<====
His eyes were very strange also. While he looked one way, the other eye would be looking another way. Both eyes were cocky as can be, but one stayed in one place all the time. The other always rotated, and it was like a clock. It would turn the way the hands on a clock would. And it would make a ticking noise also. His ears were very strange indeed. One was larger than the other, but the weird thing about it was, the smaller ear, he could hear everything clear as can be. But the larger ear, he was deaf in. You'd think it was the other way around, but ha, he sure tricked you!
Last but not least, the last physical feature he has is his head. It's shaped like a kumquat. This man's name is Quasi Kumquat.
Quasi Kumquat lived in India for a long time. He is actually Osama bin Laden's sister's niece's grandmother's mom's third cousin's lover. After he moved to the U.S. (he floated here in a tin can), he lived under Courage the Cowardly Dog's house for a long time. He wanted to become an actor, so he tried out for the part of "Harry" in the movie Harry Potter. He actually made it, and look what make-up can do! WONDERS! But while the make-up was off, he was just another deformed guy. Everybody made fun of him. Even the special kids made fun of him.
After he graduated from highschool, he got a job as a freak in a circus, and he rode a vaccuum cleaner to work. He also owns a support group for other ugly men that girl's won't date, because people think they're lepers, but they're really just deformed because they got put into a microwave and they melted. This group is called KUMQUATS UNITED. They wanted to commit suicide because of a few incidents. They wanted to die because Ginger of the Spice Girls left, and because McDonald's canceled a burger that they all liked. They also wanted to die because Steve from Blue's Clues left (who now works as a choir director at a highschool) and was replaced by Joe, who is really a lesbian homosexual transvestite.So they wanted to all end it there, but they all were saved by a group of mutant kumquats from the planet Jujufeedomaabuhhhwee.
Quasi became good friends with Donovan (the guy that plays Joe on Blue's Clues). Donovan talked Quasi into becoming a stripper. He works at a strip club called The Sugar Shack, and then he works the corners in Florida. But even though his face is totally deformed, he is the total opposite under his clothes. Underneith, he's very buff and strong. He looks very very GOOD. Although he thinks he gets all the money because of his great body, it's his hump on his back that is the star. His hump gets him triple the money he usually would make, and also, his hump is a dance instructor. It invented the famous dance "The Electric Slide".
While all this is going good for Quasi, there's something going on that he does not know about. Quasi's hump is having secret love affairs. Quasi's hump is having an affair with Joe, the Telletubbies, & Barney! And it's all happening..BEHIND QUASI'S BACK! *gasp* After Quasi learned about this, he fell into depression and he decided that the couldn't trust his hump anymore. So he had is surgically removed. After that, he had to stop being a stripper, because he did not bring in the BACON because his hump was gone now. *sniffles* How sad....*hands you a tissue* Anyway, after the long days and short nights Quasi had cried and cried, he finally made a new friend. His name was Ronald. Ronald was not your average man. Here is the story about Ronald.
As a child, Ronald was extremely lively and frisky. He was a flirt. He flirted with all the girls on the playground all the time. By the time Ronald had finished highschool, he was voted "Most Handsome" and "Most Likely to Succeed". But they didn't know him very well. After Ronald was out of highschool and starting college, he mistook his backpack for a grenade, and after he pulled the pin out, it exploded! BOOM! He now is the ugliest man in the world, with a bright red afro. He also became a clown for a living after that.
Ronald was still a great guy though. Making his way through clown college, he tutored young men and women to become clowns. If they didn't pay attention in his class, he threw a Swiss Army Knife at them, and also threw a banana. That made those hoodlums behave! After a couple years, Ronald finally found out that tutoring wasn't the way to go, so he joined the Army. His experience with heavy artillary and grendes helped him get the job as Sergeant Ronald. He was soon fired after that for throwing the pin instead of the grenade. And that's how Ronald and Quasi met. They both got their asses kicked out of the Army for being derky iriots. They became best friends inbetween their ignorance! Friends till the end!! Wheee!
Soon they decided they loved eachother very very much, and they decided to spend the rest of their lives together. It was a beautiful ceremony. THEN CAME THE.....*dun dun dun* HONEYMOON!! *Sexy music plays in background* They didn't have alot of money, so they spent it at Chuck E Cheeses. They shut down the whole damn shebang, and they romped in the ballpit like you wouldn't believe. Then Ronald started to look like he had a beachball in his stomach, so they went to the doctor to find out what it was. This doctor was Dr.Nick Akil
" HI EVERYBODY! I'm Dr. Nick! Lay down on this table, and I'll find out the problem!"
He then turned to the montier, and then turned back, eyes bulging like you wouldn't believe.
"YOU HAVE THREE RETARDS IN YOUR STOMACH, DUMMAYYYYY"
He put the stethiscope on Ronald's tummaaayyy, and instead of the heartbeats, they heard a long string of "ABUHHHHHSSS". And this is what came out ; a Hamburgler, a Joker attached to a motorcycle, & an ugly troll with red hair and a kookie eye.