Welcome to my corner of unworthy dribble dedicated to the legend of..............
What can we begin to say about John? He's become a household name these days, thanks to his famous singing/acting/dancing/comedy act with which he is now touring Scotland. If you'd like an autographed photo of John, please contact Erin Durst, president of the JOHN THE CACTUS FAN CLUB®,and she'll readily comply.
Recently, Erin granted me the privilege of an interview with her:
Q: It must be hard to cope with such a famous cactus. Has the fame completely gone to his head?
Erin: Well, not really. John's a very level-headed cactus. The only thing that's different about him now that he's "famous" is that he has his own room, with a 50" TV, spa, wall-to-wall carpeting, indoor swimming pool (he never goes in without a flotation device, don't worry), personal secretary, body guard, tennis court, TV series, fast food chain, and super model. Other than that, he's the same old lovable John that I first picked out at the florist shop. [Erin gets a small tear in her eye and pauses to wipe it away.] It's still hard for me to believe that we've known each other these three happy years! Time has passed by so quickly with John. Every day when I would wake up, I'd turn and see his creepy googly eyes glaring at me blankly from underneath his woolen nightcap. Ah! how reassuring that used to be! No matter what happened, I knew it would be ok. John just made me feel that way.
Q: Do you get to see him very often, or does he occupy all the time with contract negotiations and investment planning?
Erin: He is a busy cactus you know, but he does make time to see me every two weeks or so. We go out to lunch together. [Erin looks so immensely happy I feel it incumbent upon me to interrupt her]
Q: And where do you usually eat at?
Erin: [starts suddenly from her daydream of the happiness of dining with John]....What? Where were we at?....Eating out..oh yes! It depends upon John's preferences for that day really. Sometimes we go to a romantic Italian restaurant, just us two, or sometimes he takes me with a bunch of his cacti buddies to eat at Papa John's Prickles®. That's the food chain he owns, you know. [bright smile beams upon Erin's face] I'm so proud to have such a talented cactus. He was the only one in the floral shop with googly eyes...all the other ones just had spines. I was thinking of getting a petunia plant instead, but when I saw those eyes of his, I knew that John was the plant for me.
Q: Ahem..so I see. I guess since John's reknowed among cacti now you get to meet lots of famous celebrities?
Erin: Oh yes! Most of John's cacti buddies are in adverts and stuff like that. They're very wealthy plants.
Q: I was referring to famous people.
Erin: Yes, I have met a few of them, Fred Durst, Keanu Reeves, Christina Aguilera, people like that. But I much more enjoy meeting cacti. They have such fascinating stories to tell. Like the cactus that John introduced me to yesterday, he was telling me about last year when he molted and.............
Q: As fascinating as that sounds, I'm afraid we're almost out of disk space.
Erin: Did I tell you John has his very own laptop? It's great! Nothing but the best in technology for John. He gets thousands of e-mails every day from fans across the world! He spends hours reading them. [Erin looks rather sad and her eyes fill up with tears. One by one they fall pitably down her cheeks.]
Q: Why Erin, what's the matter?
Erin: [sniffling fiercely] Nothing...it's just...I miss the good old days with John. We used to sit around rainy Saturday mornings watching reruns of Lassie, eating popcorn and drinking diet coke. If there were any sad parts of the episode we were watching, John and I would cry together. Now John cries with his millions, and...I-I-I...I CRY ALONE! WAAAAAAAAH! [Erin suddenly recollects where she's at, and struggles violently to regain control of her passion.] ......Are there any more questions you'd like to ask me?
Q: Just one more, if you think you're able. What special qualities do you think John has that have enabled him to set himself apart from all other cacti?
Erin: [dabbing at her tear-stained cheeks resolutely] Why, of course I'm able. What do you take me for?....but the question...hmmm...John has many obvious qualities that set him apart, such as the googly eyes, his fine red pot (most cacti don't live in china pots you know..they are confined to clay), and his gorgeous pickle-like figure. But I've known John since he was a sprout and there's much more to him than that. He's got caring spines and a loving hollow interior. He'd do anything for you if a few £ were in question. Besides all that though, it's a little known fact that he's on helluva tap dancer. Let me demonstrate. [Erin gets up and performs a routine which seems to involve the stambling of many underfoot ants.] There you see? I taught that to John when he was only 6 months old. He only performs it on rare occasions now, like when a building's burning down or something....once you know he rescued a squirrel from...
Q: Well Erin, thank you so much for this lovely opportunity of finding out more about everyone's favourite cactus. I hope you will give our regards to John.
Erin: Of course I will. Bye bye children! [Erin waves goodbye. Her method of waving: the window washer.] And remember, make sure you check your local newspapers for John's schedule. The travelling cactus may be coming to your town soon!
©2001 Prosaically Prolix Use of this interview in any way without official consent of ME is strictly prohibited.
«»!¡!NEWS of JOHN!¡!«»
March 15
A spine fell out of John yesterday. He was rushed immediately to the nearest hospital accompanied by his faithful companion Erin "Durst." After hours of exhaustive examination, doctors concluded that the loss of the spine was not fatal to the courageous cactus. John is being kept in Intensive Care for a few days so the doctors can monitor him. As one of the surgeons is quoted as saying, "What we have now under our care is a very priceless cactus. Millions all over the world love him. It would be quite a loss to society if, God forbid, anything happened to him, so we're keeping him for observations as long as need be. No medical attention can be deemed unnecessary when we're dealing with John the Cactus." The spine is in great condition as well, and is being auctioned off today, in a charity event that is going to raise an estimated £500,000,000 for destitute and shrivelled cacti everywhere.
·JOIN ERIN DURST'S CAMPAIGN·
"TO END PREJUDICE AGAINST PRICKLY PERSONS"
TODAY!
