When biblical love is in the life of the child, he or she will not be held back by the shackles of self-love, self-interest, and self-protection.

4

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU"

In our last chapter, we emphasized the role that stable marriages play in healthy families. In this chapter we will explore the practical side of saying "I love you" to your children and your mate. We believe children who are assured of their parents' love for each other will have greater confidence in their parents love for them. From that confidence comes the emotional energy to give love to others. This does not imply that children must experience a particular feeling before achieving right behavior. Rather, the confidence a continued sense of love brings to a child advances strong relationships and righteous training and does not hinder them.

THE COMMAND TO LOVE

Loving one another means belonging to the Christian community. Love is our identity. Jesus said that. In John 13:35 He said, "By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." The verse has a basic application. Loving one another is evidence that we are Christians. Love is the badge that identifies us as a disciple of Jesus Christ. God wants us to love each other so the world will know that we belong to Him.

In John 13:34 Jesus qualifies the type of love when He says, "This new commandment I give you that you love one another; as I have loved you that you also love one another." Jesus Christ was an example of love. He left Heavens splendor to come to earth and die for mankind, (Philippians 2:6-8). As He loved we are to love. Therefore, knowing how to love correctly is vital to our Christian witness and the place to learn about love is the Christian home.

Two Sides of Love

The two sides of love are giving and receiving. Giving love is the action side; receiving is the feeling side. Giving love is often frustrating because we are not always sure our actions are interpreted as love. For many people, love is an action void of feeling. They just do "love." For others, it is a feeling void of action. There is talk of "love," but no demonstration of it. Not having a balance of each is what ultimately makes the process of loving frustrating.

Actions and feelings are not two conflicting sides of love. Jesus was not emotionless. He loved in action and with feeling. His love in action led Him from heavens splendor to die for us on Calvarys tree (Philippians 2:6-8). His feelings of love were demonstrated for Israel at the death of His friend Lazarus (John 11:35). Both action and feelings are part of the equation of love and, like other biblical truths, both are often violated.

LEARNING HOW TO LOVE

We all recognize that one of the deepest emotional desires we have is to feel loved. God made us rational and emotional creatures. He gave us the capacity to feel loved and, equally important, the ability to choose to demonstrate it. The question to be answered is: How can I demonstrate love in action so that the person I am directing it toward actually senses love?

We know that parents naturally love their children. We also know they can become frustrated in that love. They try many different ways of saying "I love you," but nothing materializes in the heart of the child. Sometimes it appears the more you do, the less the child appreciates your efforts.

Mr. and Mrs. Brown have a wrong view of how to express love to their children. They believe saying 'I love you" means giving their children everything or anything they want and never letting them cry or wait. The fact is, not one of these actions demonstrates love, let alone biblical love. None of those expressions can ever lead a child to feel good about himself or loved by his parents. We do not want you to go down that path. We want you to know how to genuinely say "I love you" in a way that will get to the heart of your child and fill his reservoir of love so he can say the same right back to you.

UNDERSTANDING LOVE LANGUAGES

Love is expressed though emotional languages. A love language is the ability to express love and concern to another person in the primary emotional language of the other person. We will expand on that definition with this example. Not long ago I was in the former Soviet Union and had the opportunity to visit Red Square. As I walked through the square, a crowd gathered to watch the changing of the guard at Lenins tomb. The crowd around spoke their native tongue--Russian. Since that is not my native language, the words were meaningless to me. The sound of Russian being spoken receded to a humming in my ear. As the replacement guards staffed their march toward the tomb, I suddenly heard off to my left, "Hey, Larry. Come over here. You can get a great picture!" Instantly my head turned. I tuned in right away because someone spoke my native tongue, English. Why didnt everyone else turn when they heard English? Because it was not their primary language.

We have been in Southern California long enough to become familiar with Spanish. If Spanish had been spoken that day, I would have identified it. Not as quickly as English, but I would have identified it as my second strongest language. Since French is my third most familiar language, I would have picked it out too. I would not have tuned into French as quickly as Spanish and certainly not as fast as English. The languages we are most familiar with are the ones we readily tune in.

While the crowd stretched to see the event, I accidentally bumped into someone and immediately said, "Excuse me." Although I said it naturally, I realized the person I said it to had no idea what I was saying. English was a foreign language to him.

The events of that afternoon provide a great analogy. What happens with foreign languages occurs with emotional languages. We may speak our primary emotional language, but it often comes across to other people as an unknown tongue. We say "I love you" in one language, while they say it in another. As a result, our efforts to demonstrate love are frustrated, and we are tempted to emotionally walk away from our children and our mates thinking no one cares about our efforts to love. To avoid that frustration, we must first learn the basic languages of love and second, learn the primary love languages of each family member.

There are five ways of expressing love in action to our mate and children so they actually feel loved. Here they are.

Love Language One: Encouraging Words

The apostle Paul identified the power of love when he told the Corinthians that love edifies or builds up (1 Corinthians 8:1). One way of expressing love is by building up others through verbal encouragement. Here are some examples: "Youre such a compassionate person. I need to learn from you," "The flower garden looks beautiful. You must have worked on it all day," or "That dress really complements you."

Taking the time to verbally pat someone on the back is a way of saying "I love you." For some, there is no greater way to express love than by words of legitimate praise and recognition.

Love Language Two: Acts of Service

The apostle John encouraged Christians to love with action and in truth (1 John 3:18). That is another way of communicating love--through sincere acts of service. This means doing something special for another person that you know he or she is going to appreciate. Doing something outside the normative of everyday life. Maybe for a husband it means putting gas in his wifes car on Sunday night so she does not have to think about it all week. Maybe it is shown by fixing the leaky faucet or by getting around to making those shelves she wants for the closet.

When a husband comes home from work knowing the patio needs sweeping and finds it already done by his wife, there is a heightened appreciation for that act of love. Because he did not expect it, the act means more, knowing that she did it because she knew how much he would appreciate it. Whenever you do something for another person beyond the normal course of events, you are saying "I love you" in action.

Love Language Three: Gift Giving

The greatest gift of love the world has ever known is Jesus Christ who gave Himself for His church (Ephesians 5:25). Gift giving is a third way of saying "I love you." Although often a simple gesture, it packs great meaning because of what it represents. Impromptu gift-giving (unlike giving gifts on occasions such as birthdays or holidays) sends the message "When we were apart, you were on my mind. The gift is a token reflecting my thoughts for you." A modest gift is a meaningful token that can say to a needy heart "I love you."

Love language Four: Quality Time

The gospel record provides insights into the quality time Jesus had with His heavenly Father and with the men He discipled. Although His goal was to train His disciples for ministry service, He recognized that they needed to spend personal time with Him. That time with the Master brought conformity to their thinking.

We can best define quality time by stating what it is not. It is not sitting on the couch reading the newspaper or watching television together. It involves more than just communicating impersonal facts like the five oclock news.

Quality time requires that you invest yourself in the other person by listening carefully and giving an appropriate response to what was said. It involves two people who are actively participating in the conversation and going beyond the fact level of communication. The time may only be for ten minutes, but for the person whose love language is quality time, those ten minutes are precious.

Love language Five: Physical Touch and Closeness

Think of what it would have been like to have been one of the children described in Mark 10:13-16 who Jesus held and used as an example. Physical touch and closeness is a special way of saying "I love you." Holding hands, putting your arm around your spouse's shoulder, or just standing dose to each other sends a special love message.

A husband may be working in his garden, and his wife may choose to sit down outside with a book in hand and begin to read. The fact that she could have read the book anywhere in the house, but she decided to be close to him, sends a message of love. Some couples enjoy being near each other even when silence prevails. Just knowing the other person is right there is enough to confirm a partners affection and care.

IDENTIFYING YOUR PRIMARY LANGUAGE

Out of those five love languages, one is your primary language. One of those modes of expression means more to you than the other four, and another one means the least to you. Your primary love language is the one you most enjoy hearing and the one you tend to speak to other people. Learning how to appropriately say "I love you" means learning and choosing to speak all five languages. Here are some scenarios to help demonstrate why.

Scenario One

Bill and Sally had a good Christian marriage, yet the full sensation of love was missing. They knew they loved each other but also felt frustrated in communicating it. It turned out that Bills primary love language was physical touch and closeness. He spoke that language and felt loved when it was spoken to him. The language that meant the least to him was words of encouragement. In contrast, words were Sallys primary language, and the last on her list was physical touch and closeness.

In this example, the couple loved each other, but did not know how to communicate it in a familiar language. Bill would say, "How about a hug?" Sally would say, "Write me a letter." She wanted words of encouragement, while he wanted physical touch and closeness. She would do many special things in the front yard, hoping that when he walked through the door he would say, "The rose garden looks beautiful. Thank you for your efforts." Often he would walk by the garden and appreciate her work but would rarely communicate his pleasure in her primary language--words of appreciation.

Bill and Sally learned that every day you choose either to communicate love or not to do so. When they understood that basic truth, each of them chose to love the other in their primary language. Bill now says "I love you" with words of encouragement. He leaves notes around the house or calls his wife during the day. He chooses to communicate love verbally. Sally now speaks his language of physical touch and closeness. She initiates holding hands, giving hugs, and standing dose during social gatherings. As a result of both of them choosing to love in accordance with each others primary language, the fullness of love has returned to their marriage.

Scenario Two

Dave's primary love language is acts of service; Ruth's is quality time. After work, Dave would come through the door, embrace his wife, and receive an invitation to sit and talk before dinner. Dave would agree and suggest that she make some coffee while he changes his clothes. Ruth would then go to the kitchen to prepare a snack and sit down and wait for her husband.

After a few minutes she would say, "Honey, the coffee is ready. Are you coming?" He responded, "Ill be right there dear--there was some laundry on the bed, and Im putting it away." A few more minutes would go by, and she would call out again, "Coffee is getting cold." He answered, "Coming dear! I was hanging up my tie and noticed that the light bulb had burned out in the closet. I am going to change it so you dont stub your toe in the dark."

After a few more minutes passed, she would hear him in the kitchen and once again ask, "Are you coming now, dear?" She heard back, "I am just throwing the tight bulb away, but I see that the garbage is full. Ill take it out now so we wont have to bother with it after dinner." Once he was in the garage, he would begin emptying the dryer and would hear again, "Are you coming?"

Finally he would get to the couch and ask, "What shall we talk about?" She would say, "Nothing, except that sometimes I feel you don't love me." He would reply, "How can you say I don't love you after all the things I do for you around here for you? I dont understand."

The problem Ruth experienced was not that her husband did not love her. He demonstrated his love through acts of service. But as wonderful as that is, he was not routinely speaking her emotional love language. Whenever he did get to the couch, he had to have something in his hand, or he would request they have quality time in the garage while he was fixing the lawn mower. She was asking him to love her with quality time, but he responded with acts of service. Everything changed once this couple learned how to say "I love you" in each other's primary language and purposed to do so every day.

Scenario Three

For twenty-five years Betty complained when her husband Mike brought her home a gift. It's frivolous, she thought, and something I dont need. When Betty understood the dynamics of communicating love, she wept. She realized for the first time that she was rejecting her husbands expressions of love to her. What compounded her sorrow was learning that gift giving was on the bottom of her list of love languages and realizing that she rarely spoke that language to him, except at holidays. How discouraging it is to say "I love you" only to have it rejected time and time again!

We must not only learn to speak the primary love language of our partner, but also to receive graciously all the expressions of love that come our way from those around us.

Scenario Four

In this illustration, gift giving was last on the list for both a mother and a father but first for their oldest son. They noticed on each trip to the store, he consistently asked for money to buy something. For years they interpreted his requests as an abnormal materialistic streak. They worked extra hard to break him of that trait.

Once they realized their sons primary love language was gift giving, they were better able to work with him. They started to bring home little gifts: a pack of gum, some pencils, a fancy eraser. Nothing expensive, just a little something to say "I love you." That practice virtually eliminated his asking in the store. Mom and Dad learned to say "I love you" in a language he could readily understand. When parents strive to understand their children at such a level, they pave the way for understanding and communication in the teen years.

LEARNING YOUR CHILDREN'S LOVE LANGUAGES

It is needful for parents to learn each of their childrens primary love language. Gift giving is the primary love language of our youngest. Many times we entered our home to hear Jennifer say, "I made you a surprise." Whether she baked a cake, pie, or cookies, she was saying "I love you" through gift giving. In this case, she did not give us something she had purchased, but a gift she had made as an act of love. We would do the same for her. It wouldnt be a big gift. We could buy a ribbon for her hair resulting in her face lighting up because that little gesture confirmed our love in her heart.

Quality time is our eldest daughter's primary language. When we realized that, one of the two of us would take Amy out for a leisurely lunch. By our actions, she knew we were saying "I love you" in a language she could easily understand--quality time. Moments of quality time came throughout the week, but when we sat down at lunch and gave her undivided attention, love was confined in her heart. In contrast Jennifer found lunch time a fun time. But it did not have the same emotional impact as it did for her sister.

Bad Attitude or a Wrong Language?

Parents often misdiagnose a childs behavior and misjudge motives, resulting in frustrated parents and confused children. Coming home from a weekend trip, we would bring a little something for our children. One such time it was teddy bears. When we gave one to Jennifer, she said with exuberance, 'Mom, Dad, thank you. This is wonderful. I love this teddy bear. As she smooched and hugged us, we responded, "That girl has such a thankful and grateful heart."

Then we gave Amy her gift. She replied, "This is nice. Can I talk to you?" "Come on Amy," we pled, "Dont you want to play with your new teddy bear?" After attempting to convince her how wonderful the gift was, Anne Marie and I turned to one another and concluded that Amy was not as thankful as Jennifer.

That was the wrong diagnosis! Amy was as thankful as Jennifer; we just misinterpreted her actions. They meant something different than what we thought. Not understanding the dynamics of communicating love can be costly to a relationship. It is easy to misdiagnose a childs motives based on how we interpret his or her actions. That is why knowing a childs language of love is critical to the developmental process.

SOME CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

Here are some principles to remember:

1. Your primary love language is evident in two ways: You speak it more often than the other languages, and you feel most loved when it is spoken to you.

2. You have the ability to speak all five languages, and you should try speaking all of them.

3. Love languages in children begin to emerge before seven years of age, but become more identifiable by age seven. Before that age, it is difficult to distinguish a language and assign a priority ranking. Of course, all children under seven like presents, hugs, and quality time. By age seven, however, we believe a childs primary love language has developed sufficiently to be recognizable.

4. We believe that the arrangement of your love languages is God-given and not learned. Although the ranking will probably never change, your expression of them may be positively or negatively influenced by your upbringing.

5. Most importantly, every day we choose to love or not to love. Choosing to love your mate in his or her love language is a greater act of love than exercising your own primary language. Jesus loved us when we were least lovely, that is how we should love one another. "Even as I have loved you," (Join 13:34b).

SUMMARY

We want you to learn how to love each other and your children with a biblical love. Biblical love not only fills a child with confidence in your love, but also fosters a love for others. Biblical love looks outward, not inward, and yet at the same time, it satisfies all the inner needs.

In order for your children to acknowledge the preciousness of others, they need to have a sense of love from you. Having a confirmed sense of love is not the basis for right behavior, but it does clear the way for a more comprehensive love of others.

When biblical love is in the life of a child, he or she will not be held back by the shackles of self-love, self-interest, and self-protection. The same is true for you, the parent. In one sense, we all remain children in having a childlike need to feel loved. That is why the family is so important. It should be the haven and the center from which love flows. The ongoing demonstration of love between Mom and Dad should spill over to the children. When we express love rightly in the context of the family, it makes it easier for each member to say "I love you" to those outside the family. When we love with a biblical love, we rightly represent God to the world.

FOOTNOTES:

¹¹ In his book How to Say I Love You (Downers Grove, IL: Inter-Varsity Press, 1972), Judson Swihart puts forth the core of the concepts that are found in this chapter. In addition, we offer many thanks to Dr. Gary Chapman for his additional insights and practical applications. We highly recommend his book, The Five Love Languages, (Northfield Press:Chicago, 1992) for a more complete discussion on this topic.