The power of human nature is too strong and human memory too short for repentance
to be without consequence.
13
REPENTANCE, FORGIVENESS,
AND RESTORATION
In child training, repentance is an essential component of correction. A child must come to repentance after a misdeed. But what does that mean? What is repentance? How is it measured? Many children cry before getting spanked. Is that repentance, remorse, or just regret from getting caught?
REPENTANCE AND RELATIONSHIP
The word most commonly used in the Greek New Testament for repentance is metanoia, meaning to regret or to have a change of mind. Many of us regret our actions when we face the consequences. Sometimes children are embarrassed after the sin is exposed and feel sorrow as a result. Others feel remorse when someone blocks their goals. Just because a person regrets his actions does not mean he has experienced repentance. Regret over an act and repentance because of the act are two different responses.
Unfortunately, people often confuse regret with repentance. You cannot repent without regret, but you can regret without repentance.
For example, little Stevie received clear instructions to stay away from the back fence when playing with his ball. He disobeyed. While playing near the fence he accidentally kicked the ball into the wash. As he watched it float away, he regretted his actions. But it was a selfish regret, not a virtuous one. The focus of his grief was on the ball and on the way he had kicked it--not on his disobedience, or his lack of respect toward his mother, or on the strain his disobedience put on their relationship.
Some children grieve over their actions after suffering a loss of privileges. To regret an action because of inconvenience is neither virtuous nor repentant. The Apostle Paul writes, "Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing. For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death." (2 Corinthians 7:9-10).
It is easiest to understand the doctrine of repentance in the context of relationships. Accordingly, the object of repentance is not exclusively the sin itself, but the effect sin had on a relationship. A childs disobedience disturbs the relational peace between himself and his parents. Love for the relationship puts the sin in context and should drive the child to repentance.
A Christians relationship with the Lord reflects the same idea. Do we repent primarily over our sin, or over what the sin has done to our fellowship with the Lord? It is nearly impossible to regret a wayward action and turn from it if that action has no relational significance. Hating sin is meaningless without an understanding of how it affects our personal relationship with our Heavenly Father.
The same is true with our children, especially those four years of age and older. Within this age group, true repentance takes place when the child realizes how his actions have affected his relationship with others.
That is not the case with toddler-aged children or with those who are in the retraining process. For my two-year-old granddaughter, life is pretty black and white. Although she is old enough to understand wrong actions, she is not old enough to understand how those actions affect relationships. She regrets her wrong actions because of the associated consequences. Her regret may be genuine, but it is tied to the pain of correction. At this stage of life, she does not have the maturity to understand the link between her actions and relationships.
Understanding and encouraging repentance in the context of family relationships is one of the cornerstones of the family. Children who regret their actions but fail to learn the affinity between actions and relationships actually weaken family cohesiveness. When that happens, a type of youth hostel environment permeates the family structure. Everyone lives together by the rules, but there is no resolve for deep and trusting relationships because everyone is just passing through.
That is the current picture in the American home. Everyone is just passing through. Children emerge from the home like pups from a den, stake out their own territory, and do not come back. They are living out Darwin's theory: animals begetting animals, not humans nurturing relationships.23
REPENTANCE, FORGIVENESS, AND RESTORATION
The book of Judges records the cycle of sin better than any other book. The sin cycle includes separation, regret, repentance, forgiveness, and restoration. First the children of Israel would commit sins against their God (Judges 3:7, 3:12, 4:1, 10:6, and 13:1). After the passing of time, they would turn their hearts back to God and would begin to "cry unto the Lord" (Judges 3:9,15; 6:7; 10:10). Gods response was always the same--He heard their cries, delivered His people, and restored them to Himself.
From those examples, three related concepts emerge: repentance, forgiveness, and restoration. Repentance begins with the offender. Desiring to have their relationship restored, the children of Israel would initiate the process by turning back to God. The same is true with our children. The first steps of repentance begin with them and their contrite hearts.
Forgiveness is a process requiring agreement between two parties. It begins with the one offended, who offers it to the offender. Parents should not assume that just because they have offered forgiveness, it automatically brings restoration. It does not! The very essence of forgiveness requires acceptance on the part of the offender.
Parents are to seek repentance, but the process does not stop there. Restoration is the final objective. Often a child will cry or say, "I'm sorry," but that is not enough. Our children need to be restored to us in a right relationship. Restoring the relationship closes the offense and buries it.
Christs atonement demonstrates that basic truth. Jesus Christ died on Calvarys cross, paid for our sin, and now offers forgiveness to "whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord" (Romans 10:13). Does that mean that God automatically forgives everyone in the world? No. Those forgiven and restored to the Father are the ones who have accepted His forgiveness. Christ stands ready to forgive, but man must accept Gods offer of forgiveness through Jesus Christ the Son before restoration can take place.
The same is true in our relationship with children. Do they know that you stand ready to forgive them? Equally important, do they know that it is their responsibility to ask for forgiveness? When a child disobeys a parent, teacher, or another authority, or when he offends a sibling or a peer, he should confess his wrong and ask for forgiveness.24 Asking for forgiveness from another human being is an act of humility. At that point, you are no longer in control of the situation, nor can you dictate the conditions of your apology.
Asking for forgiveness does not mean saying I'm sorry." That phase is reserved for unintentional childish mistakes. If Ryan unintentionally steps in Mrs. Browns flower bed and uproots a new plant, he apologizes by saying, "I'm sorry." That is the appropriate response, since his actions are childish and void of purposeful wrongdoing. However, if Ryan had received instructions not to play near the flowers, his actions would have been foolish and would require that he ask for her forgiveness. To say, "I'm sorry," is to acknowledge a mistake; to ask for forgiveness is to acknowledge motives of the heart.
We believe this distinction is very important. When we intentionally offend another, we have an obligation to seek forgiveness by asking for it, rather than dictating how sorry we feel. To simply say "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" is not enough. Sorrow is subjective and can range from little to great. Forgiveness is objective and has no middle ground--its absolute. That means, it is either offered or it's not. There is no such thing as partial forgiveness.
Restitution
Restitution is a biblical concept defined as repayment for lost, damaged, or stolen property. The principle of restitution was very much part of American Judeo/Christian ethics 30 years ago. If you broke a friend's cooke jar, you bought a new one. If your child uprooted the neighbor's plant, you replaced it. Whenever financial liability occurs as a result of mistakes or intentional wrongdoing, restitution should be part of the restoration process. Some scholars are of the opinion that within the Hebrew theocracy, forgiveness was not complete until the offender made restitution. Restitution was the outward sign of repentance. The Old Testament law required restitution when intentional or unintentional acts caused property damage or loss. In Exodus 22, Moses delineates how and why this method worked (verses 1, 3, 5, 6, and 12). Zaccheus in his repentive statement to Jesus said, "If I have taken any thing from any man by false accusation, I restore him fourfold." (Luke 19:8).
It all comes back to personal responsibility. Saying "I'm sorry" and asking for forgiveness are not enough if you have created a financial liability accidently or intentionally. Restitution must be part of the restoration process. If the child does not have the means to repay, the parent then serves as his proxy and should make restitution to the injured party.
MEASURING REPENTANCE
How do you measure the legitimacy of repentance? By words, by attitudes, or by deeds? Many children cry before receiving a spanking. Often that is a ploy on their part to make their parents think they are repentant or sorry. Others know how to play off of the lighter side of their parents' emotions. They accomplish this successfully by making cute little faces or gestures that they have found to work in the past. Other children use the direct approach. A phrase such as "I'm so sorry, Mom; I will never do that again" is enough to melt the parent.
These are not necessarily legitimate signs of repentance, but ways of making parents think that repentance is genuine.25 There must still be consequences for wrong behavior. Parents have trained a child to a meaningless repentance when they continuously remove consequences on the basis that the child has confessed or appears repentant.
If your child confesses a wrongdoing before getting caught, praise him for his honesty. Honesty is a wonderful virtue--but you do not deal rightly with sin by swapping it for a virtue. You do not justify stealing from the cash box because you gave some of the money to a local charity. If a parent removes the consequence at every voluntary confession, the child will repent every time, whether or not he means it.26
Some people respond in protest to that conclusion by arguing that God does not punish us every time we sin. That is true, and there is a good reason for His mercy. Jesus Christ bore our shame, guilt, and punishment at Calvary. He paid the price and suffered the punishment for every one of our sins. Be careful not to confuse Gods mercy with His Grace. Mercy is not getting what you deserve; grace is getting something you do not deserve. Both operate in concert with biblical justice. Apart from justice grace and mercy have no context and become meaningless attributes.
The working of repentance takes us back to the life of King David. He confessed his sin and God forgave him. Yet all kinds of calamities occurred in Davids life so that he could learn that repentance itself does not eliminate the consequences of sin.
Restoring without Frustrating
Parents often frustrate their children after a spanking by not giving them an opportunity to surrender with dignity. Parents often press the child to agree that everything is all right. They tend to pick him up immediately, hug him, and say, "I love you, your Dad loves you, and Jesus loves you. Now everything is all better." Those are wonderful words of encouragement, but parents often overstate them, leaving the child frustrated. Everything may be all right with the parent, but it is not yet better with the child.
Before a parent and child can experience the fullness of restoration, the child may need a few minutes to deal with some lingering hostilities. In fact, you both may need a few minutes. A few moments alone on the couch can allow time for the child to compose himself before he reaches out to embrace the parent. Restoration is too important to be forced on a child or on the parent.
Children communicate their desire to restore in different ways. Very young children often stretch their little arms upward. This is a signal that they desire to be restored with you. And, as God does with us, parents should allow immediate restoration. Older children demonstrate this principle by attitudes and actions.
A friend shared a personal illustration. After administering a spanking, my friend went out to wash his car. About ten minutes later, the son came out and said, "Dad, can I help you?" The attitude that accompanied the action was a clear signal that everything was over and that the child wanted restoration. He wanted to be with the father in a right relationship and to enjoy the pleasures of their relationship.
That completed the cycle: sin, separation, regret, repentance, forgiveness, and the sweetness of restored fellowship. For this father and son, the division created by sin was gone.
Testing the Acts of Repentance
An obvious test of true repentance is whether the child goes back to doing the action for which his parents chastised him. That usually happens for one of two reasons. First, parents sometimes forget to give the reason for chastisement. The child needs to know which boundary he overstepped. The child should acknowledge his violation and explain why it was wrong.
The second reason a child returns to his misbehavior is due to a halfhearted spanking. That is, the spanking was a token effort to appease the parents guilt and need to do something. For the child, this action is meaningless and frustrating. It is not a deterrent to wrong behavior. For that child, the pleasure of the offense is more rewarding than virtuous restraint. Holding back on the sting of the appropriate consequence only makes the situation worse, (Ecclesiastes 8:11).
SUMMARY
Repentance is another aspect of parental discipline that cannot be neglected if family relationships are to be meaningful. It starts with the offender, who directs it towards the one offended. Forgiveness starts with the one offended, who offers it to the offender in order to make restoration possible. Love for other family members is what makes repentance meaningful. Without these relationships, repentance diminishes to pointless regret.
22 Parents who have the wrong view of punishment usually have the wrong view of repentance. Many parents view punishment culturally, not Biblically. They view punishment as a way of getting even with the child. Once the penalty is paid, the child is free to get on with lifes activities. That wrong view of punishment leads to a wrong view of repentance. The child learns to regret the act, but pays very little attention to the relationships affected by the act.
23 The developmental structure resulting from child-centered and democratic parenting forces role modification and a reversal of parent and child. With such a structure, it is most difficult (if not impossible) for a child to come to complete and true repentance. To accept equality in the parent-child relationship is to give up the needed external pressure required to set and insist on a standard. Why would a child repent over a standard set by a non-authority figure in his life, (i.e., the parent)? The standard becomes relative to the child. When the standard is minimized, abandoned, or made relative, there is nothing for a child to repent over.
24 confession is a brief description of one's offense. "Will you forgive me, Mommy, for disobeying you?" replaces "Will you forgive me, Mommy?"
25 Although true heart repentance should demonstrate a balance between emotions and intellect, there may be an occasional time when a child demon-states only intellectual repentance. With emotional repentance, you usually see a change in the child's spirit. With intellectual repentance, the change may only be in the child's thinking. Intellectual repentance may take place when a child does not understand all the reasons which are keeping him from doing what he wants. He is willing to avoid wrongdoing based on an intellectual acceptance of the parents facts, but not based on an emotional acceptance of wrongdoing. For example: A child may not agree with the reasoning behind parental correction, but he is willing to change for no other reason than because that is what Mommy or Daddy said. Although this should not be the norm, intellectual repentance in such cases is acceptable.
26 There are times when a verbal rebuke is a sufficient consequence; that is, when a child voluntarily confessed wrongdoing. That would be the exception, not the norm and would depend on two considerations: whether the child has been characterized by disobedient behavior in other areas and by the seriousness of the offense.