Since Biblical discipline develops internal management by educating the child in moral principle, there will be times when controlled force is necessary to bring about the desired goal. Control without guidance is authoritarian; guidance without sufficient control is permissive.

12

GUIDELINES FOR CHASTISEMENT

Throughout history, correction with physical pain has been the common method of curbing a childs defiant behavior. History records many abuses in the name of correction. For example, in the eighth and ninth centuries, priests believed that children who cried excessively were possessed by demons. To exorcize the demons, they said prayers and the children were repeatedly flogged. From that period came the cruel phrase "to beat the devil out of them."

Spanking is a universal form of correction and not a fabrication of Western Judeo/Christian beliefs. Even those cultures that reject the Bible consider chastisement necessary for correcting a childs waywardness. Nature itself teaches that there is a place for chastisement. All higher animals will strike their offspring at times to curb unwanted behavior.

Although many claims have been made in an attempt to dismiss spanking as a necessary and useful element of discipline, there are no legitimate studies at this time to support those claims. There are plenty of fallacious, ideological assertions offered, usually to intimidate parents, but not a single serious scientific study. Here are a few examples of these unsupported claims.

1. Spanking doesnt work.

2. Spanking your child only teaches violence.

3. Spanking teaches that you can get what you want by force.

4. Spanking teaches children to hit others.

5. Spanking is child abuse.

Some people insist that spanking does not work. They arrive at that conclusion more often from ideological thought than practical experience. Of course spanking works. That is why the vast majority of American parents use it to correct a childs rebellious behavior. One support for the benefits of spanking is to look at the behavior of the children raised by the small percentage of parents who do not use it--it shows. The fad that parents can misuse the discipline tool of spanking is not new, nor does it argue against the necessity of chastisement.

If spanking teaches violence, how do you explain why children whose parents never spanked them are so violent? If spanking teaches hitting or the abuse of power, how do you explain why children who are not spanked hit and abuse other children? The problem is much more fundamental than spanking--it is a problem of the human heart.

Ironically, the further a society moves away from the legitimate use of corporal punishment, the more violent it becomes, as demonstrated during the last 30 years in America. The more the theorists have attempted to intimidate parents into not spanking their children, the more clearly parents have seen the need for it. This topic is further discussed in Appendix Six.

Chastisement and Character Development

Since Biblical discipline tries to develop internal management by educating the child in moral principlethere will be times when controlled force is necessary to bring about the desired goal. , Control without guidance is authoritarian; guidance without sufficient control is permissive. Christians are quick to say that the Bible condones spanking. That is true. The Bible encourages spanking but does not command it. We support its use because it is part of the wisdom literature of Proverbs and is used in conjunction with righteous training.

The statements found in the book of Proverbs are just that--Holy Spirit inspired proverbs of truth and principles for righteous living. That is why we believe spanking is a wisdom dictate more than a direct command. It is an effective tool, assisting in the process of advancing a young childs moral maturity. Chastisement and righteous training are not mutually exclusive activities; rather, they are partners in the same cause.

Chastisement is the most intense and humbling form of corrective discipline. Biblical character training, on the other hand, represents the highest standard of moral training. Both work in harmony together. Chastisement is ineffective as a corrective consequence if parents do not pay equal attention to training the heart. If you are not aggressively working on your childs heart by teaching virtues of love, honor, and self-control, then we suggest you not spank your child.

CULTURAL SPANKING AND BIBLICAL CHASTISEMENT

God determined the role of parents at the beginning of time. They are to act as governors, ruling on the outside until the child is able to rule himself from within. Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.^" The management responsibilities of the Masters children include the use of controlled force. Our society calls it spanking; the Bible calls it chastisement. Chastisement means to inflict pain with controlled force on an individual to amend an inner attitude. Please take note that it is not to punish behavior but to change the attitude leading to wrong behavior.

There is a great difference between cultural spanking and Biblical chastisement. Listed below are nine major contrasts.

Chastisement: When and Why

Offenses that require chastisement are those related to rebellion. Rebellion is a heart issue that includes defiance, disrespect, disobedience, and any willful failure to learn to remember. The child who constantly says "I forgot" is in as much rebellion as the child who directly disobeys. In this case, rebellion is not so much the failure to heed the instruction but the failure to even attempt to remember it.

The sensation of pain draws attention to foolish decisions that can lead to wrong behavior. Children are impulsive by nature. Chastisement serves as a mentor to teach a child to become the master over his foolish impulses and not the slave to them. Chastisement is not only for the moment but for the future. Just as immunizations protect a child from potentially deadly diseases, the pain of chastisement protects him from the devastating results of future foolish decisions (Hebrews 12:11).

Parents should always consider the dignity of the child when chastising. Therefore, chastisement should always be a private matter between parent and child. You should not spank on bare skin.¹⁹ You should not swat your child in public, in front of adults, in front of unrelated children, and only rarely in front of siblings. The goal is not to embarrass your child into right behavior, nor to intimidate the child by making a public example of him.

Objective and Subjective Spanking

Parents that train to first-time obedience will spank more at first but less in the long run. The higher standard forces objectivity by removing the guesswork for both parent and child. That is objective spanking. Both parent and child know exactly when a spanking will result and why it is needed. The child is the one who ultimately determines whether a spanking will occur by what he does or does not do.

Parents who do not require first-time obedience spank subjectively. That is, the parents subjectively determine the chastisement, often based on mood, whims, and other external factors that are sometimes totally unrelated to the childs actions. There is no predictability or consistency as to when a spanking will come. The child is suspended in the fear of not knowing when his parent will judge his offenses. He tiptoes across the boundary, then dashes back in hopes of not getting caught.

Parents who spank subjectively are guilty of encouraging a childs irresponsible behavior by tempting him to sin. Because children are gamblers by nature, the subjective approach to spanking only serves to encourage the taking of chances.

When spanking is used as a subjective last resort, punishment comes perilously close to abuse. How will the child ever know for sure when all the options are played out? All of a sudden one day, a frustrated, overly reactive parent who simply cannot take it anymore will chastise him. Not dealing properly with the little offenses only fuels the potential for abuse. Subjective parenting produces less than satisfactory results.

Childish Punishment and Foolish Behavior

Chastisement and punishment are not interchangeable words referring to the same action. There is only one type of chastisement, but there are many types of punishment. Chastisement is always associated with rebellion, but rebellion is not always corrected by chastisement.

A child knows when he has broken the rules, and his guilt continually reminds him of his violation. Guilt is the reminder of sin. Chastisement is the price paid to remove the guilt thus freeing the child from his burden. If the parents do not remove the guilt, the child lives under the weight of sin. When an offense calls for chastisement, parents should chastise. If they substitute a lesser punishment, the guilt remains, and the child will suppress it. That, in turn, leads to more antisocial behavior.

For example, the parent who uses the method of timeout for offenses that call for chastisement only succeeds in frustrating the child. The more the child suppresses this guilt, the more hyperactive the child becomes. He tends to push the limits--provoking his parents to action. We believe this is the childs way of pleading with his parents to do something about his guilty heart.

Parents Who Love Will Chastise

Understanding the reason for chastisement and the consequences of suppressed rebellion should make it easy to understand that chastisement is an expression of parental love. This is the same analogy used in the Old and New Testaments to describe our Heavenly Father and His love for us. Consider the statement of Moses: "Thou shalt also consider in thine heart, that, as a man chasteneth his son, so the LORD thy God chasteneth thee." (Deuteronomy 8:5).

The writer of Hebrews declares it again, "For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?" (Hebrews 12:6-7). The Lord Himself understands the roles of both mother and father, and He loves His children a thousand times more than any of us can love ours. We are instructed to deal rightly with our children from the same motivation of love as God Himself. Yes, even to chastise when necessary.²⁰

But many parents listen to a strange voice speaking contrary to Scripture that says, "But God is love, and it is His love and patience that allow me to bear my childs corruption and not strike the sweet thing." The Holy Spirit speaks back to the voice and says, "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." (Proverbs 13:24). You do not love your child, but hate him, if you do not correct him early. "Chasten thy son while there is hope." That is, chasten your child while he is young and there is great hope of doing him good by it (Proverbs 19:18a). There is small hope afterwards if correction is neglected.

Again we hear the strange voice. Oh but I cannot endure to hear him cry." But what are the next words of the Holy Spirit? "And let not thy soul spare for his crying (Proverbs 19:l8b). How well the Spirit of God speaks to human folly. Do not let the childs complaining move you to a false compassion, for a false clemency is a greater cruelty.

We hear the voice say, "Would you have me be cruel to my own child by striking him?" But the Holy Spirit says that is not cruelty. You are unmerciful to the child if you do not correct him. "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with

the rod, he shall not die." (Proverbs 23:13)." He will die in foolishness if you do not correct him. You are cruel if you will not do what is necessary to keep a child from perishing.

Then the voice would say, "Oh, but his faults are nothing but the innocent play of childhood." No, says the Holy Spirit, "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of

correction shall drive it far from him" (Proverbs 22:15). But the voice says, "I will stifle his genius and creativeness if I correct that way." The Holy Spirit says, "The rod and reproof give wisdom" (Proverbs 29: 15a).

The voice speaks again, saying, "Oh, but my child wilt hate me, not love me, and I will lose his comfort." But the Holy Spirit says, "Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul" (Proverbs 29:17). It is early correction that brings the delight of the soul to every parent who abides according to the wishes of the Holy Spirit.

That voice--is it the voice of God? If it is not of God, then to whom are you listening? "But a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame" (Proverbs 29: 15b). Do not be a parent like Eli, who was warned, "[thou] honorest thy sons above me," (1 Samuel 2:29). When you fear losing your childs love more than losing favor with God, then you will raise your own Adonijah, the son David never crossed at any time (1 Kings 1:6), and whose short life was pitted with destruction.

To obtain for our children the spiritual and saving blessings comprised in the gracious promises of Gods Word, we must believe and be faithfully obedient. Without faith, we have no title to any blessings of promise. Without obedience, we cannot expect the favor of God and the communication of His grace on our children or on our efforts. God is not obligated to extend His grace to those who know to do right but fail to do so.

Breaking the Childs Spirit or His Will?

Parents are often warned not to break the spirit of the child, but his will. Why break either? You do not want to break the will but the selfish expressions of the will. Instead of breaking the will, parents should train the child so he can gain control over his own will. The nature of a child is self-willed, self-indulgent, and self-directed. The weakness inherent at birth is the lack of moral fortitude that brings fleshly impulses under control. The job of the parent is neither to eliminate the childs self-rule nor to break his will. It is to help him eliminate acts of self-rule guided by the unregenerate flesh and replace them with acts of self-rule guided by moral principle and ultimately regeneration.

In contrast, breaking the childs spirit should be of concern. Unfortunately the statement itself has become another meaningless declaration. A mother will say, "I am concerned that if I insist on the standard, I will break my childs spirit." Not so. You do not break a childs spirit by teaching, training, correcting, and living to Gods standard. That only strengthens the child. The issue is not the spirit, but the dignity of the child. A child is made in the image and likeness of God. When human dignity is attacked, the image of God is attacked. A child is robbed of his dignity when called names, (such as: stupid, dumb, or imbecile), when he is humiliated, screamed at, or belittled in front of others. Those are the actions that break the childs spirit.

Chastisement and the Blended Family

There are guidelines to consider if you are in a stepchild relationship. First, if there is no memory of the biological parent, the stepparent will have more freedom to chastise when needed. If, however, a child maintains contact with or has a memory of the absent biological parent, then the natural parent should administer the majority of chastisement, with supportive verbal reinforcement and encouragement coming from the stepparent. These are suggestions to consider, not rules. There are many variables potentially associated with blended families that can cause the grey areas of corrective discipline to increase.

THE ROD OF REPROOF

The Bible further establishes support for chastisement by statements made in regard to the neutral object used for chastisement--the rod of reproof. The word rod has several different meanings in the Old Testament. To David it was a symbol of guidance and care. Psalm 23:4 says, "Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." The rod was also a symbol of authority and rulership. "Moses took the rod of God" in Exodus 4:20 and held the rod of God in his hand against Amalek in Exodus 17:9. Many miracles were performed with rods (Exodus 8:5, 14:16; Numbers 20:11). The rod was also a symbol of Gods anger and chastisement. References to the rod occur throughout Scripture (2 Samuel 7:14; Job 9:34, 21:9; Isaiah 9:4, 10:5, 30:31; Lamentations 3:1). Psalm 2:9 tells us that someday [the Lord] Jesus will rule the world with a rod of iron. In reference to child training, the rod was the instrument of correction (Proverbs 22:15), not a symbol of training.

Other Scriptures

Relating to chastisement, the rod was used for a child, a son, a fool, and a slave.

The Characteristic of the Rod

The rod referred to in the Bible came from a branch of a tree or from the stem of a bush. The context of each passage specifies which type of rod is implied. Just as the rod of "thy rod and thy staff" is not a thin offshoot of a bush, the "rod of correction" is not a five pound branch. Context and common sense point to the use of a neutral instrument that has some flex to it for chastisement.

Parents should not chastise their children with anything stiff and unbending. A wooden spoon could possibly break fingers that get in the way, cause vertebral damage if struck too high, or damage skin tissue. Nor should we chastise with an instrument that is too flexible, such as a fathers belt, a wire, or any whip-like object. However, a somewhat flexible instrument stings without inflicting bone or muscle damage, since the flex itself absorbs much of the shock at contact. If there is no pain, then the instrument is probably too light or too flexible. If there is injury, the instrument was too heavy, too stiff, or inappropriately used.

WHAT TO DO AFTER CHASTISEMENT

What should you do after chastising your child? Here are the five most frequently offered suggestions.

1. Immediately after chastising, place the child on your lap. Talk to him about his actions, affirm your love, and pray with him.

2. After chastising, have the child sit quietly and think for a few minutes about what he did wrong. Then, talk with him about his actions.

3. After chastising, send the child to his room with instructions to remain there until you say he may come out.

4. After chastising, warn the child not to repeat the offense. Consider the matter closed.

5. After chastising, do and say little and consider the matter closed.

Which method listed is correct? Each of the five may be appropriate when used in context with the offense. Exclusive use of any one method will only leave the child frustrated. A parent, for example, who uses method one or two exclusively creates a dilemma. Either she will go through the process for even the smallest offense, thereby exasperating the child, or she will only chastise major offenses, letting the little offenses and acts of passive rebellion go by. Either choice may be detrimental to the child.

The seriousness of the offense and the age of the child should be considered when deciding what to do after administering a spanking. Parents must chastise for both acts and attitudes of rebellion or disrespect. The weight of each offense varies. A four year old who says "shut up" to her sister has committed a lesser offense than if she had said it to her mom.

Parents should use a balanced approach when training children. There is no one method that is more spiritual than another. Parents can misuse praying with the child, especially when the child does not truly have a repentant heart, and the parent still insists on praying. On the other hand, to never say anything after chastisement is just as wrong. Many times the child needs to have the reason for chastisement explained in order to learn the lesson. Communication with the child should take place before and after chastising. Beforehand, establish the childs guilt and have him accept responsibility for his own actions. That is accomplished by telling the child why he is getting his spanking. He needs to know what he did wrong, and why he is being chastised. Never ask, "Why did you do it?" You will probably hear several reasons that, in the mind of the child, justify his actions. After the spanking, remind him that although this time he made a foolish decision to disobey, next time he can make the right decision to obey. Next comes restoration. If there is no restoration, your correction is incomplete. Restoration is the topic of the next chapter.

Chastisement and Your Childs Age

Chastisement has a greater learning curve associated with it in the early years of a childs life. We estimate that when parents chastise correctly and start early, 75 to 80 percent of all spankings will take place between 14 and 40 months of age. (Isolate infants under 14 months, but do not spank them.) [Fourteen months sounds late!] The last 20 percent will come sporadically over the next ten years; parents wilt use them in conjunction with other forms of punishment.

A most commonly asked question is this: How many times should a child be spanked at any one instance? We can only provide some general guidelines, but no hard-and-fast rules. The number of swats will depend on both the offense and the age of the child. The older the child, the more the swats received. Children between 14 and 19 months may receive 1 to 3 swats. Any more than that would be rare; Between 19 months and 3 years of age, a child might receive between 1 and 5 swats. A child between 3 and 5 years of age on occasion might receive more. The point is this: the older the child and the more serious the offense, the more swats they may receive. In this case, other forms of punishment may accompany chastisement.

Why Chastisement Sometimes Fails to Work

The following list summarizes why chastisement may fail to be an effective tool of discipline.

1. Parents use the wrong instrument.

2. Parents swat hard enough to get the child upset, but not hard enough to outweigh the pleasure of sin.

3. Parents chastise through clothing that is too thick.

4. Parents talk too much, hoping to persuade by logic.

5. Parents are inconsistent.

6. Parents fail to establish clear boundaries.

7. Parents are afraid the child will not love them.

Summary of Chastisement

1. Parents should reserve chastisement for acts and attitudes of rebellion

-- both active and passive.

2. Parents cannot chastise a child into submission.

3. Parents cannot undo years of poor parenting by chastisement.

4. Parents must chastise consistently or not at all.

5. Cultural spanking and Biblical chastisement are different.

6. The rod should be somewhat flexible, not stiff or unbending.

7. Parents should never use a chastising instrument on a child unless they have tried it out first on themselves.

8. Parents should limit chastising with the hand, but not completely rule it out.

9. Parents should never use the fathers belt as the rod of correction.

10. Parents should only use the rod of correction in privacy on a childs clothed bottom.

CHASTISEMENT AND THE ABUSIVE PARENT

When parents carry out proper Biblical discipline, everyone benefits, children, parents, and society. When parents abuse their children, whether by intent or neglect, humanity sinks deeper into its shame. Where does that leave parents in regard to spanking? Should we or should we not spank our children? Are we teaching them violent behavior, or are we molding their wills for the benefit of themselves and society?

How a person defines child abuse determines his view of corporal punishment. Child abuse cannot be defined simply as hitting a child.

That definition is far too broad. In reality, child abuse is any act of omission or commission that endangers or impairs a childs physical or emotional health and development. The point at which a parent inflicts injury, rather than inflicting pain, is where the line separates physical punishment from abuse. There is a great difference between inflicting injury and inflicting pain for the purpose of treating a childs behavioral rebellion. Physical punishment (spanking) is not child abuse. Spanking becomes child abuse when it is used by disturbed, frustrated, or pathological parents who will find a way to abuse children no matter what disciplinary techniques are allowed. When we look at the characteristics of abusive parents, five common traits stand out.

1. Verbal aggression. Abusive parents tend to scream at their children as if they are letting out all their anger and frustration through their vocal cords.

2. Verbal assaults. Abusive parents tend to call their children names, express hatred towards them, or verbally assault them by degrading and belittling them.

3. Excessive physical punishment. Abusive parents have no starting or stopping point--they just continue hitting.

4. Uncontrolled emotions. Abusive parents communicate by actions and attitudes of anger and hostility.

5. Absence of reasoning. Anything can set abusive parents off, including actions unrelated to the child. Because they have no self-control to govern their own thinking process, they are slaves to their reactive impulses.

These are five common traits of abusive parents. Do you know anyone like that? Have you examined yourself? If you need help, seek counsel from your pastor.

FOOTNOTES:

19 A child still in diapers would be the exception to not spanking on bare skin. Spanking over diapers is not productive. Parents can spank on the upper thigh just below the diaper line, or pull up the diaper and spank higher on the buttocks area.

20 In 1624, English cleric Arthur Hildersham addressed a message to parents who found many excuses for not yielding to and trusting the writings of the Holy Spirit. The narrative above and to follow was adapted from his lectures on parenting.

21 The word beat does not mean to strike with lashes as carried out on a prisoner. The original meaning is much gentler than the English translation. The idea is to inflict sufficient pain to draw a childs attention away from destructive foolishness to constructive wisdom.