who claim to be both quality-time and quantity-time fathers. If you had to pick between providing quality time or quantity time, which one would you pick?

How about neither? Often fathers attempt to quantify or qualify their time to excuse what they are not doing: building a relationship with their children. The practice of quality and quantity time spent fathering is a cultural concept--not a biblical one. It is based on time allocation first and relationship building second. It subjects our childrens needs to time, rather than reorienting time to meet their needs.

Spending quality or quantity time with your children is not a bad thing. Obviously a father's relationship with his children depends on time. But quality or quantity time spent with children is not the goal--only a means to achieving the goal. That is an important distinction. Some fathers will take their son or daughter for a walk and feel they have fulfilled their fatherly obligation for the week. However, it is not the walk itself but what comes out of the walk that is important. It is a valuable use of time only if it deepens the father-child relationship. Time is not the goal--relationship is.

The problem with focusing on time allocation is that it forces us to measure our parenting success in tangible forms. We tend to look at how well our children perform or how much they achieve rather than looking at what type of relationship we have with them.

If you want to be a relationship building father, put away your measuring stick of quality and quantity time and ask yourself this: Do my children trust me? Do they really trust me? Do they ask my advice, or is it always Mom they turn to? Trust is the foundation on which any good relationship is built. Building a trusting relationship with our children should be our first consideration as fathers, with time playing only a supportive role. The quantity and quality of trust our children have in us is the truest measure of our relationship with them.

What is trust? For a child, trust is the bridge linking his need to know he belongs with actually belonging, his need to know he is accepted with actually being accepted, and his need to know he is loved with actually being loved. The bridge of trust built and maintained by a father secures the childs need to feel connected to his family.

All relationships depend on trust, especially family relationships. A husband-wife relationship is built on mutual trust, as is the relationship with our children. The reason we can give our children certain freedoms is because we trust them. And the reason they can come to us with sensitive concerns is because they trust us. The only reason our children accepted our faith and values is because of the bridge of trust we worked hard to establish as a family. When they trust us, they trust our word and what we say about God and His word. Without trust in a relationship, you have only a mutual consent to live together. Without trust, you will either have to lead by force or abandon the notion of leading altogether. If a child cannot trust his dad more than his peers, inevitably his peers influence him much more than Dad. Just as teenage rebellion does not happen overnight, neither does a trusting relationship. It is a long-term process, and comes the old-fashioned way--we earn it.

THE EIGHT DUTIES OF FATHERING

How do we build that bridge of trust? As fathers, we start by asking the question: What am I doing to help my child come to the point of completely trusting me? The following are eight non-negotiable mandates of fatherhood. Each bolsters the childs confidence in Dads leadership. Most importantly, they cultivate trust in the relationship. No matter if youre a new parent or a seasoned one, it is never too late to start doing that which is right.

Duty one: A father must cultivate a sense of family identity.

The process of building a trusting relationship with your children starts by cultivating attitudes that lead to a strong sense of family identity, which is the mutual acceptance of who you are as a team. The permissive, authoritarian, and biblically balanced approach to parenting all produce predictable patterns of family identity.

Permissive parenting fosters independence at the expense of the family unit. Permissiveness encourages each member to do what is right in his or her own eyes. When there is no call to family loyalty and when independence in the family is elevated above interdependence, the end result is a fragmented family.

Authoritarian parenting produces a temporary facade of family identity. Unfortunately, children conform to family values out of fear and duty--not desire and devotion. Children externalize family identity rather than internalize it, leading to family fragmentation once they leave home.

The third and lasting alternative is to build a Christ-centered family identity, one in which family members base relationships on devotion to one another as Christ is devoted to His church. This results in relationships based on trust and acceptance of each family member as an individual with a parallel sense of loyalty to the family as a unit. The virtues of trust and loyalty are more than feelings and attitudes--they are actions.

In our home, family ties were never optional for our children. They were a mandate based on Gods genius. Our children knew without question that God put us together for the purpose of representing Him to the world. Our consistent loyalty to our family values sealed our identity as a unit. Whether we are together or apart, we are committed to our familys standards. That attitude produces mutual accountability. Each member knows the team is counting on all the others to stay committed to the code of ethics that represents the family.

Verbalizing Dads Commitment

To speed up the process of bringing cohesiveness to the family, a father must be assertive in leading his family. The children need to know he is on board with them. He cannot be a spectator observing Moms efforts in holding the family together. He must be an active part of the management team.

If Dad is excited and encouraged about the family, the children will feel the same way. If Dad is on board, the children will want to be on board. If he is silent about the family, there is always the lingering question in their minds: Does he really care about us? With silence a father communicates disinterest, or worse, fatherly disapproval or rejection.

That is why we encourage fathers to take leadership in verbalizing how pleased and excited they are with their family. For example, while driving in the car or sitting around the dinner table, encourage your family by saying, "This is really a terrific family. I am so thankful the Lord put us all together. You kids have such a great mom." Hearing Dad talk about the family adds credibility to his role as the head of the home and gives the children confidence in knowing that Dad is on board.

When fathers cultivate family identity, they are aiding the process of trust. The two go hand in hand. To have a strong family identity, fathers must weave trust into the fabric of each relationship.

Duty two: A father must demonstrate an ongoing love for his wife.

In Chapter 3, we discussed the correlation between strong marriages and successful parenting. The marriage relationship is a stage upon which the performance of trust is acted out before an audience of watching eyes and little hearts. The way they see you loving and nurturing your wife produces for them a level of trust in you. Children thrive on the demonstration of love between parents. They want the confidence that Dad is tremendously in love with their mom. A father can be wonderfully active with his children--hiking, fishing, skating, taking walks, and helping with homework. But he will nullify all his efforts if he does not continually cultivate a love relationship with his wife. Loving your wife is a prerequisite to building trust with your children.

From a child's perspective, how much trust can he have in a dad that cant take time to be with his mom? How much trust can he have in a dad that speaks harshly to his mom or is not patient with her? One of the greatest emotional needs a child has is the need to know that Dad and Mom love each other. Fathers, the best thing you can give your children is a loving demonstration before their little eyes of how much you love their mom. It is the most fundamental point of security and takes us right back to the basic question, How much trust can I have in a dad who is not continually loving my mom? Not very much.

Duty three: A father must understand and respect his childs private world.

We all live in three worlds--public, personal, and private. Our public world includes much of our time away from home, such as work and social activities, which allow us to keep relationships at a safe distance. Our personal world is where we live among friends and relatives. In such settings, we are more relaxed and vulnerable.

But it is within our private world that we can be bold one moment and fearful the next. We can feel overwhelmingly discouraged or gleefully sing songs from the heart. We can be anxious or at peace with life. It is a place of personal thoughts, big wishes, and hopeful dreams. Our private world is the most secret of all places. No one can visit our private world without an invitation, for our private world is on the inside. Children have a private world that is constantly changing and developing. Fathers need to be particularly sensitive to this world.

There is an interesting phenomenon with children called the open window that is so often missed by dads. Picture a day when your child has been out playing all day, and his little body is completely exhausted. He's had his bath, put on clean pajamas, and is settled comfortably in bed. This is often a vulnerable moment when suddenly a child will open the window of his heart and invite you in.

When a child is willing to share the issues of his heart, a dad should be ready to receive them. How sad to think of the number of fathers who stand oblivious to their childs pleas and invitations to join them on the inside. Some children emotionally reach out for their dads only to find emptiness. When our children invite us into their private world, we must listen with our hearts as well as our heads. If they ask us to participate, then we can offer our fatherly advice, confidently knowing its what they want to hear. When children have confidence that they can trust their dad with sensitive issues, they will begin to open up and share what are to them the real issues of life as they grow older. In contrast, if fathers continually breach their childrens confidence, the children quickly realize that their Dad is the man who has made it hard for them to trust.

Although there are no guarantees in parenting, this comes close:

If you can prove your trustworthiness during the vulnerable moments in the early years, your children will come to you when theyre older and facing lifes challenges. When they are teens, they will come to Dad for his counsel and support.

Shame on fathers who are insensitive to the private world of each of their children. A father can establish a trusting relationship in the secret places of his childs heart, but he can destroy it there as well. That is why fathers need to respect their childrens private world.

Duty four: A father must keep his promises.

How much trust can a child have in a father who does not keep his promises? Do you know your children hang on to every word you say? Perhaps you recall such a time. Maybe it was on a cold January night, when the house was a little chilly. There was a fire in the fireplace and you said, "I cant wait until summer! When summer comes around, were going to go camping for a whole week!" Do you realize your children have that recorded?

Maybe youve said something like, "I know were a little busy now, but when baseball season comes around, were going to go to a game. We'll have a super time, and we'll make a day out of it." Your children are waiting in May--and in June, July, and August,--and wondering if Dad is going to take them to the ball game. He said he would. How much trust can a child have in a father who does not keep his word? If you say: "I know its been a busy week, but I'll make it up to you. Well play catch on Saturday right after I come home from my meeting," then you had better play catch or you will break a little heart. Not only do we want you to offer your word but we want you to keep it.

Of course there are going to be times when youve promised your child something and you cant do it because of a legitimate emergency, but the question is: Are you characterized as a father who keeps his word before his children? If you are characterized by keeping your promises you wont need to be concerned about those rare occasions when something unexpected arises. They will understand. Do you keep your word? Do you keep your promises? It is essential in building trust between you and your children.

Duty five: A father must give his children the freedom to fail.

Giving your child the freedom to fail almost sounds un-American. We as Americans collectively love winning so much that perhaps weve lost our perspective and appreciation for what we can learn from losing.

What a crippling thing to a young creative mind not to have the freedom to fail in front of Dad. Your children need to have the confidence that you view their failures as the first steps to success. Let me qualify that: Failure with effort is acceptable; failure without effort is not.

A father's wrong attitude toward failure can prevent his children from stretching themselves to their full potential. Imagine a child who is afraid to fail in front of his father because he senses that Dad is not going to be pleased with him or love him as much. This child makes the status quo his standard. He will not pursue the full range of possibilities with which God has endowed him. He would rather hold back, achieving only enough to get by, rather than face Dad's lukewarm reaction or angry dissatisfaction if he fails. Each time that happens, the relationship slips back another notch.

Maybe they wont tell you until its too late, but your children want you to be pleased and proud of them. If you continually respond to their failure with negative, sarcastic, or hurtful statements rather than turning the situation into an opportunity for encouragement, you will do nothing to build trust.

Fathers must look at failure with an eye to the future, realizing that vulnerable moments of learning often accompany times of failure. When our children failed, either in an achievement or a relationship, we attempted to help them find the secret blessing. We often said, "Do you realize the number of adults who have not learned the lesson the Lord allowed you to learn today? Do you realize how many people live foolishly because they lack the wisdom you now possess?" Those were not words of condemnation or correction, but of encouragement. We knew they would be tested again in a similar fashion, and when that day came, they would be ready to face it with wisdom. They will then turn failure into victory. And when that victory comes, Dad will be there with praise.

There is always something to be learned out of our failure. We tried to help our children understand that the Lord sends trials to help us mature and grow in wisdom. Our words were not meant to dismiss the pain of failure, but to help them see that out of defeat can come a victory they never expected.

Our childrens failures, rightly handled, become down payments for victorious living in the future. You should use the Scriptures to teach from the trial or failure. Romans 8:28, Romans 5:3-4, and James 1:2-3 are passages you can read and explain to your children in such times. Teach them about the trials of the Old Testament character Joseph (Genesis 37:1-50:26) and how his right response to each trial allowed God to exalt him.

Your children also need to know that you too have failed and can share in their feelings of hurt and disappointment. They need to be assured that neither failure nor success is the basis of your relationship with them, Please take note of this one fact: It is not the fear of failure that holds a child back, but the fear of failing someone. Often that someone is Dad. How can they trust a father who will not stand by them in the worst times of their life--when they fail?

Duty six: A father must be the encourager of the family.

There is a big difference between an encouraging remark and an encouraging father. Real encouragement flows out of a relationship. Its more than a word now and then--its your very presence, smile, and expression that communicates encouragement. Fathers need to be a source of encouragement because encouragement builds trust. Here are some practical activities for encouraging fathers.

Dad's Little Notes

I often wonder how many young fathers wish their dads wrote them just one note: something simple, encouraging, and ending in three little words--"I love you." It doesn't take much to occasionally put a little note in your childs lunch box. How much time does something like that take to write? How much meaning can that have to your child? Here is a short letter we received demonstrating its potential.

Dear Gary and Anne Marie,

 

I am writing to thank you and testify to the truth you imparted to us during last month's conference. I brought my husband to the seminar in the hope that he would be more willing to take a positive role in fathering if he heard things straight from you.

A few days after we returned home we were talking about fathers leaving notes for the child instead of Mom. (Something I had been doing for a few months.) My husband agreed to put a note in the lunch box of our eldest boy, who is now seven years old. The next morning the note was written with instructions to place it in the box, which I did. It was just a simple note saying, "Hope you have a nice day at school. See you when I get home. Love, Dad."

Upon our son's arrival home, he handed me his lunch box as usual. When I opened it, the note was there, still intact. He obviously hadnt seen it so I said, "You missed something in your lunch box today." He took the note and read it, and then, before me, my son broke down and wept. I hugged him and waited a few moments, then asked why he was crying. He replied, "I didnt realize Dad loved me that much" How can I ever thank you enough for such a priceless moment in the life of our child?

The time invested by this father was probably thirty seconds, but the impact of his thoughtfulness cannot be measured. The older the child, the more he or she needs to hear from Dad in writing. Take time to write your children a letter at least once a year. Sign it, seal it, and mail it. They quietly realize the letter in their hand is from a man who is unlike any other man in the world--Dad. Letters from their friends may eventually get thrown out, but Dad's letters get safely put away. And in those discouraging moments, perhaps on lonely days, they come out again and again and bring the reader an assurance of at least one certainty--Dad's love. Encouragement is never redundant--it is communicated with words that are read over and over again.

We recommend fathers sign the Christmas and birthday cards. It doesnt matter how illegible your penmanship might be. There is something very special about knowing that Dad took the time to endorse the warm thoughts enclosed in the envelope. Children dont usually question Moms commitment to the family, but such gestures confirm Dads devotion. What wonderful memories result when Dad takes the time to compose special notes and sign the cards.

In addition, take your childrens need for encouragement seriously. What may not be a big issue to you may be a major issue to them. We as adults have certainly experienced in the growing-up process many of lifes disappointments. We know from hindsight that we made it through and everything turned out fine, but our children dont know that. Many times a father underestimates a childs sense of urgency. What may seem trivial to us may be insurmountable to them. Dads, listen for the cues and realize there will be some matters of major importance packaged in an insignificant statement. Seize the opportunity to encourage your children through their difficulty by imparting your experience and wisdom.

Duty seven: A father must routinely embrace his children.

In the context of the family, a gentle hand, a tender hug, a pat on the back, and a goodnight kiss all communicate intimacy in a relationship. To hold and be held communicates vulnerability and closeness that is reserved for trusting members of a family.

In our family, Anne Marie is the hugger. She came from a non-hugging family and vowed that our family would be different. As a family when we greeted in the morning, we hugged. Before going out the door, we hugged. Just before bed, we hugged. We were a hugging family, never realizing at first the emotional benefits of physical touch.

We believe holding your children provides more than security-- it meets special emotional needs that someday will be met when the Lord Himself brings that special person into their life. Fathers who fail to communicate love through touch leave behind yearning hearts that can be taken captive by anyone willing to give attention. And often its the wrong person.

In the course of our travels, we visit many families. In some homes we find children starved for physical affection. Its not that the parents are purposely neglectful, but that the tyranny of the urgent dominates their lives, and their childrens need for touch goes unmet. Sometimes we are not in a home more than five minutes before we have a child on our laps seeking to be cuddled. Silently they are telling us, Would you hold me? My dad is too busy. Many little boys and girls who have all the material things of life lack what they really need--a routine hug from Dad.

What is a hug? Author Paul Planet says it the best.

Hugging is very healthy. It helps the bodys immune system. It keeps you healthier. It cures depression and reduces stress. It induces sleep. It is invigorating. It is rejuvenating. It has no unpleasant side affects. Hugging is nothing less than a miracle drug. Hugging is all natural. It is organic and naturally sweet. It contains no pesticides, preservatives, or artificial ingredients, and it is 100% wholesome.

Hugging is practically perfect. There are no movable parts, no batteries to wear out, no periodic check-ups, no monthly payments, no insurance requirements. It offers no energy consumption and returns a high-energy yield while being inflation-proof, nonfattening, theft-proof, nontaxable, nonpolluting, and fully returnable.¹²

There is something very special about Dad's arms. Moms arms are comforting, but Dads arms are secure. Neither time, age, nor gender should limit a father's touch. Our children are never too old to be kissed, hugged, or held--never. Even as a full-grown man, I would give anything to be held one more time by my Dad, lost to us in 1972. I am fearful of the number of fathers who still have the opportunity to hold their children but dont.

Duty eight: A father, if hes going to build a relationship of trust with his children, must build it on God's Word and not on human wisdom.

Trust cannot be separated from truth. Jesus said, "Thy word is truth" (John 17:17). All the practical helps listed above will be for nothing if a father is like the foolish man who builds his house upon the sand (Matthew 7:24-27). For when the storms of life come to pound on your relationship, will anything be left after they pass? The preservation of your family starts with understanding God's divine plan of salvation. From salvation comes sanctification, which is the divine empowerment to minister to your family and others. Without biblical truth, the family has no ultimate meaning or direction.

Parenting is a discipleship relationship in which truth passes from one generation to another. Without the truth of God, a child has the potential to believe a father right into eternal damnation. What is the father's mandate? For a father to rightly reflect the truth of God and to develop a relationship of trust with his children based on that truth.

SUMMARY

The need for trust in any relationship is basic. Trust starts and ends with God. Between those two points is the family. When a father takes the time to teach his children the discipline of trust, he creates within them a disposition for establishing lasting relationships as they grow older. At the same time, he is helping them to recognize and enjoy the blessings of God.

A father's mandate is to be concerned first about the quantity and quality of trust his children have in him. We must not think in terms of time, but of relationships. How can you guide your children if they do not trust your leadership? Think relationship--a trusting relationship. Only then can you begin the process of leading your children in the everlasting way of Christ.