Children will rise to the level of expectation of their parents. Many parents expect little and receive exactly that.

10

PRINCIPLES OF OBEDIENCE

In the previous three chapters, we demonstrated the link between moral training and family harmony. The joy of parent-child and sibling relationships relates directly to the quality of moral virtue reigning in the heart of each family member. How should a parent govern in order to secure such virtuous behavior? This chapter will begin to answer that question.

Ephesians 6:1 instructs, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right." Colossians 3:20 follows with, "Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing

unto the Lord." Obedience is absolutely essential to proper family government. If your children lack obedience, your efforts are minimized, if not totally in vain. You may rock, hold, and sing to your precious children. You may lead them in devotions, praying for them and with them. You maybe unwavering in your efforts to secure their happiness and to gain their affections. But if they are continually disobedient, you will be thwarted in your efforts to train their hearts. How is a young child able to fulfill the great command of Exodus 20:12, "Honor thy father and thy mother"? Honoring ones parents is a command that remains constant throughout a childs life and into adulthood. In the early years, however, children demonstrate honor by obedience. As a child matures, his obedience out of duty evolves to the devotion out of submission.

By obedience, we do not mean the yielding that results from repeated threats, bribes, or manipulation of a child through the fear of losing parental love. Even worse than these methods is the use of adult persuasion. You cannot govern a child by mere logic and argument. He does not possess your moral mind; he is not your moral peer. To reason with a two-year-old child is like reasoning with the wind. It is better to lead, direct, and guide with your authority than by craftiness.

TRAINING TO THE STANDARD

There will be many times when your child will reject or strongly oppose your reasonable instructions. What should you do? Teach him to obey according to the character of true obedience--immediately, completely, without challenge, and without complaint. This task is not as difficult as it may seem. Actually, true obedience is often more difficult for the parent than for the child. The child often responds to the parents resolve and nothing more. Therefore, parents must train, encourage, correct, and teach at the level of Gods standard.

What is the nature of Gods standard? According to 1 Samuel 15:22-23, God requires obedience from His children above all else. Speaking to King Saul, the prophet Samuel said, "Hath the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness (insubordination) is as iniquity and idolatry." God puts a premium on obedience.

As obedience relates to children, Colossians 3:20 makes clear Gods requirement, "Children, obey your parents." However, a warning follows immediately in verse 21, "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." Do these verses conflict? To be obedient in all things all the time will frustrate a child, for certainly there are times when the burden of obedience can be unfair, unjust, and untimely. But for a child not to be obedient violates the standard presented in verse 20.

The warning to parents in verse 21 does not compromise the standard presented for children in verse 20. Rather, it reminds parents that Biblical authority is not cold, calloused, and arbitrary. Parents should not exercise their authority without thought. Biblical authority is not whimsical or inconsistent. The intent of parenting is not to avoid exasperation, but to avoid unnecessary exasperation. The very nature of obedience will often frustrate a child, just as it often frustrates adults. Does that mean we ignore the standard? Most certainly not. We are to train children to the standard and guard against unnecessarily exasperating them in the process.

How Can Parents Undermine the Process?

Should Christian parents train their children to be unresponsive to instruction the first time it is given? The answer, of course, is no. Yet in reality, many parents are guilty of such negative training. Desiring obedience, they actually teach disobedience. Here are four common ways parents undermine their own efforts:

1. threatening and repeating

2. bribing

3. negotiating in conflict

4. misusing compassion

Threatening/Repeating Parent

The mother who first coaxes, then threatens, then bargains, then pretends to punish, and finally punishes a little is only making a bad situation worse. Her hope for compliance is greater than her will to enforce it. Is this merciful, as some try to dismiss it? Hardly. Mercy would not be so cruel as to foster the stubbornness of her offspring nor to allow his moral faults to gain strength. This mother irritates the selfish will of the child, but does not subdue his willful disobedience.

Such a frivolous approach to compliance only succeeds in training a child in unrighteousness. Duty compels us to punish the child, but mothering inclinations say to overlook the fault. When inclination prevails, rather than the duty of correction, the child retires victoriously, confirmed in his sin. No child will respond to Gods standard if his parents do not require obedience and if arbitration and bartering are common. Such indulgences are outside the parameters of true love.

Ignorance is not to blame when parents act so wrongly in not requiring first-time obedience, for even the child has figured out the obvious. Lack of moral fortitude and resolution in the parents are the true culprits. How is it that a child will obey the third time but not the first? The reason is that the parent is finally resolved to force conformity. If a child obeys by the third request, why not by the first?

Understanding the objective nature of first-time obedience is of great importance. When parents require the standard, the child alone determines when he will be punished. The consistency of Gods moral standard makes obedience objective, since the parent will not react arbitrarily.

Anything less than first-time obedience brings subjective punishment. The child is governed by his parents present resolve and that is what keeps the child in a state of continuing conflict. By nature, children are gamblers. They will tiptoe across the line, enjoy sin, then dash back in hopes of not disturbing the sleeping giant--the parent. Obedience is no longer objective, but subjective. Consequences are no longer tied to disobedience, but to the mood and whim of the parent at any particular moment. The threatening and repeating parent fosters a fearful subjective response. The failure of parents to maintain a consistent standard only serves to lure a child into sin by causing him to think that he will get away with anything.

Remember, the promise of blessing comes with obedience. Ephesians 6:1-3 says, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honor thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth." However, Gods judgment comes upon those who do not honor and obey their parents. Proverbs 30:17 says, "The eye that mocketh at his father, and despiseth to obey his mother, the ravens of the valley shall pick it out, and the young eagles shall eat it."

How many times does God have to state His pleasure with obedience and displeasure with disobedience before we believe Him?

Bribing Parent

Bribing parents barter with their children in hopes of gaining obedience. They use bribes, threats, or even scare tactics to gain temporary control of their childrens behavior. A bribe might sound like this:

"If you are a good boy in the store today, Mom will buy you a special treat." An example of a threat might be: "If you are not a good boy in the store today, Mom wont buy that special treat she promised you." An example of a scare tactic might sound like: "If youre not good in the store today, I will call up the orphanage to come and get you!"

Such verbal statements establish a false and improper motivation for obedience, thus devaluating obedience. Some parents train their children to obey for a bribe, rather than out of obedience to God. Their children respond because there is something in it for them. Children should be rewarded for their obedience, but should not be obedient just to gain a reward. That distinction is important. What happens when a reward is no longer a substantial motivator? You are left with a child who is not moral on the inside or on the outside.

Children of bribing parents demonstrate several character and behavior patterns. They develop self-oriented tendencies and learn to manipulate others. Because they seek to be rewarded, they limit their ability to serve others unless they receive gratification. These traits are certainly not characteristics that God would have us develop in our children.

Negotiating in Conflict

Many parents insist on the standard of complete obedience before a conflict, but are willing to negotiate the line of compliance once in the heat of battle. When nine month old Ashley arched her back and turned her head in defiance, her parents considered it unacceptable behavior. Her display of self-will was met with the parental resolve that she would sit in her high chair and not arch her back. Ashleys testing was met with correction.

After a short period of isolation, her parents brought her back to the highchair to prove her compliance. The battle of the wills started again. Ashley took up the challenge, but this time to a noticeably lesser degree, as demonstrated by the fact that she arched her back but kept her head perfectly still in the process. In essence she was saying to her parents, "I will surrender 60% control but I will keep 40%." To Ashleys parents, that compromise offer was unacceptable and off again to her room she went for another period of isolation.

When she settled down, she returned to the high chair with instructions to sit correctly. In a few moments this third admonishment was met with another offer of negotiated compliance. This time she kept her arms and back perfectly still but she purposely twisted her head in defiance. At that point, determined Ashley was negotiating behaviorally with her parents, asking, "will you accept 90% compliance as payment in full, allowing me to retain 10% control?"

It is here that many parents make the fatal error of accepting a negotiated compromise plea. They accept the 90% as payment in full simply by moving the line of acceptable behavior to a lesser requirement. That is not Biblical obedience, and that only creates problems. The 10% of self-rule purchased in conflict becomes a type of wild card showing up any time the child chooses. For the child, 10% of negotiable self-rule in periods of conflict is as good as 90%. That means the child retains the right to negotiate 10% of any parental request.

In the real-life story, Ashleys parents held the line, isolated her a fourth time and brought her back to her high chair, never again to be challenged in that area. She surrendered to the standard and learned that there was parental resolve behind parental instruction. That training was not isolated to the high chair. Now parental resolve had meaning in every room of the house. Parental resolve gave obedience a value. More than that she participated in the peaceful fruit of righteousness, (Hebrews 12:11). Total obedience produced joy.

Why should you not negotiate in conflict? A childs willingness to accept total surrender is the first step toward total freedom of self-rule. That last statement is best explained by analogy. When General Robert E. Lee of the Confederate forces met General Grant from the Union Army at the close of the Civil War to sign the declaration of peace, General Lee dismounted his stallion, stepped up to General Grant, took off his glove, and put out his hand. General Grant, holding back his hand, said; "No Mr. Lee, your sword first, then we can shake hands as friends." This was the heart of Grants message: Surrender first, then I will give you all the freedoms due a friend.

That same truth is needed in parenting. We teach our children to surrender first so we can give them all the freedom they can handle. What are they surrendering? They are surrendering their self-will for Gods moral will as directed by their parents. When we negotiate the standard in the heat of baffle, there is no true surrender, only an agreed upon suspension of conflict. Without a complete surrender, there will always be a member, ready to wage war.

Choose your baffles well, but once you do, be resolved to hold the line. (Unless the line was wrongly drawn in the first place.) If you are continually giving in, then you are continually undermining any progress toward Biblical obedience.

Misuse of Compassion

There is much cruelty done to children under the distorted names of compassion and love. Many parents err by overemphasizing certain attributes of God at the expense of others. They speak to their children simply of the Creator's goodness, but not of His justice or of the nature of sin. In doing so they wrongly portray God as an amiable being whose character is composed of indulgence and compassion even when sin is not dealt with and when wrong is not made right. Tolerance of evil deeds becomes a way of life with payment rendered to society later on (Ecclesiastes 8:11).

It is sad to hear parents say, "But I am showing compassion in order to point my child to God." Will the child love his Maker more because he understands compassion better than justice? No, for justice qualifies and gives meaning to compassion. Calvarys justice brings Gods grace and compassion into focus and makes it relevant. What chance do children have of attaining the standard when they have no moral resolution to overcome their flesh and no consequences to direct their path to righteousness? When compassion becomes the first consequence for disobedience, the child has no reason to be obedient.

PRINCIPLES OF INSTRUCTION

We will now investigate how parents can establish the character of obedience in a child. This is not as difficult a task as some would fear, but it requires adherence to some basic principles of communication. When we consider the role of instruction in a childs life, there are a few facts and elementary principles that should be kept in mind. Following these basic guidelines can prevent stress and increase willful compliance; failure to comply can lead to power struggles and continuous outright rebellion.

Principle One

When you speak to your child in a way that requires an answer or an action, you should expect an immediate and complete response. Children will rise to the level of expectation of their parents. Too many parents expect less and receive exactly that. We have consistently found that the requirement of first-time obedience is far less of an adjustment problem for children than it is for their parents.

Principle Two

Never give a command unless you intend for it to be obeyed. Therefore, when giving instructions be sure to say exactly what you mean and mean precisely what you say. Parents commonly violate this simple principle. There is no better way to teach a child not to obey than to give him instructions that you have no intention of enforcing. A child quickly learns the habit of disregarding his parents instruction. This habit may become so strong, and contempt for instruction so confirmed, that all threats will go unheeded. Do you want your child to go to bed? If so, do not state your instructions as a question in the form of a choice. Instead, you should state your instruction as a command to be obeyed.

Parental instructions are either directive (telling a child what to do) or restrictive (telling a child what not to do). Both types require a response of immediate compliance, unless otherwise given in the instructions. There are three ways to maximize the success of your communication. We suggest you provide an appropriate warning, provide a door of escape, and consider context.

Providing a Warning

Sometimes the timing of instruction is as important as the instruction itself. Parental instruction that interrupts or terminates an activity should often be preceded by a warning. We have all experienced the total absorption of various projects, and we know the frustration we have felt when forced to leave our efforts without warning. The same frustration is felt by children.

There are times when it is appropriate to provide a five-minute warning that instruction will soon be following. Such a benevolent act helps the child emotionally prepare to comply. For example, Ryan was finishing his favorite television program. His mother interrupted and informed him that in five minutes she would return with instructions for him to prepare the dinner table. That five-minute warning made obedience more attractive for Ryan. Such parental sensitivity reduces the shock of intrusion and alleviates the tension between the childs desire to continue with his activity and the need to comply with his mothers instruction.

Giving a five-minute warning is reasonable. However, what if the parent gives instructions, and the child continues his activity beyond the time? Perhaps he watched television until the end of the program, then to the next commercial and into the next program. That is an act of disobedience. The child decided to accept his own preference instead of the fairness of his mothers command and now takes advantage of her graciousness. Some parents say it is but a minor thing that the child stretched his time. But open defiance is not a little fault, and the judicial parent should not turn her back on such a sin.

Since parents are instructed not to exasperate their children according to Colossians 3:21, we admonish you not to tempt your child to disobey by forcing them to choose between the stronger pleasures of the flesh and your instructions. Avoiding exasperation does not mean compromising the standard, but working wisely with it, such as giving a five-minute warning.

Providing a Door of Escape

God never allows us a temptation for which He does not provide us a door of escape (1 Corinthians 10:13). This same principle can be applied to our parenting. You should teach your children to look for the door of escape when challenged by sin. For example, when two siblings squabble over a toy, the older child may know the punishment for striking the younger. But, since he has been wronged, the temptation to bring justice by the use of force is great. His door of escape is to take his conflict to the one who can make things right and carry out justice: Mom.

Remembering Context

Understanding context prevents first-time obedience from becoming legalistic. Please review chapter 2 concerning the importance of looking into the context of the moment to determine how to make a moral judgment on a childs behavior. Unless parents give due consideration to the context, they may judge right actions wrongly and may not judge wrong actions at all.

Principle Three

When a child continually disobeys, he is in sin. When parents continually reinforce that disobedience, they are in sin. Judicial parenting does not allow parents to reward sin by doing nothing about it. For small faults, wisdom may dictate that parents show patience or give a stern warning. But parents should not consider direct and willful defiance trivial. Obedience and disobedience are moral acts, not individual preferences. Encouraging and establishing right moral behavior in children requires consistency and clarity of instruction. Unless your instructions are clear and consistent, your child is at a loss to know what to do.

THE NEED FOR EYE CONTACT AND A VERBAL RESPONSE

Require eye contact when giving face to face instruction. Make it a standard practice to get your child to look you in the eyes when you are speaking. Eye contact is a focusing skill and helps any child process instruction. Processing instruction is half the battle in getting your child to follow instruction. The child that is allowed to look around the room rather than at Mom or Dad too often struggles with compliance.

Closely akin to eye contact is a verbal response. A verbal response such as, "Yes Mom," facilitates healthy moral development by assisting the focusing and concentrating process. That happens because when the mouth is speaking the brain is speaking. Verbal responses confirm your instructions. A "Yes, Mom" lets you know that your child is either committing himself to obedience by taking the appropriate action or to disobedience by avoiding the action asked of him. If a child responds verbally when called but does not come when required, he is still disobedient. This child is negligent in prompt obedience.

What about a child who is so wrapped up in what he is doing that he has to be called several times to get his attention? The concentration level of some children may be deeper than others. Sometimes the parents voice tone needs to be adjusted in order for the childs thought process to be interrupted. Think of it this way: You are watching a program on television in a state of total concentration. All of a sudden, a voice interrupts your concentration and says, We interrupt this program to bring you a special news report. That is exactly what should be happening in your childs mind when you speak. Your voice should interrupt his thought process for a special announcement.

Once in a while, we may repeat ourselves. Sometimes repeating may be legitimate, and other times it may not be. However, we should be working toward a pattern of consistency in first-time response without the need for repetition. Someday a first-time response may save your childs life. You can train your child to tune you in, rather than tune you out! It is only a matter of your willingness to do the training.

THE GOAL OF SELF-GENERATED INITIATIVE

Initiative is the only legitimate and ethical way to get ahead. Children operate on one of four levels of initiative.

1. Self-Generated Initiative

The highest and most desirable level of initiative is self-generated initiative. At this level, a child responds to needs without prompting or instruction. When Nathan saw the laundry basket filled with clean clothes, he began to separate his personal items, fold them, and put them away so Mom or Dad did not have to do it later. For a younger child, it may be as simple as putting away a toy left out after playtime.

When a child responds to needs without prior instruction, parents should give plenty of verbal and physical affirmation. In addition to affirming the child, parents may choose to reinforce the behavior with a reward. It need not and should not be big or expensive. What the child finds value in is the appreciation that the reward represents.

2. Prompted Initiative

The second level of initiative is called prompted initiative. At this level a child responds promptly, but he receives instruction first. Borrowing from our example above, Nathans mom instructs him to gather his clean clothes, fold them, and put them away. The request is met with "Yes, Mom," and his little feet hustle off to do as told. Level two is characterized by right action and attitude.

Attitude is important. The attitude with which your child accepts instructions is a benchmark determining the extent to which he respects your authority and headship. Parents can force action, but they need to mold attitude. There are tasks we all wish we did not have to do. That is true with our children as well. The challenge is this: With what attitude do I accept my share of responsibilities? A child does not need to bubble over with enthusiasm when asked to take out the trash, but his attitude should represent the acceptance of responsibility associated with being a family member.

3. Forced Initiative

The third level of initiative is called forced initiative. At this level, Nathan responds to instructions in a delayed fashion with murmuring. Outwardly, he is standing up to go fold his clothes, but he is sitting down on the inside. Level three is characterized by the right action, but the wrong attitude. What difference is there in attitude between levels two and three? Although the job gets done, it is done under protest. Unfortunately, many parents reward their children for getting the job done, but do not consider the childs attitude. If a parent rewards a child for behavior only, the child will be locked into that level of initiative, often for life. Level three requires a parents full attention and correction.

4. Suppressed Initiative

The fourth and lowest level of initiative is called suppressed initiative. After receiving his instruction, Nathan played with his train set in his room instead of sorting his clothes and putting them away. He totally ignored his mother's instruction and found another pursuit. Level four is characterized by wrong actions and wrong attitude. Unfortunately, the parents themselves often encourage this behavior. Rather than dealing with the childs disobedience, Mom gives up by folding and putting away the clothes for him. The reason for her actions is simple. Doing the task herself is much easier and faster than getting her child to do it. This decision also avoids conflict. The problem with her action is that it reinforces the childs disobedience and teaches the child that if he waits long enough, someone else will do it for him! In this case, the mother deserves a proper rebuke.

At which level of initiative is your child working? At what level do you live? Prompted initiative is very good; self-generated is better and should be the goal to which every parent strives. What parental response will help motivate the child to the first level of initiative? Rather than giving rewards for instructions carried out, parents should always affirm the child with either a hug or word of encouragement expressing satisfaction with the childs behavior. Verbal and physical affirmation go a long way when a child knows his actions please his parents. When your child senses how pleased you are, he is more prone to accept additional responsibility freely. That in turn motivates him toward level one behavior.

SUMMARY

Disobedient behavior in children is not a mystery. They have been led into insubordination because their parents have not equated daily obedience with daily holiness. When parents fail to make demands on the behavior of their children, the children tend to take advantage of this parental uncertainty and assert their own unguided will. The disciplinary problems that result from a parents deficient expectation are the most serious.

A childs feeling of acceptance and sense of approval is directly related to the standard of behavior required by his parents. This is true for all areas of character development and is especially true with first-time obedience. The child whose parents require first-time obedience and who encourage him in the process has a greater sense of parental approval, love, and acceptance than a child in a permissive or authoritarian household. Permissive parents tend to ignore the standard for obedience, while authoritarian parents eliminate the need to affirm their children. When a child meets a high established standard and receives parental approval, obedience becomes attractive, and the child knows his parents accept him. The higher the standard, the greater the confirmation and sense of approval. The lower the standard, the weaker the sense of approval and, ultimately, the weaker the parent-child relationship.

Training your child to respond to your voice the first time you speak means training him in Gods standard of obedience. Although we all fail to consistently live up to that standard in our own lives, it remains the standard of Gods pleasure. The obedience factor is very important in your childs development. Just as Christ is the cornerstone of Christianity, so obedience must be the foundation of Christian behavior.