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HOW TO RAISE A MORAL CHILD
Parents are naturally concerned about the welfare of their children. They serve nutritionally balanced meals, encourage proper rest, and insist on regular dental and eye examinations. Yet many parents neglect the most important part of a childs life: his or her moral training. Growing Kids God's Way is all about helping parents raise children In the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). That is, raising children who have the moral capacity to know right from wrong, good from evil, and who guide their hearts by biblical precepts.
Many children, especially those growing up in Christian homes, have a basic understanding of right and wrong. Unfortunately, not as many have the self-control to consistently make right decisions. We believe that is one reason why so many of our youth end up appearing moral on the outside but in fact are not moral on the inside. They know plenty about the do not's of life (do not lie, do not steal, do not cheat), but not as much about the do's of life (do be kind, do be gentle, do be deferring).
While studying the child-rearing patterns in Christian families for many years, we discovered that many parents are more preoccupied with suppressing evil in their children than elevating good. That is, when teaching moral principles, often parents will tell their children what is wrong, and what not to do, rather than what is right and what they should do. This type of training leads to serious moral compromise in the future. Because so much emphasis is placed on what to avoid, and too little on what to do, the path to virtuous deeds is left highly undefined for the child.
Certainly, suppressing the waywardness of a childs behavior is important, but when this is done in the absence of elevating good, ultimately you end up distorting what good really means. Restraining waywardness must be accompanied by instruction in righteousness and by encouragement in virtuous living (Proverbs 1:1-7; 8:33, 9:9; Micah 6:8).
For example, we believe teaching a child to be sensitive to how people feel in special situations is a greater act of godliness than just getting him to control his hostile actions. Restraining evil has to be balanced by elevating good. Moral restraint and moral assertiveness are two sides of the same coin. Both are needed in training a child.
BIBLICAL ETHICS AND PARENTING
Taking parenting seriously means continually making moral judgments and providing moral guidance. In order to make judgments and provide guidance, parents must first accept that there are moral laws applicable to all. For some, the choice between right and wrong, or good and evil, is based on what is convenient for the moment. Others base their morality on cultural convictions or media influence. Christians, however, take their values from the Bible. Biblical theology has moral implications. Those implications provide the framework for a discipline called ethics.
In general, ethics is concerned with ones manner of life. Biblical ethics is concerned with the manner of life that the Christian faith demands (James 3:13; 1 Peter 3:2, 16; 2 Peter 3:11). Jesus commanded his followers to "go therefore and make disciples of all the nations. . ." (Matthew 28a). To make a disciple requires the communication of biblical ethics. Biblical ethics establishes the basis of training for parents that produces goodness, purity, and holiness. Gods character is reflected in biblical ethics. God is morally perfect and all biblical values are an extension of His character. His divine attributes proclaim His holiness and are translated into moral values. All the pleases and thank yous of life are derived from Scriptural imperatives. Thus, God defines virtues such as, honesty, patience, kindness, gentleness, and integrity, and they are not subject to opinion or private interpretation. The belief in a transcendent, personal God is a necessary position if one intends to establish ethical laws that are absolute and universal. Without God, there is no basis for objective ethics, and moral behavior is tenuously governed by subjective personal preference. All values become relative.
Biblical ethics is good for society--moral relativism is bad for it. Biblical ethics fosters moral cohesiveness and therefore social cohesiveness. Moral relativism segregates society into cultural subgroups. Biblical ethics is socially, racially, ethnically, economically, and educationally blind (Galatians 3:28; Colossians 3:11; James 2:1-10). It crosses all cultural lines and overrides cultural values, because the two lowest common denominators are Gods holiness (the absolute standard) and the dignity of man derived from Genesis 1:26. Cultural distinctives are secondary to the timeless and unchanging values derived from the Bible. Without biblical absolutes governing man and society, you are left with no basis for holy conviction.
There is security in knowing that values derived from the Bible are unchanging. The moral requirements by which Christians live today are the same as yesterday and will be the same tomorrow because 'Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever" (Hebrews 13:8). The timeless values that flow from His character do not change.
Gods unchanging values are called biblical absolutes. They are standards of right, wrong, good, and evil that do not change with societys moral whims. They stand outside of time and space as does the authority they represent. Because Gods values are unchanging, He requires parents to instill them in the next generation. There is no individual freedom to decide which values are correct--God has already revealed them to us. The job of the parent is to call right, wrong, good, and evil, what God calls right, wrong, good, and evil. Moral judgments should not be mere personal opinions. For the Christian, an ethical lifestyle is a matter of allegiance to God--not one of personal preference.
Biblical ethics first serves to reveal Gods holiness, second to establish a standard of acceptable behavior, and third, to reveal sin.
The Requirements of Biblical Ethics
Of all the ethical systems in the world, there is no higher standard or virtuous motive directing moral behavior than that which comes from the Bible. The justification for that statement is basic: only the system of biblical ethics is other-oriented--not as a way to salvation, but as a result of salvation. That last sentence is basic to all that we believe regarding application of biblical principle.
There are many wonderful religious and ethical teachings in the world. But the motive for doing deeds of righteousness is the pursuit of salvation--man seeking favor with God. For many, individual acts of goodness are but steps to heaven. Not so for the Christian. We do right because positionally we have already come to the city of God, the heavenly Jerusalem, (Hebrews 12:22-23). We are to set our affections on the things above, (Colossians 3:1-2). Our goodness then, is a love response to God rooted in our relationship with Christ. 'We are to love one another, for love is of God," (1 John 4:7a). Therefore, we who are targets of Gods love ought to be targets of one anothers love. This is the summation of the Ten Commandments and the duty of man as stated by Jesus; love God and love your neighbor, (Mark 12:29-31).
The following illustration explains the point. Our daughter Jennifer received a Holly Hobbie doll one Christmas that she loved and cherished for many years. There were occasions when she asked one of us to hold the doll while she made up its bed. "Be very careful how you hold her, Daddy," was a common instruction. Her mother and I would look at that patched-up doll, with its stained clothing and missing hair, and focus on its material value. We often thought that pile of cloth must cost more to maintain than what it was worth. To us that doll was valueless, but not to its owner. To Jennifer, that doll was precious. And the more tattered it became, the more care and love she gave it. Jennifers words, "Be very careful how you hold her, governed our care. We held that doll, not based on our perception of its value, but on the value assigned to it by its owner.
You are like that Holly Hobbie doll--you have an owner, Jesus Christ. To Him you are absolutely precious. You are so precious that He left the splendor of heaven to come to earth to die for you (Philippians 2:6-8). "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes on Him should not perish but have everlasting life (John 3:16). I should not base my conduct toward you on how valuable you are to me, nor on any intrinsic value found in our humanity, but on how beloved we are to God, (Romans 8:35-39).
Scriptures Moral Mandate
What is the moral mandate of Scripture? It requires looking for and responding to the preciousness of those outside of self. That response is not at the expense of self, but in harmony with self (Proverbs 3:3-4). It is living out a manner of life that reflects Christ in us (John 13:34-35; Philippians 2:3-5). Jesus was other-oriented and set the ethical standard for the 'One anothers" of Scripture.3 We are to follow His example by ordering our behavior in accordance with the preciousness of others. We must consider those who come behind us, who stand at our sides, and who go in front of us. That is what biblical ethics is all about. It is a rational preoccupation with the concerns of those around us--a love-God, love-our-neighbor sensitivity, (Mark 12:28-31; 1 John 4:19-21). Behavior not based on biblical values is not reflective of God.4
When parents turn their backs on the only legitimate source of values, Gods revelation, personal values are substituted for truth, and shows up in their children. For the community of believers, what is at stake is our Christian witness. No non-Christian can damage a case for biblical ethics as badly as a Christian parent whose child is continually out of control, or the parent who is continually making excuses for that behavior.
Moral Training and Personality Differences
The training of children should be characterized by the same standard of moral excellence regardless of their personality, temperament, or gender. Many parents are guilty of dismissing the need for virtuous training based on their childs peculiarity.5 "Oh, but my child is different" is an unacceptable excuse, not a legitimate exception clause in the ethical scheme of the Bible.
We recognize that all children are different. Brothers and sisters can be as different from each other as the child next door. Every child has a unique temperament and personality combination that distinguishes him or her from all others.6 However, personality development and moral training are not the same activities. Personality is like the various sizes and style homes offered by a single contractor. Moral training is the consistent standard of craftsmanship found in each home regardless of style. Regardless of the personality distinctions found in your children, persistent moral training should not vary from child to child because Scriptures requirements for moral craftsmanship does not vary. Your children all represent different personality types. But which personality type does the Bible exempt from demonstrating kindness, patience, self-control, gentleness, humility, endurance, obedience, respect, honesty, integrity, or other virtues? None, of course. Parents need to recognize and appreciate the uniqueness of each child, but understand that uniqueness does not change the standard of ethical training. Temperaments and personalities cannot be used as an excuse for sin. "Thats just the way he is" or 'Hes all boy" are mere excuses. The virtues and values of life are the same for all and apply to all, at all ages regardless of gender. The duty of parents is to continually bring their children to Gods standard and not lower the standard to suit the child.7
WITH WHOM DOES MORAl. TRAINING BEGIN?
Moral training begins with parents. In Deuteronomy 6:4-6, Moses gave instructions as to how the Israelites were to live in their new land. Speaking of Gods moral requirements, he said, "Hear 0 Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words, which I am commanding you today, shall be in your heart." Parents cannot lead their children any further than where they have gone themselves. This is a basic truth--if the principles of moral conduct are not resident in their own hearts, they cannot be passed on to their children.
THE HOW AND THE WHY OF MORAL TRAINING
Parents often tell their children what to do, but not why they should do it. Knowing how to do right and why it should be done are two distinctly different things. The first represents the action; the second represents the principle. The New Testament demonstrates this concept. Note how many times the writers call for an action and then follow it with the reason why. For example, Philippians 2:14 says, "Do all things without complaining or disputing." Why? Verse 15 tells us, 'That you may become blameless and harmless, children of God, without fault, in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world."
Many children know how to apply moral law, but not as many know the why behind it. Children are taught what they should not do (e.g., do not steal) or should do (e.g., share your toys with your sister). However, parents in our society consistently fail to teach the moral or practical why of behavior. This results in children who are only outwardly moral. They know how to respond in different circumstances only because they have been trained to the circumstance, not because they understand the moral principle.
For example, Sandy actively teased her younger sister Cheryl in many unkind ways. Friends would hear Sandys secrets, but she publically excluded Cheryl from participating. When riding bikes together, Sandy predictably caused Cheryl to fall off and get hurt. Sandy would manipulate situations to gain an advantage over her sister at the expense of her sisters feelings. Mrs. Brown corrected each occurrence by punishing Sandy but could not understand why such exaggerated one-sided sibling conflict continued.
Mrs. Brown failed to realize the principles shared in the previous paragraphs. Yes, she temporarily suppressed evil by correcting each occurrence, but thats what led to the perpetual problem. She focused so much on unkind behavior that she failed to teach routinely the necessity of being kind. She was very reactive when it came to wrong but not pro-active when it came to teaching that which is right and virtuous. Parents must teach sibling kindness in the context of relationships by providing the moral reason behind required behavior in periods of conflict and non-conflict.
Does this obligate parents to provide a why explanation on demand? Of course not. There will be times when the explanation is simply "because Mommy said so. This is especially true in the toddler years. But, from three years old and up, parental instruction should be characterized by the inclusion of moral or practical reasons why.8 Without principles stirring the heart, a child is limited in just how intrinsically motivated he will become.
Providing the Moral Why
Anne Marie and I are associated with an educational experiment in a combination home and private school setting that measures the relationship between moral excellence and academic mastery. We passionately support the concept that moral training advances academic achievement. When children are interviewed for entrance to this school, they must go through a moral readiness evaluation. Several questions help determine that readiness.
A typical series of questions presented to a four-year-old child starts with, What would you do if dessert were served to you and to other guests, but the hostess had not yet sat down? Many children respond correctly: "Wait for the hostess to join us." That answer speaks to the moral action representing the required behavior. We then ask a more specific question: "Why will you wait? Only the children trained in moral principle are able to explain in theft own words the following concept. "It would be a way of showing respect for the one who served and prepared the dessert for us." Here are children who are in the process of becoming morally wonderful. They know both what to do and why it should be done. They are governing their lives by principle.
It is not enough to teach your children how to ad morally; they must learn to think morally. Knowing the virtuous motivation for behavior prevents robotic behavior. Children who do all the right things without knowing why they are right are moral robots. They often respond to situations and circumstances correctly, but not from any guiding principles of the heart. In contrast, children who govern their behavior by moral principle axe anything but robots. They are morally free, governing their behavior by intrinsic principle, not extrinsic circumstances.
Providing the Practical Why
Not every explanation offered by a parent is necessarily associated with moral training. Some explanations serve only a practical purpose. As a general rule, parents should offer a moral reason when a situation concerns people. They should offer practical reasons when a situation relates to things. For example, Nathans dad was working on a weed problem near the fruit tree. His busyness attracted Nathans curiosity. Instead of his dad commanding, "Nathan, move away from that tree," he warned, "Nathan, move away from the tree because Dad just sprayed poison around the trunk. Its not safe." In this situation, the restraint of behavior is for a practical reason (health and safety), not a moral one. Since Nathan received information about what was going on at the tree his curiosity was not further challenged. That information minimized the tension between Nathans need for obedience and his natural curiosity. His dad satisfied his childlike need to investigate.
Providing the Moral and Practical Why
While walking through the grocery store, Ryan became fascinated with the black and white plastic price labels staring him in the face. He found it amusing to slide each bold number back and forth in its tack. His mother said, "Ryan, do not touch the price tags." She followed that request with the reason why: 'Ryan, if you move the price tags, the people coming behind us will not know how much to pay for the items they need." His mothers explanation was both moral and practical--concern for others coming behind as welt as to prevent pricing mistakes.
The most significant point about this illustration is that the moral explanation meant something to four-year-old Ryan. His mom and dad ordered their private world according to biblical ethics. They managed their lives, home, and children from these values. Because the family was other-oriented, Moms reason fit naturally into Ryans developing worldview. Not moving the numbers made perfect sense to this little guy. He even communicated that principle to his little three-year-old cousin, encouraging her not to touch the numbers. Ryan took personal ownership of his parents values.
That ownership comes as a result of several factors working in harmony to achieve the goal. Certainly, ownership starts by instilling biblical values into the heart of the child. The process includes parental example, trusting relationships, parental honesty, security of the husband and wife relationship, the expression of family loyalty, and many more relational components. All of these factors encourage a child to integrate Mom and Dads value system into their life.
Parenting Extremes and Moral Training
The authoritarian approach to childrearing fails to provide the moral and practical reason behind instruction. That failure produces the image of a good child, but not the reality. The child is moral on the outside, but not on the inside--and that can last only so long. The absence of moral reason ultimately exasperates the child, producing power struggles and creating the propensity for moral default later in life. Children raised without values are emotionally vulnerable.
Permissive parenting also produces moral default. As stated earlier, the permissive parent is not pro-active when providing moral training. In their thinking, moving price tags Mound is childs play with no moral implications. Their tolerance of such misdeeds demon-states publicly theft lack of concern for those who come behind.
SUMMARY
The Bible represents ultimate authority and moral sufficiency. In its pages are the moral virtues that reflect Gods righteousness and wisdom. There are no moral variations in its precepts. The values that govern conduct and define good and evil are the same for all people and for all time. Christian parents need to realize that it is not enough to teach their children how to act morally; they must also teach them how to think morally. To accomplish that goal, parents themselves must think in accordance with biblical values. That thinking is the prerequisite to the process of raising a morally responsible child.
The lack of biblical values in the heart of our citizenry threatens each subsequent generation. As each generation becomes more desensitized to the preciousness of others, we will inevitably move to the generation that will mark the point of no return. As someone has expressed so welt what one generation will allow in moderation, the next will allow in excess.
FOOTNOTES:
3The "one-anothers" in Scripture are found in Romans 13:8, 14:13, 15:7, 15:14; Ephesians 4:2, 32; Colossians 3:16; Hebrews 3:13, 10:24; I Peter 1:22; and I John 3:11, 4:7, 4:11.
4Biblical ethics is antithetical to existential thought. Existentially-based parenting curriculums are not predicated on the need for a right moral outcome. To the existentialist, everything is relative. They do not base moral conduct on esteeming others higher than themselves (Philippians 2:3-5), but on the maximum pursuit of personal pleasure and the least amount of pain.
5We use the term temperament in accordance with its twentieth-century meaning, which speaks to broad categories of behavioral predispositions. We believe that temperament is inborn and God-given. It refers to the individuality and uniqueness of a person. As a childs temperament begins to interact with the influences of life, his personality forms.
6 Each temperament and personality combination has both strengths and weaknesses that must either be fostered or discouraged. The quiet child may not talk out of turn, while the verbal child struggles with the virtue of self-control and verbal discretion. But when it comes to respecting age, the verbal child may have an easier time responding when adults greet him. The quiet child will probably struggle with the virtue of responding appropriately. Although we cannot use temperament variation as an excuse for poor behavior, it should be used to identify where parents need to place their training efforts.
7Moral training is progressive. That is, all virtues placed in the heart of a child develop from the general to the specific. A week-old baby in the womb is as much a baby as he is on the day of delivery. There is a maturation process, but at no point was the baby not a baby. Moral virtues develop in a similar fashion, moving from infancy to maturity, but they are always complete virtues. For example, when learning the virtue of honesty, a three-year-old child will first learn, 'Thou shall not steal." At five, the understanding of the virtue broadens. "Thou shalt not steal" includes "Thou shall not manipulate a situation to gain an advantage over another childs toy." By age seven, different specific meanings include "Thou shall not extort from another." At twelve, the meaning expands further, continuing the progress until the child comes to the fullness of that virtue. With proper parental guidance at every stage, the child will mature morally, and the meaning of the virtue will expand.
8Providing moral and practical reasons why is the duty of every parent. Yet children will initiate their owr questions. These questions can be classified into three general categories:(1) The why of curiosity (nonmoral) 'Why do birds build their nests in trees?" 'Why are the men working on the road? or, "Why is the grass green? (2) The why of comprehension (moral) "Why did you help the man in the wheelchair? "Why should we always tell the truth?" or, Why do we obey the park rules?"(3) The why of challenge (moral) 'Why do I have to?" 'Why cant I?" or, "Why should I?" Of the three categories, parents should respond positively to the first two--the why of curiosity and understanding. Correction must be given to the third--the why of challenge.