When there is harmony in the husband-wife relationship, there is an infused stability in the family.
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RIGHT BEGINNINGS
The family is the primary social unit of every society--one worth protecting and keeping. As professionals providing health and educational services to parents and children, we know the tragedy that can befall a family when basic principles of parenting are violated. We have counseled mothers and fathers who, with the best of intentions, started their parenting with love and nurture, only to see their dreams of a beautiful family reduced to a nightmare of survival. The problem was not wrong motives, but wrong methods.
There are two related evils that threaten successful parenting and lead to the demise of the family. The first is downplaying the significance of the husband-wife relationship in the parenting process, and the second is falling into the entrapment of child-centered parenting. To avoid these threats, parents must learn early on that God preprogrammed all factors for success into His divine plan. As with all matters discussed in Scripture, if you violate the principles, you forfeit the blessings. When you embrace His commandments, the blessings of joy and fulfillment will be yours.
A family is made up of both primary and secondary social clusters. The primary family cluster consists of three relationships: husband-wife, parent-child, and sibling-sibling. The secondary family cluster contains grandparents and grandchildren, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, and cousins. Nowhere does the Bible support the notion that two or more unrelated people living together make up a family.
The greater the common ground for all these relationships, the greater the unity, love, stability, and joy for each family member. The assurance of common ground within these relationships occurs only when each generation embraces the biblical foundations for the family and passes them on to the next.
THE HUSBAND-WIFE RELATIONSHIP
The greatest overall influence you will have on your children will not come in your role as a dad or mom but as a husband or wife. Our society has forgotten and even rejected that basic biblical truth. The result is a society consumed with child-centeredness, which is the precursor to self-centeredness.
Many times parents lose sight of the fact that when children enter their family, they enter an already established social structure. Many parents act as if the marriage union were only a preliminary relationship to nest-building, rather than perceiving it as the ongoing priority relationship throughout the child-rearing years. That attitude is a dangerous start to parenthood, because it violates the divine pattern within the family structure.
The opening chapters of the Bible establish the biblical foundations of the family. In the second chapter of Genesis, God amplifies the details from the sixth day of creation for our understanding. The Lord wants us to know exactly what He was thinking when He made man and formed the family.
Genesis. 2:7-17 records the setting of the stage when the Lord planted a garden east of Eden (in Mesopotamia) and created a single man to till and keep it. Adam, standing alone in the garden, framed the backdrop for the next major events: the fashioning of the woman
and the establishment of marriage. The passage addresses two central questions: Why did God create the woman? What was His purpose for marriage?
Man Alone
In Genesis 2:18, God clearly states mans condition by saying, "It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." In that one verse God declares His intent for the creation of woman; man was alone, and that was not good.
Contemplate these two points. First, man was not alone in the truest sense. That fact qualifies Gods statement. Not only was he surrounded by all of creation but, even more substantially, he had a perfect relationship with God! Yet, in spite of those realities, God states that it was not good for man to be alone. Obviously, the implied meaning of "alone" is not in reference to Adams ascending vertical relationship with God nor in reference to Adams descending vertical relationship with creation.
Secondly, in order to understand any Old Testament statement relating to man, we must understand it from a Hebrew perspective. The Hebrew moralists viewed mans personhood as an integrated whole. The Hebrews did not separate the body from the functions of the soul. Therefore, when we read "It is not good to be alone," what is implied and assumed is the total person is being spoken of, not just one aspect of mans being. Consequently, it is not good for man to be alone spiritually, it is not good for man to be alone socially, it is not good for man to be alone emotionally, and it is not good for man to be alone physically.
Gods pronouncement includes all of those dimensions. "Not good to be alone" refers to the absence of another being like Adam, with a view toward completing his total person. In the truest sense, there was a void of intimacy in the life of Adam. The type of intimacy that involves the blending of two persons into oneness and sameness. Adam was alone, lacking an intimate relationship with one of his own kind.
God made man to be a social creature, both in the broader context of the community in which he lives his public life and in the narrower context of the intimacy of his private life. God made man with the capacity for relationships, not only with Himself but also with someone with whom he can intimately share life.
Adams Helper
Genesis 2:18 begins with God announcing His dissatisfaction with man's lonely condition, and ends with His solution: "I will make him a suitable helper for him.
The phrase "suitable helper must be taken back to the Hebrew perspective. It refers to more than just a physical helper, such as one needed to tend the garden. The implication was that Adams needs were special and more specific than anything God had created up to this point. The context of verses 19 and 20 makes that truth obvious. "Suitable helper" does not mean that Adam needed a warm physical body to set in motion all of humanity. Rather, it speaks of one who could complete and complement Adam in every way, and one with whom he could be intimate. Eve was suitable for Adam but different from him. The two together represented the fullness of Gods character.
Continuing with verses 19 and 20, God uses the naming of all the animals as an illustrative teaching device to arouse in Adam a deeper understanding of the need for one like himself. As Adam named all the animals, he realized that nothing yet created could satisfy the condition God called "alone."
Here Comes the Bride!
Genesis 2:21-24 says, "The Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said, 'This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shalt be called Woman because she was taken out of Man. For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh."
The crown of creation was the holy union of the man and the woman. It was more than the creation of another after the 'kind of man. The Scriptures state that God brought the woman to the man. He did not leave her in the garden to scamper around with the animals until they found each other, but He united the two Himself.
Adam immediately responded by naming his new companion woman. What kind of relationship was this? Verse 24 states, 'For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. The phrase "for this cause," also translated "therefore," guides us to the answers of our previous questions concerning why God created the woman and what His purpose was for marriage. The woman was created because it was not good for man to be alone. God provided a companion who was suitable to meet his intimate needs--one with whom he could share his life. For this cause, not only was the woman created, but the institution of marriage was designed. Marriage is the holy reality of two becoming one. God instituted it first and foremost for the sake of partnership, and it is described throughout Scripture as a one-flesh union.
The Significance of the One-Flesh Union
The phrase "and the two shall become one flesh" carries both a primary and secondary meaning. The primary meaning speaks of a union of the man and woman. As stated earlier, the Hebrew perspective appraises man far beyond the physical dimension. "One flesh" speaks not only to oneness in body, but also to oneness in emotions, reasoning, and spiritual life as well.
More practical in application is the secondary meaning. It illustrates that a husband and wife become one in relation to the community. Through marriage, a new social unit emerges. When a man and woman separate themselves from their parents they form a new nucleus, and identity as one unit.
The New Testament clearly reconfirms this one-flesh concept. The writers of the gospel records and the epistles strongly emphasized the value of marriage and marital intimacy. For example, Ephesians 5:25-33 gives us a magnificent picture of the marriage relationship. Marriage involves two persons coming together for the purpose of mutual
love. The Bible exalts marriage to the highest level, symbolizing the Lord Himself as a bridegroom and the believer as a bride. Love is the centerpiece of the relationship. In Matthew 19:4-6 and Mark 10:7-8, Jesus cites the creation account. In both cases He quotes the second chapter of Genesis and reaffirms the institution of marriage as well as the significance of the one-flesh doctrine.
Why did God create woman? Because man was alone and needed someone who could complete him; one whom he would neither worship like God, nor rule over as if an animal. Why did God establish marriage? Because through their marriage, partners may serve one another, and through their lives, they may serve others. Thus, the crowning achievement of creation was the holy union of man and woman. Once the woman had been fashioned, God declared that "it was very good" (Genesis 1:27-31) and rested from His work.
Notice a very important exclusion: children were not present with Adam and Eve when God rested from His work of creation. After He had formed the woman, God authoritatively declared that His creation was very good. We believe that statement to be significant. If children were necessary to complete man and woman, God would have created them before making such a declaration. Therefore, the marriage relationship lacks nothing. Woman alone completes man, and man alone completes woman. Thus, the husband and wife form the nucleus of the family unit. Children do not complete the family, they expand it.
Principles to Guide Your Family
From the verses above, we suggest four principles to govern all family relationships.
Principle One: By Gods design, the husband-wife relationship is the first social relationship established in Scripture.
God made man to act, react, and interact with other human beings. He divinely orchestrated the principles of social interaction. In His wisdom, God began all human relationships with a husband and a wife. Other relationships, such as father and son, mother and daughter, and brother and sister, came later.
Principle Two: By Gods design, the husband-wife relationship is primary in the network of dependent relationships.
The concept of dependency was inherent in all creation. What God created on the second day depended upon that which was created on the first day. Likewise, what He created on the third day depended on what was created the first two days. The same idea is vital to Gods design for human relationships, especially those relationships found in the family.
Moreover, the quality of the parent-child relationship depends on the quality of the relationship between husband and wife. That truth will never change. Much of a childs basic security depends on what he observes between his mother and father. When he sees them demonstrate love and affection for each other, he feels more secure.
Principle Three: The husband-wife relationship must be viewed as the priority relationship in the family.
Priority refers to the prevailing attitude that must be present for successful parenting. If you love your children, you must make the husband-wife relationship a priority. More important than anything you can buy or do for your children is to let them know that Dad loves Mom and that Mom loves Dad. Together, you are the head and heart of the family.
Principle Four: Since marriage is the priority relationship, all other relationships must be subject to it.
This principle speaks of the authority structure within the family. Parental authority is God-given and necessary to enforce Gods moral law in the life of every child. Structure and order are important elements in a childs development. Democratic parenting, the idea that reduces parents to an equal status with their children, was never Gods intention. If there is to be harmony and love in the family, parents must assume their God-given roles by leading the family. If you remove parental authority, you simultaneously dismantle the notion of law and order in the home and society.
CHILD-CENTERED PARENTING
Often parents leave their first love, each other, and focus extensively on their children. Although this may be done in the name of good parenting, it is the first step to the break-up of family relationships. This leads to the second threat to successful parenting: the belief that children are the center of the family universe, rather than welcome members of it. Parents who center their entire world around the nurture of their children are child-centered. They bring the world to the child instead of bringing the child into their world. The childs feelings at any moment are elevated above his right or wrong actions.
The Problems of Child-Centered Parenting
Child-centered parenting threatens successful family life. Listed below are five dangers associated with this style of family government.
1. Child-centered parenting attacks the husband-wife relationship by reducing its biblical significance. In marriage, neither man nor woman can lose themselves. Marriage forces revelation. We are revealed for what we are. Child-centered parenting wrongly authorizes one or the other to pull away, ignoring that God said, "what He has joined together let no man separate" (Mark 10:9). We are less revealed in parenting, thus less honest about who we are. Attempting to avoid the truth about ourselves, we conveniently find in the name of fatherhood and motherhood a more pleasing image. Whenever we pull away from marriage, no matter how noble the goal, we leave our accountability.
2. Child-centered parenting reverses the natural process of moral development by prematurely creating within a child a false sense of self-reliance. The child becomes, in his thinking, self-sufficient prior to the establishment of needed self-control. That happens because the philosophy grants freedoms beyond the childs ability to manage those freedoms. Self-reliance apart from self-discipline is a destructive influence on young children.
3. Child-centered parenting fosters family independence not family interdependence. Children who perceive themselves to be the center of the family universe too often grow into selfish independence. Family independence rather than family interdependence becomes a way of life--a lonely one. Independence robs a child of the opportunity to invest. Where there is no relationship investment, there is no reason for family loyalty. Other people (parents, siblings, and peers) matter only to the extent that advantages are gained by maintaining relationships. What the child can get out of relationships rather than what he can give forms the basis of his loyalty. Child-centered parenting fosters that conclusion.
4. Child-centered parenting magnifies the natural conflict between the natural way of the child and his need for moral conformity. With child-centered parenting, the standard is perceived to be the problem rather than the faulty philosophy.
5. Child-centered parenting for some, comes perilously close to idolatry. When a childs happiness is a greater goal than his holiness, when his psychological health is elevated above moral health, when the child becomes the center of the family universe and not the person of God, it creates a subtle form of idolatry. Children becomes little gods who have parents worshiping their creation and not their Creator.
Stevies parents are child-centered. They do not realize that all their good intentions are fostering a sinful disability called me-ism, or self-centeredness. Stevies perception of his place in life depends significantly on feedback and stimulation from those persons outside of himself. If that stimulation leads him to perceive himself to be the center of the family, he will develop a self-centered perception that he will carry into each relationship as his world around him expands.
God created us with the capacity to both give and take. Stevie's parents are training him to take, but not to give. They wrongly believe that if they demonstrate giving all the time, he will naturally become a giver. He will not. He will only become more intense in his desire to take. If he wants the swing, he will just push another child off because he has not learned patience. He responds to selfish impulses because his parents never trained him in self-control, which means denying oneself at the appropriate times.
Other people simply will not matter to Stevie. He will have difficulty with siblings and peers. He will grow up ill-prepared for real life, in which the ability to give and take is a prerequisite for healthy and enduring relationships. He will suffer in school and at work because other people will not cater to him as quickly as Mom and Dad. As a result of the choices of his parents, life for Stevie will become terribly frustrating.
In contrast, Ryans mom and dad are integrating his life into the existing family structure. They are creating within their son a propensity for close and loving relationships. When a child perceives himself as a welcome member of the family--as opposed to the center of it--he will learn to move in and out of new and expanding social relationships with flexibility and emotional comfort. Being a welcome member of a family produces we-ism, which represents an attitude that accepts ones role in the family as a team member--giving to others as much as receiving. This relationship is the prerequisite to living a balanced life.
A Safe and Secure World
As professionals, we cannot overstate how necessary a healthy husband-wife relationship is to the emotional well-being of a child. Like his brother and sister, the most basic of all of Ryans emotional needs is his need to know that his world is safe and secure. Child-centered parenting robs children of that confidence. Strong marriages create a sense of certainty. What takes place between parents establishes that sense of confidence. When Ryan observes their special friendship and emotional togetherness in the normal course of a day, he is more secure simply because he does not have to question the legitimacy of their commitment to one another.
How amazing it is to realize that children who are only two and three years old have a radar device that homes in on parental conflict. When a child perceives more weakness than strength, a low-level anxiety is produced that ultimately affects every other teaming discipline. Children know intuitively, just as you and I knew when we were growing up, that if something happens to Mom and Dad, their whole world will collapse. If the parents relationship is always in question in the mind of a child, then that child will always live his life on the brink of collapse.
In contrast, when a child has confidence in his parents relationship, he is emotionally free to get on with his life. This freedom is a truth that Ryan realizes but cannot articulate. When there is harmony in the husband-wife relationship, there is an infused stability within the family. A strong marriage provides a haven of security for children as they grow in the nurturing process.
ACHIEVING A BALANCE AND MEETING NEEDS
It is very easy to become child-centered parents. Children are greatly dependent on parents for everything. That fact heightens the gratification of the parenting experience. There are ways you can meet all your childs needs and not be child-centered. Here are a few suggestions that can help you achieve the balance.
1. Life does not stop when you have children. It may slow down, but it does not stop. When you became a mother, you did not stop being a daughter, a sister, a friend, or a wife. Those relationships were important to you before the children were born. Be sure to maintain them afterward.
2. If you had a date night once a week before the children came along, get back to it as soon as possible. If you did not have one, start now. You do not have to do anything in particular, nor stay out any great length of time. But it will be good for you to get back into the habit of dating your mate and letting fiends or relatives watch your children. Children do not go through separation anxiety when Mom is with Dad.
3. Couples often did special things for each other before children came into the family. If there was a special meal you enjoyed preparing, plan that into your weekly meal schedule. Men, when you bring home a gift for your children, bring one home to your wife. Continue to do those things that were markers of your special relationship before the children came.
4. Invite friends over for a meal or for an evening of fellowship. Being hospitable forces you to focus on your home for the sake of ministering to others. This healthy distraction obliges you to plan your childs day around serving other people, which is a good way for your children to participate.
5. Practice 'couch time. When the workday is over, take ten or fifteen minutes to sit on the couch as a couple. Couch time is to take place when the children are awake, not after they go to bed. No interruptions are allowed; this is Mom and Dads time. Say, "Dad will play with Nathan, Ryan, and Becky afterward, but Mom comes first." Couch time provides children with a visual sense of your togetherness. It is one tangible way your child can measure Mom and Dads love relationship and have that inner need satisfied. In addition, couch time provides a forum for Mom and Dads personal and relational needs to be met.
SUMMARY
It is our desire that your family life be filled with joy, abounding in sweet memories and untainted by regret. This is not a statement of idealism, but one of direction and encouragement. Priority relationships are not arbitrary. They are not dictated by circumstances or social fads. Relationships within the family function best when they are orchestrated by common goals--family love and unity.
If you desire to achieve excellence in parenting, you must protect your marriage. A strong marriage acts as the stabilizing factor against the shocks of life. As you maintain your priority relationship as a couple, you are simultaneously hedging against child-centered parenting. From the very beginning, children are to be welcome members of your family, but not the center of it. The relationship you have with your child in the earlier years will be that of a parent, teacher, and governor - but not of a peer.