Resume Faux Pas
If you were my boss and you read this poem, would you fire me?
If this poem was my resume, would you hire me?
I have skills that reach the proverbial roof, all of which are old and new.
If I may have just a moment of your time, I'll list them off to you.
I am the plumber for my home because my father is always busy.
I am the mechanic for my family's cars since my brother is a pussy.
I am the fetcher of things that people place high up in the shelves.
Because my mother stands at five-foot-one she can't reach them by herself.
I am a tutor during finals week which is a real kick in the crotch.
But since the desperation is thick they're willing to pay a lot.
I'm the designated drinker when they refuse to believe I can.
I'm the designated driver when they all can barely stand.
As a public speaker I am eager to be heard.
But my politician's intuition tells me not to say a word.
I will always be the one who speaks for all of those who can't.
And remember that a scapegoat is required for those who rant.
As a philosoph I don't spout off and keep my words in line.
But as a critic I'm a cynic and will spout off all the time.
Now, washing dishes was really quite hard when I had to take a piss.
Hands submerged in a lukewarm bath - there was nothing worse than this.
Except perhaps for the asshole at noon who wanted his usual order.
I smiled with malice as I spit in his sandwich and the bastard tipped me a quarter.
Being the boss was fun for a while but it kind of went to my head.
Dominating was also fun when my partner was tied to my bed.
I'm the financial advisor and personal trainer to a few I hardly know.
I'm a tourguide for my father's clients who don't know where to go.
The students I teach, the cars I fix, the government warnings to shut down my site,
The dishes, the bitches, the sandwiches, and people's papers I write.
I am a reader of minds, a master of lies, and a student of the arts.
I will flawlessly act my character out as others play their parts.
I have had a lot of jobs in the past with a few unhappy bosses.
But if hired I'll work hard I swear. Just give me a corner office.
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