ROCKETMAN
F- Gemini This is Houston. Do you copy? Pssh Roger that Houston. This is Captain Fred Randall. Pssh Houston the Earth looks beautiful. It's like a giant blueberry. Pssh Roger that Houston, we are set to fire retro-rockets in T minus 6 and counting... 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Ignition! Houston we have a problem! We have a problem! Mission control the gyro is out! The gyro is out! Houston we have a problem! We have a problem! I want my mommy! I want my mommy! Uh-Oh.
Mom- Fred Z. Randall what are you doing?
F- I come in peace.
Mom- Look George it's our little moon man.
Dad_ Sweet pickled pineapples. Why doesn't he play football like the rest of the kids?
21 years later...
B- Captain requests go for landing.
- Pilgrim 1 requests go for landing.
P- Go is affirmative.
- Pilgrim 1 you are go for landing.
B- Roger that Houston
- Airshell deployed, Acceleration rates normal, Ecclise is go.
-- Pilgrim is through the highgate at 80%.
-Heartbeat steady.
-My man is made of ice.
G- Pssh Pssh Pssh Bill.
B- I see it
G- Houston requests 20% X-gibble correction.
P- Tell them no.
- Negative Pilgrim. Hold your transfer ellipse steady.
J- What's going on Hackman?
G- This isn't right, the computer says we're comin' in too steep.
B- 20,000 meters
- Pilgrim dropping rapidly to the Martian surface. Glide slope is eroding.
J- APU's a go.
B- Gary.
G- Increase 20%. Do it now or we'll burn up.
? B- Going in.
P- Why is he course correcting? Why is he course correcting? Would someone answer me please?
- I don't know.
B- Engaging landing thrusters.
G- Houston we're off course.
B- C'mon we're losin'. We're losin' her mon. We're losin' her Houston Psssshhhhh.
P- Congratulations. You're all dead. Third time in a row Hackman. Nice move on that course correction.
J- Paul it wasn't his fault.
G- That's right the Navigation computer keeps tellin' me to correct it. It's obviously screwed up.
P- Oh, That's the problem? Well pardon me.
B- Gary says the computer is screwin' up then the computer is screwin' up. Why don't you just fix it?!
P- Get me the name of the guy who wrote this software!!!
F- Better engage the anti-theft device. Hey, morning everybody. Hi Floyd. Hey Kimmy Lee Wong. Five minutes until the official workday starts that's five minutes to save the world. Die! Get back to your own planet you big bulgy-eyed bald creatures! Hahahahahahahahahaha
P- Your supervisor showed us in. He said that you're the guy who designed our mission operating system?
F- Sweet Alaskan asparagus tips. You're the Mars team.
P- Well Mr. Randall Ahh
F- Paul Wick, Lead Flight Director. Oh sir I am a big fan of yours. It's a plea... William Overbeck. Wild Bill Overbeck, Ohh! In my office! I feel like a palentologist that's been huntin' dinosaurs his whole life and fin'lly got to meet one.
B- Thank you.
F- Eight shuttle missions eight of 'em.
B- Nine actually, but who's counting?
F- Well apparently you are my friend. Oh thank you for bringin' 'im here I've been following his career since I used to play in the swirling and swirling.
G- Check this out.
F- Gary Hackman? Computer Specialist, How's my baby treatin' ya?
G- Actually.
P- That's why we're here. Some of think it may have a glitch.
F- A glitch? No, that's not possible. I programmed it myself. It's perfect.
B- Not exactly, the computer keeps miscalculating our orbital entry trajectories.
G- Here's the Data.
F- Okay here we go Oh Oh-Yeah here it comes hum hum There it is. Got it got it.
P- There's what?
F- This popcorn kernels been stuck in my molars for the last two weeks. Well, there's your problem. Gray's been running the Honar transfer system to include gravitational effect. Varing is the inverse cube of the distance.
G- I'm a decorated astronaut, I don't make those kind of mistakes.
F- Oh now wait a minute. Look I'll show ya. I'll enter the same calculations using what we like to call The Right Way. And I'll open the Lander file. And I'll initiate the Mars landing sequence.
P- I've seen enough.
F- Watch this fellas. Wuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuw Pishhhh
G- Ridiculous, C'mon move! Move! (mumbles something under his breath) popcorn geek. See I told you it's the computer.
F- Eeh
G- Oh oh. I can explain everything.
Ben- Skull Fracture? I can't believe it. Injured while provin' himself wrong.
G- I can explain it.
P- He heard you.
Ben- So, What do we do now? We postpone it.
P- We can't Ben you've seen the reports of the Surveyor Satellite we have orbiting Mars. There are periodic sandstorms on the surface. They go on for months at a time, make a landing impossible. If we delay now and those storms set in we lose our window. We can't launch again then for two years.
Ben- Then we wait two years.
P- Ben, Ben, Ben, if we cancel this launch everyone will lose faith...in you...in me... in the whole NASA team. But we could sub in a backup. And as a matter of fact we have two choices. The first choice of course is Gordon Peacock
B- hahaha
P- But he hasn't tested well for space travel.
Ben- Test him again. Who's your second choice?
P-
F- NASA. Yee-haw! Haha Mr. wick can I call you Paul?
P- No.
F- Are we there yet?
P- No.
F- Can I drive?
P- No.
F- Can I park it? Hey Hey That stubby guy, was that John Glenn?
P-Please come with me.
F- I'm sure it was him.
P- I have less than a month to see if you have what it takes to be an astronaut. Fred, I got to, I got to get you a clearance badge. You stay right here. -Clearance badge.
F- (First Voice)Pssh Commander are you sure we're headed towards the planet Earth? It looks a heck of a lot like the sun. (Second Voice) Of course I'm sure you fool. How dare you question my authority. Pssh Ahhhah. Morning! Oh sorry, sorry It wasn't me! Wasn't me! The ah Cafeteria Lady pushed me Mr. ah Bud Nesbitt?
Bud- Who the h--- are you?
F- Apollo 13 you're the one responsible for the... I mean when I say responsible I mean I was responsible for this all this.
Bud- Apollo 13 was an accident.
F- Sure, sure it was. Just like the Captain of the Exxon Valdez didn't see Alaska floatin' there right in front of him. Could I ah get your autograph right there?
P- What ah another accident Bud?
F- No, No, No, This was all me this was we were walking down the hall and the Cafeteria Lady jumped out of the doorway and pushed me right into Bud Nesbitt. Apollo 13 wrecker. dadeh de
P- Bud's been a little touchy the last ten ta fifteen years.
J- Ohohohohohahahahahahh! Who are you?
F- I'm Fred Fred Fred Ran Fred Ran Fred Ran Ran Ran Ran Randall.
P- That's Fred Randall. Fred! Meet your new roomate.
F- Julie Ford, Mission Specialist, Geologist, Oh oh it's gonna be a real honor sleeping with you.
P- (clears his throat)
F- Completely different beds.
P- Fred, she's not your roommate. He is.
U- Ohohahahah!
F- Ha Ha Haaaaaaaahaha Ohh I get I get it Haze the rookie. Good one. The legendary rooming with the monkey gag. Ha Ha
J- Ulysses is a chimp, not a monkey.
F- He's ah a
J- He's the key to discovering life on Mars. Ohohohahhahhahh! I'm training him using calls that he's familiar with to retrieve specific rock samples from the underground fissures.
F- Of course. There's still moisture under the surface. And where there's water there could be life.
J- That's right. Good Boy.
F- Or death. Death to anyone who dare to disturb the Martian Crust Devils with their venomous feed and their wet-sucking lips.
J- Ah Paul, can I talk to you for a second?
P- Sure.
F- Well it looks like it's just me and you my little Ewok. You're gonna be my very first roommate.
P- So, what do you think?
J- What do you think? I mean what's your reasoning here Paul?
F- Little Dr. Zaous.
J- Because we're going to Mars we should take a guy along from Mars?
F- OhohohohAhh!
U- AhAhAh!
F- AHHAHHAHH!!!
P- He's a computer genius, he's supposed to be a little weird.
J- A little?!
F- AHHAHH!!!
P- I'm not gonna let a few random personality quirks ground the most important mission in my career.
J- Well excuse me for letting my practical concerns get in the way of your career.
P- Wait Wait This mission means as much to you as it does to me Ford. And if Gordon can't cut it this kid is our last hope. That's impressive, They're bonding already.
F- Mom please I really wish you would stop referring to it as running away from home. It's only temporary.
Mom- Going to Mars is not temporary Freddie. The last time you ran away it was just to the garage. Oh I know, you're rebelling aren't you?
F- Mom, I don't even know if I'm going to Mars for sure. Though I wish I was.
Mom- I made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches just like you like 'em. It's a long trip.
F- I'm not even hungry, honestly.
Mom- Look, there's a little moon, a star , and a little rocket.
F- I'm thirty years old. I'm almost a full grown (voice cracks) man. I'll take the rocket.
F- Well isn't this a treat. Finally a place of my own. No one to tell me what to do. Wasn't me! Hey. There's no eating puzzles in the house and surely we don't jump on the bed. Alright, I'm going out. If you light the place on fire the number's 9-1-1, thank you.
B- Hey Randall! C'mon I'll buy you a drink.
F- Now wait a second I'm not much of a drinker.
B- Yo! A round of Blast Off for my friend Randall here. (bartender laughs)
F- Blast Off ? What's that?
B- Well it's a very special drink. It's just for us astronauts.
F- Oh like Tang?
B- Exactly.
B- Houston, we have ignition. (all at table laugh)
F- (blows on the lighted drinks)
B- Yes whooo Excellent! Excellent! Commencing countdown in 3-2-1 Blast Off! Blast Off! Blast Off! Blast Off!
F- Weeehawwww! Whaa woohahahaha twirl
B- Hey Ford, off work early huh?
J- Is this necessary?
B- Oh Absolutely. Enjoy the show.
J- Oh Geez. Getting someone drunk like this is wrong.
B- Is he the one you want in the jumpseat next to you when you're 35 million miles away from home?
F- Errh Julie Ford Hahahahahahahaha Julie Ford C'mon let's twirl! Twirl!
J- Ahh!
F- Twirling. Whoah It wasn't me! Wasn't me!
B- You kids have fun now ya hear.
J- Everyone is laughing at us. This is not some frat party Randall. This is NASA. And some of us have actually learned the right to be here. We need someone to replace Gary on this mission or it doesn't happen. So grow up or get out! But don't waste my time.
F- Hey, Julie! I was just tryin' to ya know Fit in.
U- Ohoh
F- Julie? Waahhhh! Hey don't worry little fella it's only thunder. Scares me too. Can't sleep, huh? Alright, I'll sing you a little lullaby but only one. Hairy little monkey sleeping in the night. Close your monkey eyes so monkey monkey tight Then you'll know little monkey doesn't fright when the thunder goes boom so deep into the night.
U- (gives Fred a kiss)
B- Oh this Randall guy's a joke.
P- Give him a chance that's all I ask.
B- He's not gonna show ya know. That guy's an embarrassment to NASA.
P- Now I understand guys like him. Trust me he'll be a total professional. Ahh!
F- Morning. Morning.
P- Oh Good Fred... Look we'll start off your testing this morning with the Isolation Chamber. So for the next 24 hours we'll see if you can withstand the extreme isolation of space travel.
F- Cut off from all external stimuli. Completely and utterly alone.
B- Well, not exactly. Your competition is gonna be in the adjacent chamber. Gordo!
GP- Sir.
F- Hey! Gordon A. Peacock, Computer Specialist. Well, well, well, well, well. Isn't this a treat. Huh Hey, What kind of laptop do ya have?
B- Randall, let's go!
P- Close it up.
- Gordo you're on the right Randall you're on the left chamber here.
F- Surely!
- Initializing 24 hour clock.
F- Oh Oh AhAhAh Hello! (echo)
GP- What the heck?
F- Is that you? (echo)
Yes, it's me. (echo)
Prove it! (echo)
I asked you first. (echo)(echo)
Yodalodolohehee (echo)
Yodalodolohuhuu (echo)
Yodolodoloodoluudulu (echo) -echos overlap
Oh John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt (J.J.J.H.S.) his name is my name too. Whenever we go out the people always shout: THERE GOES J.J.J.H.S.!!!
GP- Ohh! (relief) He stopped.
F- (whispering) -people always shout J.J.J.H.S.!!!!
GP- Ahhhhh!!!
F- J.J.J.H.S.!!! G-Ahhhhh!!! 12x
After sixth time: -Paul, this isn't human.
F- (1st Voice) -man-clears throat- English accent: I say Freddie it was absolutly lovely for you to invite us out of London for the weekend old boy. (2nd Voice) -woman: Yes, It's smashing to be here Freddie. (Normal Voice): Well, It's my pleasure to have you here Mr. and Mrs. Plumpton.
GP- Iyiyiyi Iyiyiyi Background: Fred's voices
-Day's over. Let's get 'em out.
GP- Somebody stole my pants.
F- 1st: Yes you did.
2nd: I did not and I'm telling you I never will.
Normal: Ah could you guys give us just a few more minutes I just started the third act.
2nd: Yes, close the door it's bloody chilly in here.
1st: Yes, close the door you fat.
2nd: Don't use that word around the children.
B- Yes! Power down.
- Powering down.
--Gordo good work.
B- Yeah, way to go Gordo. Look's like he beat that motion sickness.
F- Ha hey Nice ride fella.
GP- Thank you.
F- But you probably shouldn't have had that liverwurst and that cheese sandwich before this.
GP- (runs to the steps and throws up)
B- Hey Randall, You know that Iso Chamber was cakewalk. Now this little baby this is a whole other animal.
F- Ha Ha Hey How fast does this treat twirl?
P- Nearly 200 miles an hour
- At 6 G's, Billdor holds the record.
B- Have fun kid.
F- haha Fun is my Chinese neighbor's middle name.
B- Man.
-- Smooth sailing Randall
- Stand by.
P- Alright let's try 4 G's.
B- Make it five.
F- Woowoowoo Woowoowowoo A little faster please
-5.7, 5.8
F- Thank you
-6 G's
F- Woowoowoowoo
- He tied your record Commander. Should I stop?
F- Give it a little gas!
B- Make it seven.
F- Yeehaw! Faster Faster Wooowwoowowowowo Slow Down Moooommmmy I want my mooommmmmmy AHHHH!!!
P- Huh?
Nuns- And what's the most important thing at NASA children?
Children- Safety!
F- Ahhh! Ahh! Our Father who art in Heaven Ahhhh! Ahh!
Nurse- Here we go Gary. Be brave, huh? Why don't you try walking?
F- Ahhh! Get out of the way! Ahhhh! Ahhh! Ahh!
G- Ouch!
F- Ah sorry I'm late. I ah I ran into Gary and ah
Bud- Get in the chair Fred.
F- The
Bud- The other chair.
F- Sweet swirling onion rings. (mumbles wires connections) And that's it!
Bud- Good Randall. Really good. Fastest time I've ever seen.
F- I ah I designed most of these circuits.
P- How's it goin' Oh he's doin' great.
Bud- Now let's see what happens under emergency conditions. You got one minute to complete the board or your crew dies. Begin.
F- Woahwoah woowoowoo
Bud- You know what to do. You doubt yourself you fail!
F- Ceiling floor floor ceiling. It's moving too fast.
Bud- It'll be a hundred times worse in real life.
-C'mon Randall
F- Wuwuwuwuwu
Bud- Randall. Randall! Randall, you're hopeless.
F- Oah How'd I do?
-1 minute 30 seconds. Just remember gentlemen the object is to keep the pingpong ball airborne as long as possible. We're testing lung capacity to determine the amount of time you have to survive should a life support malfunction occur. So you know the record's 3 minutes held by Commander Overbeck.
Bud- Ford, Do me a favor. If by some miracle this kid makes it, look out for him.
P- Sir.
Ben- hahaha Hey Bud.
P- Bud. Will you excuse us ?
-Ah they're closing in on Bill's record
F- (muffled) How you doing How you doing there
Ben- So what do you think?
B- I think Gordon's an astronaut and Fred's not.
Ben- Hmmm I don't know
GP- Ahhh!
-He broke the record!
F- It wasn't me! Wasn't me!
Ben- So we will be using a new system that generates artificial gravity on this mission.
? -London Davert BBC
-- Miss Ford, Do you expect to find life on Mars?
J- Absolutely, Yes, along with my crew including Ulysses I think it is most likely we will find microscopic unicellular organisms that are very similar to those found in the rock fragments from Antarctica.
? -London Davert BBC
--- Commander Overbeck, we've all read about the potentially dangerous windstorms on the surface. How's that going to affect the mission?
B- Well, as a former test pilot, ah I've experienced my share of wind problems. But the ground crew has assured me that if we launch now these storms shouldn't be any trouble.
? -London Davert BBC
---- Mr. Wick, has NASA selected a replacement crew member yet?
P- Well I'm ah glad that you've asked that question. Ben, you wanna take this one?
Ben- Yes um I have made a decision on our our replacement and the National Aeronautics and Space Administration is pleased as um I am pleased to um announce the appointment of astronaut and third crew member of the historic manned mission to Mars Astronaut Fred Randall!
F-
F- I'm not ready Bud.
Bud- Fred, in '68 when President Johnson appointed me Chief of Operations on the Apollo missions he gave me three commemorative coins. One for Honor, which I gave to Armstrong. One for Freedom, I gave that one to Level. And one for Bravery. Hasn't done me much good. Maybe it'll mean something to you.
F- I feel like the Cowardly Lion If I were the king of the forest I'd ruff and I'd ruff and I'd ruff HaHa
Bud- How 'bout just sayin' `Thanks for the cool coin Bud it really means a lot to me.`
F- Oh yeah, thanks for the cool coin Bud it really, what was the rest?
Bud- humhum You're welcome Fred. Good luck Astronaut Randall!
-----engager ready power transfer on-----
B- Alright team let's keep the tires and light the fires
U- Ohohah
F- Don't worry Ulysses everything's gonna be okay. Nothin' to be scared of. I'm not scared there's no reason why you should be scared.
P- APU's?
- Go
P- Ohms?
- Looking good
-- Houston we're getting close here. Initializing final checklist.
B- Fuel Cells
J- Fuel Cells check
B- Hydrolics
J- Hydrolics check
B- CDPS panel 6
J- MMU1
B- IPL
F- AT&T?
J- PPU mode 4
F- KFC?
B- DDP
F- YMCA?
J- GDC in 5
F- BMW?
B- CNS
F- CNN?
B- CNS
F- IHOP?
J- Randall, computer navigation systems
F- I have to go tinkle!
J- CNS check
- Ecliss
J- Ecliss check
- APU's
- APU's a go
- Abort switch
J- Abort switch on
- Initializing final launch sequence
- P- Alright people lookin' good T minus 10. Let's light her up.
F- No, not yet!
- 10, 9
F- 15,
- 8, 7,
F- 29,
- 6,
5, F- There's a fly in my helmet!
4, F- It just went up my nose!
3, F- Whaa
2, F- Whaa
1, F- Ahchoo!!!
-We have lift off 0232GMT!
Mom- Oh Lord, I hope I packed him enough underwear.
Dad- I wouldn't worry about that pumpkin, He's probably packin' his own underwear right now.
F-
F- Woo My! Are you guys seeing this? My helmet! Did you see that? My face went back like this and then I things flew out of my mouth Ohh Can we do that again? Wahoo Wooo! I like this! Hey! I'm floating up in the air Like a little bird, like a crow (crow caw: Ahh Ahh) Hey looky there. There's a big field of corn down there everybody.
B- Engaging artificial gravity in 3...2,1.
F- Eww!
J- Hey Randall. Take a look out the window.
F- It really does look like a giant blueberry. Hi mom. Hi dad.
Commander can I call you Bill?
B- No.
F- Are we there yet?
B- No.
F- Can I drive?
B- No!
F- I'm hungry.
F- Ohh Ulysses it's yum-yum time.
U- Ohoohahah
F- OwwOww Oh the flesh it burns! Oh Oww I need some burn ointment. Ohh
U- Ohahah
F- You hungry Ulysses? Here, you eat the monkey fruitcake. Now go sit at the table. Sit at the table.
U- Ohohahahahahah
B- Randall, where's that dinner?
F- It's just coming out of the oven Bill.
B- Okay people let's eat up here. In twenty minutes we've got a broadcast with the President and the entire free world.
F- If it's all the same to you guys I'm gonna sit that one out.
J- So, what'd you make for dinner?
F- Prime rib, whipped broccoli, and mashed potatoes.
J- Oh! Oh! Argh!
F- Oh Julie's doin' her old yeller impression `Please Pa, I don't want yeller ta die.`
J- Wahh - Toofpaste ohh Yuck yuck pueu
B- This is not potatoes. (muffled)
F- I'm sorry, What?
B- This is not, Oh Man! It's Hemoroid Cream! (muffled)
F- Hemowowoo
B- Hemowoid Cream!
F- Wuwoowuwuwu
B- It's hemorroid cream (mumbles more) Yah!
F- Hey! Swallow your food there fella.
F- Dear Mr. President. No. Dear world and Mr. President. Wahwoo That came out of nowhere. Woah look out Sally.
J- Be careful you don't get sucked out when you flush.
F- What?!
J- Happens all the time.
F- Oh No! Bud's Coin! Come ta Papa OhhOhh
Mr. Pres- Good evening my fellow Americans and citizens of the world. Tonight we are privileged to be speaking live to our courageous Mars Astronauts. Good evening Commander.
B- Good evening Mr. President. Welcome aboard the Aires. I would like to say that this mission is intended to to honor all of the peoples of the world. For space is about the highest yearning of man...
F- Are we on?
B- Of mankind.
Mr. Pres- I don't mean to cut you off Commander but I'm going to because I spy Fred Randall there and I believe the people of the world would like to know just why he looks like a Smurf tonight.
B- Officer Randall has some duties to perform in another compartment of of the space craft right now.
F- WE are on.
B- If I could just finish this this thought.
Mr. Pres- Say hello to the world son.
F- Me? Me? Yes Mr. President ah I ah I don't think that I ah Oh Boy!
J- Tell him what it's like up here.
Mr. Pres- Yeah son you go 'head.
F- Mr. President sir from up here I can uh well I can see the whole world out that window and ah well I know down there there's a lot of wars and people fighting and so on and what not. But from up here I feel like I could just take the whole world and hold it in my hands. Just like a ripe blue-blueberry. I feel like I can it's almost like I I got the whole world in my hands 4x Alright now the French! Ya swee la papy oh soo la ta vivek Channel Number 5 gogana Now the Germans! Ish shleven dauchten slug de lug enjoy yee Voltzwagon Ikes goggaly gawg. Oh c'mon just the Western Hemisphere oh
Mr. Pres- He's got the whole world in his hands
F- C'mon Commander!
Mr. Pres.- He's got the whole world in his hands
P- Oohh
Mr. Pres- He's got the whole
B- d---
Mr. Pres- world in his hands F- in my hands
- he's got the whole world in his hands
Mr. Pres- Everybody now!
- He's got the. . .
F- Go Father! And now the Chinese! C'mon all you Chinese. Yo eee ya goshee-ee eee ha ya eehee
F- Yo gon chesteron ki ha!
F- Hey there's my star.
J- What?
F- My star. When I was a kid I picked one out of the sky and called it `Fred's Star.` It's my own special place where I could go to and no one could ever find me.
J- That is so weird. I did that too!
F- You did?
J- Yes
F- Which one is yours?
J- Well, um actually it's that one see Just to the right of the North Star kind of flickerind overthere.
F- Well that's funny.
J- Why?
F- Well that one's right next to mine. It's amazing isn't it Julie?
J- Yeah you know with all the research I've done I still done really know what's out there. I ah mean I believe there's something. I just I wish I
F- Well why don't ya.
J- What?
F- Wish. Use your star. It's like that Jimminy Cricket song. When you wish upon a star. Makes no diff'rence who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you. And when you wish upon a star your dreams come true. Jimminy Cricket huh ha
F- I don't know about this hypersleep thing.
J- It's perfectly safe. Besides you can't stay awake for eight months, the boredom would drive you crazy.
F- Eight months? The eyecrust alone could be dangerous. Hey Commander! AhAH It burns the flesh.
B- Well, anyway Ford, wake me up when we get to Mars.
J- You got it.
B- Good Night ladies.
J- So I'll see you in eight months.
F- Boy I wish I had $928 for every time a girl said that to me.
J- Good night Fred.
F- Good night Julie Ford.
J- Ahh
U- AhAhahah
F- Well, it's tale as old as time Ulysses. Boy meets girl, boy falls for girl. Girl goes into hypersleep for eight months.
U- Oh Ah
F- Woah! No, no See you can't be over there because yours is over there. This is ahha mine. Okay I'm goin' in you can stay right there. And I'll take yours you hairy little bed stealer. Good night. Ah close the door ow close this ow kir dowbin close the door dala horgendof
F- Ahha eight month old morning breath. Morning glory and Hallelujah Commander
Query: How long have I been asleep? 13 minutes?!
----song starts---
-no, no
-Computer U
-
-Computer U
My darling what a wonderful evening. You look so beautiful so full of life
J- (snorts)
F- With your soft snowy skin and your tangerine lips and your ohha
- HaHaHaHa Les Jouyer somy Misuiere Overbeck wei . Sey bon mustache No?
- HaHaHaHaHa Hi! It's me again HaHaHaHaHaHa Whack! Whack! Whack! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up!
- Comp U: Fred, Come out Fred, You can't hide forever Fred. They're coming to get you Fred.
- Wala It's me Fred. They've taken over the ship 50, 60 of them. I've had to hide in the jungle. Take this down, I need four barrels of gunpowder, a machetti, a goat skin, a guide that speaks Hutu.
- Comp U: Fred snap out of it. Fred snap out of it.
- Eww! Eww!
- Comp U: It wasn't me!
Bud- Hello? Hello?
F- Hello?
Bud- Fred?
F- May I ask who's calling? Over.
Bud- It's Bud. Go to the Private Medical Channel.
F- Bud where've you been? Over.
Bud- Why are you awake?
F- Well, It was a series of very bad mistakes that happened all at once, but everything's fine and my spirits are high. The ship is in shipshape. And by the way the Hutu uprising is over. Over.
Bud- Forget the `Overs.` I don't know how you're gonna keep this from Wick.
F- You don't have to I've already reprogrammed the hypersleep monitors he doesn't have to know.
Bud- Ration your food. I'll do what I can.
F- Bud, there's something else. I've been looking at the latest weather surveyor photos from Mars.
Bud- What are you talking about?
F- I can't be sure, but I have a feeling that when we land we might run into some nasty windstorms.
Bud- That's impossible none of our people picked that up?
F- I know I almost missed it myself. If you look in sectors 5 and 6 of the Valis Marinaris you'll see that...
Bud- They're way too low for this time of year. This could be bad.
F- What do we do?
Bud- We do nothing. If Wick finds out you're awake he'll go through the roof. Let me go to him with this weather business. He'll have no choice he'll have to reconsider the mission.
P- Reconsider the mission? Sure, hum, okay, it's still on.
Bud- Paul, Paul look at these new readouts. The danger is real.
P- I don't have to look at anything, Bud. I have a room full of experts telling me everything's just peachy. And you walk up to me and tell me to reconsider a 40 billion dollar mission. Just because you got a hunch?
Bud- That's right.
P- I'm sorry Bud, but your hunches are worth about as much as dental floss at a Willie Nelson concert.
Bud- I'll be monitoring this situation. If the Data doesn't change.
P- You'll leave it to me to make the call. As always.
F- There ahh Wala!
-February, March, April, May, June, July, August Whoopsie wake up time. Hypersleep over
B- C'mon Ford I'm starving. Randall why are dressed like that?
F- Ooahhh
B- What have you been doing?
F- Oh ah just making coffee. You know I'm a morning person. Good Morning Julie.
B- What happened here?
F- Well ah I'll be the first to say that ah it looks like we've got space rats.
B- Space rats. You've been awake.
F- No! It wasn't me. It was the hairy one.
J- (gasps)
F- Him! Naughty Ohohahahahaohoheeheee. Well it's obvious he's very sorry and he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.
B- Oh my God.
F- Wow! It turns out Ulysses is one of those rare genius painting monkeys.
B- That's food. You've been awake the whole time and you've used up all of our food. Didn't Ya?! Didn't Ya?!
F- No, no
B- Look at this! Look at this! What are we supposed to do now ? Fish?
F- Fish?
B-Look! Look! It's gone all gone we're doomed.
F- I've got backup supplies.
B- Oh what What da ya got here? Anchovy paste, Love this stuff. Creamed liver. This is good.
F- It's good for your gums.
B- Gafelta fish. I'm not eating a gafelta fish for the rest of this trip!
J- Bill!
B- What?!
J- We're here.
B- Alright kids here we go. Randall stop eating and pay attention
- Houston we have separation request permission to engage descent burn.
- Roger Pilgrim, confirm separation.
B- Roger that.
-Now separation confirmed.
--Pilgrim hold the descent burn
B- Roger that Houston Commencing descent burn
--Pilgrim is through the highgate at 80%
P- Status?
- Aroshell deployed, Acceleration rate nomal, Ecliss is go. We have entered Martian atmosphere
J- Bill, we have a problem glide slope increasing
B- I see it Ford.
J- I'm losing stable trajectory.
B- Randall, Status.
J- Commander we need a 5% C gibble correction.
B- 5%
F- No wait. Wait.
B- I need a number Randall.
F- 10% No, No, 12.
J- Trajectory's eroding
B- Is it 10 or is it 12?
J- 12, I know, I meant 12, I'm sorry ah
B- 12% C gibble course correction.
- Communication shutdown for three minutes.
F- I knew it was 12.
B- Holy Cow. Look at that. Engaging landing thrusters
U- Oohohah
F- It's okay little fella. It's gonna be okay.
-Pilgrim this is Houston. Pilgrim this is Houston do you copy?
-- Pilgrim this is Houston come in please.
B- Houston this is Fenicha Base. The Pilgrim has landed.
Reporter: Commander Overbeck is the first out off the capsule. And within seconds will step onto the surface of Mars and into the record books. We all eagerly await...
P- This is a very big day for him, very big.
B- Mr. President. People's of the world. From a poor farm boy from Iowa. It's some heck of an honor. To be the first man to travel to a distant planet.
J- Fred go slowly, you have to adjust to the low gravity
B- Be the first man to step foot on Mars.
F- Woah Whah Ah
B- Wwooaahhhh
F- It wasn't me!
B- Randall, I'm gonna kick your butt!
J- My God!
B- It's amazing.
F- We're the first to ever stand on Mars.
B- Now you're the biggest idiot on two planets.
F- We're the first to talk on Mars. Hey Julie, I'm the First to walk backwards on Mars. First to blow a kiss on Mars Hey, you're the first to blush on mars.
B- How'd you like to be the first guy to die on Mars.
F- Well sorry Mr. Fist to Show Inappropriate anger on Mars.
B- I'm not listenin' Randall. I'm turnin' this radio off!
F- Well, You're the first to not listen to me on Mars.
B- NaNaNaNaNaNaNa
F- Please talk to me.
B- NaNaNaNaNa
F- I wanna get to know you better for the first time on Mars.
F- Are we there yet?
B- No.
F- Can I drive?
B- No.
F- You never let me drive.
B- Shut Up.
F- Hey! There's no airbag. What if I go flyin' through the windshield?
B- Randall, there is no windshield.
F- Oh, well what if I go flyin' through he front of my helmet?
B- I die happy. Well, this is it Valis Marinaris. Stop right here Ford. This will be perfect. This is where we plant the flag.
J- Roger. I'll set up the weather station and take the core drilling samples and I'll be back in an hour.
B- We'll off load this equipment. Rendezvous back here at 14 hundred hours.
J- 14 hundred hours. Check.
B- Be careful out there Ford.
F- Well, This is the spot. The perfect spot right here oh yeah.
B- What'd doin' Randall.? Where's that flag?
F- It's coming Commander. Oh-Oh Uh Oh. It wasn't me. But I'll get it I think I know where it went.
B- Whoa. HehHehHehHehHehHehNoNoNoNo. You moron.
F- Who you talkin' to Commander?
B- Do you realize what you've just done? I've waited my whole life for this moment. To plant a flag on a distance planet. Now I'm on a distant planet. Which was the hard part. And I don't have a flag 'cause he lost it!
F- Don't worry Commander. I've got another flag. A high flying flag. A proud flag. A wonderful flag.
B- What are ya doin'.
F- We're makin' history Commander.
B- Randall.
-- And Salute.
Mr. Pres- Huh?
-It's the President.
B- Why don't I throw myself off this cliff? Why don't I throw you off this cliff?
F- Don't worry, they're clean.
-Paul we got a Red on Overbeck.
--We have a primary Oxygen tank leak we need to preserve his SOP.
P- Solution?
---Emergency tieline. We hook him into another suit.
P- Do it Doc.
-Ah Bill this is Houston you got a leak in your primary O2 tank.
B- I see it Houston what do we do?
-You've got an emergency tieline in your pliss. Hook it up with Randall's spare vent nozzle and you'll share it 'til you get back to the Pilgrim.
B- Houston, Is that sanitary?
F- Hey, Commander?
B- Yeah.
F- Do you believe in UFO's at all or..?
B- Sure I believe in UFO's.
F- You do?
B- Yeah, the one followin' me.
F- Huh? Oh I get it. Your funny Commander. HaHaHa Hey, Commander?
B- Yeah.
F- When I was a kid at night I used to think that there was a Baker under my bed. Did you ever have anything under your bed?
B- No.
F- Well did you ever bend down and look?
B- No.
F- Well how do you know there wasn't a Baker under your bed?
B- Randall, Shut up.
F- Hey, Commander?
B- Yeah.
F- I seem to be experiencing these intense intestinal cramps.
B- Randall, I'm trying to conserve Oxygen.
F- But they hurt me so.
B- Keep it to yourself.
F- Ow, Ow Ow,
B- Wait a minute.
F- Ow Ow
B- I think if we stay on the heading for another twenty minutes we'll see the Pilgrim.
F- What? I didn't do anything.
B- Oh my God, No no no no no heh heh heh heh heh don't do that. No no Oh Man! Oh! Plu Oh!
F- Wasn't me.
B- What do you mean it wasn't you. We're 35 million miles from the nearest person!
-Heart rate up, Adrenaline up, Stomach muscles spasmic. Overbeck's in distress.
--Look at these Methane levels.
P- Methane?
B- Ohh! Oh, it's in my mouth.
F- Hey, he who smelt it dealt it.
B- Ohh!
F- What?
B- Whew
F- Commander I'm having trouble breathing.
B- You're having trouble breathing?! My eyes are burning!
F- Truly it wasn't me. Maybe it was Julie.
B- Gaag
F- Hey, miracles can happen.
B- Blamin' this on Julie.
F- Okay, I admit, it was me.
B- Thank you.
F- Now that was Julie!
J- This isn't good Bill. I think Fred's right. It looks like the winds are coming early. Maybe two or three days. Look at these readings I took today.
B- It will still alright tomorrow.
F- Oh now wait a second it's not gonna be alright. My calculations are tellin' me that these two Martian high pressure systems are coming together faster than any of us could have predicted. Tomorrow. When that happens we're nothin' more than a dust bunny caught in the bag of a vacuum. You go out there you're not comin' back.
B- Whatta ya doin' Randall? What are you doin'. It's not enough that you broke every record that I ever set. That you ruined what should've been the most important day of my life by steppin' on Mars first. That's not enough for you. You've gotta do this. No, No, This is one is mine. We came to Mars to collect fossil samples, We're not leaving until I accomplish this.
J- Wait, Bill I don't want to abort this mission any more than you do, but, I know he's right. If we don't leave before this storm hits. We don't leave.
B- What do you suggest?
J- Tomorrow morning we check the readings. If they're bad, we abort.
B-
Bud- What did Overbeck say?
F- He said we should wait 'til morning. You know Bud, maybe I was wrong maybe I was wrong about the winds. Maybe I shouldn't 've said anything.
Bud- Now, I wanna tell you somethin' Fred, about the 13 mission. The day before launch I I caught what seemed to be a minor glitch in the tanks stirring circuits. It didn't look serious but I went to Wick I told him we needed to postpone until we could green light the system. He said that I was overreacting. That I was imagining a problem when there was none.
F- So Apollo 13 was Wick's fault.
Bud- No, no. I had every right and authority to stop the launch, but I didn't. I didn't make the call. If those astronauts hadn't have pulled off a number of last minute major miracles they would've been dead and it would've been my fault. I'm not gonna let it happen this time. I'm gonna get you guys outta this.
F- Hey Bud.
Bud- What?
F- I'd be proud to end up like you.
Bud- I copy that. Bud, out.
F- The, the mushroom people are coming. Get them away.
J- Fred! Fred!
F- The , the mushroom people Ah Ahh Ahh
J- Bill's gone. He took Ulysses and a spare backpack and he's gone.
F- Sweet Mother of Meat. Huh? WaaOh.
Ben- How they doin' up there Paul?
P- Oh, Good Morning. Sir, Yes, we're just about to wake the crew. Would you like this one sir? Oh great.
Bud- It's over Paul. Sir, I'm making the call. We abort now.
P- No one's listening to you Bud. Don't make me call security.
Bud- I'm not gonna stand by and let another disaster happen. This man has continually ignored the warnings of our crew on Mars.
P- Security would you come in here please?
Bud- Our mission is in serious jeopardy sir.
Ben- Bud? Don't make this any harder than it already is.
Bud- Don't do this sir.
Ben- Bud? Why don't you take it easy? We're all under a lot of stress, you just need to rest, that's all.
Bud- Ben, these people are gonna die.
P- Bu. You have totally lost it. We haven't had any negative reports. Get him outta here please.
-Paul. We've got a contact at emergency frequency.
P- On screen.
--Pilgrim this is Houston
F- Houston the storms are here. Wind speed at uh
J- 45
F- 45 miles per hour and rising
J- Visibility dropping
F- Houston what shall we do? Houston please advise.
-Paul.
P- Ra-Randall No That's impossible. Our weather pattern analysis...
F- Mr. Wick this is bad. I don't think you've seen anything like this before. It reminds me of a fresh Canadian tennis racket stuck to the back of my Pssshhh bubbling out of my sister's Pssshhh Brazilian donkey Pssshhh I don't think I can make myself any clearer.
Bud- Wick get 'em off that planet!
Ben- Do as he says Paul.
P- Ben, we had no way of knowing. I followed procedure Ben, I followed procedure here.
Ben- Paul unplug and go home.
P- Unplug and go home?
Ben- Nesbitt you're in command.
F- Houston do you copy? Houston come in.
-Pilgrim we copy. Please stand by.
Bud- Well don't just stare at me people we got a crew out there. Let's bring 'em home.
J- Houston wind speed continues to increase. This is bad Paul.
Bud- Ford, it's Bud. Listen carefully. If the wind keeps building up at this rate in 20 minutes lift off or the impossible- launch now.
F- No, Commander Overbeck and Ulysses are still out there.
Bud- They're lost now. You're not. Launch!
F- I'm goin' after them
J- What?!
Bud- Fred, Fred answer me Fred
F- Can't hear you We're fading out fast
Bud- Fred!
F- If I'm not back in 20 minutes. You gotta take off without me.
J- You will be back.
F- 20 minutes and then take off!
-20 minutes right, not fifteen or anything?
J- Alright.
F- 21 is okay too.
Bud- Ford what's going on? What's happening I'm losing you. Julie!
F- Commander! Commander Overbeck. Ulysses! OhOhAhAhAhAhAh! Ulysses! Where are you? Answer me! AhAhAhAhAhAhAhAh!
U- EhEhEhEh
F- There you are. How many times have I told you not to wander around in a Martian duststorm? We've go to find the Commander.
U- EhEhEhEhEh
F- sighs
J- Where are they?
F- Commander! Commander Overbeck!
B- Randall?
F- Commander? Is that you?
B- Randall!
F- It is you. Alright, stand back little fella nothin' to see here. Commander.
B- Whatta ya doin' here? Get back to the ship and save yourself.
F- Sorry Commander I can't do that.
B- That's an order.
F- I've gotta get you out. What. I can't lift it. They say that when a mother's child is trapped the rush of her adrenaline gives her the strength of 20 men. Alright Commander call me Mommy!
B- What?!
F- Call me mommy now!
B- I'd rather die in the Martian turf.
F-Who am I?
B- Would you just lift up the stikin' thing?
F- Who am I?
B- Mommy.
F- Say it like you love me.
B- Mummy. Please Mummy save me.
F- Mommy's coming Little Billy.
B- Save me.
F- Oh yes! Live Child Live! You're alive Little Billy..
B- Don't you ever call me little Billy!
F- That's no way to talk to your mother.
J- Houston this is Ford.
Bud- Julie's where's Fred?
J- He's still out there. I'm initiating launch sequence.
Bud- Wait they still have time to get back. Give 'em a chance.
J- I know what I'm doing.
F- Wh-wh-which way Commander?
B- I don't know. Can't get a reading. Let's get down behind that rock.
F- C'mon Ulysses. I'm gonna go out there and take a closer look. Commander! It's the Pilgrim. It's Julie, she's taking off!
B- She's guiding us with the engines. C'mon.
F- I'll get Ulysses. Ulysses. Ulysses.
B- Tank's empty.
F- We'll share air.
B- You don't have a spare hose, remember?
F- Well then I'll just give him mine. You don't leave friends behind.
B- Whatta ya gonna do, Hold your breath?
F- Don't forget Commander I'm the new NASA record holder for lung capacity.
B- That was 3 minutes. This is what 4, maybe 5.
F- You ignore me the whole trip and now that I have no air you wanna chat?
B- Randall, Randall. Randall! Randall!
J- Oh no, not now!
Bud- 20 minutes are up Julie.
J- Wait Wait I see someone.
Bud- Ford what's going on?
J- I got it.
Bud- Ford, who is it? Julie do you copy? Julie? Fred are you there Fred? Copy Somebody.
J- Bill! Where's Fred?
B- He should've been here. Don't launch.
J- There he is. Fred, Fred! He's going the other way, Fred!
B- Hey! Fred.
J- Fred!
B- Hey get me outta this thing.
J- What are you doing?
B- It's empty anyway. He's holdin' his breath out there.
J- Oh ny God.
B- If we're not back in 5 minutes.
J- Hurry, Hurry Bill!
J- Bill, Bill is he alright? Is he okay?
B- He's not breathing. Get his helmet off. Ahh!
J- Don't even think about it Randall!
F- Ahh Ahh Ahh
B- Houston, Houston this is Pilgrim.
F- You're alive. Go into the light honey
J- Fred. Fred.
F- Honey go into the light. Oh it's you. Ulysses.
J- No Julie.
F- No, Ulysses needs air!
B- Houston come in please. We're onboard. Can we go for launch?
Bud- get the h--- out of there.
B- Roger that Houston. Preparing for launch.
F- Not the hairy one. Take me!
B- Starting main thrusters. F- OhOhAhhAhhh
J- Rocket Boosters intact. F- AhAh
J- Fred! Fred, Fred, he's fine, he's just resting.
F- Eww
J- MX5 ready to go.
B- Main thrusters in 3, 2,
F- Hold on
B- 1 We have liftoff. 50 meters. 400 increasing velocity, 200 meters.
F- Nice flyin' Uncle Walnut
J- 1,000 2,000 , increasing velocity
B- 5,000 6,000 8,000
Bud- Just a little higher. You're almost clear of the storm.
J- 10,000 All systems green.
B- I think we made it.
F- What the h--- was that?
B- Houston! Houston! We've had an impact.
F- It wasn't me.
J- APU's a go
B- controls are compromised
J- auxillary tower, We're losin' velocity
Bud- Status?
- Systems down, ohms down, visual contact down. We've got the total kill here.
Bud- Solutions?
--Randall rewires the entire operation in less than two minutes. End of solution.
Ben- Bud what do we do here?
Bud- We do nothing.
--- Pilgrim is in a freefall.
B- controls are out. Randall I need the engine computers up now!
F- This time it was definitly not me!
B- I'll switch it to manual. Randall, check below.
F- Ahh
B- Randall! How's it look down there?
F- Like this
B- Well fix it!
F- If you stop the ship from tumbling and give me about a week.
B- I can't stop the tumbling and you've got two minutes.
F- Whaa-Haaaaa
Reporter- To recap this story the Pilgrim was caught in a violent sandstorm and is now tumbling toward the Martian surface. We're standing by to hear the latest NASA has to say about this incident.
-45 hundred meters dropping fast
--90 seconds to impact
Ben- You tell me straight Nesbitt, Can he do it?
Bud- Only a complete genius or a total fool could ever pull this off. Lucky for us, he's both.
F- Ah Ah Ahh Ah
J- Any power yet Bill?
B- I got nothin'. We're in a flat spin.
F- Oh Ah Aah GeAhh
B- Randall it'd be a good time to fix that. Anytime now would be good.
--60 seconds to impact.
-We've established audio link.
Bud- Fred, Fred can you here me?
F- Woah, I'm down below, everything's spinning and I don't know what to do.
Bud- Focus Fred. It's like in training. The rotating chair with the wires.
F- Well that was a real winner.
Bud- You can do this. Trust your instincts. Now!
F- Ah Oh C'mon you can do it.
J- 30 seconds. Don't give up Fred!
B- C'mon Fred.
F- Yah gotta close the circuit. As yah ahh
Bud- C'mon Fred
--15 seconds to impact.
F- Need something. Need some...
Bud- You're the man Fred.
F- Ah
J- 10 seconds
F- Bud's coin!
J- C'mon
F- Yee-haw!!!
B- I got power!
J- You did it Fred!
B- Yes! Yes! Ha! Ha!
F- on the far side moma. We're comin' home!
F- Oh Magoo, heh, You've just done it again sir.
F- That ah little space rock's gonna make you real famous Julie Ford.
J- So, ah, What's next for you Rocketman?
F- Well, ah, actually, I was thinking about asking you ta dance.
J- Haa ohh. Well ah thanks anyway, but I think we've done that before.
F- well, wait I-I had a little time on my hands recently and I've been practicing. That and I got a little creative with the space blankets.
When you wish upon a star. Make no diff'rence who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you. Like a boat out of the blue. Fate steps in and sees you through. When you wish upon a star your dreams come true.
B- Sweet dreams lovebirds.
J- So I guess I'll see you in 8 months, Good night Fred
F- It's tale as old as time Ulysses. Boy meets girl, boy falls for girl. Boy and girl return to home planet, get a nice little house with a white picket fence. Live happily... No, No, Ah Not again! Ulysses ! Nooo!
At end of credits: Martain takes Fred's "Flag" and walks away wearing them. (you only see the lower half of him.
The End
Director: Stuart Gillard
Writing credits: Oren Aviv, Craig Mazin, Greg Erb
Cast:
Harland Williams ...Fred Z. Randall
Jessica Lundy ...Julie Ford
William Sadler ...Commander Bill Overbeck
Jeffrey DeMunn ...Paul Wick
Beau Bridges ...Bud Nesbitt
James Pickens Jr. ...Ben Stevens
Don Lake ...Flight Surgeon
Peter Onorati ... Gary Hackman
William Arthur Jenkins ...Mission Controller
Ken Farmer ...Mission Controller
Blake Boyd ...Gordon A. Peacock
Sean Tweedley ...NASA Lab Technician
Brandon Kaplan ...Young Fred
Shelley Duvall ...Mrs. Randall
Gailard Sartain ...Mr. Randall
Richard Dillard ...The President
Don Armstrong ...Anchorman
Paxton Whitehead ...British Reporter
Cindy Hogan ...Repoter
Felicia Griffin ...Reporter
Pamela West ...Nun
Marjorie Carroll ...Nun
Claire Birnbaum ...School Kid #1
Aseem Kulkarni ...School Kid #2
Lidia Porto ...Gary's Nurse
Gil Glaslow ...Bartender
Producers:
Oren Aviv, Roger Birnbaum, Jonathan Glickman, Eric L. Gold, Jamie Masada, Richard H. Pince, Peter Safran, and Jon Turteltaub
Original Music: Michael Tavera
Cinamatographer: Steven B. Poster
Film Editing: Wiliam D. Gordean
Casting: Rick Montgomery, Dan Parada
Production Design: Roy Forge Smith
Copyright 1997 by Disney and Buena Vista. This is not meant to infringe upon their copyrights and all other rights to this movie.
Transcribed by Maureen Kennedy, 1999