Minutes later, I walked out of the room, passing John in the hall. I suddenly felt shocked.... noticed myself turning a bit pale. Not this, not now I've tried to hide it, I knew this wad the one room that wasn't as isolated as the studio's and....

"What's up?" John said putting a hand on my shoulder. "I told you it's alright....ok, they know you're in the studio with me, probably play in the background whatever...so what?" i suddenly started to cry, sure for a moment that things would end here. I knew it was easy to pass time, to make things go on and let them stay away long after the officially announced time."

"I need something strong," I said with a trembling voice. "It's getting over me, I think it's too much for now." (a thing which was true but not only for the reason he probably thought.)

I felt tears making there way out of my eyes, some even rolled down my cheeks. "Hey..." John said "So I was right with what I said in our hall?"

This was all so confusing. I knew exactly what he meant. I was sure these words simply were a different way of pointing out that I could stay myself, that I wouldn't have to put up an act. I'd tried my best to show him as much of my character as possible. The little thing I overlooked, larger
details I simply tried to ignore. And the whole plan, I'd started to call it a mission from now on, made it so difficult to stay myself.

I suddenly felt two arms around me. Then I remembered what I'd first said. Something strong. Though this was some-one, it still felt a whole lot better than standing there on my own. "Never mind if you don't get it," John said. "Same goes for me."

We set down on a ouch in the corner, and I felt everything inside me relax. It was even hard for me to stay upright. I decided to lean against John for a moment. He played with my hair. "We have to go back," he said wiping away some tears.

"What track are you recording?" I said in a low voice.

"Oh this one's called "Living On Borrowed Time." John said. "Here, the backing tracks, sounds just like a Jamaican band." I heard the sound while the door opened. Sean was dancing around in one corner.

"Hey there, wait a bit...shall I lend a hand?' I said taking his little hands in mine. Then I picked him up and danced around. For a moment I let this warm feeling fall over me. The first bit of relieve. I'd made it through part one of my secret mission.

We indeed went our way for a while, but still around eleven things closed. Here the wheels in my mind started their work again. I tried my best to find a good solution. I heart the words "Back home" and Sean was falling asleep. "Not yet," I thought. Then I remembered something. I hoped with all my heart I was right in this case.

My mother once told me about how she first lived on her own in a flat. It was somewhere near Manhattan, not the one where John and Yoko first moved in. The one thing that clearly popped up in my mind was how she told me she moved in with my dad in 1979 and how the thing stayed empty
until at least 1981. I only knew one thing for sure, if this was true, then the phone had to be cut off...the number I'd soon try wouldn't exist. I walked over to John.

"Why don't we all go over to my place." I said.

"I thought you'd...." John started.

"Oh.. silly me. My mother still has this flat. She rented it when she moved in here and when she went back she just held on to hit, still paying the rent so...."

"all these years?" John said. It was confusing for a moment, but I found the answer right on time.

"Ah...the you-never-know-thing I guess." I smiled.

"Saved again," John said. "I was already searching for the right bar to close this off."

"No no," I said. "No drinks tonight, you're already a mess from all these tiring days of interviews and stuff..it's time for some holiday kind of thing."

"And Yoko has to sing me to sleep," John suddenly said. Yoko smiled, she'd just come back into the hall where we were talking.

"That won't work, you'll be listening too much," she said. "You're so curious what song I made, you would hate to miss it."

"Then you sing one of my songs," John said "I know those.. I'm even getting tired of these old ones so just sing...'good night' for instance."

"Oh you can do that much better.. you know that." she said. She blushed a bit. John hugged her. They sat down together on a couch and chatted on
while I moved away.

I still knew the way to the office I told John that I had to call my friends again now I was sure I'd be away for the night and then walked off. He looked a bit odd at me, that was one thing I'd notice, but for the rest thins seemed normal. More normal than ever, I found out, for I found my mothers name in the phone book and my dial was answered with a dead line, and
the sound of a closed connection. Doing it again made sure that the thing was cut off and I hoped this was the only proof for it.

"But why are we standing here...are you inviting us over?" John said turning to me.

"Sure," I said. "I told you... there's enough room. And it's not far away.... and there's a bed for Sean here," I said picking him up. "You're sleeping on the floor you fool, aren't you getting cold?" I said. He simply dropped back in my arms and I walked out.

We were calling a taxi through the reception desk while someone else was checking all the locks. "Oh there you are," John said coming over to me. He took Sean out f my arms and smiled.

"He couldn't stand on his feet," I said. "It looked so sad, I just had to make it a bit more comfortable."

"Well not for you," John laughed.

"Oh these three or four steps." I said.

We went our way outside and got in a car. I gave directions while Sean opened his eyes for a bit. "Yes dear, we're bringing you to a bed," I said.

"Are we going home?" Sean said.

"No," I said softly. "We're having a little party. But you look so tired, I think it's better if you just go to sleep." Sean yawned.

"I like parties," he said. "I loved my birthday party."

"Oh it's a bit like that," I said. I decided to make a little deal. "What bout this," I said "If you go to sleep, and then give me a sign when you wake up. Then you can still join us, only a bit later."

"Wow," Sean said. "that sounds...."

"Like the most fantastic fairy tale," John said turning to me "You know... you could be a wonderful mother." I stopped in my movements, played a bit with Sean's hands.

"John," I said. "I love this kid of yours, he simply got my heart and.... just
don't ask where it's coming from."

John seemed to get what I felt too insecure to say. "Obvious.. he's with me." he said. Then he grinned. something that changed into a warm smile and I had to turn away. So many different looks in just a few seconds. Turning back again, I saw something dance in his eyes while he listened to Sean, until he fell asleep again. Again it hit me, and I was more certain then ever. I didn't want to loose this man, didn't want him to miss the things he was so much looking forward to.

"This is perfect,this has to go on," I thought.

I was right, even had to turn the lights on while we went inside. I decided to make some tea for us and shoed John a bedroom. As soon as Sean was under the soft thick cover, he was off to sleep again.

"He won't see anything of our party," John giggled. Then he yawned. "And I'm afraid I won't stay long."

"Now what's the use of going all the way to your own bedroom," I said walking over to a large bedroom. I knew my parents had been there before they moved away to Holland, or back to Holland for my mother.

"Wow..." John said. "they have our tastes... white, everything light, clear... thanks!" he took my hands into his. "Are you cold?" he said.

"No... I'm out of energy... we've got the same kitchen stuff that you have, just do as if you're at home." I said. Unconsciously I realized I couldn't know this fact but I knew it was true and John didn't seem to think it odd.

I plopped down on the couch in the living room, talked some more with Yoko and in the end still helped John to make some coffee. We stayed up until four, then John stood up and picked Yoko up from her seat in the corner of the couch. "Bed-time for you," he said. She simply put her arms
around him and they went off.