Children quickly learn how to cheat. Unfortunately they often learn it from their parents.

14

DISCIPLINE ISSUES

The preceding chapters served to bring the workings of biblical discipline within the purview of the reader. We surveyed both the encouraging and corrective elements, breaking down each component to consider its function in the overall scheme of training. If any one truth emerged from those chapters, it should be that biblical discipline is not a random field of subjective options. It is an objective method of correcting and encouraging the heart of a child to do right, to love God, and to serve others.

The purpose of this chapter is to bring into focus the relationship between the principles of discipline and the common behaviors associated with early childhood. Those behaviors include whining, power struggles, temper tantrums, lying, tattling, sibling conflict, hyperactivity, and much more.

We desire to make our position clear from the onset. Although all children tend to engage in such conduct and will try to do so if they find it useful to advance their goals, these behaviors are not outside the control of parents. More significant is the fact that parents will either encourage or discourage these behaviors by what they themselves do or do not do. This process is called reinforcement training.

Reinforcement Training

Generally, there is a purpose behind a childs actions. To achieve his purpose, the child may use methods that help him and drop those which do not. Any behavior supported by parents is called reinforcement training; behavior which is discouraged by them is called nonreinforcement training. Both good and bad behavior are subject to reinforcement training. If parents give into whining, for example, they reinforce it. If they take immediate steps to correct and prevent the whining, they discourage it. If parents praise a child for self-generated initiative, such as for making his bed in the morning without being told, they further encourage the behavior. When parents do not give praise, they discourage the behavior. Parents need to be cognitive of the benefits and liabilities of reinforcement training. Positive behavior should be encouraged; negative behavior must be discouraged.

WHINING

Whining is an unacceptable form of communication that becomes annoying to the listener if left unchecked. Besides being obnoxious, it is often a subtle challenge to parental authority. Whining is a learned trait, not a warning of deep-seated emotional problems. There are two reasons why children attempt whining. First, they whine to protest an instruction or decision given by the parent. Because a young child will not dare to directly challenge his mother or father, he will attempt a half-cry whine. "I dooonn wannn tooo" might be overlooked, while "no, I wont" might bring immediate correction. The second reason children whine is the most basic reason of all--it works. Persistent and uncorrected whining can wear down the best of mothers. She may become frustrated enough to give in, but not enough to correct the behavior.

When Might Whining Begin?

At what age might whining begin? As soon as your child begins to communicate ideas. Though halfhearted at the outset and not done with rebellious motives, whining will become either a bad habit or a manipulative tool if reinforced. Whining prior to 15 months of age usually reflects a limited vocabulary. For example, if your baby wants more food, he may use a half-cry communication to ask for it. Although this is an expression of whining, it is not a protest or a challenge to authority at this stage.

Providing an Alternative

The root of the problem is not the whining, but the lack of communicative alternatives. Children between 8 and 12 months of age are cognitively able to communicate, but are not yet verbally capable of doing so. To prevent whining and to facilitate his verbal skills, start at 8 months of age to teach your infant how to communicate through sign language. You can effectively teach the following phrases: "please," "thank you," "no thank you," more food," and "all done."²⁷ Your local library has books illustrating basic sign communication.

Work on one expression at a time, taking the childs hand though the motions while saying the word. Begin with "please," adding the name of the requested item to the end. For example, "please, more cheese," "please, more meat," or "please more drink." When you sense that your child understands but refuses to say it back, use natural consequences to reinforce the correct response. If he desires more food, do not give him any until he signs. If he desires to get down, keep him in his chair. If you find yourself getting into a power struggle, isolate the child rather than giving him the opportunity to challenge you directly. Here are four reasons to teach a young child to sign.

1. You are teaching and reinforcing habits of self-control.

2. It eliminates wrong communicative methods.

3. Signing aids discretionary correction in the future. There will be times when you cannot correct your child publicly or verbally. The silence of signing and Moms facial expression communicate the same intent as verbal correction.

4. You are actually teaching your child a second language during a time in his life when he is most receptive to language formation.

Take your time, be consistent, and above all, be patient with the child.

Whining and the Older child

Mrs. Jones helped Becky become victorious over her whining by providing clear instructions. Knowing the potential for whining, Mrs. Jones said, "Becky, I want you to listen carefully to Moms instruction and think before you respond." Such admonishment helps Becky focus on her weakness, helping her break the habit. The parent must think before giving instructions.

You can extinguish whining in older children by first clearly establishing the unacceptability of whining in the childs thinking. Second, if the child asks for anything in a whining tone, turn on a stove timer for three to five minutes. Then, invite the child to ask again at the sound of the bell. Having to wait is the natural consequence that will cause him to focus on how to ask properly the next time.

Third, if natural consequences are not a sufficient deterrent, make the offense an objective violation. Have the child repeat what you are requiring. For example, a mother may respond to whining with the following dialogue: "Nathan, repeat after me: "Yes, Mom, no whining." The child responds, "Yes, Mom, no whining." Once a child has heard himself verbally agree to the instruction, he usually will not violate it. A swat and the use of isolation would be sufficient consequences if he still chooses not to heed instruction.

TEMPER AND FRUSTRATION TANTRUMS

You cannot expect that a child will achieve maturity in emotional behavior any sooner than he will achieve maturity in other areas of development. How he controls and expresses his emotions is far more important than the fact that he merely controls or expresses himself. There are right ways to express feelings and wrong ways. Throwing temper tantrums is a wrong way. Temper tantrums often occur because the child in the past has successfully negotiated previous conflicts and found parental resolve not to be all it should. Oftentimes, parents simply do not know what to do and give up, allowing the behavior to gain strength.

To say that throwing temper tantrums is a normal phase of development and that a child will eventually outgrow only demonstrates a lack of understanding of childhood propensities. Without correction, the only event that is outgrown is the kicking and screaming. The attitude underlying the tantrum is still there. It will emerge again and again as long as parents treat only the symptoms and not the basic illness. The kicking and screaming in protest will later develop into more serious verbal and physical violations.

A temper tantrum is the ultimate rejection of parental authority. When a parent responds, the goal should not be to suppress a childs emotions, but to help him to gain overall self-control in moments of disappointment and to learn the proper methods of expression. Without such training, he will eventually become a slave to his emotional impulses, and it will be easy for others to take advantage of him. Proverbs 25:28 provides an ample warning, "He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls." The word picture from this verse is clear. The person who has no control over his own spirit is one whose treasury (his mind), can easily be robbed.

Reasons for Temper Tantrums

Children throw temper tantrums for two reasons: blackmail and revenge. Little Stevie blackmails his mother into submission with temper outbursts. He has found this to be an effective method of control, especially in public. Mrs. Jones gives in to him, only to reinforce the behavior. If a child senses that his mothers mind may not be changed, revenge may become the motive. Some children find that throwing a temper tantrum is worth all the associated pain, knowing it pushes a parent to the breaking point. For these children, that is sweet revenge.

What should a parent do when challenged in this way? The answer will depend on the childs age. For a child under two and a half years of age, either walk away or isolate the child. With very little talking, pick up the child and deposit him in his bed. Children will not indulge in temper outbursts if no one is paying attention. A tantrum needs an audience to be successful, and isolation removes the child from center stage.

Follow the same procedure for children over two years of age. During a toddlers tantrum, never spank him, talk to him, or compromise with a bribe in hopes of getting him to stop. Rather, inform him that when he settles down after his temper outbursts, he will receive his spanking. And do it. Without a follow-up consequence, a tantrum has real value to the child. A child must learn that he cannot get his way with tears, stubbornness, or bursts of anger. There are acceptable methods of communication, but a temper tantrum is not one of them.

Frustration Tantrums

Frustration and temper tantrums are not the same activity. With the first, a childs motor skills and ability to control his environment are not yet matched with his perceptual ability. For example, when Becky tried to place her dolls in a circle, one kept toppling over. She knew in her mind what she wanted to do, but could not physically make it happen. Frustration tantrums take place when children know what they want to accomplish, but do not know how to accomplish it. Frustration is the root problem and not rebellion since the basis of the tantrum does not relate to parental instruction.

We naturally desire to help our children when they get emotionally upset. However, do not be too quick to jump in. Make yourself available, but first insist that the child ask for your help. A simple statement such as, "Mom will help you if you want, but you must ask puts the burden of cooperative problem solving on the child. This virtue will be needed later in life. If you sense a growing frustration, and there is no hope of resolving it, then playtime is over.

POWER STRUGGLES

A power struggle results when parents fail to exercise their authority wisely. That is, they allow themselves to be forced into a "must-win" situation over a seemingly minor conflict. There will be some early parent/child conflicts in which parental resolve must be victorious, but you should choose well which hill youre willing to die on. Wise parenting is superior to power parenting.

The gas heater was off limits to 10-month-old Ryan. When he touched it, he received a verbal reprimand from Mom and a swat to his hand. Undeterred, he began to bang on it again. Once more he heard the word no and received a second swat. He looked at her, then touched it a third time, and then a fourth. Back and forth they went. Ryans mom is now in a full-blown power struggle. If she gives up, Ryan learns that persistence pays off and obedience is optional. If she continues swatting him, she moves perilously close to abuse.

This is a common scenario played out by toddlers and young children. There is a way to defuse the potential power struggle and maintain the integrity of your authority. Drawing from our example above, Ryans mom, after the second swat, should have isolated Ryan to his crib or bodily removed him to another room. In either case, she would wisely exercise parental authority and defuse the power struggle.

Surrendering with Dignity

Children should be allowed the freedom to surrender with dignity. Lets return to Ryan and the gas heater to demonstrate this concept. A child will often defy a parent when the parent makes the option of surrender intolerable. That is, a child will persist with wrong behavior if a parent does not give him room to surrender with dignity.

When Ryans mom battled him toe-to-toe, her very presence made surrendering to her authority difficult if not impossible. If she had walked away from him after her second swat and verbal reprimand, he most likely would have left the gas heater alone. Moms presence extended the conflict. By leaving, he would have room to surrender with dignity rather than face a continued challenge. If she had to go back a third time, then removing Ryan would have been the best option. Again, this is wisdom parenting, not power parenting.

DISHONESTY

Both authoritarian and permissive parents raise children with a heightened propensity for dishonesty. The parents who raise their child subject to strict discipline, in which spanking is the answer for everything, will find that their child attempts to escape the inevitable punishment by using a form of dishonesty that brings immunity. Children raised under permissive and democratic methods of parenting are not looking for escapes as much as ways to usurp power and influence those blocking their goals. They calculate their dishonesty and attempt to deceive others in hopes of gaining an advantage for themselves. The three related sister sins of dishonesty are lying, stealing, and cheating.

Lying--The Ultimate Family Sin

Honesty is more than simply not lying; however, one of the most common forms of dishonesty is lying. Everyone lies, both adults and children. Psalm 58:3 says, "The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies." That means man is not a liar because he lies, but he lies because he is a liar. One of the six abominations listed in Proverbs 6:16-19 is a lying tongue ["A false witness that speaketh lies"]. Proverbs 12:22 states, "Lying lips are abomination to the Lord." Lying is an insidious and grievous sin destroying all certainty. It attacks and destroys the bridge of confidence and trust linking each family member to the others. Weaken one link and you weaken them all.

What to Do When Your Child Lies

What should you do when your child lies? Consider the following factors: the childs age, motive for lying, and characterization of behavior.

Consider the Childs Age

When determining the appropriate consequences for lying, a parent should first consider his childs age. The lie of a three year old is different from that of a ten year old. The younger the child, the more shallow will be his moral, relational, and family experience. The three-year-old child does not understand how his lie impacts his relationship with Mom, Dad, or siblings. An older child, however, is more advanced in his understanding of close relationships. Lying by a preteen or a teen is devastating because it is a barometer measuring what the child thinks of the people around him. Punishment in such cases only serves to cause regret, but usually not repentance.

Consider the Motive for Lying

Many times parents are the unintentional cause of their childs lie. Listed below are seven basic reasons for lying. They are not presented to defend lying, but to examine motivation. Rather than excuse lying, these reasons may help to understand it better. Children may lie:

1. to get attention

2. to gain control over an object or relationship

3. to get revenge

4. to escape responsibility

5. to get accepted

6. to balance out the parents unfairness

7. because of parental example

First, parents need to consider these seven possible motivations. If a child is lying to gain revenge, then the job of the parent is to teach him how to let God handle the fairness or unfairness of the situation. If his motivation is to get accepted, examine your parenting practices, looking for subtle ways you or his siblings might be communicating nonacceptance. Go through the list, honestly evaluating the possibility that you may be indirectly causing your child to be dishonest. Again, knowing the motive does not justify the lie itself, but it does give you a starting point toward correction of this sinful behavior.

Consider the Characterization of Behavior

There is a difference, of course, between the child who habitually lies and the one who does so in a moment of weakness. The one who is characterized by lying is saying loudly that relationships mean very little. That child is consumed with self-interest and is not capable of rightly relating to others. For him, lying is a pragmatic act, thus honesty is not a value worth upholding.

The child who is not characterized by lying should not receive the same punishment as the one who is, but should still receive the same explanation of the importance of honesty, trust, and family loyalty. The consequence a parent should apply must be in light of the rarity of the offense.

Stealing

Stealing is another cancer that attacks the familys immune system. Unlike lying, the sin of stealing is a graded offense. That is, the offenses may be graded according to the seriousness of the theft. Taking a cookie from the jar without permission carries a different weight of punishment than stealing $100 from Dads wallet. The punishment must equal the crime.

More significant is the context of thievery. Two children may steal items of similar value, but for one the sin may be much greater. There is a difference between the child who steals a cookie from a jar and the one who steals a cookie from a bakery. Stealing within the family shames the child; stealing outside the family shames the family.

A theft is not always tangible. We can steal someones time as well as their wallet. But the most perfidious way to rob another human being is to steal their good reputation. Gossip destroys reputations, which can never be completely restored no matter how hard one tries. Unlike smoke, which fades away quickly, gossip is a long lasting cloud.

A person addicted to the pleasure of gossip is called an abomination by God (Proverbs 6:16, 19). There can be restoration with the one who lies and then seeks forgiveness. Likewise, there can be restitution for the one who steals the possessions of another. But the one who steals another mans good reputation by slanderous gossip can never pay back what he has taken. His life must be spent knowing he can never pay back what he has illegally taken. The warning is simple: Mind your own business and do not be quick to involve yourself in the scandals of others. Learn for yourself and teach your children that slanderous gossip is destructive. Guard your tongue.

Cheating

Cheating is an act of deceiving or defrauding another. Teachers throughout the years have claimed that when you cheat, you are only hurting yourself. The biblical description of the effects of cheating is not limited to oneself, but includes others. Scripture twice calls cheating an abomination. Proverbs 11:1 says, "A false balance is abomination to the LORD: but a just weight is his delight." Proverbs 20:10 says, "Divers weights, and divers measures, both of them are alike abomination to the LORD." The word abomination is not a pretty one. In both a general and a contextual sense, it refers to something that is repulsive, disgusting, wicked, and foul. What God calls an abomination should be avoided. God loathes the action of one who attempts to take advantage of another by cheating.

Children quickly learn how to cheat. Unfortunately, they often learn it from their parents. How morally credible can a parent be who says to his child, "Tell them you are only 12 years old, then they will let you in free"? Not very credible. Do you sometimes let your children cheat at games, hoping they will find pleasure in victory? How backward is such thinking. Children never feel good about themselves at the expense of sin.

SIBLINGS AND CONFLICT

When we consider the various brothers and sisters mentioned in the Bible, we might draw the conclusion that sibling conflict is legitimate. Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, and Joseph and his brothers are a few examples of sibling problems.

From the earliest days of human history, sin has worked at ruining what could be the most precious of all relationships. In His punishment of Cain, God made it clear that He would not tolerate those who do not consider themselves to be their brothers keeper. So sacred was the role of siblings that Jesus and the Apostles refer to the relationships among believers as brothers and sisters in Christ. "Whosoever doeth not righteousness is not of God, neither he

that loveth not his brother" (1 John 3:10).

Sibling conflict is different from sibling rivalry. Rivalry takes place when, either in actuality or not, a child perceives that he is not loved. First he may act out to gain his parents attention. If that does not work, he will act up against his parents.

Sibling conflict is not simply a phase that children go through, but a moral and relational weakness in need of strengthening. Although sibling conflict is very frustrating for any parent to observe, maintaining biblical love between siblings is hard work, but it can be done. Here are a few suggestions to help you have a more harmonious family.

Resolving Conflict

1. Teach your children how to resolve their own conflicts.

Our children learned very early that peaceably resolving their own conflicts was far better than having Dad come and resolve them.

No Tattling

2. Make a rule of no tattling.

Children bring reports to their parents about siblings for many reasons -- some are legitimate, others are not. The legitimate reasons include health and safety concerns or the honest desire for parental intervention and justice. With the latter, the child has learned that it is much better to have his parents provide justice than to strike back at a sibling.

A sure sign of actual tattling is when a brother or sister snitches for the single purpose or pleasure of getting another sibling in trouble. This is known as malice, the desire to see others suffer or receive pain. In the hierarchy of childhood crimes, this action may be one of the worst offenses. Often, it is done in hopes of gaining both parental approval and assistance. Approval for not being the one doing wrong, and assistance in gaining the upper hand on his sibling by bringing the matter to his parents attention.

Tattling in Scripture is closely associated with gossip, tale bearing, and being a busybody (Proverbs 18:8; 26:20; 1 Timothy 5:13; 1 Peter 4:15). Tattling is to reveal by gossiping. Where there is gossip there is not humility. Do not leave a tattling attitude unchallenged. Unkind speech only fosters sibling conflict. In our home, the tattler received the spanking.

Our children knew the difference between coming out with a legitimate concern and coming to get her sister in trouble. Humility instead of a haughty heart permitted one sibling to report on another. How can a parent know if what they are hearing is a legitimate concern or tattling? Look at the child. Evil intent will manifest itself on the childs face and in his attitude. A parent can see a pure heart in the eyes of the child, and a parent can also see evil imaginations. Proverbs 14:25 says, "A true witness delivereth souls: but a deceitful witness speaketh

lies."

Demonstrate Verbal and Physical Kindness

3. Require verbal and physical kindness among the siblings.

Teach verbal and physical self-control. Give your children guidance in relation to their treatment of siblings and friends. These include no hitting, pushing, talking back, or the general lack of self-control (Proverbs 15:1, 29:11). Take advantage of family times (such as dinner table or driving in the car) to share what each one appreciates about another member of the family.

No Hitting or Pushing

One commonsense rule is for children to keep their hands to themselves. If a sibling gets hit, rather than strike back, he must have the confidence to know that his parents will bring justice. The Scriptures are clear that Christians are ... to "Recompense to no man evil for evil." (Romans 12:17). The door of escape is not retaliation, but seeking out the one in charge, whether it be Mom at home or a teacher on the playground. Justice comes from rightly exercised authority.

No Bad Talk

You have heard it said, "If you dont have something nice to say, dont say anything at all." Your children should never speak poorly to each other. Evil intended remarks such as "I dont love you," "Youre ugly," or threats like "Im going to tell" are unacceptable in a Christian home. Keep watch! Training children to restrain their speech is one of the most overlooked areas in parenting (Proverbs 15:4; 16:27; 17:20; Ephesians 5:4; James 1:26).

Esteem Others

Teach your children how to respect each other. The following areas of training are often overlooked:

a. listening attentively to a brother or a sister

b. responding with the basic courtesies and greetings such as:

"please," "thank you," "goodnight," "Im sorry," or "will you forgive me?"

c. interrupting properly, with only one person speaking at a time

d. sharing property that is reasonable to share

e. praying for brothers and sisters

f. teaching your children to be happy when something good happens to a sibling.

As you train your children to esteem others, you must teach them the moral reason for doing so! Knowing Gods moral reason will ultimately bring them to love their siblings in a sacrificial way.

4. Teach your children how to love sacrificially.

Ultimately, your desire should be to bring your child to the point of Christ likeness, demonstrating God's love in self-generated action. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13). Your children did not choose the family to which they would belong. Do not be satisfied with siblings who just tolerate each other. Instead, aim for the higher standard of sacrificial love. We have found that the way a child treats his siblings is often the way he or she will treat his future spouse and children. Do not curse your future grandchildren by not encouraging sufficient love between brothers and sisters now.

STRONG-WILLED CHILDREN OR WEAK-WILLED PARENTS?

We can assure you there are strong-willed children. We have all seen them. However, there are also weak-willed parents who produce the same results. "But, my child is strong-willed" is a declaration that diminishes parental influence by focusing attention off the parents and onto their child. Many parents would rather chase after the child instead of training him not to run away. The fad that so many parents claim to have a strong-willed child only detracts from the legitimate cases. No one coined this phrase to offer delinquent parents an excuse for their failures. However, that is exactly what we believe it has become.

Every child is strong-willed to some extent. To put the concept into theological terms, every child is self-willed. That is, there is a self-bias determination that drives the child to seek self-interest and self-rule, while he simultaneously rejects the needs of others and parental rule. The greatest influence on the will of a child is parental training. When parents follow permissive and child-centered philosophies, they will usually produce a strong self-willed child. We fear that many parents are out of touch with the real issue in question. The problem is not the childs will alone, but what parents do with the will.

Children learn different modes of expressing their determination. Some express themselves in an outward fashion (often labeled strong willed), while others demonstrate passive-aggressive characteristics. The passive-aggressive personality is just as determined as any other. The only difference is in the way it is demonstrated. We continually warn parents to be on guard for the seemingly complacent child. His determination is strong, but not as recognizable. Parents consider that child easy to raise, thus shying away from any intense form of training. Thinking all is fine, they wake up one day to find this once passive child is determined and belligerent.

Finally, be careful not to label your child and then respond to the label and not to the child. Many parents diagnose their children as hyperactive or strong-willed, then excuse the behavior as something beyond the control of themselves or Gods Word. From time to time we are asked to consult with therapists who work with hyperactive, strong-willed children with personality weaknesses. The condition is common and in fact predictable, when child-centered parenting rules the home. The cause and effect is clear. In these families, there are too many age-related freedoms, not enough boundaries, and insufficient conforming pressure to bring the child to the place of being a cooperative family member.

To cure the problem, we must give the "medicine" to the parent and not the child. If we can change their thinking about parenthood, we have a chance of helping the child. When parents discover the beauty of biblical parenting with all of its ethical safeguards, with its call to family trust and loyalty, and with the call to love one another, then there is hope for recovery. True recovery is not just for the child, but for the whole family.

The Biblical model for parenting works on the heart of the child, taking time to cultivate and bring about the peaceable fruit of righteousness. We admit that mans solution apart from God is much easier--to control the child with mind-altering drugs. A little white pill and everything is instantly tolerable--temporarily. If parents focused less on their childs limitations and more on their potential, parenting would be much easier for everyone.

SUMMARY

Some parents see as their duty the need to make their children happy, never recognizing that this treatment may deprive their little ones of the strength that comes from wise restrictions and loving corrections. These parents give minimal guidance and may even consider guidance as an intrusion into the childs personality. They lean over backward to allow the child self-expression regardless of any offensiveness. They avoid correction or calling a childs errors to his attention so as not to give the child an inferiority complex.

Parents who behave this way fail to realize that children need help in knowing what is good for them. Only when children are sure that their parents care about their actions can they feel desirous of following their parents lead. Not only do these parents give their children a sense of security, but they are simultaneously minimizing the offenses and moral weaknesses covered in this chapter.

FOOTNOTES

²⁷We have consistently found that infants who are reared on child-centered philosophies, such as attachment or neoprimitivistic parenting, lag behind in their ability to learn these simple motor skills. Developmental structures are enhanced with routine and diminished with child-centered philosophies. Orderly interaction with the environment is necessary to bring the child to his full potential.