The appeal process brings authority into focus.
15
THE APPEAL PROCESS
Authoritarian and permissive parents have difficulty assimilating the concept of appealing to authority. The first sees authority as absolute, regardless of parental error or misjudgment. The second rejects the role of authority, and therefore has no use for its safeguards. For those standing between these extremes, the appeal process can help bring authority into focus. To appeal to authority is to acknowledge anothers rule in your life. To be in a position of leadership and to hear an appeal is to accept our human imperfection. Remember, we are not perfect parents continuously making perfect and informed decisions.
The doctrine of authority and appealing to authority can be traced in both the Old and New Testaments. In Daniel 1:8-16, the young prophet Daniel and his three friends, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, were assigned to King Nebuchadnezzars court. Preparation to serve that foreign king included eating his food and drinking his wine. Verse 8 states, "But Daniel purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself with the portion of the king's meat, nor with the wine which he drank: therefore he requested of the prince of the eunuchs that he might not defile himself." Daniel's appeal won him the favor of his captors.
In the New Testament, the apostle Paul decided that he would appeal to Caesar (Acts 25:11). So, he started for Rome to have his case heard in the courts of the Emperor. While Paul was in Rome, a runaway slave named Onesimus convened to Christianity, and Paul sent him back to his master, Philemon. In verse 10 of Philemon, Paul made an appeal to his old friend to forgive and receive his slave again. Thus, we see two cases when Paul chose to appeal to a figure of authority.
The Need for an Appeal
In Chapter 10, we described the character of obedience as immediate, complete, and without complaint or challenge. That response is a difficult task to require of a child. Therefore, sensitivity must be present throughout the training process, or we risk emotionally exasperating our children. Discernment dictates that a parent not ask a child to turn off an approved television program only a few minutes before its conclusion. Nor would a discerning parent ask a child to put away a game if it were very near completion. Those are the types of actions that unnecessarily frustrate children and thus violate the admonishment of Colossians 3:21 and Ephesians 6:4.28
Yet, even the most discerning parent will, at times, be insensitive to special situations. That is precisely why the appeal process is necessary. The child becomes proactive in providing needed information that will help the parent make an informed decision about his or her previous instruction.
For example, Mrs. Jones did not realize that only five minutes remained before Nathans video was over when she instructed him to wash up for dinner. As a result, tension existed between instruction and compliance. Should he leave the program and be frustrated, but obedient? Or should he risk disobeying his mother in order to satisfy his desire to watch the storys conclusion?
Given these circumstances, obedience would leave Nathan in a state of exasperation, violating Colossians 3:21. If he took a chance and ignored her instruction, his disobedience would violate Colossians 3:20. The appeal process bridges the two verses, preventing disobedience and, equally important, preventing exasperation.
The Benefits of the Appeal Process
The appeal process benefits children, parents, families, and society for the following reasons.
1. It makes obedience attractive to children, since they know their parents are approachable and willing to revisit previously given instruction.
2. It protects children from becoming needlessly frustrated.
3. It prepares children to interact correctly with present and future authorities.
4. It prevents parental authority from being arbitrary, legalistic, or authoritarian.
5. It allows parents the right to change their minds without the fear of compromising their authority.
6. It encourages sibling relationships as each child learns to appeal to the others.
7. It reinforces family harmony during the teen years. When children grow confident of their parents fairness, the harmony derived is further magnified in the teen years.
8. It helps accomplish the needed transition from hupakouo, the duty of obedience, to hupotasso, submitting to parents out of devotion. (See chapter 7 and our discussion on obedience and submission.)
9. It facilitates communication in the classroom or in the boardroom. The appeal process should be used among all relationships, including parent/child, husband/wife, employer/employee, and government/constituents.
10. It communicates to the world how Biblical authority maintains fairness with integrity.
Activating the Appeal Process
To activate the appeal process, a child must initiate the conversation by providing new information.29 The parents job is to hear and to act on that information, realizing that "yes," "no," and "maybe" are all possible answers. Parents who wished that they had taught their children the appeal process and who finally did so as a result of these conflicts reported the following scenarios.
Example One
Bob and his family found seats together at the ball game, but Ryan, age seven, sat several seats away. Bob instructed him to move closer and heard, "No, Dad, I want to sit here!" Ryans answer challenged authority and created conflict. If Bob repeated himself, he would reinforce Ryans disobedience. If he gave in, he would be compromising his authority. The "no" response forced Bob to take corrective measures. He chose to physically bring him closer. After receiving a verbal admonishment, Ryan explained, "But Dad, I sat over there because I couldn't see all the players with that banner hanging in my way." Was that a legitimate reason to sit away from the family? Yes. Was it handled correctly? No. The entire scene would have been avoided if Bob had trained Ryan in the appeal process.
The appeal process would have brought peace to the situation without compromise or frustration. Upon receiving instructions, Ryan would have moved near to his dad and asked, "May I appeal?" That simple question would have set the proper course of events in motion. Having received the new information about the low hanging banner, Bob could have reconsidered his sons legitimate request.
During this particular crisis, the father realized the power of the appeal process. By using it, parents can eliminate many unnecessary conflicts without compromising their authority or violating their relationship with their children.
Example Two
Two baskets of clean clothes were waiting in the basement on laundry day. While driving the children home from school, Jan said, "As soon as you kids change your clothes, I want you to go down to the basement and fold and put away your laundry." Both children did exactly as Mom instructed. Meanwhile, their dad came home and asked, "Why are those trash barrels still on the street? I told the kids to put them in the garage as soon as they got home. They disobeyed me!"
This example demonstrates the basic problem of two authorities giving two sets of instructions that require simultaneous responses. To obey one parent forces the child to disobey the other. How could this have been better handled? Had training taken place in the appeal process, the children would have sensed the freedom to say, "Mom, may we appeal to you? Dad instructed us to bring the barrels in from the street as soon as we arrived home. Which task do you want us to do first?" Jan, having received the new information, would be free to reexamine and restate her instructions without compromising her authority or her husband's instructions.
If she instructed her children to do the laundry first, then she would have been responsible for explaining the situation to Dad when he came home. Without the opportunity to appeal, obedience becomes anxious and confusing, often leading to unfair punishment.
Guidelines for Making an Appeal
The appeal process is often misused. To prevent that, consider these seven basic guidelines.
| Guideline One | The appeal process is only for children who are old enough to understand its purpose and who are characterized by first-time obedience. Children five years old and older can quickly grasp the concept. |
| Guideline Two | The appeal must only be made to the parent currently giving the instructions. That is, if Dad is instructing, the child is not to make an appeal to Mom. That would only undermine the authority of both parents. To demonstrate parental unity, neither parent should receive an appeal from a child who has not rightly dealt with the initiating parent. |
| Guideline Three | Parents should only entertain an appeal when the child comes in humility. A gentle spirit communicates a child's recognition of his parents right to rule and overrule. "Why cant I?" "Do I have to?" and "But Mom!" reflect an attitude which is not an appeal, but a challenge to authority. If there is no humility, there is no appeal. The appeal must be made face-to-face and must not be shouted from one room to another. |
| Guideline Four | Appeals can only be made once. In other words, a child cannot repeatedly plead his case. "But Dad, but Dad, but Dad!" and "Please may I, please may I, please may I?" are not permissible. The child must learn to accept "no" gracefully and to do as told. That will happen when the child learns that his parents are trustworthy, and that they will listen to legitimate appeals. |
| Guideline Five | Start by teaching your children to use the exact phrase, 'May I appeal? Wrapped up in these three words is the child's acknowledgment of your authority. Phases such as "Can I say something?" "But, Mom, I cant!" or "Can I ask why?" do not go far enough.30 |
| Guideline Six | The appeal process is a privilege, not a way to avoid objectionable tasks or to get out of personal responsibility. Do not ruin a good thing by letting your child appeal every decision you make. It is not to be used as a forum to state likes and dislikes. |
| Guideline Seven | If the appeal process is to work effectively, parents must be fair and flexible. Think about why you say no. Is there a good reason it cannot sometimes be yes? |
How to Teach the Appeal Process
Introduce the appeal process using the following three steps.
1. Sit down with your children and work through the principles, examples, and guidelines of this chapter.
2. Set up a few scenarios that might fit your family situation. Include in each one an example of how to correctly and incorrectly make an appeal.
3. Once your children have mastered the concepts, test them. Allow the natural consequences of wrong choices to reinforce your training. If they come to you with a wrong attitude or if they fail to bring new information, deny their appeal. If they start to appeal everything, take the privilege away for several weeks.
Remember, the appeal process is a matter of trust. The child trusts the parent to be fair and flexible, and the parent trusts the child to bring new information that legitimizes the appeal process.
SUMMARY
The appeal process is not a cute tick to avoid conflict. Rather, it is a lifelong character building trait. The willingness of an individual to submit to authority is directly related to the fairness exhibited by that authority. In general, life is not fair. Yet, parents can be fair without compromising their authority by teaching their children how to approach them with reasonable appeals.
Footnotes:
28 We draw your attention back to the discussion in Chapter 10. The very nature of obedience will often frustrate children, but that does not mean we do away with the standard. Colossians 3:20 and 3:21 are not two contradictory verses. The standard of obedience remains, and so does the warning against frustrating a child. There is a Biblical balance between these two commands. The appeal process can help any parent to achieve that balance so one does not unnecessarily exasperate his child.
29 Providing new information is not the same thing as providing a personal opinion. Many children offer a commentary, an analysis, or an opinion on parental instruction. However, that is not providing factual information, which forms the basis of making a legitimate appeal.
30 We cannot build a Biblical dogma on the phrase "May I appeal," but our experience has proven that no words so clearly signal a child's intent as these do.