Since the principle function of discipline is to teach morally responsible behavior (i.e.

righteousness), biblical discipline achieves that end more successfully than permissive or

authoritarian parenting styles.

11

ELEMENTS OF DISCIPLINE

Discipline is a process of training and learning that fosters moral development. It comes from the same word as disciple--one who is a learner. No child is endowed from birth with self-control, nor has he experienced enough in life to know how to discipline himself (Proverbs 29: 15). Parents fulfill that role as teachers, while children are disciples who learn from them a way of life (Proverbs 1:8-9).

Methods of discipline are changing once again. In recent years there has been a general relaxing of the permissive and democratic methods popular during the rebellious 1970s. Part of this change is due to the renewed acceptance among secular theorists that rebellious behavior does not originate from defective parenting, but from something much more basic--the childs nature. Defective parenting certainly encourages the natural propensity of rebellious autonomy, but does not create it (Proverbs 22:15a).

Since the principle function of discipline is to teach morally responsible behavior (i.e. righteousness), Biblical discipline achieves that end more successfully than permissive or authoritarian parenting styles. The positive aspects of Biblical discipline are synonymous with education and guidance in that they emphasize inner growth, personal responsibility, and self-control. All of these qualities lead to behavior motivated from within the childs heart (Proverbs 2:19, 4:23).

Many parents consider discipline to be a means of controlling the childs actions for the moment. That is true, but only partially so. The primary objective in discipline is long-term. Any expedient actions that are taken for the moment must be in harmony with the overall objective. Gods purpose for discipline is precise--it is to bring about the peaceful fruit of righteousness. Hebrews 12:11 states, "Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby."

Biblical discipline consists of a number of essential principles and actions, some encouraging, some corrective. Various forms of encouragement that complement the Biblical process include affirmation, goal incentives, praise, and rewards. The corrective side consists of verbal reproof, natural consequences, isolation, restrictions, loss of privileges, and chastisement. Each activity has purpose, meaning, and a legitimate place in the overall process.

SUMMARY OF ACTIVITIES

The Bible provides sufficient principles for childrearing, but as stated earlier, it does not give us a detailed blueprint for every action. Gods Word speaks clearly of the righteous goal for parenting, "Be ye holy for I am holy" (1 Peter 1:16), but not as clearly about the method of training. In order to maintain Biblical harmony in the training process, the following guidelines are foundational to our thoughts:

All activities of discipline, both positive and negative, must be compatible with Biblical theology. No activity can be antagonistic to general Biblical revelation. Guiding principles result either from expressed Biblical statements or Biblical examples. From these assumptions we generated Chart 11-1 (located in your outline).

Chart 11-1 diagrams a number of disciplinary concepts that are compatible with the Biblical design for childrearing. The process begins with parental instruction, which is reinforced by a combination of positive and negative activities. In this chapter, we will summarize the purpose of each activity and its relationship to the overall strategy of Biblical discipline. In the following chapters, we will expand on some of these concepts and discuss other related elements. Charts 11-2 and 11-3 focus on the greater particulars as they relate to encouragement and correction of behavior.

Instruction

Instruction is the starting point of training. Instructing a child in living wisely is done both verbally and by example (Philippians 4:9). If you do not instruct your children, how will they ever know what is required? If you do not live the virtue you are communicating, how much can it really mean?

Not all actions are moral in nature--some are morally neutral, related to basic skills and to the development of talents. Learning to swim, tie a shoelace, ride a bike, kick a ball, climb a rope, play the piano, or memorize the multiplication tables are nonmoral activities. They are skills associated with natural gifts, talents, and mental attributes. Recognizing the difference between moral and morally neutral behavior is an important first step of training. The encouragement or corrective process for developing a skill or a talent differs from that of modifying behavior. The latter does not have its roots in a childs natural abilities, but in his heart.

S1 Skills, Talents, and Giftedness

Skills, talents, and giftedness differ from one another. Skills are basic to all human beings --riding a bike, learning to swim, and throwing a ball. Natural talents are gifts from God. They differ from skills in that they are not universally given to all. Everyone has talents, but not necessarily the same talents. Giftedness is a magnified talent. There are many naturally talented musicians, but Mozart was gifted.

One of the most important and rapid areas of development during the early years of a childs life is motor skill development. From the helpless state of infancy, his skills develop continually. A child learns many skills in progressive stages. When a toddler throws a ball, he does so with his whole body. As his coordination develops, he will, throw the ball with just his arm. A childs natural skills, talents, and gifts are often in need of training. Learning to ride a bike is a skill, but riding a bike in such a way as to not hurt someone is behavioral. Learning to swim is a skill, but bullying other children in the water is wayward behavior. We contrast these because it is important to understand the difference between the two. It is wrong to treat a moral act as a skill, and it is equally wrong to treat deficiencies in skills as a moral weakness.

There are three essential elements required in the development of skills: patience, guidance, and motivation. For a child to be willing to invest time and effort into the practice essential to the development of a skill, there must be some source of satisfaction to provide the motivation. That motivation comes by way of parental praise and goal incentives.

S2 Verbal Praise

A common source of motivation for a childs development of skills is the personal satisfaction obtained from the verbal praise received (Proverbs 15:23b; 25:11). For example, "Great job catching the ball, Ryan. I can see how much your practice has helped you." Or, "Jennifer, Im listening to you play the piano. I can hear how much you have improved over last week by just adding five minutes more to your practice time."

Link your words of encouragement to the cause and effect of your childs efforts. In both of these illustrations, the praise was tied to gains made as a result of practice. Linking your encouragement to a specific activity helps the child to measure the value of his practice and encourages him to continue his effort.

Children will often share their little successes with their parents for the purpose of hearing praise. Such confirmation encourages their hearts. For example, when Becky walked over to show her mom the picture she colored, her mother complimented her nearness by saying, "What a good job of staying in the lines, Becky." Yet, we have found that the most effective praise motivating a skill comes when the child is not expecting it. For example, if Beckys mom had unexpectedly noticed how well she had stayed within the lines and then praised her, it would have meant even more (Proverbs 27:2). Because the praise was unexpected, it will be remembered each time the activity is repeated. Unexpected praise becomes a silent motivator for achievement.

S3 Goal Incentives

A second way to encourage children is with goal incentives. Goal incentives are tangible external rewards used to motivate a child to try harder in a particular developmental area. Parents should use goal incentives to motivate actions associated with skills, talents, and natural physical attributes, but not for changing behavior.

Parents can use goal incentives to help train a child to ride a bike, color a picture, improve a grade, or learn to type. All of these morally neutral activities are worthy of incentives. But not all morally neutral activities are skill related. For example, eating potato chips on the couch is morally neutral, but it has nothing to do with developing a skill.

Living near a lake, we wanted our children to know water safety by learning how to swim. To facilitate Amys learning, we offered her a goal incentive by saying, "Amy, if you learn to swim this summer from Grandpas dock to the yellow buoy, well buy you the snorkel set you saw in the store." That summer she made learning to swim a priority. Her motivation was heightened by the incentive. She worked diligently, learned to swim to the buoy, and received her bright yellow snorkel. If she had not met her goal, she would have received praise for trying, but not the goal incentive.

Be careful not to overuse goal incentives or to use them to a childs discouragement. That happens when a parent expects more from the child than is reasonable for his or her age. At four years of age, Amy learned to swim an appropriate distance, but she was not yet ready to swim the length of the lake. Such a demand would have defeated the purpose and the benefit of a goal incentive.

B1 Behavior

As stated earlier, a childs actions are either moral or morally neutral. Skills and talents are morally neutral activities. Behavior is associated with the duties of the heart; parents motivate the heart by encouragement and correction. Both activities are important, and neither one is truly effective without the other.

B2 Encouragement

When parents encourage properly in the context of a Biblical relationship, it can be a wonderful motivator of right behavior. Outside that context, encouraging words can sound hypocritical. The comments of a father who does not take the time to establish a level three relationship with his son or daughter become meaningless statements. An encouraging word is not the same as an encouraging parent.

Each of us enjoys receiving a pat on the back or hearing "well done" from someone of influence. We find appreciation in hearing how our actions pleased or helped another. Our children are no different. They are encouraged when justified praise comes their way. Unfortunately, this is an area in which many parents fail, particularly during the early years. During that time, parents are so preoccupied with getting things under control by continually correcting their children that they forget to encourage them. And, of course, we all know from personal experience that the absence of encouragement is discouragement.

E1 Pre-activity Encouragement

Pre-activity encouragement comes verbally before a required behavior is expected. This is accomplished two ways: through the use of verbal reminders and dialogue questions.

E2 Verbal Reminder

Parents should encourage right behavior with verbal reminders such as, "Ryan, Mrs. Brown is coming over for lunch today. Be sure to say hello to her when she comes in. That would be very respectful." Or, "Stevie, remember there is to be no running in the church. That is where we worship God." In both of these examples, the parent reminds the child verbally of what he expects and the reason why he expects it.

E3 Dialogue Questions

Parents can also accomplish pre-activity encouragement through dialogue questions. With verbal reminders, you tell the child what is required; with the dialogue method, the child tells you what is expected. This method is primarily (but not exclusively) used with children under five years of age. Driving to the grocery store, a mother may ask, "Who can tell me the rules for the store?" A child might respond, "No running, no touching the displays, and we have to stay by your side." Mom responds with encouraging words of praise for the correct answers.

Young children are more apt to take ownership of their behavior when they hear themselves verbalize the rules of conduct and receive praise for the fight answers.

E4 Post-activity Encouragement

Post-activity encouragement reinforces behavior after the fact. It is done through the proper use of rewards and verbal praise.

E5 Rewards and Praise

Rewards are either tangible (a pack of gum) or intangible (a trip to the park). They are offered to reinforce behavior, not to stimulate it. Verbal praise and encouragement will stimulate behavior, but the purpose of a reward is to confirm and reinforce behavior. Ryans mother might say, "Ryan, because you were so good in the store today, Mom wants to buy you a special treat." This is an example of rewarding a child. She called attention to his good conduct in the store and showed her appreciation for it.

Offering your children something in exchange for good behavior before you get to the store is a bribe, not a reward. It is a manipulative appeal to the childs lust of the flesh and eyes(I John 2:16a). Children should be rewarded for their obedience, but not obedient for a reward.

When parents overuse rewards, the child becomes conditioned, even dependent, on receiving them. When that happens, the child may only go through the motions of good behavior, demonstrating outward conformity but not inward. Like a trained seal, the child has learned to perform his tricks just to get a prize at the end of his performance. In this case, the child bases his obedience on external stimuli and not on anything internal. Bribing a child produces temporary results. Properly rewarding a child motivates him from the heart, a place you want to influence.

B3 Correction

Parents should correct both childish mistakes and open defiance. The type of correction depends on the presence or absence of evil motive. Was it an accident or intentional? As illustrated in Appendix Five, two children can do the same action, but for one it is foolishness and for the other, childishness. Those designations become the determining factors for which type of correction is appropriate. In fact, the first question parents should ask themselves when correction is needed is this: Were my childs actions the result of childishness or foolishness? How you answer that question will determine which form of correction is needed.

B4 Childishness

Appendix Five defines childishness as innocent immaturity. The term innocence refers to motives. Not all wrong behavior on the part of the child is from rebellious intent. If it were, it would be foolishness and would call for a different set of consequences. At what point does childishness become foolishness? At the point that the parent gives instruction that is intentionally not heeded by the child. Until a parent gives instruction, non-rebellious actions remain childishness.

Non-rebellious, childish mistakes still need to be corrected, because a child left to his natural childish ways will bring shame to his mother (Proverbs 29:15). The child whose mother does not correct his childishness will grow to become a wrongdoer. The child whose parents do not correct his foolishness will grow up to become an evildoer. The first step in correcting childish behavior begins with a warning. If the child does not heed the warning, then related consequences need to be applied.

Cl Admonishment

Correcting childish behavior begins with admonishment (Ephesians 6:4). The word admonishment means to put into the mind or warn. As it relates to child training, it means warning a child that his actions are unwise and that he may bring calamity upon himself or others. That is what the Old Testament priest Eli failed to do in 1 Samuel 2:24. He honored his sons more than he honored God.

Nathan is generally characterized by bringing his bicycle to the back of the garage. Today, his dad found it in the front yard. For that rare offense, his dad admonished Nathan to put the bike in a safe place when hes done riding. That warning served to encourage Nathan to be responsible. If Nathans dad finds the bicycle in the front yard tomorrow, he may apply certain consequences related to Nathans failure to be responsible.

C2 Related Consequences

Some childish mistakes bypass the warning stage and require immediate consequences. Those consequences must: (1) relate to the mistake, and (2) be logical. The purpose of consequential training is to encourage good stewardship and to cause the child to accept responsibility for non-rebellious, unwise actions. Childish mistakes may be made with property items, privileges, and personal behavior, or any combination of these three.

C3 Property

Teaching a child how to be a good steward of his own possessions will help him to be responsible for the property of others. After warning Nathan about leaving his bicycle in the front yard, his Dad moved to the second level of correction by applying related consequences. He took the bicycle away from Nathan for a couple of days. That response helped Nathan learn that with the privilege of riding a bicycle comes the responsibility of taking care of it. Explanation should always accompany stewardship training. Parents should instruct with the future in mind, realizing that todays lesson may prevent irresponsible stewardship in the future--stewardship that could cost thousands of dollars.

C4 Privilege

A parent can also structure related consequences to help a child be responsible with a privilege. For example, Cheryl asked if she could feed peanuts to the blue jays. Her mom gave a qualified yes. She gave Cheryl instructions to break the shells on the grass and not on the patio like she had done last time. When Cheryls mom found her standing on the patio with shells underfoot, she applied a consequence. Since Cheryl had not exercised responsible behavior according to the instructions given, her mother denied the privilege of feeding the blue jays for a couple of weeks. She was also responsible for cleaning up her mess.

C5 Personal Responsibility

Parents should hold children personally responsible for their non-rebellious accidents that affect other people or property. One day my daughter was playing hide-and-seek in the house and accidently tripped on the lamp cord, pulling it off its stand. Although it was not intentional, she was still responsible for her mistake. Although she did not mean to break it, the damage was done. We implemented related consequences to teach her to accept responsibility for her mistakes and to help her learn to make things right.

Based on her age, we required her to do additional chores around the house to earn enough money to help pay for her mistake. Making restitution was part of the consequences. We required payment of her so that she would understand the concepts of labor, money, property value, and personal responsibility.

B5 Foolishness

A child is not acting childishly when he is disobedient; he is acting foolishly. Parents should understand all that this word encompasses. Foolishness means deception, trickery, disobedience, and unwise or rebellious behavior. Rebellion is either active or passive. Active rebellion is direct willful defiance--disobeying, talking back, refusing to accept correction, or rejecting any form of authority.

Passive rebellion is indirect defiance. It often begins with a childs hidden attitude, and eventually shows up on his face with a defiant or haughty look. Other forms of passive rebellion may include pretending not to hear, pleading ignorance to the obvious after being caught in a misdeed, doing something good or doing something cute to get out of doing what was instructed, or constantly saying "I forgot." In this last situation, the problem is not only in the childs failure to remember the instruction, but in his failure to put any effort into learning the lesson. Forgetting is not an excuse. It may be a reason, but not an excuse. You can train forgetfulness out of a child by logical consequences.

Sulking, pouting, and whining may be other subtle forms of passive rebellion. Too often parents ignore these forms, thereby teaching their child that they will tolerate some types of rebellion and not others. That reaction sends a mixed signal to the child, thus undermining any character training taking place. Foolish behavior needs correction, but parents should not correct all foolishness the same way, or with the same strength of consequences. Parents should consider the following four factors when rendering a judicial decision about a childs foolish actions:

1. the frequency of the offense

2. the age of the child

3. the context of the moment

4. the overall characterization of behavior

Once parents identify foolish or rebellious behavior and consider these four factors, they should then determine the appropriate level of consequence. When considering the consequence, parents should also consider the first rule of correction: the punishment must fit the crime. Too harsh a punishment exasperates the child; too lenient a punishment fails to put a correct value on the offense.

Since we know offenses range from infrequent and minor infractions to open defiance, correction should reflect the degree of the offense. Generally speaking, a childs foolishness falls into one of three levels:

1. minor infractions that call for verbal correction,

2. infractions that need some action and which call for more than a verbal reprimand, and

3. offenses that require the full weight of the law.

These three levels are not sequential. That is, they do not necessarily follow in order. In fact, in the early years level three is used more than levels one or two. Parents should reserve levels one and two, the warnings and mild reprimands, for borderline cases that are less common.

Level 1: Verbal Admonishment

The first level of offense calls for a warning. The warning does not reduce the significance and need for first-time obedience. You would not punish a child for a single infraction if he is normally characterized by immediate compliance. Although his infraction may be rebellious according to the letter of the law, it does not require the full weight of punishment, but the fair weight of justice. You should consider his actions a first level of offense given the normative of his behavior. Admonishment is the proper consequence in this context.

Considering the circumstances and the childs characterization of behavior, any applied consequence greater than a warning could be potentially devastating to a childs motivation for moral excellence. Children become exasperated when parents pursue perfection and not excellence, especially since they themselves are not perfect parents.

Warnings do not need to be repeated every day. With the earlier illustration, Nathan received a warning for leaving his bike out, not chastisement. He was not characterized by disobedience or by poor stewardship. But, if a child repeats the same behavior daily, then his actions go far beyond level one or level two offenses.

Level 2: Verbal Admonishment and Action

Level two offenses include new (but unacceptable) behaviors that are becoming more common, old habits that are reemerging, or yesterdays warning that has not been heeded. The consequence can be a swat on the hand or on the bottom and a general rebuke.

Parents can also use what we label reflective timeout. Proverbs 22:3 states, "A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: but the simple pass on, and are punished." The goal of a reflective timeout is to help a child become prudent, foresee evil, and avoid punishment by doing what is right. Here is an example of a level two offense and applied consequence.

Becky, Ryan, and Nathan were playing kickball in the backyard. Their mom, Mrs. Jones, approached and gave the children a warning to be cautious and not kick the ball into the newly planted garden. While observing from the kitchen window, Mrs. Jones noticed Beckys lack of caution, as evidenced by the number of times the ball made it to the edge of the garden before being stopped. Before Becky got herself into serious trouble, Mrs. Jones assigned her to a patio chair for five minutes--not as a punishment, but to help her settle down and gain self-control.

Beckys careless kicking was foolishness because she did not take her mothers warning seriously. Although the ball never actually made it into the garden, it was clear that caution was not part of Beckys play. The instructions given by Mrs. Jones dealt as much with caution as they dealt with keeping the ball out of the garden. Her offense called for more than a warning but less than a level three consequence.

Beckys mom used a reflective timeout when she assigned her to the patio chair. A reflective period forces the child to stop what he is doing and think. He is instructed to sit, not as a punishment, but as a time to get control of his thoughts and actions and to think about the course he is on before it leads to greater consequences. A timeout is the last stop before crossing the bridge to trouble. The idea is to get the child to ask himself, "Do I really want to go in this direction? Whether it involves a new behavior or a reemerging old habit, you are calling attention to the behavior and letting the child make the decision to do what is right. If the child fails to respond properly, his behavior automatically defaults to a level three offense.

Using timeouts as culturally practiced is not an effective substitute for repeated offenses that call for chastisement. In fact, contrary to popular opinion, using timeouts as a primary method of punishment is one of the least satisfactory types of consequence. There are two reasons behind the statement.

First, the child seldom associates sifting in a chair with the act for which he is being punished since the frustration of the parent is usually a more dominant factor in the situation than the act itself. As a result, the child tends to associate parental frustration with timeouts rather than with the wrong deed itself. The child is not sitting in a chair contemplating the benefits of a virtuous life, nor is he beating his chest, chanting "Oh what a sinner I am."

Second, there is little to no punishment-equivalent. A five minute timeout for hitting his sister with his hard plastic bat taught Stevie the wrong value for his offense. From the experience he learned that the pain and bruise to his sister was equal in value to five minutes in the chair. Even then, children like Stevie get time off for good behavior. Is that Biblical justice?

We believe that a reflective timeout has a particular place and purpose. But there is a big difference between using a timeout before an offense takes place compared to after it takes place. Timeouts are good for second level offenses when they are reflective opportunities.

Level 3: Consequential Punishment

This level of offense refers to routine acts and attitudes of rebellion, both active and passive, and to moral violations against others, including siblings, peers, parents, and others in authority.

The following scenarios will bring clarity to some of these points. After the workers hung new French doors in my office, my two-year-old granddaughter found it amusing to open the door, walk through, shut the door, and then repeat the action again from the other side. Her father instructed her to stop playing with Grandpas new doors. Her compliance lasted only fifteen minutes before she tested her fathers instruction. Her rebellion was active and direct, requiring level three correction. She did not require any additional warnings, since her father had just instructed her. In contrast, lets assume Ashley had complied with her fathers instruction. For that, her father would have offered her encouragement and praise.

Three weeks passed before Ashley again came to visit, and she soon rediscovered the new doors. As her little hand touched the brass knob, she heard her father say, "Ashley, Dad is going to give you a warning: do not play with Grandpas office doors." Because of the time that had passed since her previous warning, and given her age, her father correctly gave her a level one warning. He admonished her to do right even though he had instructed her three weeks earlier. She complied with the warning and went to her toy box for amusement.

In this case, the warning did not undermine the character of first-time obedience any more than when God told Cain that his first sacrifice was unacceptable and that he must offer a second one (Genesis 4:57). You are not waiving the requirement of obedience, but judging potential disobedience in light of context, the childs age, and characterization of behavior.

This third level of offense involves different types of painful correction.

F1 Pain

Pain is a gift from God, not the result of Adams fall into sin. Pain warns us that something is not right and needs attention. In the training process the same axiom is true. Pain has one purpose--to help a child focus and gain self control over a particular moral weakness. Whether it be disobeying, talking back, or lying, pain plays a part in the developmental process. It calls serious attention to a condition that desperately needs changing. In child training, pain will come in one of two ways: by natural consequences or structured consequences. With the first, pain is the natural outcome of wrong behavior; with the second, it needs to be artificially created.

F2 Natural Consequences

Rebellious and defiant acts will sometimes produce their own pain as the natural outcome of foolish behavior. For example, Beckys mother instructed her to stop running on the sidewalk because of the danger of falling on the big cracks in the cement. Becky foolishly did not listen, and her disobedience resulted in scraped and bruised knees. In that case, Beckys mother would not spank her for her failure to listen. She would, however, take advantage of those stinging knees by using them as an object lesson to admonish Becky about obedience and listening to her motherly wisdom.

Do not let training by the use of natural or logical consequences disrupt or control you or other family members. For example, the child who loves to go to nursery school but is never ready on time only causes Mom to rush, creating a stressful situation. Here is our recommendation. If nursery school starts at 9:00 a.m. and it takes ten minutes to get there, do not say to the child, "If youre not ready to go by 8:50 a.m., you will not go to school today." That deadline only puts more pressure on you, because you are left in a state of tension wondering whether the child is going to make it or not. Set the childs deadline for 8:30 am. If he is not ready by that time, he loses the privilege of going.

With this earlier deadline, you are not stressed out, wondering if you are going to make it on time. You can warn the child at 8:25 am, that he has five minutes left. But, if he chooses by his actions to present himself ready after 8:30 am., the privilege of going to school should be withdrawn. Do not be a softy and go back on your established deadline, even if he shows up at 8:31 am. That only proves that your word is not worth much, and it fails to teach the child the needed discipline of time management. The child needs to learn that some things in life are very exact. An exception, however, occurs when a child is characterized by being ready on time, but is late once. Withholding a privilege in this case would not be acceptable, as you might very well violate Colossians 3:21.

F3 Structured Consequences

Pain is not always the natural consequence of foolish behavior. When it does not come naturally, then it needs to be created artificially through structured consequences. Structured consequences come by way of chastisement, isolation, loss of privileges, or logical consequences.

F4 Chastisement

The cultural term for artificial consequences is "spanking." The Biblical term is "chastisement." Chastisement means to inflict pain for the purpose of amending behavior. It is not for the purpose of punishing behavior or for getting even with the child. God is not vindictive, and that is not the purpose of chastisement. Scriptural references for chastisement are Deuteronomy 8:5, Hebrews 12:6-7, 2 Samuel 7:14, Revelation 3:19, and Proverbs 19:18.

Chastisement is the best word to represent Gods divine intention for parents to use physical pain in order to correct a childs rebellious activities. To remove spanking as a legitimate discipline option forces parents to use other, but inappropriate methods to control their childrens unruly behavior, or abandon any reasonable standard of moral requirement.¹ Manipulating with guilt and/or conditional love is often the method. The deep scars of these methods are permanent; a red mark from a spanking is not. Children whose parents manipulate them live with the fear of rejection, which is worse than the fear (pain) of chastisement. This is why the pain of chastisement is a merciful way to deal with rebellion--it is done and over with. The next chapter is devoted to the topic of chastisement.

F5 Isolation

Children are social beings. Isolation means temporarily taking away the privilege of social contact. For example, when one child becomes continually disruptive in group play, one option is to isolate him to play by himself. The pain comes by way of separation. In that case, the play time is not taken away, but he has lost the privilege of playing with others.

Isolation may accompany or follow chastisement, but it is never to be used as a routine substitute for it. When a parent isolates a child to his room under these conditions, it should not be for play, but for contemplation. This approach should be used to draw attention to the more serious offenses.

Finally, isolation is not an end all discipline. Like other discipline elements, it can be very effective when used appropriately and ineffective when misused. Isolation as a structured consequence can begin with a child as young as nine months of age and can be used though the middle years. A child must learn that he is responsible for controlling his behavior in social settings. Isolation is a tool that can help the child to gain that self-control.

F6 Logical Consequences

In general, the purpose of punishment is to help a child to accept responsibility for his rebellious or nonrebellious actions. The type of consequence is subject to age consideration. It is one thing when a three-year-old child disobeys his mothers instruction and receives a spanking for his disobedience. Suppose an eight-year-old child does not come right home from school as instructed. How should that be dealt with? Although the act may be equally disobedient, the consequences may include a different corrective response because of his age. Since the purpose of correction is to help the child become self-governing according to moral principle, parents must choose a consequence that will best serve that purpose. With our last example, the loss of a privilege or a grounding may teach the eight-year-old child the seriousness of his actions better than a spanking ever could. The reverse is usually true of younger children.

Structured consequences may take place in addition to, or independent of, chastisement. A parent must consider circumstances, the childs age, and the motive behind the action when deciding which

punitive measures would be best for the child. Whichever consequence the parent employs, it should be logically associated with the offense.

Footnotes:

¹ Using spanking as a tool of discipline is only for parents who properly exercise their authority. It is not for parents who have given up their authority for friendship but later desire to spank when things get out of control.